you never let go through the calm and through the storm

agh! growing pains!


Sometimes when you see things for what they are, it sucks. I think that's where I'm at. I'm not gonna get into it, because God knows what I'm going through. For a while I've been sitting back and just observing what's been going on around me, and I've started to see the way things really are. There's some stuff in my life that I'm not happy with, and there are parts of my life that I'm not happy with. God's really convicting me that some things need to change, and the first thing I have to change is myself. It's just hard because I feel like I'm all alone in this. I feel like I can't really talk to anyone about it. I feel like no one understands what's going on. It's just annoying, but I know that this is teaching me to rely on God.

there's a place in my heart that I hold You near theres a place in my heart I hold most dear there's a place in my heart that wants You so

Yuck. my sinuses are all messed up. My ears are plugged, my throat is scratchy and my nose is dry, yet stuffy. It's not fun. I don't necessarily feel sick, but I don't feel fine either. The worst part is that there really isn't anything I can do about it. Just drink lots of hot tea and take sudafed. I really wish I had hot apple cider right now. It sounds soooo good.

I hope I'm better by this weekend. That would be bad if I wasn't. My family is planning on going to Universal Studios. I miss them, and would love to be able to spend the time with them. I'm trying to find someone to take my shift on Friday night, and I'm gonna see if maybe I can pick up a shift tomorrow night to make up for it. We'll see what happens.

These past few days have been absolutely amazing for me. I've been reading When God Writes Your Love Story, and I'm gaining a whole new perspective on this relationship thing that I've been struggling with. I decided that God's way is better than my way, and I gave it over to Him. I'm not going to date anyone until he reveals to me the man that I'm supposed to marry. I'm going to keep myself pure until I get married. For me, the hardest part of this is the "thing" I have with Chris. I don't know how to describe it. It's like a flirty friendship, with the potential to go further (at least on his part) once we get to know each other better. Now that I've made some changes, though, I realize that by continuing to act the same towards Chris, I'm not keeping myself pure. I've already given a little piece of myself to so many people, and now I've given a small part of myself to Chris. These are parts of me that God intended for my husband. I've been selfish and haven't considered him. I know how I would feel if I saw the person that I'm supposed to marry giving little parts of himself that are supposed to be mine to other girls. That is a bizarre feeling. All of a sudden, someone else is more important than I am, and I haven't even met them yet!

My quiet time has improved dramatically, though its still a little too short for my tastes. I'm not sure how to make it last longer. However, I feel closer to God than I've felt probably since I came back to Him. I have the strongest desire to draw closer to Him, and its no longer a burden to spend time in the word. I absolutely love it.

I didn't go to any of my classes today. My head did not feel up to sitting upright in a lecture class for 3 hours. So I emailed my professors letting them know what was going on. Luckily my professors are pretty cool and understand. So I don't have to worry about that. The only thing is that I'll have to attend a class tomorrow, because the professor doesn't accept just any excuse. You have to have documented proof (such as a prescription,, or a receipt from student health services) to prove that you are sick (or whatever your excuse was.) It's kinda lame, but it's his class and I have to respect his reasons.

Anyway, I'm debating about work tonight. I go in at 9, and it's supposed to be cold again. If I do go in, I may not have a partner, or I may have to train someone. We'll see what I have to do. I may go in and find out that I have no partner, and I might be able to leave early. Or I could hang out til 230 and get paid to do nothing. I might call my boss today to see what's up. Okay. So I called my boss, and I'm training someone. It's kinda yucky, cuz it means I have to drive and can't bring a blanket, but at least I'll have a partner and will still get paid instead of being sent home. I guess I'll just bring lots of hot tea and medicine.

Thankful for

• My mom, for always knowing what to do when I don't
• The time to spend with my family this weekend
• Professors who understand
• Time to sleep when I don't feel the greatest
• Accountability time with my best friend!
  

light will guide you home

Today I had the best quiet time I think I've had thus far.

