When it hurts you, it hurts you so good

Today I am being made aware of all the missed encounters. Craigslist calls them "missed connections." Craigslist makes me laugh.

Back to the topic at hand. I'm sitting in Starbucks in the library on campus, coffee-less, as the empire that controls the food on campus is ridiculously expensive. So I'm sitting here and I'm watching all of the people that go by, and it's crazy to me that in all of these opportunities, there is no encounter. Most people don't even acknowledge when you look at them, let alone open themselves up to the possibility of a conversation with a stranger. I always hear people complain about how they wish that we, as a society, weren't so disconnected. Yet we perpetuate that disconnect. What are we doing to connect besides complain?

Random thoughts that I tried to make sense of.

I got distracted by a girl in a skirt and Uggs. Need I say more?

I am the thief of hearts, guilty of the charge

How is it already October? Where has this year gone?

I'm missing the season change tonight. I miss seeing the leaves change, and the drop in temperature. Especially the drop in temperature.

Graduation is soon approaching and I'm no closer to knowing what I'm doing than I was when I first started college. Yay!

I'm pretty sure this guy likes me, and the feeling is just not mutual. Not that there's anything wrong with him, I'm just not attracted to him.

I feel scatterbrained tonight. Actually, I've felt like that a lot this week.

I've been spending money like it's going out of style. I really need to stop.

I'm tired, but can't sleep.

I love hurricane season.

If you've been anywhere near a television at all this past week (or basically anywhere besides under a rock) you probably know that there's a storm headed for Florida. Currently said storm is a tropical storm. There is the possibility that it will become a category 1 hurricane, but COME ON PEOPLE. I don't think I've seen anyone panic like this over a tropical storm before. Crist has already declared a state of emergency. Malls are closing down. Houses on my street have had storm shutters up for three days. THREE DAYS. Seriously. Grow up people. You'd think we've never been through a hurricane before.

This makes me laugh. The best part though, is that I'm hearing "hunker down" everywhere.

We built this city on rock and roll

First, I must mention that every time I bend over, it adds insane amounts of pressure to my head. That hurts.

Seeing as how my week has been rather uneventful, what with death causing me to miss work and class, I'm going a little stir crazy. Also, it's the first sunny day that we've had in about a week. My first thought was a trip to the beach, or a park with the river, or something. But then I remembered that my battery in my car is dead, therefore I'm going nowhere. I settled on putting on one of my cute new bathing suits (yeah I have 4 now, it's kind of ridiculous.) and going to hang out by the pool. I headed out of my apartment to get my beach bag out of my car, and taped to my door is a green piece of paper informing me that the pool will be closed for the next two weeks due to these RIDICULOUS renovations that they started in MARCH and were supposed to be done by now. So here I am, stuck inside my apartment. And now? Now it's getting cloudy and will probably rain soon. Seems to be the story of my life as of late.

At least I don't have to wear pants.

Try a little tenderness

I am convinced I am dying. That or my body is trying to kill me. And you can't convince me otherwise.

Exhibit A: My nose and throat are trying to suffocate me.

Exhibit B: My head is trying to squeeze my brain until it dies.

Exhibit C: My lungs are trying to exit my body via my mouth.

That's an airtight murder case right there. At least 2nd degree. I haven't determined whether this is pre-meditated or not.

Not much is new. I have two weeks left of my class. I'm pretty excited about that. Then a mini-vacation and back to school.

This week has been a pretty rough week. I missed three days of work, I'm sick, and yesterday my car battery died. Hopefully next week will be better.

I think that's all I've got.

A family trait, I think.

I am a bundle of excitement, this I have figured out. It's 11 p.m. on a Friday night, not to mention the 4th of July, and I'm in bed, with Pride and Prejudice playing in the background, and perfectly content.

Okay, well not perfectly content. I am a little disappointed that my night turned out to be a bust. I was going to go line dancing (make fun if you wish, but I love it!) We got there and it was ridiculously empty. I feel like that describes the day, overall. I worked three hours. THREE HOURS. It was time and a half, so I'll get paid for four and a half, but still.

It was definitely not like the holidays when I lived at home. Though I did get to see fireworks at least. And my neighbors are considerate enough to be sure that I'll be hearing them all night. Hooray. It doesn't seem the same without the barbecuing, spending the day in the pool and sun, and then watching the fireworks with my family. I'm definitely glad my family did stuff like that together, so I can have the memories.

