When I'm so fake, does Your heart ache?

This song speaks volumes.
(click for lyrics)


A conversation with a friend has gotten me thinking. It was actually the first time in a while that I've had a semi-in depth conversation concerning my quiet time with anyone. She quoted Isaiah 30:21 which states "Your ears shall hear a word behind you saying, "this is the way, walk in it." Whenever you turn to the right hand or whenever you turn to the left." I realized that I've never heard such a voice. What's worse is that I'm not sure I would recognize if it I were to hear it. I don't know how to hear it. I feel like I'm that child that just doesn't get it and God is the parent that gets so frustrated. He must be up there going "are you serious? I've told you a million times." I just don't get it. This makes me worry that I'm not going the right way, and I wouldn't even know what the right way is. Then we talked about how this past weekend made me realize that I only come to God when it's convenient for me, when I feel empty or when I'm in trouble. And I've been working on that this past week. That got us talking about my quiet time. I feel like I'm doing it wrong. Is that even possible? I have this expectation of what's "supposed" to happen, and when it doesn't I get discouraged. I don't know where this expectation came from. I think that maybe I just built it up based on what other people say theirs is like. I know that it's different for everyone because everyone's relationship is different, but when nothing happens I get lost because I have no idea what to do. I think I may have made it more difficult on myself, reading all kinds of different devotionals and what they claim the "best formula" is. It's weird because I feel like my quiet time shouldn't follow a formula, but then without it I'm at a loss as to what to do. I feel like this is the reason that I'm not getting anything out of it. I have such a desire to get something out of it, to build this awesome relationship, I just have no idea how to achieve it. And I feel like it's even harder because I don't have anyone that I talk to about it. I have no idea where to go from here. My expectations, I feel, are blocking me from what should be an awesome experience. I don't know how to get past them.

I'm dreaming of a white Christmas

If it's true that God is faithful to the faithful then I'm excited about the days to come. This week I have been doing my quiet time every day. (the true test will come over the weekend when I seem to have the hardest time with it) I'm really feeling a difference. I feel more relaxed. I'm actually doing better in my classes! Even though my attention span this week has been shorter than normal. Yesterday I got a 95 on a test in my Sex Offenders class.

I've decided that at this point there's no reason for me to get a job. I'm leaving in like 2 months. I applied for temporary positions, but so far nothing has worked out. I'm thinking that it's going to be better for me to focus on my classes and on getting good grades. The only thing that's going to suck is not having any money come Christmas time. I'm trying to figure out a way to make that not happen.

Anyway. Today has turned out not bad. My grandparents left about an hour or so ago. So I got my bedroom back, which is great. I got to enjoy some alone time for a while, but then my dad came home early. I have no idea what the plan is for this weekend. Hopefully we'll get to do some stuff with my car.

Anyway. That's all I got for now I guess.

I need a strong drink and a coma.

It's amazing what you can accomplish with sheer adrenaline. Today I woke up, tired like I've never been with the worst cramps in the world. I couldn't move they were so bad. Luckily I keep Midol on my headboard for emergencies such as this. Not five minutes after I woke up I got a phone call from my mother. She was calling to tell me that my grandparents were coming for a visit and were less than an hour away. Oh, and that the house needed to be cleaned ASAP. I wanted to cry. It was just my sister and I and I couldn't ask her to do everything by herself. So here I am in pain and cranky. I had to force myself out of bed. Well the house got cleaned (in record time, I might add) but still no sign of the grandparents. Turns out they're now 40 minutes away. They've decided to take their time and stop at a few little places here and there. They're going to be a while. Meanwhile, it's been a few hours since the house needed to be cleaned. I could have slept through the cramps and still had time to clean! How frustrating. Then, on top of that, my bedroom was volunteered for them to stay in. So now I've been kicked out of my comfortable place! Of all the days!

I am pretty proud though. I managed to take a little time before cleaning to do my quiet time. Perhaps that's what got me through!

