I won't waste a minute without you

It feels so good to be home.

A weekend at home is exactly what I needed. I got someone to cover my shift at work tomorrow night. I brought the books for the classes that I'm behind in the reading for. Now I'm just going to spend some time with my family this weekend. It's going to be fantastic. I'm finally able to get away from everything. I could feel the anxiety and stress building up inside.

So I had a choice tonight. And I had kind of made up my mind. Then God changed my decision for me. Which I'm kind of glad for. In the end, I don't think I would have gone with the plans that I had somewhat made, I just know that wouldn't have been a good decision for my life. But it didn't have to come to that. See, I wasn't supposed to come home tonight. I was supposed to come home tomorrow morning. When I thought that I was going home tomorrow morning, I had been invited to go out with a group of people to a bar. I didn't say yes, but I didn't say no. I told them that I'd call them later and let them know. Well it never had to come to that, because I came home tonight. I'm glad it happened that way. I know that I would have regretted going out tonight to a bar. I know that I've struggled with this quite a few times. I know that every time I have the same reaction. I don't know why I continue to think that each time it will be different. I'm going to try to work on that.

For now, I'm going to finish Grey's Anatomy and start a new book.

you give love a bad name

I can't help but wonder what this means. If it means anything at all.

Last night when I got home from work I wasn't tired. So I decided to do some stuff online. At one point, I thought to myself how much I missed having Chris to talk to at 3 a.m. when I couldn't sleep. Today, at 3 o'clock, actually, he got online. I know it doesn't seem like a big deal, but it seems kinda odd to me. He's in georgia for basic training, and has to wait to get a pass so he can check his email and all that. Apparently, they lost 2 passes, so it's been about 6 weeks since I've heard from him. During the course of our conversation, he told me that he missed me, and mentioned a few times that he was sad that I hadn't written him. He also told me that I'm the only person outside of his family whom he's given his address to. I'm not quite sure why he would tell me that. I just don't know.

Then I started to wonder if this is how my life will always be. Will I always be attracted to men that are unavailable in one form or another? A few guys have been emotionally unavailable, some have had girlfriends or were interested in other girls, and now Chris is physically unavailable because he's in the army. Is that what I'm destined for? Is this how all my relationships are going to be? That scares me. I wonder if I'm going to be alone for the rest of my life.

you are beautiful my sweet sweet song

It's been quite some time, I suppose, since a real update.

Okay, so it's only been 2 days, but that's still a pretty long time for me.

I'm sitting at work again. Tonight I'm stuck here until 3. At least I brought my computer. And I watched Elizabethtown earlier. I might watch it again, just to pass the time.

Things have been going pretty well this week. My roommate is gone for the weekend, again. That's pretty exciting. I guess having to come to work tonight wasn't the worst thing in the world. At least I'm getting paid. Tomorrow is gonna be a homework day. I really need to start being responsible and catch up on all my reading. It will probably help me in class to know what the professor is talking about. Then, Caroline is coming over after work and at some poing we're heading over to our friends' apartment to hang out and eat good food. It should be a fun time.

Then Sunday night is Late Nite. I'm excited.

So last night was Challenge. It was a very weird night. At first I wasn't going to go. I was just gonna hang out at home, sleep, and maybe do some homework. Or watch Grey's Anatomy. Probably the latter. Caroline called me right after someone else did, so I was already awake and I made the split second decision to get dressed and go. This is where it gets weird. This girl that I had hung out with once a year ago had wanted me to go to a bar with her. I briefly considered it, and realized that I didn't have the desire to go. When I got to Challenge, I all of a sudden became very bitter, and antisocial. It just seemed to me that I was not in the mood to deal with people. The first couple songs, the bitterness just kinda took over and I didn't really participate. Then, I got sick of the bitter feeling in my heart and I just asked God to take it away. And wouldn't you know it, He did! It made the whole night so much better. I was able to enjoy hanging out with my friends. After Challenge we headed to Blockbuster to rent a movie, and ended up on a spontaneous Slurpee run. Come on, who doesns't enjoy slurpees? They're amazing. What had started out as a bad night, ended up being a great night!