Now, I will resume watching my movie and eating my frozen yogurt. Oh yes, I am the epitome of excitement.

I'm ready now, do what you will.

I woke up this morning to a beautiful thunderstorm. I love thunderstorms, especially when I'm sleeping. There's just something comforting about the sounds.

Life lately has been very busy. It was a refreshing change for a while, but I am ready for a break. This coming week is my break between summer classes, but I still have to work. So it doesn't really feel like a break. I guess I could try to pick up some extra shifts and at least make some extra money. Maybe it'll be nice enough to make a trip out to the beach this week.

deep within my soul is rising up a song here in the comfort of the faithful one.

In spite of the busyness of my life, everything is going really well. I'm finding time to meet with friends. That in and of itself is such an encouragement.

and I will lift my hands in praise for all you've done, and I will worship you, my faithful one.

A few weeks ago I sat down with a friend of mine who is a financial advisor, and he helped me set up a budget, and really just get a hold of my finances before they really spiraled out of control. It was getting pretty bad there for a while. Now I've got everything in order, I have a set plan for paying off my debt, and I'm being faithful in my tithing and am really seeing the blessings from that.

take me and pull me through, 'cause I can't move without You.

I'm really being pushed out of my comfort zone. It's terrifying, yet exhilarating. I'm really working on finding the things that I'm passionate about, and the things that I'm really good at. I graduate soon, and am trying to figure out what I'm going to do. I have no idea, and it gets overwhelming worrying about it. So I'm not. Right now I'm focusing on passing my class this summer, and then in the fall. Then I have at least 4 months to figure out what I want to do, and I can work so that won't be a big deal.

The storm is over, and the skies are turning blue. Today might not be one of those "stay in the house and enjoy the rain" kind of days after all.

I should shower.

Mmm pasta salad.

I'm so grateful my family was never one of those that went out to eat constantly or ordered in when I was growing up. Granted, we did go out to eat once in a while, but mostly my mom made fantastic down-home food. Pork chops and mashed potatoes with gravy, corn, green beans, and if we were really lucky a pie for dessert. Our family gatherings are always around food. While eating lunch, we will discuss what we are having for dinner.

I'm reminded of my mom's cooking today because I made lunch for myself using a recipe that she always used. It's not one of those ridiculously complicated recipes (though I love those too). This is just a simple pasta salad. But it brings back so many memories. Memories of summers up north, with the sliding doors open, and the smell of barbecue coming through the house. There weren't many days during summer that we stayed in the house very often. The raspberry/blackberry bush was ripe for the picking. There were 10 acres on which the possibilities were endless.

It's neat how a simple dish can evoke so many memories.

The rain is my background music.

There is something comforting in the storm. Something calming about the mixture of the lightning and thunder. I hope it stays for a while.

I find it very symbolic of my day. It wasn't anything out of the ordinary, just a long, tiring day. I'm thankful for the reprieve. I should be in class now, but I'm thankful I didn't go. I got out of work late, so I was automatically late for my class. Then as I was driving towards campus, I saw the lightning and decided it would be a bad idea to make the 10-minute walk in the lightning. I feel like my brain is in overdrive. I'm so glad for this little break in my day. I have the sliding door open, and I'm home alone. I love the smell of the rain. Plus the sound of the storm is calming. I don't even need music.

I feel like I'm perpetually busy. Some days it's a wonder I even have time to breathe. If I had gone to class, today would have been one of those days. I love being busy. It keeps me on a routine, I have a lot more energy, I feel productive, and I feel healthier. I don't like it when I can't remember the last time I had some time to spend with friends without worrying about being late for something or having to be up for work the next day. I mean, friends are an entirely different issue, but I'm just saying.

I don't know about you, but I have a list of things going on in my life that I'm trying to improve. I recently added "finances" to this list. I have a friend who works with an investing company, and he sat down with me and set out some steps for getting my stuff in order. It's a daunting task. I worry that I can't do it.

My job is going well. I really enjoy it, and the people that I work with are great.

I'm tired all of a sudden.

I can't be bothered to miss you anymore

I'm sure you were all awaiting my return with baited breath. (All 3 of you?) Well here it is, and I can promise you that it is not very exciting. I could give a very detailed description of the events that transpired between the last post and this, but quite frankly it takes too much energy to even remember them all, let alone talk about them.

So instead I'm going to continue to eat my (entire box of) macaroni and cheese while I procrastinate studying for my German class. Luckily, there isn't a test tomorrow. Though I do have to do the homework so I can keep up.