The weather is gorgeous today, cool and breezy. So I decided to do my quiet time outside under the trees. I've also incorporated When God Writes Your Love Story into my quiet time. I just drew so close to God today and it felt so good.

Things are looking up

For His anger is but for a moment, His favor is for life. Weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning. Psalm 30:5

So I'm trying this new thing. Actually, I'm trying a couple new things. First and foremost I finally let go of the last little bit that I was holding on to. I'll say no more than that. Second thing is I'm trying to not gossip. I know it doesn't seem that hard, but sometimes it gets to the point where I don't even realize I'm doing it. I know this is something God is trying to teach me, and boy oh boy is He ever trying to teach me. I'm gonna do this. The biggest thing that I'm trying is trusting God with everything. I mean everything. The biggest thing I'm trusting Him with is my love life. I've started reading When God Writes Your Love Story. And I realized that I have horrible judgement when left to choose for myself. So I've decided that I'm not going to date anyone. Or pursue any relationships. When the time is right, it will happen and I won't be able to do anything to stop it.

I spent a couple hours with Jessica today. She picked me up when she got out of church, and we walked again, this time at her apartment complex. I'm so glad this is something that we're doing together. I really can't motivate myself to do it alone. After, we just sat and talked for a while. I think we both really figured some stuff out. I just got out of the shower, and finished blowdrying my hair. Now I need to figure out what I'm wearing to Late Nite. Caroline and I are gonna hang out before. I really feel bad for not letting her in on the goings-on of the past couple of weeks. Anyway, it's 4:30 so I'm gonna start getting ready. I should probably eat, too.

I wanna live like today could be my last day to give all I have before it's too late

last night was something that I've needed for so long.

I went to Jessica's apartment. It was very low-key, there were just a few people there. We had really good 7-layer dip. Sooo delicious. I even ate the corn! After we ate, we watched a couple episodes from the first season of Grey's Anatomy. What a good show! After that we went in the hot tub, and just relaxed. Then we went back inside and watched some more Grey's Anatomy. After that, the other three left and it was just Jessica and I. We sat up until almost 4 in the morning and just talked. I can't remember the last time I did that. I ended up staying the night (for obvious reasons) and it was just a fun time, and definitely something that I needed after these past two weeks of struggling with friendships. Granted, I did a lot more listening than talking, but I'm okay with that. God is really working in my life, and I can feel my faith growing. It's amazing. They say hindsight is 20/20. I think that's true. Looking back over the past few weeks, I realize that what I went through was God working on me, and I needed for it to happen.

So it's 2:30 now. I think I might go do a little grocery shopping. I'm gonna jump in the shower though first.

Thankful for:

• spontaneous sleepovers
• girl talk
• hot tubs with friends
• Grey's Anatomy
  

if you don't have faith you have nothing at all if you don't have deeds your faith will fall

It's funny how a split second can change your entire outlook. God really knows how to get my attention. I don't even know where to begin. I was supposed to go to work tonight. Challenge was at 8. I decided to take a shower around 7:30. At 7:55 I decided to go to Challenge instead. So I walked to BCM. I gave up the closing base shift to go. It was the best decision I think I've ever made. I was really convicted tonight, in so many ways. The pastor from Late Nite spoke, and the message was on being a servant. I think the thing that hit home most was that in order to be selfless, you have to get over yourself. I realized that these past couple of weeks I've been very selfish. I've been focused on myself, I've been pitying myself. I've been upset because people aren't fulfilling my needs. It was through a conversation with someone (which I'll explain in a bit) that I realized that I can't rely on others to fulfill my needs. If I give of myself the way that God has called me to, He will fulfill all my needs. I'm relying too much on myself and others, and not enough on God.

Which brings me to Jessica. I won't get into details of the past, but suffice to say we aren't exactly friends. Up until tonight we acknowledged each other's presence, and that was about it. For very immature reasons, I didn't like her, and she didn't like me. Tonight we had a long talk, we actually talked until everyone cleared out. It was really good for us, I think. I think we might become good friends. I realized that I am not alone in what's been going on for the past two weeks.