Tonight is like super dead. It's been about forty five minutes since the last person called. Oh well. I think I'm gonna put Elizabethtown back on now. I haven't decided. Maybe I'll just keep listening to the radio while I surf the internet. Praise God for great Christian stations being available online!

I have a weakness, and it is potatoes

ever have one of those days where you wonder why you even got out of bed?

Yup. Today is one of those days. At least it started out that way.

I decided to wear my retainers last night while I slept. That caused lots of pain this morning when I woke up. It took me almost an hour to fall asleep last night, and I woke up after 6 hours of sleep. If you know me, you know that I enjoy my sleep. Waking up before at least 8 hours means I'm going to be tired all day. So I'm tired. When I woke up it was rainy and yucky, and cold in my room. I just didn't want to be out of bed. And I especially wasn't looking forward to 3 hours of class. Yeah, yeah. I know I have it easy. Whatever. It's just one of those days.

Anyway, so when I woke up I wasn't in the best mood. I took some ibuprofen for my teeth, and now they feel better. I had mashed potatoes for breakfast. The best mashed potatoes in the world. mmm potatoes.

I'm feeling a lot better now. I'm still tired, but I made it to class. I'll be in my next class too. After that, I'll be in bed. I think what's getting me through the day is knowing that I can nap after class.

Yuck. It seems like all my classes are having tests in the same week.

I WAS RIGHT!

I KNEW I WAS RIGHT!!!!!

I just wanted to start off by pointing this out. In order to tell the story, I'll start with yesterday.

Fed up with being by myself I called Caroline to see if she wanted to hang out. She did. So she came over, we hung out in my room for a while, watched part of Breakfast at Tiffany's, and played on our (matching!) computers. It was a good time. Around 6ish, we decided to go to Target (where I got this amazing Bon Jovi shirt) before Late Nite. Then we headed over to the church after spending about 45 minutes or so in Target.

Late Nite was absolutely amazing. It was exactly what I needed to hear. Though I realize that pretty much every message is "exactly what I needed to hear." Last night's message was about leaving all your baggage behind, and traveling light when you follow Christ. As part of the service, we were given an index card to write down our "baggage" that was holding us back from fully trusting in Christ. It was a very freeing feeling to write down my baggage, and then give it over to God. After that there was just an awesome feeling of worship. I now understand why it's important to fellowship.

After the worship service, we ate. Oh how amazing was that food (and free!) We had delicious chicken, with homemade mashed potatoes!!!! oh and lets not forget the green bean casserole. It was like my favorite food night! I love it. After that we were all going to hang out and watch a movie at the BCM. Of course, I took pretty much a whole to-go box full of mashed potatoes home, and Caroline had left her laptop in my room. So on the way to the BCM we swung by my room. The minute I walked in, I could smell it. Marijuana. Caroline couldn't smell it. So I went out and quietly told my RA that I could smell it. So she came in, pretending like she was just there to say hi, and told me she couldn't smell anything. AHHH! So I was like well maybe it's just me. Oh, by the way, my roommates friend just kinda invited herself over to stay the night. So she was there when this whole thing happened. She had been there since pretty much Caroline came over. Let's just say that this particular friend is not my favorite person in the whole world. Besides being absolutely whiny, she also had the nerve to make fun of me RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME! So anyway, figuring that it was just a figment of my imagination, we headed over to the BCM. One of the interns was watching a football game, and he refused to go anywhere else. Well most of us got pretty bored, so we left. When I came back, I could still smell it. I knew they had smoked in my room, I just couldn't prove it.

Fast forward to earlier today. I was sitting in class talking to my roommate via AIM, and I asked her flat out if they had smoked in my room. She told me they did!!! I knew I was right. So I told her that if she was going to smoke, that was her choice. She just couldn't do it in my room.

The point is, I was right!

Anyway. Now I'm in the library, just hanging out. I work tonight. That's not gonna be that much fun. Oh well, at least I don't have class until 2 tomorrow.

Psalms 30:5 His anger is but for a moment, His favor is for life; Weeping may endure for a night, But joy comes in the morning.

so before I start, I just want to point out that Jennifer Love Hewitt with a British accent is just bizarre. Some Lifetime movie. BAHAHAHA I've never seen a British Lifetime movie. This is hilarious.

Anyway.

