Starting over again...

I'm so frustrated with myself. For so many different reasons. I thought I was doing well. I was doing well. At least for a while. I don't know what my problem is. I have everything I could ever need, and then more. I have a great family who supports me, I have great friends, I'm lucky to be going to school. I really don't know what's wrong with me. I was doing really well. Then I crashed. All of a sudden I started going out again. And not just going out, but partying. I know it's wrong. I mean, I've been there and done that. I know what it's like. I know what consequences it brings. I know that its only a temporary solution. It's like putting a band-aid on a gunshot wound. I think, though, that the worst of it is that even though I know I shouldn't be doing it, I don't feel guilty. Shouldn't I feel guilty? Shouldn't I have some sort of feeling? It didn't make me feel better about myself, but I don't feel bad about myself. I'm just very apathetic. I hate this. I hate not feeling anything. I wish I could feel bad about it, then maybe I could stop. It's hard because I want to stop, but at the same time, I don't. AAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH. That's pretty much how I feel. I want to scream, I want to cry, I want to feel bad. Then when I get all of that out, I want to feel better. But I can't. I quit my job (basically) because it was causing too much stress in my life. I was sleeping all the time and missing class. I was stressed out because I'm behind in my classes. It was hindering my walk with God. I wasn't trusting Him to take care of me financially. I don't know. I felt better when I made the decision to not stay with it. It sounds bad, and I don't care. But now, I don't know. I kinda wish I hadn't. I know that I can always go back pretty much whenever I want. But when it comes right down to it, I don't want to. I don't know what I want anymore. I wish I could just go to sleep and not wake up for days, and not have to worry about anything. I wanted so badly to go home this weekend. I was sooo looking forward to it, and it didn't happen. I don't know. I went out again last night. I only had a few drinks, nothing major. And I had a good time. The problem this time isn't that I went out. It has more to do with who I went out with. I know I need to get away from her. She is not a good influence, and she is definitely not helping me in my faith. I wish I was stronger, I wish I knew what to do. I wish I could fall on my knees and cry out to God, and feel better about all this. But I can't, and I don't know why. I can't pray. It doesn't feel right. I don't feel close to God. I feel like I'm just that person who always asks for forgiveness, but never changes her actions to prove that she's sorry. I can't do this by myself, and for some reason I'm too scared to completely trust God with it. Ho do I make this better?