All in all it was a very good night. Afterwards I went with Caroline to the top of the parking garage and we watched all our crazy friends skateboard. Good times.

I'm gonna steal something from my friend Ellie and start writing what I'm thankful for.

I'm thankful for:

• an outlet for my pent up thoughts and emotions, so I don't take them out in a more destructive way.
• My God for never giving up on me
• new friends
• old friends
• music, for calming me when I'm upset (not this time though!)
• my family, for being so supportive when I need it the most
• Pastor Buff, for always cutting straight to the heart when I need to hear it
• Ellie, for being so supportive and praying for me even though she's far away and has her own family to worry about
  

can I lose my need to impress? if you want the truth, I need to confess.... I'm not alright, I'm broken inside

So I've discovered what's been bothering me. Well, actually, I've known for a while, but I think I just pinpointed exactly what's wrong. I feel as if I don't fit in my group of friends. It's hard to explain. I feel like I'm just kind of there, like I'm an observer and not so much a participant. I've spent more time with my coworkers than I have with my friends. When I asked for help, the only person to respond was a co-worker. It's as if none of my "friends" are even paying attention. I don't know, maybe I'm just letting things get to me. Maybe I'm just being dramatic, but I don't think so. This is really bothering me.

weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning.

It has occurred to me that I'm really bad at this whole accountability thing. I mean, I can't even keep myself accountable. How am I supposed to help someone else? I'm really bad when it comes to sticking through stuff, I guess is how you could put it. I start something, but I have trouble staying with it. For example, last week I started going back to the gym. At least, I had made the decision. I had even gone on Monday, but I didn't go back. My reason? Exams. Except, that wasn't why. I could have gone on Friday, or on Saturday, or even Sunday, but I didn't. Did I go today? No. Was I too busy? No. Another example is my daily quiet time. I did it this morning, but before this morning, I can't remember the last time I did it. I know that's why I'm faltering in my faith. I can't even pray because I don't feel close to God. But I don't have anyone to blame except myself.

The biggest thing I think I've been struggling with lately is my friendships. I feel like a lot of my friends are "surface" friends. Sure, they know what I look like, and we've hung out, but they don't feel it necessary to "scratch the surface." They don't know what I'm like beyond that. They don't take the time to really get to know me. I haven't spoken with or seen any of my friends in the past two weeks, and no one's taken the time out to call me, or send me an email, or a myspace or facebook message, or anything like that just to say hi. I know that if it were certain other people, then within a few days it would have happened. Except not with me. And I don't know why. Is that the way they perceive me, as a surface friend? I feel like I try to get to know people, but do I really? I don't know. Supposedly college is where you find the people that will be your friends the rest of your life. Why do I feel like I'm missing out?

You are my strength when I am weak.

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

that is a sigh of relief. I'm so glad this week is over. It was just one of those weeks where everything piled up. The stress of studying for exams, lack of sleep, and personal issues were just weighing me down. I'm so thankful this week is over. I'm looking forward to babysitting tomorrow. I think I'll go to the gym, too. I also plan on going to the gym on saturday. I really want to do this for myself. I think at first I wanted to do this for the wrong reasons. I go through periods of horrible self-esteem when it comes to the way my body looks. And then I look around me and see all my beautiful friends, and I just wish that I weighed a lot less. So that was kind of my motivation to start going back. I realize that everyone struggles with self-esteem for one reason or another, and this is my thing. I think, though, that I don't care so much anymore about how other people see me. It's more about how I feel about myself. It's also taking a toll on my health. I'm tired a lot, and very inactive. I don't want to be like that anymore.

This week was kind of an eye-opener for me. Not just academically, but personally, too. This is the first time in a long time that I don't have a relationship defining my life. I don't have someone to fall back on when I get like I was this week. I don't have someone to keep going back to. In my last post, I mentioned about someone being in my thoughts, and for the first time since I can remember, it wasn't in the way that he usually is. It's hard to explain, but it was actually a pretty liberating feeling. I won't go into much detail, but suffice to say at a time when I normally would have broken down and called him, I was in a place where I didn't need to. I knew that I was strong enough to handle this on my own.