Also, I'll talk about my Sunday so far, because I happen to love Sundays. My boss has been consistently giving me every Sunday off, so I'm appreciative for that. Sundays are busy enough without trying to fit in a four hour shift at work. Especially since joining the choir. Now I have to stay for the entire first service, and about one-third of the second service. Anyway. So I did that this morning. Actually this morning I stayed for the entirety of both services. Then I came home, made macaroni and cheese, and now I'm just sitting here. I had a point with this, and I forgot what it was. Story of my life.

I want to go to the beach.

Savior I come, quiet my soul.

I can't believe it's been almost 2 months since I last posted an entry.

It does not seem like it's been that long.

So much has happened since then.

I got a job.

I found out that I graduate soon. Like, by this time next year, I'll be a college graduate. That's so weird to think about. I just finished registering for the last classes I will take as an undergrad. I have no idea what I'm going to do after this.

I've grown, fallen, gotten back up, and grown more. Now, I feel as if I'm stuck in this place. Neither moving forward, nor backward. I've become comfortable and I don't know how to break out of it.

I'm still struggling with letting go of control. I'm also trying to figure out what I'm supposed to be doing with the rest of my life.

I guess that's all I've got for now.

You never let go through the calm and through the storm.

So it's 5 a.m. and I can't sleep. I made the mistake of drinking coffee around 11:30. Now I'm wide awake, though I'm starting to drift towards being sleepy. I really should be studying, but I just can't bring myself to do it. The test is in 13 hours. I know most of the material. I've been keeping up with the reading, just not so much with going to the class. I think I may actually be pulling an all-nighter. Which is weird, because I haven't done this in a very long time. I guess it doesn't help that I meant to take a 20 min. nap around 3:30 and it turned into a 4 and a half hour nap.

So, I've been working on a lot lately. I'm feeling so much better about stuff. I'm learning how to let go of the need to control things. I'm also learning patience, which I think is one of the hardest struggles for me. I'm so used to things happening at warped speed. This patience thing really takes a lot of work. So far it's been worth it, though. It's definitely a new experience.

It hasn't been working for my classes, though. I'm really disappointed with myself about that. There are two classes that I don't go to as often as I should. There was even that one week where I only went to two of my 5 classes. Last week there was a day where I went to two classes that weren't even mine, and I didn't go to mine.

Wednesday I have an appointment with my adviser to find out when I'm supposed to be graduating and what I have left to take. I just hope that she's actually helpful this time.

I'm so excited about this week!!!! Despite the test, it's gonna be a great week! Friday is the concert!! I thought I was going to have to miss my Friday night Bible study because of it, but I don't have to because it's going to be on Saturday night. The reason is that this week we have a missionary as our speaker. It should be really interesting.

I was able to have lunch with a friend today, and that was pretty awesome. We haven't ever really hung out like that, just the two of us. That's another thing I'm working on, is expanding my circle of female friends. I really want to surround myself with Godly women. There are a few girls who I really would like to have in my circle. The problem is that I don't know them very well and feel uncomfortable approaching them. They have their friends, and I hate feeling like I'm intruding. Again with the breaking out of my comfort zone. Plus, I'd just like to have more female friends period.

Anyway. I think that's enough rambling for 5 a.m. I started this at 4:55 and it's now 5:25.
I should sleep. Or study. Or something.

It starts in my toes, makes me crinkle my nose

love is a rhythm of two hearts beating, pounding out a message steady and true. talk to me baby, tell me what you're feeling. I know what love is, what's it to you?

How is it already Sunday? Where did the time go? I haven't even been that busy! Actually, I dropped the ball a lot this week. I skipped the majority of my classes. I feel a lot better now. I'm not feeling so restless anymore. The random road trip to see a friend helped that a lot.

Anyway. It's Sunday. I can't believe how fast time is going by. I'm very proud of myself though! The past few weeks I've always had someone to go to church with, but this weekend I didn't. I was a bit worried that because I didn't have someone to keep me accountable that I wouldn't go. But I did go! I went to the earlier service and then to Sunday School. I was pretty happy about that. Then afterwards I was going to call one of my friends and see if she wanted to come over and hang out and study or whatever. I haven't seen her since I moved back, but apparently she went to visit her parents. I suppose that's good because I just remembered that my prof. posted an extra credit assignment that has to be emailed by midnight. So now I have time to work on that.

why do we break the promises we make? are we living for ourselves?