Today was interesting. This whole weekend turned out to be low-key. That's just fine with me. After the past couple weeks, I definitely needed this. I was gonna do a little shopping today, but I decided against it. Instead I just lazed around.

It was a hard day, though. I really got the urge to go dancing. I wanted to pretty badly. I even went as far as to call people to find out what was going on. In the end, I just wasn't in the mood to go pretty much anywhere. So I went to sleep, instead. The problem is, the temptation was so strong. Had it not been for my laziness, I would have gone out. I probably would have had a few drinks, and tomorrow I would have regretted it. I'm absolutely ecstatic that I didn't go out, don't get me wrong. I wrestled with the temptation all day. It seems to me that if it isn't one thing, it's something else. To quote Elizabethtown: "If it wasn't this, it'd be something else." It seems that Satan is trying everything to push me back down. I'm just so exhausted of it. Can't I just have a break?

On the up side, despite the dilemma I had all day, I wasn't depressed. I feel completely different. Though I am struggling, I'm not feeling sad. I don't feel beaten. I don't feel hopeless. Even though I have the temptation, I know that I am strong enough to resist. I know that it won't bring me down.

That's an amazing feeling.

nor‧mal /ˈnɔrməl/conforming to the standard or the common type; usual; not abnormal; regular; natural.

Today was a good day.

It was normal. I felt great! I got to sleep in until about 1. That felt so good. I haven't slept better in a long time. I hung around my room for a while, then I went to walmart to get some necessities. After that, I did some laundry. It's a great feeling to have clean clothes! Then, I caught up on That 70s Show. While doing that, I pretty much finished my knitting. It was just a very relaxing day.

Unfortunately, I'm still not keeping up with my devotions. I really need to start doing them.

So I'm at work tonight, and I'm dispatching. There is no team from 1-230, so I get to leave an hour early. That's exciting. The last team of the night just came in, they go home in 15 minutes. That gives me an hour pretty much to myself. Woohoo for that. I'm excited that Morgan left for the weekend. It gives me a weekend to myself. We're watching some show called The Adventures of Brisco County Jr. I've never heard of it, it's kinda bizarre. It's like a western-scifi-comedy show. Very odd.

Anyway. I guess I'm gonna post this now.

Psalm 3:4 "I cried to the Lord with my voice, and He heard me from His holy hill."

Praise God for tonight.

I honestly can't remember the last time that I felt this way. It was as if everything that I've been going through just disappeared for a few hours.

Today was an especially hard day. It was very emotional. I didn't go to my classes. I pretty much watched tv all day, and worked on my knitting. I took a shower, and just relaxed. I was starting to feel better, and I thought maybe things were getting better. Around 6, I headed over to the BCM for the meeting with my leadership team. It turned out that only the chair was there (I, and the other girl were the vice-chairs.) So I talked to him, and he took it pretty well. While I was talking to him, I could feel my face getting hot and I knew that I was going to start to cry. I managed to hold it back. While waiting for Caroline to get there, I listened to my ipod and relaxed on the couch. At one point I got up and saw my roommate from last year. She asked me how things were going and it was at that point that I just broke down. I went to the bathroom and washed my face, and tried relaxing on the couch again. A few minutes later I decided that I was too emotional and needed to go home. I called Caroline to let her know that I probably wasn't going to go. She came over to my dorm, and while she was on her way I decided that I shouldn't be alone. So I went back to the BCM. It was pretty busy and I felt a lot overwhelmed. During the worship, I just couldn't handle it anymore. I knelt at the front of the stage and wept harder than I've been able to in forever. I can't explain the feeling. It literally felt like God had wrapped his arms around me. I think for the first time I was able to let go of a lot.

After BCM, a bunch of us (and by bunch, I mean like 25) headed over to TGI Fridays for dessert and a few people ate actual food. More importantly, I was in the company of amazing friends. I don't think many of them will ever realize how important it was for them to be there. I laughed harder than I've been able to in probably a few weeks. I can't remember the last time I had that much fun. Probably last semester. God knew exactly what I needed. I think things are going to start getting better now. I know that if I had stayed home tonight, I probably would have sunk deeper than I could have pulled myself out of.

I can see a light that is coming for the heart that holds on, but how long can my heart hold on?

Some people claim to have had "near death experiences."

