Sunday, October 08, 2006
Yea, I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil; for You are with me; Your rod and staff, they comfort me. Psalm 23:4
These past 3 days have been very insightful. I have learned a lot about myself, and I learned a lot about God. From Thursday on, I have spent pretty much all of my time by myself, with the exception of work (which is where I'm at now.) I've been struggling with apathy for quite some time now. I have four mid-terms coming up this week, and I'm not worried about them. Not because I'm prepared, quite contrary, actually. I'm very unprepared. I should be spending all my time frantically trying to catch up. I just can't bring myself to care. Don't misunderstand, I'm studying and I want to pass. I'm just not stressed out like I should be. I would love to say it's because I'm confident that I'll do fine, but that's not the reason. I just don't care. And that scares the crap outta me. I realized something today, though. My apathy is a sign of a more significant problem. The truth is, I'm not dedicating myself to my classes like I should be. It's not anyone's fault but my own. I'm letting laziness (read:sin) take over my life. I'm letting it control my actions. Again. This time, I caught on before it became a major problem. Except now I'm at a weird place. I feel as if I'm just going through the motions of my faith. I don't have a daily quiet time. With the exception of Late Nite, I don't go to church. The past few weeks, and this coming week, I haven't been to BCM. I'm letting the enemy come between me and my God. So when I pray, I feel disconnected. I realize now that it's not enough to just sit idly and let things happen. I won't grow in my faith that way. I have to do more than make an effort. I have to make things happen. I need to be a better accountability partner. I've been failing my partner. I've let earthly desires take the place of the things I should desire. I don't know how much longer I'm going to struggle, but I know that no matter what I struggle with God is not going to abandon me.
1 comment:
Hey Amber,
Just read your last couple of posts. First off, your workplace meme was good! It does sound like you have an interesting job.
As for the last post. I feel for you. I know how hard it is to prioritize and make sure we do everything we should do. I think satan likes to remind us of all the times we are failing and then that gets us down even more. You are right, God will never let go of you, but he does become silent after awhile. (I know this from experience.)
I believe many people deal with apathy and I don't have a big philosophical statement to make about that, but just to recognize that it is true for many people.
I urge you to do something about it (apathy). Just think of all the time wasted not having a zeal for your studies and then one day you are out of college and you will wish you had given it your all. Trust me on this one. I can tell you that the year I was in business school was one of the best years of my life, because I did the best I could. I gave those studies my all. I came home from school, did my housework, and then studied for hours into the night. It was a passion for me, but I wanted good grades and I got them. I had a 3.8 grade point average! Not bad for a little Amish girl who only had an 8th grade education! The point is, I have no regrets! This is what I hope for you, you will have no regrets once you are out of college and in your dream job and you know in your heart that you did your best and you got the best job possible for your effort.
I will pray for you about this and about your relationship with God. I know it is so hard. I know you know what you have to do, so I will just try to encourage you to do what you know you should do. Let me know how it is going. Ok?
I am glad you commented me back on my last post. I didn't want to sound like I was irritated or anything. Sometimes I just don't clarify myself enough when I post something and I was in a hurry on Saturday morning when I posted that. So, I got sloppy and didn't explain my whole stance on the situation.
Talk to you soon,
Ellie
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