So this weekend has been rather low-key for me. I spent yesterday cleaning. My apartment is spotless and my bedroom is immaculate. I vacuumed and swept. It looks good. Today I decided to write on my closet doors (which are mirrored) with red and black dry erase markers. Right now I have 5 Bible verses written on them. I like the way it looks. I think I'll keep them. I'm sure that one day I'll look and people have written on it, too, but whatever. I have these verses:

Those who sow in tears shall reap in joy - Psalm 126:5 (which is my current favorite verse)

I waited patiently for the Lord; and He inclined to me, and heard my cry. - Psalm 40:1

God is faithful. - 1 Corinthians 1:9

Therefore, let your light shine before men that they may see your good works and glorify your Father who is in Heaven. - Matthew 5:16

Let us therefore come boldly before the throne of grace that we may obtain mercy and find grace to help in time of need. - Hebrews 4:16

I suppose I should go work on that extra credit assignment now.

Joy

Those who sow in tears
Shall reap in joy
- Psalm 126:5

How true that appears to me now. All the tears I've cried are worth the joy that I have. I can't say that my life is perfect or that I'm always happy, but I can say that I'm experiencing joy in a way that I never have before. I'm working (albeit slowly) on giving up control of things in my life. It's definitely one of the hardest lessons I've ever had to learn, but it's so rewarding. I worry about so much less than I used to.

I think that I had point when I started this, and I've forgotten what it was.

I need to go grocery shopping. I need this guy to call me back about a job. That's another thing that I'm trying to trust God with. I'm also trying to make more girlfriends. As of right now I only really have 3. None of which are friends with each other. I could really use a support group, plus I'd also like to help out other girls who are in the same situation. I might also lead a Bible study. That could be interesting.

That's all I've got for now, I suppose.

All I need is the air I breathe, and a place to rest my head.

Study breaks are always productive. I've done a lot of studying this weekend. I'm pretty happy about that. I need to be studying this much if I want to get good grades in my classes.

This weekend was pretty eventful, aside from the studying, too. I think I'm figuring out how to balance studying enough and being able to have a social life. Friday night I got all dressed up and went out with Caro. We went and saw 27 Dresses. It was really good. Much better than I expected. Definitely one I want to buy when it comes out on DVD. Then Saturday morning we woke up and made pancakes. Caro left to hang out with her family for a few hours and I studied. Then we headed over to another friend's house and went in the hot tub, and hung out for a while. Then Sunday morning we went to the early service (well, technically the middle service because there's an 8 o'clock service that we don't go to) and then to Sunday School. After, we went to Arby's for lunch. We studied for a bit after that. Then Caro left to go hang out with some people and watch the Superbowl. I picked up some groceries, Chris came over, we made pasta and watched random bits of the game. We also got a lot of studying done, so that was good.

This morning I woke up, and was all freaked out because I thought it was Tuesday. I was very confused. But then I realized it was Monday. I relaxed for a few hours. I called the Plasma Donation place, and I will be going there tomorrow morning to donate some. I also emailed my resume to my mom and had her fax it to a law firm that is looking for a part time file clerk. I'm hoping that works out. I turned down the nanny position because the lady only wanted me 5 hours a week, and then random days here and there. I wouldn't have been making enough money for it to be worth the driving.

So this morning, Chris and Caro came over and we've been studying pretty much all day. I'm taking a break now, because I feel like my brain is about to riot. I should get back to that soon.

That restless feeling is creeping back in. I'm trying to work on relying on God instead of doing something ridiculous when I get that feeling.

Hey! You're the one that I've been looking for. And I've found You here.

I love cloudy days. Especially days that involve thrift stores and new Chinese restaurants with friends. I even went to class this morning! Granted, it was only for an hour, but I got everything I needed out of it. Then Caroline and I went downtown to go to a thrift store. We met up with another friend to go back to where we had come from and had Chinese for lunch. It was good. Now we're just sitting around, listening to music, and computing. Trying to figure out plans for tonight. We'll probably just end up staying here. Too bad my apartment complex doesn't have a hot tub. I'm really in the mood for that. Oh well, I guess it'll just have to wait until tomorrow.

Things are going so well! I'm feeling so much better about so many things. I think the best thing, though, is that I've opened myself to meeting new people. It used to be that I hated expanding my little circle. Part of me was worried about what people would think if they really got to know me, and the other part of me was freaked out that maybe they would be weird. That's one of the things that I've been trying to get over, and so far it's working. On top of that, I've decided not to abandon old friendships. That's been a good thing, too. Plus, I've been going to Late Nite, and the Friday night Bible study. I've also decided that I will probably continue to be involved with the college ministry.