I wonder if it's possible to have "near depression experiences."

Have you ever had that dream where you're floating above the world, looking at yourself and seeing everything that's going on around you? I feel like I'm watching myself spiral into a black hole. I don't know how to get out of it.

I went out last night, and I actually had a good time. At the beginning, it felt kind of forced. I had to force myself to laugh, and find something funny. Eventually I discovered that I wasn't forcing myself anymore. When I got home last night, I felt a lot better.

So then what happened today? Because right now I feel no better than I did yesterday. After my last class (I actually went), I stood around the market looking at everyone. They all seemed so happy, smiling and laughing. As I sit here now it occurs to me that I used to be like that. Hanging out with Caroline made me feel better. But for how long? When I hang out with everyone tomorrow, how long will the happiness last? Until I'm alone again? Is this a fleeting moment? Is it PMS? I seriously have no idea what's going on with me. I know it's not all attributed to my brother's leaving.


If my God is with me, whom then shall I fear?

It's washed away, all my sin and all my shame

Lue told me that writing out her testimony, or telling someone, always helped her when she was feeling down. I'm hoping partly that it will do the same for me. I'm mostly hoping, though, that it will reach someone else who perhaps is going through what I did.

I didn't grow up in a church. I had gone to church a couple times when I was young, but not regularly. My father left me when I was really young, and was not (nor still is) a part of my life. When I was 7, my mom married the man that I call my dad. I honestly believe that God sent him to us. We went to church off and on. When I was 12, I got baptized for the first time. I knew that Christ had died for my sins. I had not, however, gotten baptized for the right reasons. I did it because I figured it was "about time." I tried for a long time to build a relationship with God on my own. I was of the mindset that I didn't need anyone to help me. I didn't need a preacher to interpret the bible for me. I could do it on my own. I did it that way for a few years, up until my junior year of high school. It was about that time that I fell away. My friends were not Christians, I was not going to church. I didn't drink alcohol or do anything like that during high school. When I was 18, on the night of my senior prom, I lost my virginity to the guy who was supposed to be my best friend. We had been "dating" for less than a month. In reality, we weren't a real couple. Three days after prom, he dumped me. I was heartbroken. Before then, I had told myself that I wouldn't bave sex until marriage. When I had sex the first time, I had convinced myself that it was because I was going to spend the rest of my life with him. He, on the other hand, felt that we were better off "as friends." I was depressed for months. There was a period where I didn't even leave the house, except to go to work. I enrolled in a community college, and lived at home. I had slept with another guy, but it was only once and I convinced myself that it wouldn't happen again. In February of 2004, I began dating a guy that I worked with. Our relationship developed rather quickly, and after a month I had fallen in love with him. I slept with him, too. I gave everything I had to him. I lost myself in our relationship, he became my everything. I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with him. Our tumultuous relationship lasted about two years. After nine months of actually being in a relationship, I broke up with him. We remained "best friends" but we knew we could never be "just friends." After him, I spiralled out of control. I began sleeping with men, looking for the unconditional love. Unable to find it, I didn't stop. After that, I dated another guy. It was then that I started drinking heavily, and experimenting with drugs. I hid it from everyone, including the guy who was supposed to be my best friend. In April of 2005, that relationship ended, and so did the experimenting with drugs. However, I didn't stop sleeping with guys to find love. It didn't seem to be enough. I decided that I couldn't live in that town anymore. I applied to college in April. I got accepted in May. It wasn't my first choice school. It wasn't until August that I found out that I'd gotten into a dorm on campus. Looking back now, I see that God had been working miracles in my life, and I hadn't even realized it. The girl who was my roommate wasn't even supposed to be living on campus that year, for some reason that's where she ended up. I know that it wasn't coincidence. When I first talked to her, she told me that church was a big part of her life. She invited me to all the stuff she was going to. I was more interested in drinking and partying. The life of sin that I had been living for the past year continued. Finally one night, out of boredom, I decided to check out this "BCM" that she had been talking about. It was okay, but I didn't think it was my "thing." Throughout all this, I was still with the guy that I had worked with. One Sunday night I decided to go to Late Nite with my roommate. All the work God had been doing in my life came together that night. The pastor said in his message that you would never hear God speaking to you unless you truly wanted to. It was right then that I felt God. I broke down in tears. Everything that I had been searching for, that unconditional love, was there all along. Finally, in January of this year, the relationship in my life that I had the hardest time with, the relationship with Jonathan, came to an end. I remember the desperation with which I had begged God to help me. I remember all the tears, and I remember the relief and the peace I felt afterwards. On March 5, 2006 I was baptized again. This time, for all the right reasons. I finally committed my life to Christ. My life since then hasn't been perfect. I still have my fair share of problems. The difference this time, is that I know that I can trust God to get me through whatever happens.