Nicotine is just about as toxic as cyanide.

So today has actually turned out not to be that bad.

Well, after I got sick from the stress that I had put myself under. Before that, I was a mess! Alls well that ends well, I hear. I finished studying for my test and got a B. Which means that right now I have a B average in the class. I'm pretty happy with that, though I'd like to turn it into an A if possible. Today is also the second day that I've successfully done my quiet time. I think that's making a huge difference. I actually felt 100% less stressed afterwards.

I also managed to get in a couple yoga poses between studying and my test. I think that helped my muscles to not be so tense.

Part of the reason that I was stressed was because I thought I was behind in my classes, but it turns out I'm not. I'm actually right on schedule. I'd like to be a little bit ahead, but I worry that if I do that then I'll think that I'm more ahead than I actually am and then cause myself to fall behind. I can be lazy like that.

Anyway. We're having tacos for dinner and I'm pretty excited about that.

People piss me off

I'm really pissed off about this weekend, and I need to vent. I'm angry at my friend for treating me the way that she did. If I had known that this weekend was going to be more for her to meet this guy she met online than to spend time with me (we haven't seen each other in MONTHS) than I wouldn't have gone. She was gone the night that some guy tried to climb in my hotel window. She had left to hook up with the guy she met. Mind you, he lives in Japan and was on leave and flew down here to meet her. That fact was told to me while we were already on our way. I didn't know the entire weekend would go around him. Again Saturday night, she invited him along to the amusement park, which might not have been so bad had I not felt like a third wheel the whole time. Not to mention the part where they both made fun of Christians. Him I just attribute that to being a jerk, but she should have known better. After that she left me again to go hook up with him. I didn't see her until it was time to check out of the hotel. Then, she acts as if somehow she's all affected by the fact that some guy tried to climb in our hotel window. SHE WASN'T EVEN THERE!!! The whole weekend, all we talked about was her and this guy. How she wasn't sure that it was going to go anywhere, but she had sex with him anyway. Then all of a sudden it turned into "maybe he could be the one." By the time I got home I was so sick of her voice that I was relieved that she had let me have some time to myself when she left to sleep with him. Then! She had the nerve to turn my plan into moving after graduation into her plan also. And guess who she's going to be living with? According to her, me. Well I don't think so. I think that the whole reason she invited me this weekend was to use me as an excuse to her family as to why she was going away for the weekend. Because after the incident Friday night, she called her grandmother and made a whole deal out of crying and saying she was scared and that we were switching hotels. Then on Sunday she tries telling me that she didn't sleep with him. She just "fell asleep" in his hotel room. Yeah right. She said that sleeping with him would be a bad idea seeing as how they just met, and that she wouldn't have left me to sleep with him because she was a better friend than that. That's what pisses me off the most! Because she did leave me to sleep with him, she later admitted it! Just be honest with me. UGH.

I feel better.

MMMMMMm Teegeback

This weekend was a good mix of decisions, some bad, most good. But it was definitely an experience. It's always a weird feeling when you feel, yet again, that you and your friends are in different stages of life. Then there are friends where you wonder what you were ever thinking. That was sort of the case this weekend. When she and I first became friends, I was still into partying and she was just the friend to do it with. I realized this weekend that she's still into it, and I'm not. Did you ever have that friend that after some time apart, you started to miss, and then you spend some time together and you just get so annoyed that you realize why you don't spend more time together? Yup. That was my weekend. Aside from that, though, the trip itself was pretty fun. Well, most of it. Friday night (well saturday morning around 5:30) I woke up to see a hand moving the curtain of my hotel room. Yeah, that pretty much put any chance of sleeping to rest. So I spent the better part of 2 hours dealing with the hotel staff (who was fantastic about everything) and the cops. The hotel comped our stay and put us up at another hotel Saturday night for free. A much nice hotel in a much nicer part of town. Saturday night we spent 6 hours at an amusement park. Sleeping after that was bliss. Then today we slowly made our way home. I'm relieved to be home, though. I miss sleeping in my bed when I'm gone. When I got home, my mom had baked my favorite Christmas cookies! What a great way to come home. I could smell them as soon as I opened the door. It was fantastic. I'm actually eating them as I type this! So I was lucky this weekend, in a lot of ways. God was really watching out for me. It actually made me rethink a lot of things. The Bible says that God is faithful to the faithful. Well that certainly must be true, because I haven't been very faithful, but God has! It's an eye-opener, I tell you what.