I think the biggest difference is having my own apartment. I'm actually able to have people over! We cook here at least twice a week. This week alone I've had people over almost every night. I love it.

Anyway, I'm out like a cake at a birthday party. Places to go!

Procrastination begets an update.

Instead of working on my 500 word rough draft I've managed to: clean my room, recycle my newspapers, drop off a movie at blockbuster, clean my kitchen, make a new playlist on my ipod, and make pasta salad. If I had dirty laundry, I'd also be doing that. In my defense though, I have begun researching my topic. So I'm not a completely horrible student.

It's been a pretty lazy day for me. The only time I've left my apartment is to take a movie back to blockbuster. I have showered, though, and I'm dressed. So at least that's something. I'm just in one of those homebody moods. I'm sure I could make plans tonight, but I'm not sure if I want to. It wouldn't be any different than last Saturday, actually. That was the night I went to sleep at like 9 p.m. It was beautiful. Except for when I woke up at 5:30 a.m. the next morning.

Tomorrow I'm going to be visiting a different church. The pastor is an awesome speaker, and judging by the website, the church should be really cool. I'm going with a couple of people that I just recently became acquainted with.

This week has been very eventful for me, non-socially speaking. Well, socially, too. I've been working on getting out of my comfort zone, and actually opening up to people. It's difficult, I have to admit. But it's so worth it. I'm so excited about the new people that I've met because I got outside of my zone. I'm so thankful for the people that I hang out with on a regular basis. It's nice to have a group of people that I feel comfortable with. I had been debating whether or not I would continue with the Friday night Bible studies. I've decided to keep going, and I'm glad for that. I was able to get out of my comfort zone last night, and open up to people. That was a good feeling. I've also been struggling with not having many girlfriends. Thursday night I was just praying that God would send me someone to open up to, and not only did He deliver, but I was actually able to open up to two girls. That's who I'm going to church with tomorrow morning. I'm pretty excited about it.

You take me the way I am.

Not much to update, I think. I just feel the urge to write things down. Odd.

I still feel restless. It's not as bad as it was last night, but it's still there. I don't know what to make of it. I said in my last post that the last time I felt like this was when I got my last tattoo (November 06) but I realized just now that the last time I felt like this was actually later than that. It was about this time, and it resulted in bangs. I'm still dealing with the consequences of that. It was not a good choice. Some people are not meant to have bangs, and I am one of those people. Luckily, in the past year they've grown out considerably and now blend in with the rest of my hair, and just sort of look like layers. Needless to say, I will not make that mistake again. Though I do need to get my hair trimmed. I'm getting split ends and it's been since like Augustish. I'm overdue for a trim. Though I did finally get my eyebrows waxed the other day. I feel much better!

I'm supposed to go line dancing tonight with one of my friends. She was supposed to call me last night to work out the details, and I still haven't heard from her. I have no idea what's going on. If she doesn't call me by 6 or 7 tonight I'm making other plans. I kinda hope she pulls through because I really want to go line dancing and I don't know anyone else who likes it. At the same time, I won't be heartbroken if it doesn't pan out because I know I will be able to find something else to do.

I want to go fishing.

I haven't really been paying attention...

I figure it's a good idea to type up an update post during a boring three hour class.

I've been relatively busy/social lately. I don't hate it. I do think that I might need to slow down a bit. It's only the third week of classes, so it's not like I have a whole lot of studying to do, but I'm worried that if I keep up with this then I won't have any time to study.

I've been feeling a lot better since I've moved back. I know that this is a combination of a few things. First, I've been social, instead of spending all my time alone, which just encourages depression. Also, I've been going to Late Nite, and I've decided to get involved in a Bible study that meets every other Friday night. This last Sunday I checked out a different church with one of my friends. It wasn't the kind of church I'm used to, and I wouldn't go on a regular basis, but it was a good experience. Now we're getting a different sermon at Late Nite than they have on Sunday mornings. So until I can find a church that I feel at home at, I'll be going to the same church on Sunday mornings. That's definitely helping me.

