I can still feel the breeze that rustles through the trees

This morning was a particularly difficult morning as far as waking up goes. I just did NOT want to wake up. I can attribute this, I think, to the fact that I did not sleep well last night. It took me almost two and a half hours to fall asleep. Then when I finally got comfortable enough to fall asleep, I woke back up. Ugh. Those nights are the worst.

But today I started working out again for the first time. I thought that after the workout I'd be exhausted and want to nap, but surprisingly I had more energy than before. This is not usually the case with me. Oh well. I've also noticed that I've been not only remembering to take my medicine every day, but I'm doing it at around the same time. I think I can mark the first week as a success overall. Tomorrow will be the true test. It's Saturday morning, and a typical sleep in morning in my house (though I guess you could say that for every morning!)

I feel like a huge dork. I'm pretty excited about my new Dell Axim. Oh well. I don't care. My daddy is pretty awesome.

chicks were born to give you fever

Things That Make Me Happy:
Sunny days.
Rain.
Music.
Friends.
Food.
Finding cute clothes on sale.
Movies.
Sleep.
emails.
Pictures.
Family.
My kitty.
big sunglasses.

crazy little thing called love

I think that there might be something to this idea of getting up before noon. Who'da thought?

It's day three, and I already feel so much better. I've been doing my quiet time every morning, I spend less time sitting on the computer, I've actually spent time in the pool (and therefore in the sun) and I don't feel like I'm getting depressed anymore! I have tons more energy. I also feel like I have more time in my day. Even though I'm still sleeping the same amount of hours, I go to bed earlier, and wake up earlier. Apparently more daylight in your day means feeling like you have more time. I no longer feel like I'm wasting my day. I've filled out a couple of applications at some of the places around here, so hopefully something pans out.

Also! There's a very good possibility that I've found someone to sublease from, and the best part is that I'll be living with one of my friends. Hoorah! Unfortunately it's because one of my friends is leaving and that makes me sad. But I guess this is what is best for her, so as sad as I am, I support her.

I love you in a place where there's no space or time

I am feeling so much better. I honestly think sunshine can cure the blues!

Or at least make you feel better. I decided to take a little time today and hang out in the pool. During this time, I figured out some stuff and realized what was really bothering me. I think the thing that's the most important in feeling better is to actually start doing stuff. So I've decided that tomorrow (well technically tonight) is when I'll start getting back into a routine. I say tomorrow because there's not much I can do about it today, except not staying up til 3 a.m. I think that's a good start to what I want to accomplish. One step at a time, eh?

On a plus note, I have everything I need for classes. The only thing that I don't have is the ac adapter for my PDA, but that's not imperative to my classes.


ooh, and the title of this post is from a Michael Buble song (of course) and I think it's one of the prettiest lines I've heard in a while.

Ramblings

is it possible to take a break from life?

I feel like that's what I need. This situation has exhausted me emotionally and mentally. It brought up things that I wasn't even aware were stressing me out. I mean, yeah I feel better now that I put an end to the nonsense. But at the same time, it made me realize that there is nothing here for me. There is no one here for me. And I have at least four more months of this. I mean, sure I'll get a job. And there's church. Plus classes will keep me busy. And I'll be able to make trips up to see all my friends. But I know I won't be able to go every weekend, and it would be nice to have some things to do around here and some people to do it with.

I see pictures that different girl have put up. There they are with a group of friends, and they all look so happy. I can't help but be a little jealous of that. Sure I have friends, but I don't have that. I don't have a group of close girl friends. I feel like the friends that I do have, I don't have much in common with. And it's making it harder because I'm not going back right away, so everyone is moving on and I feel stuck. I feel trapped in this life.

The sermon yesterday was on interruptions in your life, and how they can be God's introduction for something amazing in your life. I know that this is an interruption, and I'm sure something amazing will come out of it. One day, I'm sure I'll look back and think to myself "yeah, it sucked. But it was worth it." Right now, however, I have a hard time keeping that in mind.

I keep saying that I want to get back into a routine, and all that. And I really do mean it. I just can't make myself do it. I'd much rather sleep, even though I really get nothing out of it. I really hope that I'm not becoming depressed again. I don't think I could handle that. I feel like I'm going stir crazy. Maybe I just need to get out of here for a while. Who knows.

Boys are stupid. Throw rocks at them.

So, I find it much easier to avoid confrontation than to actually find out what I want to know. But. I do have moments in my life where I get tired of people's bull and I call them out on it. I find it "convenient" that this person has chosen now to try to be "friends." We were never friends. A year after we broke up, he came up to the town I was in for a concert. I happened to be hanging out with a girl who I met through him, and we hooked up.

As much as I hate doing this kind of stuff, it feels good to let him know that I know what he's up to and I'm not putting up with it. What makes it worth it all, though, is finding out that I'm right. He admitted that he was looking for a hookup. I told him no. If this was a different time, I would have told him quite a few other things, using a lot of little four letter words. But I'm better than that, and I simply told him that I wasn't interested. And now I feel so good about the fact that I didn't give in to the temptation.

And now I can go on with my life, feeling better about myself, and knowing I didn't do something that I would have regretted.

I've found you find strength in your moments of weakness

Thank God I didn't do something stupid.

It's not over tonight just give me one more chance to make it right I may not make it through the night I won't go home without you

I know it's wrong.

I know it can't end well.

So why am I so tempted?

I gotta be cool, relax.

I got bored today, so my sister and I headed out of the house. We decided to try on cocktail dresses at the mall (that just shows how much there is to do here.) While putting a dress on (or taking it off, I don't remember) over my head, I managed to scrape skin off of my forehead with my thumbnail.

Yes, I am just that cool. So now I have a huge red scratch down my forehead.

Do you ever have those days where you just feel like crying? I do. Today (rather the past few days) has been one of those times. It's not PMS, and there's no particular reason. I just feel as if I need a good cry. I'm not even sad! Ah, well. Such is life I suppose.

So last night's attempt at going to sleep early didn't turn out so well. I made the mistake of turning on the television. I have this thing about coming into my bedroom in complete darkness, so the plan was to turn on the tv for light and then shut it off once I got settled. But of course, I turned it on and something good was on tv. One of those "how-to" shows, or a forensics files show or something. Anyway. Then I discovered a show on VH1. Top 40 Reality TV Moments. Oh man. I had heard there was a spot about Jen from Big Brother on there, with her tantrum about her picture. Well of course I had to see that. And of course, it was moment number four or something like that. Which meant I had to watch 2 hours. So yeah.

Well tonight is going to be a little different. My mom has a doctor's appointment in the morning, and my sister and I are going with her. So no matter what time I go to sleep, I have to be up around 7:30 or so. I still haven't developed any kind of routine, and I'm still not doing my quiet time.

So I knew when I started college that it wouldn't last forever and that eventually real life would settle in. I just didn't expect it to happen while I was still in college. The number of friends I have that are either engaged or married have exceeded two hands. One friend is leaving to spend a year in England doing missionary work. I was just informed that another friend is planning on moving to Canada in a year to be a missionary. I can still remember a time in my life when the days dragged on and it felt like forever. Now, it's like where did the time go? It seems like just yesterday I was starting the summer and now it's pretty much over.

UGH.

Why does it seem like when things are finally going well, life throws a curve ball at me? I was seeing this guy about two years ago, I suppose. We dated briefly (for about a month) and it was during the time in my life where I was trying to fill the void with a relationship. So basically for me, this guy was awesome. I thought that things were going well and that we were gonna be together for a while. During that spring break I went to Miami with my sister (my dad went on a conference.) I didn't hear from this guy much at all, and when I did it was because I called him. Well when I got back, it was as if nothing was wrong. Things went back to normal. Then one night, about a week later he took me out to dinner. Told me that he didn't think we should see each other anymore. He thought our relationship was just about sex (which it kinda was, but at that time I didn't see it.) I was heartbroken at the time. He then asks me if I'd like to go play pool with some of his friends (who were I suppose my friends through him.) I went. Because I was dumb and thought that maybe it would make him change his mind. It didn't. It turns out that he had been planning to break up with me for about 2 or 3 weeks and had even told his friends. I haven't heard from him in about a year. Well all of a sudden he IMs me. Last I had heard (which was about a 9 months ago) he had a girlfriend whom he was living with and they were happy. Well this didn't really affect me. Until now, apparently. I guess they broke up a couple weeks ago. Now he wants to take me to dinner. Now I feel like crying and screaming. I don't want to be mean, but I really want to be like "dude you broke up with me and ruined your chance." But I don't want to be mean. Ugh. I don't know. There was a time when I would have just said it. Instead, when he asked if I was seeing anyone, I told him that I didn't want to get involved because I was only here temporarily. Let's hope that works. Just ugh.

I quit. It's 1:30 and I need at least 6 hours to function and I'll probably only get 5 1/2. Thank God for Michael Buble. He's helping me keep my mind off of how frustrating this is.

I have no title....

So, once again I didn't do my quiet time. Even though I had the time to do it.

But it's 11:47 and I'm getting ready to go to sleep! Hopefully this is the beginning of what I want to get accomplished.

I suppose we shall see.

Also, I'm very sad that my friends are moving away. Most of them before I even get the chance to say goodbye. I'm lucky because Rachel won't be moving until December, so at least I'll get to spend some time with her before she leaves, but some friends are already gone, and the others will be gone before I get my car.