God has been amazing to me this week.

i think ill get out of here where I can run just as fast as I can to the middle of nowhere to the middle of my frustrated fears

halfway through the week from hell.

As should be expected, I feel better about my classes.

But there's one person who all of a sudden won't leave my thoughts.

This is not conducive to studying.

Of course, the music isn't making things better.

I feel an anxiety attack coming on.

Yea, I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil; for You are with me; Your rod and staff, they comfort me. Psalm 23:4

These past 3 days have been very insightful. I have learned a lot about myself, and I learned a lot about God. From Thursday on, I have spent pretty much all of my time by myself, with the exception of work (which is where I'm at now.) I've been struggling with apathy for quite some time now. I have four mid-terms coming up this week, and I'm not worried about them. Not because I'm prepared, quite contrary, actually. I'm very unprepared. I should be spending all my time frantically trying to catch up. I just can't bring myself to care. Don't misunderstand, I'm studying and I want to pass. I'm just not stressed out like I should be. I would love to say it's because I'm confident that I'll do fine, but that's not the reason. I just don't care. And that scares the crap outta me. I realized something today, though. My apathy is a sign of a more significant problem. The truth is, I'm not dedicating myself to my classes like I should be. It's not anyone's fault but my own. I'm letting laziness (read:sin) take over my life. I'm letting it control my actions. Again. This time, I caught on before it became a major problem. Except now I'm at a weird place. I feel as if I'm just going through the motions of my faith. I don't have a daily quiet time. With the exception of Late Nite, I don't go to church. The past few weeks, and this coming week, I haven't been to BCM. I'm letting the enemy come between me and my God. So when I pray, I feel disconnected. I realize now that it's not enough to just sit idly and let things happen. I won't grow in my faith that way. I have to do more than make an effort. I have to make things happen. I need to be a better accountability partner. I've been failing my partner. I've let earthly desires take the place of the things I should desire. I don't know how much longer I'm going to struggle, but I know that no matter what I struggle with God is not going to abandon me.

it's funny how a lack of sleep at 4 am will make you think

well I thought I was over you
but I guess maybe I'm not

cuz when I let you go
looks like lonely is all that I've got

guess I'll never know what could have been

I've been tagged!

I've been tagged by Ellie to do a meme on work.

1. What is the best thing about your workplace? It's very laid back, and the job is easy. Once you get the hang of it, things go smoothly. It fits my schedule, and I love that even though we have to be professional, there are times when we can just goof around.

2. What do you hate about your workplace? There are quite a few people who take advantage of how laid back some of the people are. There are also people that don't do their jobs, and can ruin the mood of the dispatcher for the rest of us.

3. What small irritance at your workplace really annoys you? There's this one dispatcher who doesn't really do her job well. Along with dispatching, she does her homework, and spends most of her shift on the phone, usually arguing with someone. It takes her forever to answer the radio when we call in, yet she's quick to get upset if we don't respond right away when she calls us. When we patrol lots, she doesn't record it in the log, so it looks like we're not doing our jobs.

4. Describe the actions/quirks of the weirdest person you work with (can be a co-worker, employer, or a vendor if you are self-employed) .
This one's kind of hard. There are a few people that are quirky. Though I guess a lot of them left, so I'll go with my boss. He is definitely a character! Even though he's a little strict sometimes, he's very laid back! When he's dispatching, he likes to use different accents and do funny voices. He also gives people random nicknames. He has these green slipper type loafers that look like something Hugh Hefner would wear, and when he comes into the office the first thing he does is take them off! he's always barefoot! He is by far the funniest guy at my job.

5. What is one thing that you would change at your workplace to make life a helluva lot better? I hate to say it, but I would get rid of all the people that don't do their jobs. Which, at this point is only 2 or 3. I would also hire a lot more people so we weren't so shortstaffed.

Man, I'm supposed to tag 5 people, but I don't know that many in blogland :( So I'm gonna tag Caroline.