I have been feeling restless though. It started about two days ago. So far I'm just kind of ignoring it and hoping it will subside. The last time I felt restless like this was when I went and got my last tattoo a little over a year ago. It's hard to describe this restless feeling. It's this urge that starts out small, and when I sit too long or don't have something to do, it kind of nags at the back of my mind. It's not so much an urge to run away and never come back, it's more an urge to try something new, maybe take a road trip to somewhere I've never been. Just kinda get out of the familiar for a little while. Right now it isn't too bad. Sunday, though, I felt it terribly. It was this want/need/craving for a change. I almost dyed my hair, but I felt that 1) that's not really something I wanted to do and 2) that wouldn't have really satisfied the urge for change.

Overall, though, things are going well. Last night a group of us went out to the beach to see the sunset. Then we went to our friend's house and made quesadillas for dinner. Afterwards, we watched Disturbia. It was a pretty good movie. Kinda freaked me out a bit.

Ah, well. Such is life.

Now I walk in the light in victorious sight of You

I had a lot that I wanted to get down. Now that I've got this open, I don't know what to say.

Things are going well for me. I'm enjoying my classes. My weekend is going to be busy, and I'm so excited for it! Tomorrow night is the WinterJam concert. We're going just to see Skillet, then we're leaving early to go to an art show that a couple of our friends are in. That should be pretty exciting. Then Saturday, hopefully a bunch of people are coming over. I wish they'd let me know. Then Sunday morning I'm checking out a new church with my friend, and then of course late nite. Good thing I don't have classes on Mondays. That can be my study time.

Tomorrow my sister is going to buy us tickets to the Taste of Chaos concert that will be here in March. She's excited about that, so that makes me excited.

Next Friday, Anchor & Braille is going to be playing a show at a local club. I think I might go.

Umm. My quiet time is going really well, when I do it. I'm trying to make it a habit to do it every morning. So far it's more like every other morning. Yesterday, it wasn't even a morning. I did it last night before I went to sleep. I didn't do it this morning. I doubt I'll do it tomorrow morning. I have class at 9, and have to leave here by 8ish. The bus takes forever. Maybe I'll get up at 730 to do it.

Anyway. I should get dressed and get ready to leave for class. In reality it's gonna take me like 15 minutes just to figure out what shirt to wear.

Updates!

I think I'm settling back into the way of life here, and I love it. I'm making an effort to not only be social, but also to expand my circle of friends. So far, I think that's going pretty well. I've managed to have plans every night this past weekend. Plus, this coming weekend is shaping up to be pretty busy for me. I've invited some people over to hang out and stuff on Saturday night. Friday night I have two things that I've been invited to. One is a concert that I'm pretty stoked about. The other one is an art show that this girl invited me to at her church. She's in the group of people that I've started hanging out with, so I'd like to go and hang out with them. I don't know what I'm going to do.

I put in an application at Starbucks today. Hopefully I hear back from them.

My classes seem interesting, so I'm thankful for that. That means that I might actually attend them and pay attention. Particularly my Bible as Literature class.

Every other Friday night is a Bible study that I'm going to be attending. They've had it for a few years now, and it's led by the same guy who leads the Sunday morning small group at the church that I used to attend. I never went though, for one reason or another. I'm glad that I went this week, though. I've started doing my quiet time again. Hopefully I can keep up with it this time. I think that's the thing that I struggle with the most.

Anyway. I should start my homework.

Why don't you stay. I'm up off my knees. I'm so tired of being lonely, you can't give me what I need.

It's amazing how things have a way of working themselves out.

I feel so much better. I haven't felt anxious since night before last, which is good.

I'm proud of myself! I made it to my morning class. Yay me! What's even better is that it seems like an interesting class, so I will actually go! Plus it helps that it's only one day a week, and I want to do well. Now I'm waiting for Val to get out of class. I'm gonna go pick her up and we're going to have lunch. Then at 4, I have a meeting at my old job. So I'm pretty excited about that. Then tonight is a bible study that I think I'm going to go to.

Things are looking up :)

throw it away forget yesterday we'll make the great escape

I think I've reached the point in all of this where enough is enough. I'm starting to feel smothered. I hate that feeling. To me it's one of the worst feelings ever. It's just too much too fast. I know that this is pretty much my fault, for letting it get this way. But that doesn't change things now. I think I need to pull back for a while. I need some room to breathe.

I wish I had someone to talk to. I mean, I do have people that I can talk to. Not about this, though. No one would understand.

I can't even talk about it here, now. Too many people I know read this.

I need a great escape.

I love air conditioning.

so much for a post every day.