Growing up sucks.

A blog in the middle of the day? Incredible!

This Wednesday afternoon finds me with no air conditioning. (Thank goodness for ceiling fans!) In Florida, no air conditioning is almost as bad as no air to breathe. Luckily our house is tile so it doesn't get too hot plus the fans help. It's a comfortable 87 degrees in the house.

Already today I have managed to not start the routine I claim I am going to start. Any day now. Granted, it's only 4 o'clock, and I could still do my quiet time. Right now I'm trying to figure out some bills and other things online.

I'm also pretty excited because I have a stack of books that I haven't read yet. I think the one I'm most excited about is Angels and Demons by Dan Brown. I've heard that it's very good. I also managed to find a copy of Jane Eyre which happens to be one of my favorite books ever. I know a few people have mentioned the book I'm currently reading, Why Men Love Bitches, and it seems that the feedback has mostly been the same. The reason I'm reading this book is not because I feel that I need a "self-help" book. It's not even that I feel I need help in relationships. I'm actually reading it because a friend of mine read it and told me that it changed her life. At that point I was pretty skeptical, so she challenged me to read it. She told me that it would have the same effect on me. I have to say, I'm not impressed with this book. In my opinion, the advice goes a little too far. Sure, there are some pieces of advice that any woman could take to heart, but to me that's just more common sense than anything else. I think that any woman reading this, if she isn't careful, will end up taking every bit of advice to heart and will end up with either a jerk of a boyfriend or alone.

Anyway, that's just my two cents. I definitely wouldn't recommend this book to people.

You've always been our refuge, there's peace in Your glory

The morning finds me faced with a dilemma. I have this urge to write, but find that I have nothing to say. Or at least that's how I feel. I'm reading this book by Sherry Argon, titled Why Men Love Bitches. To be honest, I'm not really sure why I'm reading it. It's one of those "self-help" books. The tagline is "from doormat to dreamgirl - a woman's guide to holding her own in a relationship." To be sure, there's some good advice in this book. I've come across some things that I have done in the past (not just in relationships but also in potential relationships and friendships) that I was unaware of. It's a good eye opener, though there's a lot of stuff that I won't be keeping in mind.

I'm back to not doing my quiet time. It sucks because as much as I'm disappointed about it, I find that I just don't have the motivation to do it. I've discovered about myself that I function way better when I'm on some kind of a routine. My problem right now is that I just don't have the self-discipline to have a routine without a job/classes to attend. This is not made any easier by the lack of jobs in the area. Plus online classes. I was hoping that I could motivate myself to set up a routine without a job, but so far that effort has been fruitless. I find myself unmotivated and lazy. Not a good feeling. In fact, it's pretty lame.

What I really want to do is start working out and getting back into shape. I miss the energy that I had when I was into a regular sleeping pattern. Plus working out would help me to shape some sort of routine out of my day. I just can't seem to get started. I guess staying up til 3 a.m. doesn't really help matters much. Maybe I'll start there.

Post Secret

Post Secret

mmmmmmmmmm Michael Buble

As I think most people know, music is one of my most favorite things in the world. It has been so many things for me, but mostly it's been an escape from reality during the times when I needed to get away most.

My current obsession is Michael Buble. I absolutely adore him. Not only is he a very attractive man, but whoa buddy, this guy can sing! I love that he has a very old jazz style. He reminds me a lot of Frank Sinatra. This is my current favorite song by him, "Everything"



Anyway. Currently my bedroom is my haven, as I believe it should be for everyone. I have Christmas lights strung on the walls (which are pink) so I don't have to use my overhead light which is overbearing. It creates this very relaxed atmosphere, and mixed with the musical styling of one Mr. Buble is quite the experience. I think people are surprised when they find out that I love jazz music. And by that I mean pretty much all jazz music. I love Etta James, Duke Ellington, Louis Armstrong, Billie Holiday, Jelly Roll Morton, Miles Davis, Harry Connick Jr., Ella Fitzgerald, and of course Frank Sinatra.

So one of the things that I'm doing with this whole "moving on" thing is finding out things that I like. Jazz music is definitely one of them. I realized that in the midst of everything that went on, I lost part of who I was. And even though it's been quite a while since then, I never really took the time out to figure out who I am. This past year has been amazing, really the past year and a half has. I've learned a lot about what I can deal with, and I've made incredible friends. But I haven't really figure out who I am. Just me, not me with someone else, not me as "the future lawyer," just me. So , I've picked up quite a few new books to read and I'm trying to branch out musically. Who knows what else is to come. But I'm excited!

I'm Moving On (for real this time)

I've dealt with my ghosts and I've faced all my demons
Finally content with a past I regret
I've found you find strength in your moments of weakness
For once I'm at peace with myself
I've been burdened with blame, trapped in the past for too long
I'm movin' on

I've lived in this place and I know all the faces
Each one is different but they're always the same
They mean me no harm but it's time that I face it
They'll never allow me to change
But I never dreamed home would end up where I don't belong
I'm movin' on

I'm movin' on
At last I can see life has been patiently waiting for me
And I know there's no guarantees, but I'm not alone
There comes a time in everyone's life
When all you can see are the years passing by
And I have made up my mind that those days are gone

I sold what I could and packed what I couldn't
stopped to fill up on my way out of town
I've loved like I should but lived like I shouldn't
I had to lose everything to find out
Maybe forgiveness will find me somewhere down this road
I'm movin' on

I've heard people describe these kinds of realizations as having hit them out of nowhere. I don't think that's true. I think that with something like this, you know for a long time. And for me, the time has come where it's time to cut myself loose. I'm letting go.

Have a happy period!

So I always assumed that the people who ran the ad campaigns for Always pads were women. I mean, it makes sense right?

Obviously, I was wrong.

Only a man could even think that a period could be "happy." That's just ridiculous. Have you ever met a woman who was extremely happy, and when asked the reason for such bliss replied with "Oh, I'm on my period!"?

Exactly.

Obviously, these men are not married, nor do they have sisters, mothers or daughters. In fact, they've probably never even been around a woman who was on her period.

I've done it all, I've seen it all but I can't find a feeling like that

1 a.m. and I find myself not ready for sleep. Tired, yes. Just not ready for sleep. Instead I find myself reflecting on events in my life over the past year or so. I realize that this is something I do quite often, and I can't help but wonder if most people think about this kind of stuff as often as I do. I suppose this time is different than most. This time, thinking about this doesn't make me sad, and I don't feel regretful. Instead, I'm pretty happy with the way things have been going. Sure I've had my moments, it wouldn't be worth it if I didn't would it? It's odd because there was a time in my (short) life where I used to say that I don't regret things that I've done because they've brought me where I am. Then there was a time after that where I felt as if I should regret things that I've done, and I tried, really I did. But when I was honest with myself, I don't know that I could say I regret those things. Do I wish I had done things differently? Sure, but doesn't everyone? I think part of the thrill of doing certain things is that you don't know where it's going to lead you or how it's going to affect you. That's also scary. There was another time where I wasn't willing to admit to myself that things that I had done were mistakes. I used to say that I never made mistakes, only wrong decisions. One could argue that they're the same thing, but that doesn't matter. Man, I was naive. Of course I make mistakes, everyone does. That's life. I still make mistakes. I suppose that, currently, I don't but that's because I'm not really making any major decisions at this point. Most of them are already made, and the rest I'm a few months off from having to make. But I am still reaping the consequences of mistakes I've made as recently as April. It's funny because that's one decision that I do regret. And I do realize that it's a mistake. However, I think what makes this time different than the rest is that instead of dwelling on this mistake, and letting it control my life, I see it for what it is, and I'm over it. This is very different from how I'm used to handling things. Could it be that I've grown? That I've actually matured? Unthinkable! It's a good feeling.

Ponderances..... or things I wonder....

• You know how MySpace has that "cool new people" section on the homepage? If you're picked to be one of the "cool new people" can you see yourself?
• Why is it that two foods that would never ever ever seem tasty together all of a sudden become appetizing when a woman is pregnant?
• Why does birthday cake taste better than non-birthday cake?
• Why is it that when you're puttering around online the hours fly by, yet when you're doing something you hate the hours drag?
  

When I grow up I want to be rich and British.

So I have a confession to make.

I am obsessed with Bravo's celebrity shows.

My favorite show is Kathy Griffin's My Life On The D-List. I think she's fabulous and funny. If I were to come back in another life, I'd want to be her.

Tonight I discovered Victoria Beckham is Coming To America.

*clutch the pearls*

Am I the only person who finds her to be fantastic?

I'm convinced that I should have been born British and rich. And as thin as my pinky nail. Because I would have definitely been Victoria Beckham. She's brilliant (I think) and not uppity like I expected her to be. Her humor seems to be very dry and sarcastic, which I love. But I have to say, she dressed up a blow-up doll like herself and they drove it around Los Angeles and paparazzi actually believed it was her. Come on. These things just write themselves.... I have nothing further to say on the topic except that I should have been rich and British. When I grow up that's what I want to be.


P.S. her husband isn't that hot.

A confession of sorts. An apology to those I respect.

God has really laid this on my heart as of late. But I've been stubborn and therefore this is much later than it should have been. I feel that this isn't as personal as I'd like to be, but I feel that I need to do this now, and I'm unable to do it in person.

