Monday, December 17, 2007

I spoke the words, but never gave a thought to what they all could mean.

It's not often that a single line in a song affects me as much as this one.

It's a strange feeling.

I never thought about how much I do that. Speak, without giving thought to the meaning of the words. Most often, it's something as simple as an "I'm sorry" or a seemingly insignificant little white lie. Sometimes I don't think about the effect that my words (could) have on someone.

But, perhaps most hauntingly, I'm realizing that this describes my faith, my prayers, and sometimes my beliefs. How often I'll sing along with a song, not giving real thought to the lyrics I'm singing. Or say a brief prayer, without giving thought to what it really is that I'm saying. Sometimes prayers for other people are really prayers for myself, selfish prayers. Lately, during my quiet time, I've been praying that God would reveal Himself to me, but the words feel empty. There is no feeling behind them. I don't think I really want God to reveal Himself to me, because in that revelation, I will have to take a closer look at myself and see that I'm really not living the way that I say that I want to. That makes me a liar, and a hypocrite.

Who wants to actually believe that about themselves? I'd much rather live in my little bubble of (un)blissful ignorance. Perhaps a self-imposed ignorance?

3 comments:

heiresschild said...

hi Amber, i can relate to this post. i used to hide from really knowing myself and what's in me. it's taken me years to get the point where i can deal with what God shows me. i think that's because i can feel His love behind revealing myself to me, even to the things that need to be changed. i know He's not doing it to be mean, so i have a whole different attitude about it now. it's not easy looking at my ugly ways, but God sees beyond all of that.

years ago, God dealt with me about words to songs, and i'm very conscious of them, even songs we sing in church.

i hope you're enjoying your days up to Christimas. hopefully, classes are finished for you until after new year's. i've been MIA somewhat dealing with some family issues. i've just been posting enough to keep my blog going til i can do a post.

kris said...

hey! don't be too hard on yourself, the Lord knows your heart. and if you're praying for Him to show you himself, He will.

i have the same issue w/ music. i luv it around me all the time, but i have to be careful of the lyrics.

hope you have a merry christmas if i don't "see" you b4 then!

Ronnie said...

hey amber! i am caught up on reading my blogs. Trust me, I know how you feel. Especially lately. Do I want to sing, pray, etc.. if I am unsure the words aren't more than just going through the motions? I guess the main thing we need to ask is where do we go with that revelation alone? Do we allow it to draw us closer, or do we allow it to push us farther away? God gave you that revelation (and me too recently)- where are you going to go with it? Doesn't mean it will change overnight...though that would be nice...but you have to decide. Where do you want to go from here.......
Merry Christmas my friend.