So this week I'm really going to make an effort. I have a lot of homework to do, I have a research paper that I really need to get started on and tomorrow I have a test to study for and then take on Tuesday. Right now I'm just spending some time with my family. Oh, I came home to the news that my brother had moved home. So that'll be interesting. I guess that's all I've got for now.

why do I make bad decisions?

Random....

so, I got my homework done on time. Early, actually. So that was a relief. Now I just have to read the chapter and take notes. And I had time to go shopping, and picked up a delicious hamburger helper type meal. It was much better than I expected it to be. I just finished watching Private Practice and now I'm watching Grey's Anatomy. I'm so glad that ABC puts their shows online. This is really the only night, other than Law And Order: SVU on Tuesday nights, where I am able to watch the shows when they're on tv. Otherwise I watch the online. Haha. Just kidding. I watch Extreme Makeover: Home Edition and then Desperate Housewives on Sunday nights. So that makes Sundays, Tuesdays, and Thursdays.

Mmmm. I have gummi bears to keep me company. So delicious.

Oh man. I'm so excited about this weekend. Halloween fun, roller coasters, and margaritas! What could be better? Oh, haha. Just in case you're worried, I'm not mixing margaritas with Halloween fun and roller coasters. I don't think that'd end too well. But I will disappear off the radar from tomorrow afternoon(ish) until Sunday.


Have I mentioned that I hate commercials?

Do You Hear What I Hear?

Other Christmas albums I recommend:

• Dave Koz - A Smooth Jazz Christmas (fantastic!)
  
• Il Divo - The Christmas Collection
• Kenny G - okay well he has like 5. get them all. Seriously. (even if you do it the illegal way) JUST KIDDING! or am I?
  

Once again, I'm procrastinating. Oh well. The only thing that sucks about that is that today's class is pretty involved. I have a case profile in the beginning of the chapter to read. Then I have to read the chapter. This is pretty boring stuff, plus I have to take notes. Along the way, I have to answer questions about the case profile using information I've "learned" from the chapter. The professor is a hard grader, too. So that just makes it involved. But I've got dinner planned out! Yay for that.

Ah! So my mom just called me to tell me that I needed to go shopping for dinner. On one hand, this is good because it means I don't need to cook. I can pick up something easy for dinner. On the other hand, I already had dinner planned! Oh well. Such is life. At least in my house.

And my homework is kicking my butt. It needs to be submitted by 5, and I've got 25 pages (of the most boring stuff) to read and take notes on. Plus 5 questions to answer that are detailed and will take a ridiculous amount of time and BS to answer. Hooray for college! I think I'm going to just read the case profile, answer the questions using the stuff on the page that they're on, and do the actual reading later. It is going to take me at least 3 hours to get ALL of this done with how boring the text is and how involved the questions are. One of them involves creating my own prevention program and all the things that entails. Ugh. I hate this class.

Oh, and I've managed to narrow down my 4 favorite Christmas songs.

1. Do You Hear What I Hear?
2. Little Drummer Boy (I especially like the version by Bing Crosby and David Bowie)
3. Silver Bells
4. Baby, It's Cold Outside (only the version by Leon Redbone and Zooey Deschanel.)

This is why I can't focus on my homework. My attention span is getting shorter and shorter as the minutes go by. Ah well. It makes for entertaining blogs.