I feel that I owe you an apology, and an explanation of why I'm apologizing. I have this really bad habit of closing myself off when I'm struggling and need help. A few months ago was no exception. I was struggling in my faith. As a result I let my friendships suffer. I basically disappeared. I may have told you that I was busy, perhaps I didn't answer your phone call, or your IM, or even worse if I saw you in person I may have pretended not to. The truth is that I was avoiding everyone at all cost. I needed help and refused to ask for it. I was angry at myself, but took it out on everyone else. This was completely unfair. I started to get upset that people couldn't see that I needed help, and that no one reached out to me. The fact of the matter is that you did reach out to me. But I didn't want to admit that I was wrong, so I pretended I didn't see it. Looking back, I'm very ashamed of my actions and of the way that I treated you. The end of the semester came, and I came to Late Nite a couple times. At this point, I couldn't have blamed you if you wanted nothing to do with me. But despite the way that I treated you, you still reached out to me. And this made me angry also. I have no rational explanation for this, except to say that I was becoming more and more angry with myself, yet still refusing to take responsibility for my actions. This summer has been a long walk with God about my actions and the way that I treated you. I underestimated you and I judged you unfairly. I know that sometimes an apology never feels like enough but it's all I have to give you. I am so very truly sorry for my actions. I have the greatest amount of respect for you. Each one of you have been an incredible influence on my life and my faith in one way or another. I only hope that you will give me a chance to show you that I've changed, and to get to know you better.

Just a few more weary days and then....

How do you know when God has placed something on your heart? Does it nag at you? Do you think about it constantly? How do you know that it's just not something that you're obsessing over? How do you know that it's not something that you're doing to yourself, out of some need to acknowledge fault for things that have happened?

Eternal King we bless your name. For you were and you are and forever you will be praised in this place

and Lord our hearts are yielded. They're given only to you God. there is none righteous there is none worthy there is none holy but You the King. I will live my life to sing of Your wonder. To shout of your glory so creation will hear. God we want the world to hear. O sovereign King. This heart is free from the death that I was born into. To put your grace out on display and in response I can't help to sing your praise God. there is none righteous there is none worthy. There is none holy but You the King. I will live my life to sing of your wonder. To shout of your glory so creation will hear you God. We want the world to hear. Hallelujah we sing Hallelujah we cry. Hallelujah we're living for Your name. Hallelujah we sing. Hallelujah we cry. Hallelujah we're living for your name. Hallelujah we sing. Hallelujah we cry. Hallelujah we're living for your name. Hallelujah we sing. Hallelujah we cry. Hallelujah we're living for your name. There is none righteous. There is none worthy. There is none holy but You the King. I will live my life to sing of your wonder. To shout of your glory so creation will hear you God. We want the world to hear.

Incomparable by Chris Kuti Band


I've heard that God is in the details, in the small things. It never really hit home until today. I can't get over how good God is. See, I've really been worried about financial stuff for school coming up. Two of my biggest worries are these loans that I have through the school. I've been worried that because of some changes (like me working, and my parents' income going up) that the amount of the loans would actually be less, which would mean that I wouldn't be able to afford a decent car. Finally today one of my loans came through, and not only was it not less than it was last time, but it was actually about 600 dollars more!! I was so relieved. This means that even if my second loan is a bit less (hopefully it won't be) then I'll still have enough money left over after my apartment gets paid to get a decent car. That is such a relief!

The song above is my new favorite song. The band is actually the band that leads worship at Late Nite. God has blessed my church with an amazing worship team. They just released their first album. I know that God is going to do something amazing with this group of guys. I'm so excited about getting back to school and Late Nite. I miss it so much, I didn't think I would.

Things are going pretty well. There's one thing that I'm having a hard time with (still.) That's my quiet time. I'm not really doing it. And by 'not really' I mean not at all. In fact, I don't know the last time that I did it. I know that I need to be doing it. I really feel different since I've stopped doing it. I can't describe what it feels like, but it's just odd. With that said, I can't motivate myself to do it every day. I just waste my time (for the most part) doing a lot of nonsense and before I know it the day is over. I think I'm going to try doing it tomorrow.

Yep, that's my goal.

I will dance, I will sing, to be mad for my King

Every once in a while I am caught off guard. I have a tendency to take advantage of the beauty of my home. Oftentimes, I don't even give it a second thought. But then there are nights like tonight, when I am reminded of how blessed I am.

Undignified by David Crowder Band

I will dance
I will sing
To be mad
For my King
Nothing Lord
Is hindering
This passion in my soul

Chorus:
And I'll become
Even more undignified than this
Some may say
It's foolishness
But I'll become
Even more undignified than this
Leave my pride
By my side
And I'll become
Even more undignified than this
Some may say
It's foolishness
But I'll become
Even more undignified than this
Than this

La, la, la, la, la, HEY!
La, la, la, la, la
La, la, la, la, la, HEY!
La, la, la, la, la

It's all for You my Lord!

He set me on fire and I am burning alive with His breath in my lungs I am coming undone

"and I cannot hold it in and remained composed. Love's taken over me and so I propose letting myself go. I am letting myself go. You are my joy."
(You Are My Joy by David Crowder Band)

There's something to be said about songs that touch you deep down in your soul. Plus it doesn't hurt when they're fun to sing along to.

On a completely different note, I've been thinking lately about church. For quite a long time now, I've been a little unsatisfied with the church I attend here at home. I can't really say that there's anything "wrong" with it. The worship band is good, the pastor is amazing, and they're doing awesome things in the community. This church strives to be everything that a Biblical church ought to be.

When I think of what I want in a church, this church falls short. I don't feel at home there. I don't feel that I belong. Because it's so large, it's hard to get to know people. When I picture the kind of church that I want to belong to, it's so much smaller. Full of little old ladies that know your name, and actually care. Not that people here don't care, but it's a different kind of caring. I want a church that sings hymns, at least once in a while. Don't get me wrong, I love contemporary worship music, over half of the songs on my ipod are contemporary worship songs. Still, I love the old hymns. I want a church that feels like home. The church that I attend at school is much closer to what I want in a church, but it's still not everything that I'm looking for. I think that when I get back I'm going to try out a couple different churches to see if there's one that does.

Speaking of the church at school, the worship band (which is awesomely talented) is releasing an album in 2 weeks. I really really want to be there for it. Unfortunately it doesn't look like I'm going to be able to and that makes me sad.

I feel so blessed today.

God above all my hopes and fears. I don't care what the world throws at me now. It's gonna be alright!

It's amazing how much I was holding myself back. I didn't even realize it. I am in such awe as to how much God is working in my life. I'm constantly reminded of how blessed I am. I can say that for the first time in a long time, honestly, I am happy. I can't remember feeling like this over the past year. I feel as if I've grown so much, and learned so much. I've made a decision to take an active role in my life. Unfortunately that means making some decisions that, while better for me, are not exactly what I want. For example, my living situation at school. The goal this summer was to make enough money to have a car by August. Unfortunately the job situation here is less than dismal, and while I work here and there, I will probably not have enough money in a little over a month to buy a car. The point of this was going to be that with the money I get back from the school I was going to move into an apartment. Now it's looking like I'm going to have to live on campus (again) in order to be able to afford to buy a car. That is definitely something I am not looking forward to. But I know that I am going to need a car, so I don't have much choice. As much as I dislike the prospect of having to live on campus for another year, I know that it is what's best for me.

I know that I am far from where God wants me to be, but I'm trying to get there. This time I'm not sitting back expecting to just magically "get there." I've discovered that my relationship with Christ is not unlike my relationships with people. It is not a one-sided relationship. I can't expect to be able to do nothing and enjoy all the blessings of it. I have to make an effort. I'm so blessed to have friends who tell me what I need to hear, not what I want to hear.

Hopefully I can stick with it :)

You search much deeper within through the way things appear You're looking into my heart

"comfort is dangerous."

My bible is full of post-its with notes from sermons or my thoughts when I was reading a particular passage. This particular note is stuck on the inside of the cover of my bible. There are a few books (with chapters and verses) jotted down, along with some bullet points. But this phrase is bold and I drew a border around it. Apparently that was the main idea of that particular sermon.

I suppose that this could be applied to my current situation. This isn't to say that anything is going wrong, per se. It's just that things aren't really going. Anywhere. When I pray it feels impersonal. I mean, it's getting better. I'm praying again, so that's an improvement, but it still seems impersonal. I don't know the last time that I did my quiet time, and last night was the first night in a long while that I've spent any time in the Word.

I suppose it's confession time. I have this problem. Rather, it's a jealousy. I'm jealous of those who have this awesome relationship with God. I know quite a few people who are madly in love with Christ and I want that. I want it badly. My problem is this: I don't know how to get it. What's worse is that I hate asking for help. I feel like I should know how to get there on my own. I want to be in that place where I don't have to worry about anything because I know it's taken care of. I want to be so busy and so focused on my relationship with Christ that I don't desire a relationship with another person. I want it to happen because it's supposed to, not because I'm trying to make it happen.

I don't know. I guess I'm just comfortable. I know that I have to make myself uncomfortable but let's face it. That sucks.

It's weird because for the first time in a couple of months, I'm genuinely happy. Things are going well for me, aside from this. I'm not depressed anymore, and I've "come to terms with" a lot of things in my life that I thought were holding me back.

there's a message that I'm sending out like a telegraph to your soul and if I can't bridge this distance stop this heartbreak overload

Do you ever wonder what your life would be like had you made different (or certain) choices?