So much for going to class.

I'm pretty aggravated about that second one, actually. But, it's my fault. I forgot my student ID in my bedroom. So I had to go back and get it. When I was coming down the stairs, I saw the bus pull away. I should have walked to campus (it would have taken like 20 min. maybe) but I waited for the next bus, which took just as long to get there. Then it took another 20 minutes getting to the place I needed to get off at. Which put me on campus 10 minutes after the class had started. Then I couldn't find the building, which is beyond ridiculous because I know the campus like the back of my hand. When I finally realized i had passed it twice, it was already 20 minutes into the class. Then I couldn't find the room. So I just gave up. I hope they don't drop me, if they do I will just re-add it, I guess. So now I'm on campus, but there's no point going home because I have a class at 6, and I don't want to go through this again. I'm so glad I brought my computer!

I'm waiting for an email from the professor of the class that I want to get into. My adviser told me that she isn't letting anyone in that wasn't there on the first day, but then again my adviser is dumb. Instead of actually being able to speak with my adviser, I got a phone call from some student who didn't even know what was going on. He had to ask her questions every 30 seconds. Why didn't he just put her on the phone? So, anyway. I emailed the professor and told her that I was interested in the class and that I was unable to attend on the first day. I asked if there was any way that I would be able to get a permit for the class. I still haven't gotten a reply.

So that's how my day has been going so far.

Ooh! a good thing about my day is that I got a cheap oil change! I got a coupon for a free oil change, but I had to pay the disposal fee, and pay for a new filter. So it came out to like 10 bucks. I was happy about that! Plus, the mechanic checked out my car and told me it's in awesome condition. So that was a bit of a relief. I mean, I know that it's a good car. My dad wouldn't have let me buy it if it wasn't. But it helps to have someone who's somewhat of an expert tell you that.

I absolutely love my apartment. As bad as it sounds, I'm actually a bit relieved that there's rarely anyone there. It's so quiet. I'm looking forward to going home tonight after class gets over (at freaking 9!!) and taking a shower and possibly falling asleep.

I should be reading for my next class. I should also review the power point lecture notes for it. Maybe that's where I'll take my notes from.

Oh yeah. Could someone please alert mother nature that it's JANUARY and therefore should not be 80 degrees outside?!

WOOHOO! A real update...

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

that's a big sigh of relief, in case you were wondering.

Not only am I all moved in, but everything is unpacked! It's such a relief. I love it.

I miss my family a little. I suppose that's normal. It feels weird not being on campus. It feels just as weird coming in the middle of the semesters.

After I got everything (except my bathroom) unpacked, I made a trip to walmart. I needed to pick up some stuff I didn't have. That included picking up some food items so I don't starve. I think that's a good plan. That was pretty much the only time leaving the apartment since I've moved in. Which isn't bad considering I've been here about 8 hours. Get back to me tomorrow when I haven't left at all. Also, monday.

Well. There's a good reason for that, actually. It turns out the keys that the complex gave me don't work. I had to have the girl at the leasing office let me into my apartment just so I could move in my stuff. Then I had to basically stay here until Val got here so she could give me her key so I could have a copy made. The guy at walmart claimed he "couldn't" give me the same type of key she had. So the copy I had made doesn't unlock the door. The complex can't get a key made for me until Monday. So either I have to use Val's only key and she has to be without a key or I just don't go anywhere. I'll talk to her when she gets home, because they only place that I want to go tomorrow is walmart to return the cable I bought. It's too short by like a foot. Which sucks. Other than that, nothing. Not until Monday. I'm so glad that my classes don't start until Tuesday at 3:30.

delayed...

I am completely packed, aside from the clothes that I'm wearing. All of my stuff is packed into 2 cars (!!!) and I'm leaving in the morning. I'm excited about it. I'm a bit relieved, too. I feel like I'm kind of being a burden on my parents financially. It's going to be such a relief when I can pay back the money that they loaned me, and then be responsible for myself. Sometimes I think I worry too much about them. I feel kind of responsible. If I had gotten a job and been able to pay for myself, then I wouldn't have had to borrow so much money from them and they wouldn't be in this situation.

Meanwhile, I finally got to play Rock Band! It's amazing. haha.


This was supposed to be posted yesterday but my internet went out last night. LAME!

I think that's it for now?