I found some time to think about you on the long ride home

“You have four years to be irresponsible here. Relax. Work is for people with jobs. You'll never remember class time, but you'll remember time you wasted hanging out with your friends. So, stay out late. Go out on a Tuesday with your friends when you have a paper due Wednesday. Spend money you don't have. Drink 'til sunrise. The work never ends, but college does..."” Tom Petty

so it's wednesday. I should have been in class, but I didn't go.

To tell you the truth, I've been feeling very antisocial today. I was just not in the mood to deal with a lecture, let alone two. I know it's bad to start this so early in the semester, so I'm going to blame PMS. That's probably what it is anyway. It probably also explains why I slept in late. So now I'm eating raviolis (chef boyardee), drinking water, and waiting for my 2:30 appointment with Rahul. I'm going to tell him that I can't do leadership

*UPDATE*

So I was halfway through the upper section when I realized I had to leave for my meeting with Rahul. It went well. He was a lot better about it than I expected. He said he was glad I had the courage to talk to him about it. It actually took a lot from me. I hate having to admit that I can't do something. Especially when it's something that I signed up for. It's something that I have to work on. I also talked to him about my struggling. Which is another thing I hate admitting. I'm glad I did though, because he helped me out a lot. I think what helped me the most, though, is that there was no judgement. That's something that I struggle with constantly. I hate it when people think badly of me. I will do pretty much whatever it takes to make sure everyone likes me. It's something that I have to work on, also. This meeting was really good for me. I also got to talk to him about my brother, which I think also helped him realize where I was coming from about the leadership position. Then I talked to him about my roommate. Talking about it helped me put everything in perspective. It feels like satan is attacking me where it hurts the most, my family and the space I live in. Something that I didn't get to talk to Rahul about was the temptation to start going out to clubs again. I really really want to. Badly. I also have the strong desire to go out and drink, and just be a stereotypical college student. I think one of the reasons is because I've stopped doing my daily devotionals. So I'm gonna do that right now while my roommate is at a job interview.

Please pray for me.

breathe Your life into me

So I've made a decision about leadership.

I think I'm going to bow out.

I'm telling mostly everyone (except the one person that it counts for) that it's because of classes. The truth is that I just don't think I'm right for the position. I don't think it's the right thing for me to be doing. I think I need to be stronger in my faith. Well, I know I need to be stronger in my faith. It's hard to explain, but I just don't feel like I should be in a leadership position when I'm still having a lot of issues. I guess that's the best way I can explain it. I have to talk to Rahul about it.

Blah blah blah. That's pretty much how I feel. I don't really want to go home cuz I know it's just gonna put me in a bad mood. I have to deal with my roommate and I'm not in the mood for that. Ahh. It feels good to just hang out with friends. The BCM is so quiet right now. It's great.

I'm ready to get back to my classes, especially with my new computer :)

I guess that's it for now. I quit.

life's a rollercoaster ride the ups and downs will make you scream sometimes. it's hard believing that the thrill is gone,

yay for a new computer!!!!

I'm so excited about it. Like, a lot.

I go back to school tomorrow. It's bittersweet. Even more so than leaving when the summer ended. It sucks because this was the last weekend I got to spend with my brother. It's weird because I can't be sad about it. I don't know why. I'm angry that he's leaving. I think it's for all the wrong reasons. He's acting like it's not that big of a deal. He acts like it's not going to be a huge change. I don't think he realizes the impact of his decision on the rest of the family. Just grr.

This leadership thing isn't working out the way I wanted. I'm trying to figure out if maybe I just had expectations that were too high, or if it's something else. I keep praying about it, but I'm getting nothin. I don't know, I'll just keep trying I guess.