For example, how would it be if I stayed with a certain person? What if I had gone to a different school? What if I never left this town?

Would I be a different person? Have a different outlook on life?

I'm glad for where I'm at, and who I am. But I wonder if I'd be here, this person, had I made different choices.

I'm sure a lot of people think about this, actually. I wonder if people think about how the choices they're making right now are going to affect their future. I've always said that if I had the ability to change things in my past that I wouldn't, because it would change who I am today. I lied. There are a few things that I'd change if I could go back. I wish I would have had some way of knowing how things would affect me in the future. Not even my life, but me personally, emotionally, psychologically. I've done so many things that damaged me and I wish I could change them. I know that in Christ I'm supposed to be a "new being." But I don't feel new. Sometimes it's hard to remember that the past doesn't matter. I don't know, just been doing a lot of thinking lately. That's probably not good.

from the beginning we're all looking for a happy ending

It's an amazing feeling, finding out that your life isn't ruined.

I shouldn't say ruined. I know that if it had happened, then I would have made the best of it and probably not regretted it. Or maybe I would have. Hard to tell. I'm just glad that I'm not going to find out.

God is amazing.

I'm home for the summer, and honestly I'm relieved. I needed time away from "life." I guess you could say. I mean, life still goes on obviously. But this is like a much needed reprieve from everything going on. I'm going to have a good chance to do a lot of growing this summer. Get a good perspective on life, all that jazz. I do know that I need to go back to school in the fall and work my butt off. The grades that I'm making now are not good enough. Especially because I want to go to law school. I need to make more of an effort in my classes.

Meanwhile, I've discovered that I absolutely love the band Sugarland. I've recently gotten both of their albums and I absolutely love them. So I've been listening to them a lot lately. Just thought I'd add that part, don't really know why.

So I'm making a lot of progress. I'm happy with where I am, and for the first time in a while, I'm happy with where I'm going. I've figured out the source of everything that's been dragging me down. And while I've figured out where I need to be, I haven't figured out how to get there. I suppose knowing is half the battle.

amazing grace how sweet the sound that saved a wretch like me. I once was lost but now am found was blind but now I see

"my chains are gone, I've been set free. My God my Savior has ransomed me. And like a flood, His mercy reigns, unending love. Amazing grace."

I don't understand why it's so hard for me to grasp that concept. Perhaps because human love, the kind of love that I'm used to dealing with, is conditional. How often we hear that someone has "fallen out of love" or done something considered so reprehensible that it is "impossible to love" that person. If you do x, y, and z on my list, I will love you forever, but if you do a, b, and c I can never love you. People wonder why they have to work so hard to fall in love, that's because there's a fear that if you just give it away, people will take advantage of you. And they do.

You would think that, considering the nature of human love, I would be open and accepting of an unconditional, eternal love. Instead, I'm skeptical. I can't grasp the concept, and I don't understand why I'm deserving of such a love.

I could love somebody other than you but I don't want to

It feels like I haven't been here in forever.
It's amazing.
I feel so much lighter, it's such a great feeling.
I'm also feeling better. I have more energy, and am getting back into a regular sleeping pattern. This weekend kinda screwed that up, though. Thursday night I went out with one of my friends for his birthday and we ended up at IHOP at 330, didn't get to sleep til about 6. Same thing Saturday morning because I did Relay For Life. Then on Saturday night, I did a police ride along and didn't get home until almost 4 a.m. so of course didn't fall asleep til about 6 a.m. again. So I'm trying to get out of that. Last night I went to sleep around 4. Woke up at noon. Now instead of sleeping for 12+ hours, I'm only sleeping for 8. Now if only I could make myself go to sleep at an earlier time. But the vitamins are helping, and I'm feeling a lot better. Both physically and otherwise.
I went to Late Nite on Sunday. It was awesome. I realized that part of the problem that I was having was the fact that I hadn't reached out to anyone for help. I was blaming other people, and refusing to acknowledge my role in it. Sunday night was good because I finally reached out to someone for help. I finally admitted to myself that I can't do this on my own, and that I need someone else. It felt really good. Not only did I do that, but for the first time in probably two months I was able to cry. Not just a couple tears, but really crying. It got to the point where I couldn't stop crying. It was such a release. My soul felt so much better after that. Now I just have to stick to it, and not get scared. I realized that I have this thing about allowing people to see when I'm broken. I hate being judged, and I think that admitting to needing help causes people to judge me in a bad way.
So that sums up where I've been for a while. I honestly was not doing well at one point, and made some bad decisions. I was involved with a guy that I should not have been involved with. Finally I got tired of being treated the way that I was, and I was upset with myself for being in that situation. So I mustered up all the strength I had at that point and told him that I deserved better and that I didn't want to see him anymore. Let me tell you something, when you're in one of the lowest points in your life, and struggling with the things that I had been struggling with (as far as relationships go) one of the hardest things to do is end any semblance of a relationship that you have with someone. I wanted so badly to have someone, I missed the intimacy of a relationship. I wanted it so badly, that I settled for someone that under other circumstances I would not have even considered. I'm not proud of it, but it taught me a great lesson.

On a much lighter note, for my birthday I received Pride And Prejudice on DVD! I love it! It even has the ending that the other version I had didn't. I'm so excited!

late nite conversations with God

exhaustion always makes you think.

have you ever noticed that?

last night i was super exhausted, but I just couldn't sleep. Instead I found myself awake at 2 a.m. with thoughts running through my mind. There were so many things that I found myself thinking about. In the end, I ended up seeing things from a really bad perspective, which made me feeling really badly about myself, and making myself out to be this poor, helpless victim. In reality, the things that I get myself into are my fault. One of my good friends told me that until I figure out what I want, things will not get better. She was right. I don't know what I want. I mean, don't get me wrong. I know what I want as far as life goes. I know what I want in the future. I'm trying to figure out what I want right now. I know what I need. But of course, that's different from what I want. I have to figure out how to get past the things that I think I need, and figure out where my heart is. Only then will I be able to see things for what they really are. In reality, things are not that bad. My life is not bad. I have it so much better than I make it seem sometimes.

Help.

I've fallen.

And I can't get back up.

I can't even explain how this song applies

I ain't even gonna to ask you
I can read you like a book
Girl if I ever saw one that's an
I can't believe I did that look
You look like something that the cat drug in
So I won't kick you while you're down
Just let me tell you friend to friend
'Bout a block I've been around

Did you really think last night would last forever
Did you really think that guy hung the moon
Right now you hate yourself 'cause you knew better
But there's no use crying over spilled perfume

There's a big difference between lonely
And lonely for way too long
And I knew when he made his move
You weren't feeling all that strong
So I bit my tongue 'cause I saw it coming
As you danced so close to him
It's two steps forward and three steps back
When a heart is on the mend

Did you really think last night would last forever
Did you really think that guy hung the moon
Right now you hate yourself 'cause you knew better
But there's no use crying over spilled perfume

You fell in a moment of weakness
Well you just got to pull yourself back up
Dry your morning-after tears
'Cause what's done is done

Did you really think last night would last forever
Did you really think that guy hung the moon
Right now you hate yourself 'cause you knew better
But there's no use crying over spilled perfume

No use crying over, no use crying over
No use crying over, spilled perfume

I may hate myself in the morning.

But I'm gonna love you tonight.





(so true)

if you feel alone and lost and need a friend remember every new beginning is some beginning's end

Have you ever been in a place in your life where you're just unhappy with the way things are? That's where I am. I'm just so frustrated. I suppose I should clarify. I'm 22 years old (or at least I will be in about a month.) The idea of going out every weekend and getting obliterated no longer appeals to me. I'd much rather be able to go out for dinner with friends, maybe have a margarita, and just enjoy good company and intelligent conversation. So I suppose it's not so much where I'm at in life as it is where the rest of the people around me are at. Most of my friends, while mature in their own way, still enjoy the "party" scene. Others of my friends don't drink at all, or we're not really friends. More like acquaintances. Which is another issue I'm having. But the point in my life that I'm at is that I want friends who have the same interests that I do, and enjoy the same things that I do. Not that I don't mind going out and doing random, goofy things now and again. But I'd also like to do things like visit museums, go out for coffee, things like that. I don't know. I guess it's just that the people that I'm meeting are still in the party frame of mind. The thing with not really feeling like I have many friends is bothering me. It's something that I've been struggling with for quite a while now, and it's all with the same people. Perhaps a sign that I should be branching out and meeting people on my own, instead of through people. But the thing is that these people go to my church, and I feel like I shouldn't be feeling like they're fake. Which is pretty much how I feel. I see them, and they're so nice that sometimes I'm just like COME ON! Tonight, for instance. I went to Late Nite for the first time in quite a few weeks. No one even acknowledged the fact that I hadn't been there. And it's not like I just go there, I'm supposed to be on the leadership team. The girl in charge acted like I'm there every day. It just really rubs me the wrong way. I want to use the word pretentious, because that's pretty much the only word I can think of to describe it. And it hurts, because then it's like well what's wrong with me that these people aren't good friends of mine? It's like I am unable to make/keep good friends. I have 4 good friends. And if I'm really honest with myself, only one of those people is close enough to me to even have the slightest notion of what I'm really dealing with. Growing pains suck. Especially because this thing that I've been struggling with has been affecting my faith. I can't remember the last time I prayed before tonight. I don't know the last time that I did my quiet time, when before I had been doing it on a daily basis. Late Nite was amazing for me, in the way that it just really reminded me that I'm not going through this alone. It was an amazing feeling. It was even better having Jess there, feeling the same way that I was about some things, just being a source of comfort for me. I feel like I've been depressed for the past few weeks, and now I'm starting to come out of it. Relationships, though, that's a different story. That's a depression I'm having the hardest time coming out of.