A bunch of thoughts.... this may not be very cohesive

Ugh. Let me just start off by saying that I hate PMS. I'm all hot and cranky. Not to mention the only one home with the puppy, which means that she's extra aggravating today. Plus, I'm tired. Not a good combination, I must say. And I didn't start thinking about what to make for dinner until it was too late.

I'm so excited about this weekend. I could really use a break and a chance to get to go out with people my own age who actually enjoy the things that I do. I'm leaving on Friday afternoon(ish) and coming back Sunday. It should be a good time.

I feel very A.D.D. I have a lot of things that I want to do (not today, obviously.) Ideas that are swirling around in my head. I want to make my own Christmas cards this year. I think that could be fun. Plus, I want to get the speakers fixed in my car. Right now only one works, which is great because at least one works, but it'd be fantastic if all of them worked. There's other stuff, but I can't think of it at the moment.

Oh. I got a bunch of Christmas songs by Diana Krall, thinking that I'd like her. I don't. I don't particularly care for her voice, and her style is so strange. Someone told me that she was like Ella Fitzgerald. She's not.

I have a feeling this winter (haha funny joke) is going to be really warm. That makes me sad.

I have been spending a lot of time over at craftster (again!) and it makes me want to get out my needles and hooks and crochet and knit. Too bad it's too freakin' hot for that.

I love Ella Fitzgerald's Christmas album. I mean, I knew I would, but still.

Facebook got a Pacman application, and I love it.

I've decided that I'm getting a kitten, not a puppy, when I do get my own place. They're a lot less work.

I was very surprised to find out that Harry Connick Jr is a pretty good singer.

Mmk. I think I'm done.

I'm dreaming of a white Christmas.... just like the ones I used to know

Ugh. Homework sucks the energy out of me. At least I got it done today! Listened to Christmas music pretty much the whole time. That was pretty cool. Except for the first little while I listened to Michael Buble. Now I keep meaning to see if I can get any of Billie Holiday's Christmas stuff.

Oh, and I decided this year I'm going to make my own Christmas cards. 'Cause yeah, it's cooler. Or something. Other than the fact that I'm kinda tired, today has been pretty good. Nothing to complain about. I wonder what's on tv tonight. Hmm maybe I'm tired because I didn't sleep well last night. That might explain it.

I'm very disappointed with the weather. The forecast for the next 10 days is in the low 90s. Unacceptable! Don't these people know it's autumn (I've determined that's much more fitting than "fall") and it's supposed to cool off?! Maybe I should write a letter. I'll let ya know how that goes.

Mmk. Back to Craftster I go.

Hooray for self-indulgence!

Today was definitely a day of self indulgence for me. Something that I find myself doing less and less lately. I got the opportunity to spend some time with my sister, so we went out for dinner and did a little bit of shopping. I managed to pick up for myself a really cute camera case. I needed one for my digital camera. I don't want the screen getting scratched, but I need something that will fit in my purse with all my stuff. And then bonus! The Holiday with Cameron Diaz and Kate Winslet was on sale. I'm watching it now. I love this movie. Plus, it doesn't hurt that it's a Christmas-y movie. Then I got that urge to clean, and so I cleaned my bedroom. Not only that, but now everything is organized, I threw away crap I didn't need, and managed to get my bookshelf looking decent. That's pretty exciting. Now all I need is to light a candle, and I'll feel better. I'm just too lazy to get up. It'll happen eventually. Or not at all. Whatever.

mmm wine and good music

I like the freedom of writing. Sometimes it just feels good to write with no set purpose. I'm thankful for an outlet that lets me do that. I'm also thankful for the (relative) anonymity of this blog. With the exception of a handful of people, no one that I know reads this. That gives me freedom to talk about things that I wouldn't discuss with just anyone. I can be honest, and I don't feel that I have to pretend for the sake of other people or to "save face." I'm thankful for that, too.