Random thoughts:
- Lil' smokies are ALWAYS a good idea.
- My room seems strange.
- Chicken needs to have a faster thawing rate.
- The guy on 10 Years Younger is odd looking. (Mark Montano) Not to mention slightly annoying.
- Television sucks during the daytime.
- New Grey's on the 10th. so exciting!
- I have a strange fascination with reality shows.
- I have a lot to do before I leave, and once I get there.
- woo! CSI Miami.

I don't eat often, but I feel like I eat more than I should? haha. that sounds terrible. When I o eat, I eat things that are not healthy for me. Hm. Good thing I'm gonna have to buy all my own groceries now. Maybe I won't buy so much stuff that isn't healthy.

I contacted the guy who' in charge at my old job. Hopefully there's a position open for me to come back to.

I just have to say that Sprint sucks. Two years ago I signed a contract. I was so looking forward to my contract ending this month and being able to find a company that is better. HA! Funny joke. Turns out, 5 months after I first signed my contract, I changed my plan. That extends your contract by two years from the date that you change your plan. So now I'm stuck with Sprint until May. The worst part is that the plan I have is ridiculous, and I could use a cheaper one, but if I change it, I'm stuck with sprint for two more years. I might look into what it costs to terminate my contract now. It might be cheaper for me in the long run. In fact, I'm gonna do that now. Okay. So it will cost me 150 dollars to terminate my fee, plus whatever I owe previously to terminating it. So right now It will cost me 225 dollars. But, I have to pay 75 dollars anyway, because that's my monthly bill. So I am going to spend more money keeping my phone on until May than if I just terminate the contract now. I think that's what I'm going to do. I will save about 200 dollars by ending my contract now. Unfortunately, I'm going to have to wait about 3 weeks to do it, because I have to wait until I get the money from school.

I'm lucky I know, but I want to go home.

One thing I want to try to do is to post at least once a day, and see how long I can keep it up for.

That said, today was mostly spent packing. I managed to pack almost everything in my bedroom. All that's left are my clothes in the dirty laundry basket and in the two dressers, plus a couple of things hanging in the closet, and a few odds and ends that I'm still using, like my lamp, my ihome thing, my tv, my computer, toothbrush, and hairbrush. Plus I need to take the Christmas lights down and pack them. There's not much lighting in my room in the apartment, only an overhead light.

I talked to Val and she isn't going to be there on Saturday when I move in, but I finally got to ask her what I need to pick up.

It's so weird having an almost empty room. My bookshelf is gone, and I think that's the thing that sticks out the most. That, and I took down my bulletin board and pictures and pearls on the wall. So now it just feels bare.

I like the way it feels when you sit down just the right way and your tail bone cracks.

Some things are better left unsaid. Some are not.

Sometimes things just need to be said. Someone's feelings might get hurt, and that sucks. In my opinion, though, sometimes when you leave things unsaid it just makes it worse. It's essentially lying to the person you're not saying them to.

With that said:

• We aren't best friends, and I think you know it. We rarely talk. I feel awkward telling you things, and you never tell me stuff that's going on with you.

• I'm really sad that you're moving. I think that you are really the only real friend I had in that place. I don't know what I'll do without you.

• I'm really excited about moving in with you and getting to know you better. I hope that you become one of the good friends that I want/need.

• It can never be the same now.
  

So I guess that's it. That's really all I had to say that wasn't being said.

I don't make resolutions...

I don't make resolutions. I don't keep them. So what's the point?

Instead, I have goals. Not so much for the year, I think. I've been thinking a lot, about the past year. There were a lot of thing this year that I've done and regret. I had a lot of fun, and a couple of firsts. I went to Disney World for the first time, on my birthday. I think that was the one that was most fun. It was also the first time I had been to Universal. It was also the first time that I'd ever been scared for my life, that night in the hotel, alone.

Thinking about all the things that happened this year made me realize how much about my life I want to change. At first I was worried that it was going to cause hurt feelings, and then I realized that while that sucks, it has to happen.

I need to find new friends, people I actually have things in common with. I need people that I feel comfortable talking to, and I feel welcome around. I can't say that I've felt like that a whole lot this year. Maybe with a couple of people. One of those people are no longer in my life, which I consider a good decision. The other person is moving away, and as much as I want to believe that the friendship won't change, I know it will. That's life. I think that's my biggest goal when I go back.

I also want to find a church that I feel comfortable in, because honestly I don't feel comfortable in the one that I had been going to.

I think that's it, for now. I'll be able to come up with more when I've had more time to actually sit here and think. For now I've got to leave.