we both know how much I let you down. Janie don't you take your love to town

So tonight at work was definitely interesting. It started out pretty well. Jessica and I were having a good time, just driving around not really doing much of anything. We had a war going on with another team that involved tennis balls. Then as the night progressed things started to go downhill. First I got this random text message from a guy that I haven't spoken with/heard from in over a year. Then he kept harassing me. I ignored his calls and messages and finally he sent me a message saying goodnight and he'd talk to me later. NO HE WON'T! I ignored him the whole time, why does he think that we'll be talking later? I just don't understand. This kid honestly doesn't get hints. I don't know what I'm going to do about it. So I was dealing with that, and the team that we were goofing off with started to get upset (or at least they seemed it and we thought they were) so our moods quickly deteriorated. We finally left work at 2 a.m. I was ready to go home. So I changed into my pj's and did some stuff on the computer. Then one of the guys from the team at work called me and we chatted for a few minutes. I think we're getting to be pretty decent friends. We'll see how that turns out. He's a nice guy. He always makes sure I get home safely on the nights that we both work together until 2:30. So he called tonight since I had left earlier than he had. Tomorrow I'm really excited because after my class Jessica and I are heading over to the beach. It's supposed to be in the 80s! I can't wait. I really wanted to go today, but couldn't. So I just hung out, listened to some Bon Jovi, and relaxed. I should have charged my ipod, though, because the battery died with about 2 hours left in our shift. So that wasn't cool. I'm charging it now for the beach tomorrow. Class should be interesting. It's going to be about the death penalty. I think I ate something bad on Monday night because I spent the majority of Tuesday feeling like I was going to throw up, then I did, and then I pretty much passed out for the night. It was not a nice feeling. But this morning I woke up feeling pretty okay. I took it kind of easy all day. I went to lunch with Rachel (!!!) and hung out with her for a while. That was fun. Then after that I came home and did some work I needed to do for one of my classes. Then Jessica and I went before work and got some food and mini speakers from walmart to hook up to my ipod so we could listen to music. So that was my day. I felt fine the whole day, so all I can figure is that I ate something that made me sick. Oh well. I think I'm gonna get some sleep now.

don't know what I did to earn a love like this

So it's been one year exactly since I was baptized. I can't believe time has gone by so quickly.

Life is definitely interesting, I'll give it that. It's pretty great, though. So I can't complain.

Update - It's been a while

So it's been quite a while since I've updated. I'd like to say that I've been so busy, but with the exception of the past two days, that's not quite true. I've just had nothing to update about until now.

Caroline and I went to Cocoa Beach on Thursday night and we spent the majority of yesterday there. It was amazing! We got in around 4:30 a.m. we found the 24 hour Ron Jon shop and went in there for a little while. Then we just walked around a bit, looking at random stuff. Then we tried to sleep in the car, but we were both so tired/excited that we just ended up giddy. The sunrise was at 6:46 and it was beautiful! The sky was clear long enough for us to get some beautiful pictures, both digital and film. After the sunrise, it got pretty cloudy. We took some pictures of the water, and found some guys surfing and got some amazing pictures. However, our first roll of film (one apiece!) was ruined because I forgot that I had to push a button on the bottom of my camera to release the film. I was quite saddened. But we each got two more rolls filled, so I was okay with that. Plus the surfing pictures and some of the sunrise were on my digital camera so that was cool too. Then we drove around, and got some starbucks at a little mall place with a surf shop. After that we were gonna change but we decided to try to sleep a8 little cuz we were pretty tired. We ended up sleeping for only about 25 minutes. After that we got some McDonald's and changed and headed over to the beach. By that time the sun was back out and it was about 85 degrees. Pretty warm! We found a great place under the pier to set up, where we just relaxed and took some pictures. We rested, but didn't sleep. We left cocoa beach around 1:30 and it took about 4 hours to get home. It was such an amazing trip and I can't wait to go again!

Today I was supposed to go home (which I was really excited about because I miss my parents and my sister) but I guess everyone is sick. So I ended up not going home, which I'm pretty sad about. I get to see my dad and my sister next weekend for sure, maybe my mom. I need to be studying for the test I have on monday that I keep forgetting about. Maybe I'll do that soon.

randomness

List things that you want to say to people, but never will.
Don't say who they are.
Never discuss it again.
No particular order.

Sometimes I wonder why I'm friends with you. You can be one of the most annoying people that I've ever met.

I think you're horrible at what you do, and if I had my way you wouldn't be doing it. You're too judgemental.

I wish you'd do one of two things, either contact me and get it over with. Or move on.

Sometimes you're really shallow, and it gets kind of aggravating.

I wish we spent more time together. And I feel really bad because even though I think you're great, I'm shallow and I said some really mean things about you a while back just to fit in.

I let what other people said about you influence my opinion of you, and now I wish I could take it back.

I was really hurt when you rejected me, even though I acted like it was no big deal.

I don't think you have a chance.

these days the stars ain't out of reach

Someone that I know always says that in the end we always go back to the beginning. To me, that is such a complex statement. It has so many meanings. The thing that I always think of, though, rings true. At least for me. It always seems that when I fall, I go back to the way that I once was. I go back to the things that I used to do, the people that I used to know. Someone once told me (or maybe it's just what I once thought) that I do this because it's who I really am and I can't change that, I can't get away from it. Even if I want to so badly. I don't know. Sometimes I wonder if it's true, if I'm destined to fall in the same way every time. I'm extremely frustrated with myself. Things were going so well. I was doing so well. But I always go back to that place, that person. I don't even want to be that person. At least most of the time. I don't know. It seems like I'm rambling and not making much sense.

I've been perusing other blogs lately. It seems as if everyone else writes their blogs for other people. As if they're writing for an audience. I think mine is mostly for myself, I write to clear my head. To put things in perspective. Perhaps that's why a lot of people don't read mine? Not that I mind, don't get me wrong. I don't plan on changing my blog. If it weren't for this, I would probably have anxiety attacks more often. Just an observation.

the world is turning in front of me and sometimes it's hard for me to let go

So in my quiet time yesterday, something dawned on me. I meant to write about it last night, but I was just so tired!

So my devotional is by Beth Moore and it's called Praying God's Word: Devotional Journal. I know that there's a book that it's supposed to go with, but meh. I didn't want to read the book, I just wanted the journal. So that's what I got.

Anyway, yesterday's devotional was called "Much to Teach" and she has this to say: Perhaps one of your strongholds is an addiction to a certain substance or behavior (hahaha God just kicked me in the face when I read that). Hear me: God can set you free. But what He requires from you is time, trust, and cooperation. The immense power of an addiction is rarely broken in a day. You see, God has as much desire to teach you as well as overwhelm you. He could show us His power by instantaneously setting us free from all desire for our stronghold. But few things beyond our salvation are "once and for all." If He delivered us instantly, we would see His greatness once, but we would soon forget. We'd risk going back. On the other hand, if God teaches us victory in Christ day by day, we live in the constant awareness of His greatness and sufficiency.

Let me tell you, that was a blow. Here I had been expecting God to just automatically take away my desire. It hadn't occurred to me that perhaps God was taking it away, just not automatically. It never occurred to me that the Teacher wanted to actually teach me. In that moment it occurred to me that this desire to go to clubs and go out to bars is an addiction. And for a long time, I thought that the only addictive part was the drinking, and I figured that as long as I didn't drink when I went out, I'd be okay. Aha! How wrong was I? That was a lie Satan was telling me. It had nothing to do with alcohol. I stopped drinking when I went out, and I didn't feel any better. The way I acted was the problem. Here's the kicker for me. I stopped telling people that I was doing it, because I knew what their reactions would be. GUILT? you bet. I didn't realize it, though. Talk about a kick in the pants.

I'm nervous though. I feel as if I can't trust myself to make the right choice. I've already proven that I give in to temptation if I'm having an especially rough time. Sometimes I can be strong and avoid temptation. Other times, especially if I'm stressed or having a hard time with something, the temptation is too much. I tell myself "this is the last time." Well the last three times have been the "last time." So where did that get me?

I think, though, that yesterday's devotion really made a difference for me. I realized that it is possible to resist the temptation, even in the hard times. I just have to work extra hard.

A good friend sent this to me. I'm just passing it on. It's the truth!

Let it go for 2007.. By T. D. Jakes

There are people who can walk away from you.

And hear me when I tell you this! When people can walk away from you:
Let them walk.

I don't want you to try to talk another person into staying with you, loving
you, calling you, caring about you, coming to see you, staying attached to
you. I mean hang up the phone.
When people can walk away from you let them walk. Your destiny is never
tied to anybody that left.

The bible said that, they came out from us that it might be made manifest
that they were not for us.
For had they been of us, no doubt they would have continued with us.
[1John 2:19] People leave you because they are not joined to you. And if
they are not joined to you, you can't make them stay.

Let them go.