I've noticed that a lot of people who blog do it with purpose. There are political blogs, entertainment blogs, people who consider themselves experts on one thing or another and they blog about that. There are blogs on knitting, scrapbooking, music and movies. For a while I struggled with the "purpose" of my blog. I thought that the reason for it was to get a billion people to read my blog. I felt that somehow that validated me. But now, I'm kind of glad that I don't have that many people. It would be overwhelming, and I would feel pressure to live up to some sort of standards.

Anyway. That was just a lot of rambling. I'm in a pretty mellow mood tonight. Not a whole lot going on. I've strayed from Christmas music for the moment, and I'm listening to a playlist in iTunes that is titled "mellow." It's mosty jazz music, but there's also a few vocals thrown in here and there that are calming. I managed to get through today without doing any homework. But thats okay, because I'm not behind like I thought I was. I'm actually doing pretty well. I thought that I had stuff due next week that isn't due until the week after, so that's a huge relief.

Here's to hoping that a good glass of wine will help me sleep better. The last couple of nights I've had a hard time sleeping.

Oh and this might be TMI but I pretty much don't care. I know I'm gonna start my period because I was in a cleaning frenzy today. And I can tell that I will be tomorrow too. It always happens the week before I start. Lucky me.

Since I'm in the spirit

I decided that it would be a good idea (and a good way to procrastinate) to make a list of some of my favorite Christmas albums, along with favorite song on the album. Oh yes, I am a model student.

• Michael Buble - Let It Snow (of course!)
• White Christmas
• Relient K - Deck The Halls, Bruise Your Hand
• 12 Days of Christmas
• Third Day - Christmas Offerings
• Do You Hear What I Hear?
• Ella Fitzgerald - Ella Wishes You A Swinging Christmas
• Sleigh Ride
• Harry Connick Jr. - Harry For The Holidays
• Nothin' New for New Year (I know it's sad, oh well!)
• Hanson - Snowed In (don't laugh! it's good!)
• Christmas (Baby Please Come Home)

There are also a lot of artists that don't have Christmas albums (shame on them!) or songs I like that aren't on any particular albums.

• The Drifters - White Christmas
• Jessica Simpson - What Christmas Means To Me
  
• Audio Adrenaline - Little Drummer Boy
• Copeland - Do You Hear What I Hear?
• Bing Crosby w/ David Bowie - Little Drummer Boy/Peace On Earth
• The Darkness - Christmas Time
• Pedro The Lion - I Heard The Bells On Christmas Day
• Leon Redbone & Zooey Deschanel - Baby It's Cold Outside (my second favorite song!)
• Hellogoodbye - Winter Wonderland
• Flyleaf - Do You Hear What I Hear? (my favorite Christmas song)
• Rob Thomas - New York City Christmas
• The Ronettes - Sleigh Ride
• Spoken - Mary Did You Know

Of course, it just wouldn't be good Christmas music without Bing Crosby, Dean Martin, Frank Sinatra, Perry Como, and the Trans-Siberian Orchestra. Plus, I like instrumental stuff, like Dave Koz and Kenny G.

yeah. I'm weird. Whatever.

hooray for shoes!

I've decided that tomorrow is the day. My away message says this:
I think I'll start a new life.
I think I'll start it over, where no one knows my name.
I'll get out of here, I'm tired of the weather
I think I need a new town
I hear it's nice in the summer, some snow would be nice.
But I don't want to have to wait for my new life to start. So tomorrow is the day that I do it. There's so many things that I want this to mean. This includes organizing my life, not being so down on this blog, working out, eating better, doing well in my classes, and moving away from friendships that were holding me back.

Anyway. I'm really excited about this.

And I just have to say that I'm envious of cute girls with cute shoes (read:kara) who's boyfriends bring them presents from Italy!

hooray!

Oh man. I'm so excited I can barely contain it!

By July of 2009, I will be a resident of Connecticut. Well, hopefully. That's the date that I have in mind. It might be as late as September or October, but definitely within two years from now I want to be there. If I didn't have a year of school left, it would be within a year from now. But I'm so excited! I'm moving up there with a close friend. Two years gives me enough time to finish school, save up money, and find a law school up there that I want to go to. Oh, and study and take the LSATs.