And it doesn't mean that they are a bad person it just means that their part
in the story is over And you've got to know when people's part in your story
is over so that you don't keep trying to raise the dead.
You've got to know when it's dead.

You've got to know when it's over. Let me tell you something. I've got the
gift of good-bye. It's the tenth spiritual gift, I believe in good-bye.
It's not that I'm hateful, it's that I'm faithful, and I know whatever God
means for me to have He'll give it to me.
And if it takes too much sweat I don't need it.
Stop begging people to stay.

Let them go!!

If you are holding on to something that doesn't belong to you and was never
intended for your life, then you need to......

LET IT GO!!!

If you are holding on to past hurts and pains ......

LET IT GO!!!

If someone can't treat you right, love you back, and see your worth.....

LET IT GO!!!

If someone has angered you ........

LET IT GO!!!

If you are holding on to some thoughts of evil and revenge......

LET IT GO!!!

If you are involved in a wrong relationship or addiction.....

LET IT GO!!!

If you are holding on to a job that no longer meets your needs or talents
LET IT GO!!!

If you have a bad attitude.......

LET IT GO!!!

If you keep judging others to make yourself feel better......

LET IT GO!!!

If you're stuck in the past and God is trying to take you to a new level in
Him......

LET IT GO!!!

If you are struggling with the healing of a broken relationship.......

LET IT GO!!!

If you keep trying to help someone who won't even try to help
themselves.....

LET IT GO!!!

If you're feeling depressed and stressed .........

LET IT GO!!!

If there is a particular situation that you are so used to handling yourself
and God is saying "take your hands off of it,"
then you need to.....

LET IT GO!!!

Let the past be the past. Forget the former things. GOD is doing a new
thing for 2007!!!

LET IT GO!!!

Get Right or Get Left .. think about it, and then .

LET IT GO!!!

"The Battle is the Lord's!"

I'm not alright I'm broken inside and all I go through it leads me to You

So last night was definitely a PMS night. I went to sleep early and woke up late, and it was great. About my post from last night. It's true. Unfortunately it's one of those things that I have to admit about myself. Though I realized that it's not that I'm incapable of doing those things, in the case of saving money I haven't learned how to do it. So that's what I'm going to do this semester. With my classes, the reason that I'm not doing so hot is because I'm lazy. There was an entire week where I only went to class on one day. I didn't start studying for the tests until the night before. I had started out the semester well. I was reading ahead of time, and going to class. Then I got lazy. I stopped doing the readings, and I decided that I didn't feel like going to class. So that's something that I have to work on, also.

I still maintain that being an adult with all this responsibility sucks.

So I don't know if it's PMS or if it's because it's true, but right now I just really feel like I suck at life.

I can't save money for anything. I wish I could. I really want to. I'm supposed to. I just can't do it. My mom is amazing at it, and you'd think that I got that talent from her. But no. I got 1000 dollars back from school. It was supposed to be put in a bank account. I spent it. ALL of it. One week ago, there was 200 dollars left out of that thousand. Now? $16.59 It's very overwhelming. I'm supposed to be saving this money so I can buy a car. So I can get a job over the summer. So I can move into an apartment off campus.

The second reason I suck at life? I can't be motivated to do well in my classes. I think I have one class that I have above a C in right now. I know it's only the beginning of the semester, but I mean come on. I can't even start off with a decent grade. How am I supposed to end up with one?

I'm thinking (seriously) that I ought to just forego a social life, get a second job, and do nothing but eat, sleep, work, and study. Oh. and not spend money. Because otherwise, I suck at it.

So it's back.
That restless feeling.
I wish I knew how to get rid of it.
Besides the obvious (giving in.)
Except.
I really really want to give in.
I really really really want to just go.
Somewhere.
Anywhere.
but here.

Savior, He can move the mountains. my God is mighty to save. Forever, author of salvation, He rose and conquered the grave

Have you ever noticed that no matter how hard you try, you can't forget the past? It seems to me that the past refuses to be forgotten. Whether it be an event, or a person, or perhaps even a place, you can't get rid of it. Sure, you can go for a long period of time without thinking of it. Before you know it, you don't ever think about it. Then all of a sudden, there it is. Walking down the street, watching tv, sitting at your job, talking to someone else, whatever the situation. It all comes flooding back to you. Or you're just reminded of it. Perhaps it's a person you see everywhere that you wish you could forget. Or maybe it's parts of a place that show up in every corner you turn. Does this make it hard for you to move on? For me, I think that I might have been the biggest obstacle to getting over my past. I think that I just wallowed (for lack of a better word) in the pain and misery of everything that was going on in my life at a certain point. I let it take over my life. I tried to see bits and pieces in everything that was going on around me. I wouldn't let it go. Looking back now, I've figured out that I was afraid of letting go. I can't explain why, I don't know that I ever will be able to. I made myself miserable, and for what? Why is it that I wanted to be miserable for so long? Why didn't I want to be happy? I think that I used it to connect with people. I played the wounded victim. I wanted people to think "wow look at how much she's been through." Why?

I can honestly say that it's been quite a year for me. So much has changed in my life, so much has changed about myself. Though sometimes I catch myself using my past as a way to connect with people, I've now found other things. I'm happier than I've been since I can remember. I've realized that all the things I went through had to happen. It was how God got my attention. Good things are finally happening to me. More importantly, I'm letting good things happen to me. I'm accepting that I'm worth that much. I guess I never thought that I was worth it, because I had allowed myself to do the things that I've done. I suppose in a way it was a form of self-punishment? I'm so thankful that I got out of that. I can now accept my past. I can say yes, I've done those things. No, I'm not perfect. I suppose I've sort of liberated myself. I don't have all the answers. I don't even know who I am yet, but I'm getting there. I'm finding out more and more about who I am every day. I'm so excited to wake up every day and experience something new. I read somewhere that once a week you should do something unexpected, just to keep your life exciting. I think I'll try that. This week, something happened in my life. Something major, at least to me. Last weekend was particularly rough, but again it needed to happen. It was a catalyst for (perhaps the first) change in my life. I decided last week that I was sick of going to bars, and going to parties, and getting drunk. I haven't changed my opinion that a drink now and then is wrong, but I do see now that nothing good comes out of going and getting wasted in a place full of drunk, obnoxious people. I was one of those drunk, obnoxious people. I even lowered my standards. I would never have accepted that behavior from people I love. Why would I accept it from myself? So I gave it to God. He completely took away that desire. This past week I had a few opportunities to go out and get drunk, and I said no. I said no because I didn't even want to. The thought didn't appeal to me. That is so amazing to me, considering that not even 7 days before I had wanted to do it so badly that I considered putting my job in jeopardy.

What is it some random commercial says, change is good? That is so true.

I'll join with the angels in Heaven on high singing Praise the Lord I saw the light

ahhhhhhhh. David Crowder Band does an amazing version of "I Saw The Light" and it's on their A Collision or (3+4=7) album. (not a shameless plug, oh no!)

haha. I just finished the homework for one of my online classes. I should start the one that's due tomorrow at midnight (for a different class) considering that I'll be pretty busy tomorrow. I'll do it in a little while. Right now I'm not doing much of anything. I slept right through class today. Apparently I was tired from work last night.

Tonight is Challenge and I have to go in at 6:30 to do the welcome committee. I'm not really sure what I'm going to do with it yet. Caroline is going to help me, so yay for that!

"why are we obsessed with possessions here on earth? go and take a look at the flowers and the birds. God has always taken care of nature's every need. How much more important in the Father's eyes are we?"

I love that line. It's from Things Like You by Sanctus Real. How true is that. Oh, which reminds me. I need to do my quiet time. When I woke up my roommate was here, so I waited until she left. Now she's gone to take a test and then she's coming back to pack her stuff for the weekend. So I don't know how long I have.

Oh, if you're a praying person please pray for my friend Justin. I just got word that he's been sent back to Iraq, and they say only until the summer, but no one knows for sure when he'll be able to come home.

shine Your light and let the whole world see we're singing for the glory of the risen King

Today was actually very productive. I'm quite pleased with myself.

I went to class. (hooray!) Except last night at work I forgot to bring my binder and did the wrong case. So I did the right one today after class and dropped it off at my professor's office. Before I did that, I ended up at the free market on campus, hanging out with some cool people. Then I had some Burger King, and got to see Rachel, so that was cool. Caroline and I hung out with her for like an hour or something. Then I saw Val, and that was cool cuz I haven't seen her in forever. After that, I sat at the BCM tent thing for another half hour or so. Then I dropped off my assignment, then I went over to the BCM where I got more stuff done! I didn't get a chance to talk to Rahul, but I did ask Kylie to include in the mass email that goes out the prayer thing that I'm starting with my email address so people can be added to my list. Now I just have to figure out how to organize that on gmail. Yay! new organizing stuff. I love it. Then I went and checked my mail (my Beth Moore devotional still hasn't come!) and now I'm in my room before work.

Oh! The best part is that last night I found someone to take my Friday opening shift permanently so now I can do a Bible study on Friday nights! Hooray!

Even more importantly, not only have I been doing my quiet time every day, but it's been amazing! Today I found this verse that I just fell in love with. It's 1 Corinthians 1:9. (I mainly just love the first three words) It says God is faithful. Man oh man how that has proven to be so true in my life! Then it occurred to me (also during my quiet time) that God is faithful even when I'm not, and that just blew my mind. Definitely made me stop and think a while. Good stuff!

Man, my life is going so great right now! Oh man. So I had a meeting with Rahul yesterday, and we just talked about everything. I told him the problems I had been having with Challenge, and I ended up becoming part of the welcome committee, and now apparently I'm the organizer of it (which means I'm in charge of all the interns mwahaha). So I'm really excited about that, because I want people to feel welcome, not like they're lost in the shuffle. Plus I'm heading up this prayer chain thing, and I'm super excited about that.

Okay I think that's it. OH! I forgot to mention two very exciting things. The first is that I got a Coach purse (which is pretty much just like brand new, except used) for 17 dollars at a thrift store last Saturday. I'm so flipping excited!!! SEVENTEEN DOLLARS for a purse that's like normally around 200 dollars or so. Maybe even 300. I've wanted this purse for like 2 years now. Patience really does pay off!! The other exciting thing is that on Friday Caroline and I are going thrift shopping again! This time we're going to places that we missed on Saturday (because we were on a time crunch) and now that I don't have to be back for work, we can take our time! So excited!

Okay, that's really all I have to say! I'm gonna take a nap before work.

Yes You Have by Leeland

so I'm gonna do something that I haven't done in a while. In my last post is a link to Leeland's myspace page. I highly recommend you check them out. I just got their album and they are amazing. These are the lyrics to my favorite song by them. I think it's such a beautiful worship song.

Every tree and every storm
Every rushing wind that moans
They sing Your praise
My God they sing Your praise

Every star and open sky
tell of Your glory divine
They shout Your praise
They shout Your praise, yeah

You've stolen my heart, yes You have
You've stolen my heart, yes You have
You've wiped away the stains
And broke away the chains
Yes You have

With Your love you set me free
oh, three nails gave me liberty
So I'll sing Your praise
My God I'll sing Your praise

and Oh, with Your love
You forgave my sin
forgot my past
and brought me back again

So I'll sing Your praise
I'll sing Your praise, yeah

You've stolen my heart
yes You have
you've stolen my heart
yes You have

You've wiped away the stains
and broke away the chains, now
yes You have

If I ascend into the sky
Or hide behind the night
I cannot run Your love is chasing me

If I fall into the sea
Your hand will rescue me
No one will take Your place
because this is all for You
yes, this is all for You
You're the King of the world
You're the King of the world

You've stolen my heart
yes You have
You've stolen my heart
yes You have
You've wiped away the stains
and broke away the chains
yes You have
You've stolen my heart
yes You have
you've stolen my heart
yes You have
You've wiped away the stains
and broke away the chains
yes You have

I don't see my brokenness anymore, when I'm seated at the table of the Lord. I'm carried to the table, swept away by His love.

(the song in the title is Carried to the Table by Leeland. They're my new favorite band!)

Today has gone by so quickly. Granted, I slept through most of it. I didn't even mean to! I woke up at 730, so I could leave and do my quiet time before I went to class. Except, it was like 40 degrees outside, so class was out. I waited til my roommate left, and had an amazing quiet time! I'm so excited! My Beth Moore "Praying God's Word Devotional" was shipped out today, so I should get it soon! Hooray! The verse that stuck with me today was this:

Psalm 46:10 "Be still and know that I am God."

It just gave me shivers, and I just thought about it for the longest time. Coolest feeling ever!

So I was awake til around 11 or so, when I just all of a sudden got so tired that I could barely keep my eyes open. The next thing I know, it's 4 o'clock. Weirdest thing ever.

Now I'm just wasting time until I have to go to work. I'm gonna wear like 2 pairs of pants (haha just kidding). I am gonna bring a blanket, though. It's too flippin cold to not have one. At least I have the early shift, and get off at 11:30. yay!

So last night at Late Nite was awesome. I haven't gotten that feeling since I first came back to God. I can't explain what happened, but I know why it did. I'm so thankful for a God who hears and listens to my prayers. One of the things that I've been struggling with is to be a "normal" college student, and go to parties and all that nonsense. It finally came to a breaking point Saturday night. God just cleaned out my heart and that feeling is completely gone. I can't even describe how it feels. My heart actually feels lighter.

Hooray for more prayers answered! I finally have my accountability partner back! Who knew that something that seemed so "wrong" was actually what God had in store all along!

Oh man! I'm so flippin excited for the Fusion Conference!!!! I can't wait to see David Crowder Band! It's gonna be amazing.

Ooh. Maybe I'll take my knitting to work tonight and work on a scarf. Hmm. Sounds like a plan to me.

Oh and things are better with my roommate. YAY! Life is good (eternal life is better! hahaha)

I've been tagged.... it took me forever... but I did it!

THE RULES: Each player of this game starts with the 6 weird things about you. People who get tagged need to write a blog of their own 6 weird things as well as state this rule clearly. In the end, you need to choose 6 people to be tagged and list their names. Don't forget to leave a comment that says you are tagged in their comments and tell them to read your blog.

1. I eat raw potatoes. Apparently this is abnormal. Ever since I can remember, every time my mom (or grandma) was making potatoes, they used to slice off a piece of potato to get us out of the kitchen. They're so good!

2. I knit and crochet. Recently I've discovered that this is something typically associated with Grandmas. Oh well. I do it, and I love it. very relaxing/stress relieving.

3. I love Southern Gospel. HAHAHA. I make fun of my mom so much for listening to it, but I secretly love it! (don't tell my mom!) In the same thread, I also love the really old church hymns (how great thou art, come thou fount, amazing grace, etc...)

4. I am very indecisive when it comes to every day things (such as where I want to eat for lunch/dinner/whatever, or what we should do when we're bored) but I know exactly what I want to do with my life, my life's goal, and just how I'm going to do it.

5. I'll eat pretty much anything at least once, but I'm really picky about what I eat. I know it makes no sense, but it's true. I'm up for pretty much everything (I've even tried sushi like 3 times even though I hate the seaweed) but I'll sit and pick lettuce out of my salad that looks gross and I don't eat corn.

6. I talk to myself. A lot. Not just random things, either. I've been known to have entire conversations with myself.

Bah. This part about tagging 6 people, I don't know that there are 6 people that I know who read my blog. So if you read it, you're tagged. Let me know when you do it. Thanks!

if you never try you'll never know just what you're worth

I always find it funny how the lyrics that I use as post titles (which are usually just lyrics from the song that I'm listening to at the moment) always end up pretty much reflecting life at that point in time.

I don't believe in coincidences. I don't believe things happen by chance.

I do believe that God speaks to me through music. I can only hope that God is speaking to you through the words that I write.

So many options for tonight. I could go to work and get paid to do nothing. I could go to Challenge and hang out with some people. I could go to Campus Crusade and see what that's all about. Or, I could sit at home and watch Grey's Anatomy. The problem is that I spent quite a bit of money last week that I was supposed to be saving. So now I need to pick up extra shifts and literally spend as little as possible to get back that money, plus some. So I should go to work, but I don't know if I want to go to work. What to do, what to do.

Or, I could forego any type of social activity Saturday night and take the extra shift then. Or I could do both shifts. AGH! I came to the conclusion today that being an adult sucks. At least sometimes.

Okay. I made a decision. I'm going to work tonight, and then see how I feel about Saturday later on.

I think that's a responsible decision.

ugh. blogger is ridiculous.

I had a direction that I wanted this post to go in, but now I've completely forgotten what it was. I guess it must not have been that important to me.

Life is quickly becoming quite interesting from me (aside from all the family stuff going on.)

On what feels like a whim, I decided to join the leadership team for Late Nite. Now I'm beginning to wonder if that was the right decision. I've been praying about it, but it feels as if God is not answering me right now. Perhaps that is my answer? I know that God always answers, I'm just wondering if what feels like a "non-answer" is actually His way of telling me that I should not have joined leadership.

My classes are actually going pretty well. Unlike last semester, most of my classes actually have work due on a regular basis, so that is forcing me to keep up with the reading and materials. Which means that (hopefully) I won't fall behind in my reading. I'm enjoying my classes immensely, which is another thing in itself because last semester I pretty much hated most of my classes to the point that I never went.

Since I've been back, I've been pretty busy. Sunday, I did a little bit of shopping for some things that I needed. Then I went to Starbucks with Caroline, and we hung out. We've been hanging out a lot more lately, which is really exciting to me. Then there was Late Nite, and after that a bunch of people went and saw The Hitcher. It was pretty gory, and scared me half to death, but it was pretty good. Yesterday was pretty mellow compared to Sunday. I went to class in the morning, then I came home for a little while. Then I decided to head to the mall and buy the promise ring that I've been wanting for what seems like eternity. I was pretty happy about that. Then I worked last night until 11:30. Then I came home and went to sleep. Today I had the class in the mall, then I headed to the grocery store for a few things that I needed. Today was just pretty mellow, seeing as how it's the only day that I don't really have anything going on. I did some homework, and read a couple chapters for a couple of my classes. Now I'm just wasting the next twenty minutes or so, listening to some jazz music while I wait for Law and Order: SVU to come on.

I've been doing my quiet time every day! I'm really excited about that. I've noticed a difference in a lot of areas in my life since I've been doing it on a regular basis. I've been a lot less stressed, actually. I've also had a sharp decline in my desire for a relationship. I've actually rarely even thought about wanting a boyfriend. I've been so busy with other stuff that I haven't even had time to miss the intimacy of a relationship. That's pretty exciting for me considering what last semester was like. I'm beginning to realize that last semester was just bad all around for me. I've also noticed that my friendships have become a lot better since then. I think that I've been able to be more patient with things and people, and I've really learned to appreciate the friends that I do have. I'm trying to be a better friend to everyone, and at the same time keeping the ones that I really do want the most to work out. That sounded kinda lame, I think. Oh well.

Meanwhile, I've seen Pride and Prejudice and I'm extremely happy with the way they made it. It's so true to the book. I think it might become my favorite movie. I haven't decided yet, but it's definitely up there on the list. Now, I've decided to read the book. Again. For like the 13594386th time. It is most definitely my favorite book ever. I absolutely love the story, I think it's amazing. I recommend it to anyone who hasn't read it.

So yeah. That's how life is going for me. This week is going to be pretty busy class-wise. I've got an assignment due tomorrow, one due Thursday, and another due Friday. Then Friday night I'm working a 9 hour shift, and Saturday night I work at 6, and I haven't decided whether or not I'm going to work another 9 hour shift. I definitely am going to need the money, but I don't know if I'll be up for it. I'll have to see later on this week.

Hallelujah!!! My God reigns

Wow.

I don't even know where to begin.

God is moving mountains. In my life. In the lives of those around me. He is moving mountains that some would deem immobile.

Here's the back-story on the biggest mountain.

My aunt has three children, all with different fathers. Her youngest child is 11, and he has Fragile X Syndrome. Her life has been difficult. A few years ago she married a man that my grandmother (her mother) introduced her to. The first time that this man was in my parents home, he smacked my sister (who at the time was probably 13) on the butt and she violated. He has never been welcome in our home again. He has treated her three kids horribly. He tried to kick out her oldest daughter when she turned 18. We believe that he has been abusing my 11-year old cousin, but we can't be sure. During their marriage, he has cheated on her numerous times, even going as far as having a mistress in China whom he refers to as his "wife." Within the past month or so, she discovered that he has been subscribing to porn sites, and has gone on dating sites and created profiles. On these sites he describes in great detail his penis and claims he is divorced. He is looking for girls to have sex with, and girls who are willing to have threesomes. My aunt is very beautiful, and he is lucky to have her. He takes complete advantage of that. She has been trapped in his home, especially as she no longer has any family in Michigan since we have all moved. For about a year she has been talking about leaving him, but always with the excuse "next week" or "next month" or "when I get my debts paid off."

My dad received an email from her over the weekend telling him about the porn sites and the dating sites. She also discovered emails on her computer to the woman in China, and found out that he has been flying this woman over from China on a regular basis to see him. All his money goes to his mistress, and his wife sees none of it.

So Sunday morning, my dad called my aunt and convinced her to leave him. We were a bit skeptical, however, because she's been saying it for over a year now.

Last night at midnight she showed up at my parents' house. It is honestly the most amazing thing that has happened. I don't know how anything could top it.

All I can do right now is give God all the praise and glory. I honestly believe that she would not have done this on her own. The guy is insane, and had he come home while she was packing and found out that she was leaving, we don't know what would have happened. He probably would have gotten violent. I'm just so grateful and relieved that she is finally out of that situation.

I'm not trying to hide anything I wear it on my sleeve I'm not trying to be something I'm not this is all I've got

I'm not trying to reinvent the wheel. Just trying to be real.
I'm not trying to say "follow me" I'm not the one who leads.
Let me introduce myself to you. This is who I am. No more no less.
I am just a man who understands. Because of You I'm blessed. No more no less.

I'm not trying to prove anything. It's all about the change.
I hope you stay just long enough to see. The heart that's beating here inside of me.
Beyond all of the things you may think you know, I'm just a kid trying to make it home, that's it.
No more no less. Lord I wanna go home. Nothing more and nothing less. I just wanna go home. Nothing more and nothing less.

- Mercy Me "No More No Less"

Looking back, I realize that my last post was pretty dramatic. Well, not dramatic, because that's honestly how I was feeling when I typed that post out. Now that I've had time to calm down, I feel so differently. Let me elaborate:

My sister recently got in trouble for something that she should not have been doing. When I look at her situation, I see myself only a few years ago. I do not want her to go down the same path that I did. I do not want her to experience the heartache and pain. I also feel slightly responsible for what she did. She saw what I went through, and how I handled it. However, I never really took the time to talk to her about what it did for me, and the regret that I feel about it. I think that maybe if we had talked about it, she would have made better decisions. I do know that she has to make her own mistakes, and I can't blame myself for them. I also can't be mad at her for her actions. That's not my job, nor is it the right way to react. I know that I need to help her get through this, and hopefully avoid the same places that I've been.

Moving on.

I need help. Rather, I need advice. I've been doing my quiet time every day (yay me!) but I feel like somehow I'm doing it wrong, if that makes sense. Right now I feel like I'm basically reading a passage and praying. I don't feel as if there's any interaction with God. That just seems wrong to me. I am completely at a loss as to how to improve my quiet time. Right now it's probably 5-10 minutes. Don't get me wrong. It's making a difference that I'm doing it on a daily basis, and I can see it in my attitude and my actions. I just want to make it better!

Tonight is the first Challenge of the semester. I'm pretty excited, actually. I want to start going on a regular basis, again. I also want to look into the possibility of getting involved somehow (though not on leadership.) I don't know about that though. I need to keep praying about it.

Anyway. That's my current life-situation. I must say, it's not that bad. I'm actually in a pretty good place right now.

How are you?

Ugh.

It's a heartbreaking time in your life when you realize that someone you thought you knew very well is not at all even remotely the person you thought they were. It's even worse when you're supposed to be a role model to them.

You start to ask yourself where you went wrong, and how you could have done better. I mean. I don't even know how to address the situation. I can't even look at this person the same. I honestly don't know what to do, it just blows my mind. This is something that I would have never expected. I know that's vague, and I don't think I'm going to give full details on here. but honestly this just makes everything so different.

please just keep me and my family in your prayers.

I am me, but who am I?

I think making new year's resolutions is a ridiculous idea. If you're going to change something about yourself, do it when you realize that you need to change. Don't wait until the "new year" starts to make the change. It's even more ridiculous because most people don't even stick to their resolutions. I mean, seriously. There is nothing about the "new year" that's going to make you a different person, more likely to keep your resolutions this year than last year when you made them and didn't keep them.

With that said, the break at home has been so relaxing for me. I've had a lot off time to think about what's been going on this last semester, and why I've been so stressed out. I do think that there's a lot of stuff I want to change. About myself, about my life, about the things that I can control. I guess you could call this a "resolution" if you really wanted to, but I don't consider that. I think this is something that's been a long time coming.

Somewhere along the way, I stopped being myself. I don't know why, but it was almost as if I was a completely different person. I was not happy. I was pretending to be this person that I wasn't. And for what? It's not like I gained a bunch of friends. And the friendships that I did gain were based on what, being someone that I'm not? I want to be myself, I want to figure out who that is. And I want to find friends that I can be myself around. I don't want friends that I have to pretend around.

Through everything that's been going on, it's almost as if I've been devoid of most emotions. Even though I wasn't completely emotionless, it was a temporary feeling. Most importantly, I've lost my passion for pretty much anything. I don't know what my passion is anymore, and I want to find it. I want to get it back.

One thing that I haven't been doing much of is being completely honest with people. I hate that. One of the things I hate about other people is when they're dishonest. Knowing that about myself, I try to be honest with people. Obviously, that doesn't always happen. This goes beyond that, though. The biggest thing, though, is that part of my testimony isn't completely true. I can honestly say that I don't know why I felt the need to exaggerate something that wasn't nearly as bad as I made it seem. I told a lot of people that before I committed my life to Christ, I struggled with drugs and alcohol. That's not completely true. I didn't have an addiction, and it wasn't as big of a struggle as I told people. I hate the fact that I lied, and I hate that it's almost a continuing lie. Because of this people think it's wrong that as a legal adult I see nothing wrong with going out with some friends and having a drink or two. They say that I should know better. To be honest, there's only few people that I even care enough about to be honest with about this part of my life. The rest of the people aren't important to me, they aren't close to me, and they don't make an effort to include me in their lives. So as far as they are concerned, I don't need to go back and tell them any different. I will just be honest about everything from this point on. If I'm asked about it, I'll be honest. But I won't go out of my way.

The most important part of my life that I want to change is my quiet time. I know that I talk about this a lot. It probably sounds redundant, but I want to get back into it. I want to do it on a daily basis. I want to get more into the Word, and I want to grow closer to my God. I want to have that relationship that other people seem to have. I can't explain the way it is now. I wish I could. It's almost as if it's a relationship with like a grandparent, or an extended relative. It's something that I see sometimes, and it's something that I know is there. And there are even some times that I feel it with this intensity that is amazing. But on a daily basis, it's not really this thing that I feel. I want to change that.

So that's it. At least that's all that I can think of right now. I made the list in my prayer journal. I'm excited about the coming semester. I'm excited about going back to school, and getting back to the few friends that I want to spend my time with. I can't wait to find more people that I want to get to know better. Honestly, right now, there are only two people that I want to even devote my energy to. They're the only ones that I feel are genuinely my friends. They're the two people that I feel actually care about me, and aren't just friends with me to serve their own selfish purposes. I can't wait to see how this semester turns out.