I'm more sure of this than I am of law school. Which is exciting because that means it's going to happen!

is it possible?

So apparently I have a tendency not to want anything half-hearted. I guess that's the best way to put it. For the past couple of days, all I can think about is how I miss the changing of the seasons and how I can't wait to be done with school so I can figure out a way to move up north. I'm even thinking about going to law school somewhere else. It doesn't help that on one of the forums that I love (random fact about me: I love to craft), everyone is now starting to work on and show off all the cold weather stuff (scarves, hats, sweaters, etc...) I just realized that the desire to live somewhere else is just as strong as the desire to go to Italy. I will do both. It's just a matter of when. I wonder how much it costs to live somewhere else as opposed to here... Perhaps in an effort to keep this at bay, I will crochet a lapgan. Ha. That makes me sound like an old lady. Whatever. I always did get funny stares from people when they saw me knitting. One guy even told me that it was for grandmothers. Stupid people.

Other than that, today is a relatively boring day. I'm getting all my stuff together for this week. I have a lot of homework that needs to get done. Plus I think I'm going to find some devo's online and print them out until I can find a book.

I can't believe I'm actually seriously considering this.

mmmmm cookies

So this is going to reveal the strangeness that is my family, but I don't care. I love my family, and yes they're strange, but so am I.

My mom is baking (hooray!) and we're listening to Christmas music.

Yes, you read that right. Christmas music. Meanwhile, it's like 95 degrees outside. Unbearably hot. I wish it would cool down. She has also decided to order LL Bean catalogs. Yesterday I posted about kind of missing the changing of the seasons, but today it hit me hard. I miss it really badly. The catalog has all kinds of winter stuff in it, and seeing the beautiful pictures of the snow made me miss it terribly. I suddenly realized that there's no way I could live here for the rest of my life. Aside from the fact that the cost of living is pretty high, it's all one season practically. Two, if you really want to be technical. That's not the point. I realized today that I don't want to live here. Once I'm done with college, I think I'm going to look into moving somewhere a little north of here. If you had asked me 7 years ago when I moved here if I would ever miss it up north, I would have laughed at you. I honestly thought I wouldn't, but now I do. It's weird. What's worse is that this is the only thing that I'm positively for sure of about what I want to do after college. Law school scares the bejeebus out of me.

Great Expectations

We are coming up on what might possibly be my favorite season. Unfortunately, here we don't have the changing of the leaves. When I lived up north, I was a lot younger and didn't appreciate the beauty of the changing of the seasons. Now that I live in a climate where this change is drastically different (and less noticeable) I find myself missing the changing of the colors, and the smell of fall. Living up north, we had a farm. The house was heated by a furnace, not central heating. So that meant that we had to cut wood, and stack it in the basement. I don't miss the heavy labor involved, but I do miss the smell of burning wood. Here, all we really get is the dropping of the temperature. Which is nice, don't get me wrong. It's just not the same. I really am excited, though, about the cooler weather. I'm especially excited about the holidays. They've always been a big deal in my family. We go all out with decorations and stuff. The best part, though, is all the baking that gets done in my house. That's another smell I associate with fall, is all the baking that gets done. Yeah, I'm pretty sure October-January is my favorite time of year. I can't wait until it cools off enough to where I can start knitting stuff again. It's just too warm the rest of the year.

I think I'll go to Boston, I think I'll start a new life.

Ahh the comforts of home. There's just something about being home. I love it. Not that I didn't love being back with everyone for a week, but it was strange. Anyway.

I'm really having a hard time with my quiet time. I was supposed to be looking for a new devo, and my friend and I were going to do them together and kind of compare. That hasn't been working out because we haven't found a book. I, however, have found quite a few books that I want to try, so I think I'm going to try doing it on my own again. I was doing so well for a while, and I just stopped again. I really need to get back into this. I'm starting to see the consequences again in other areas of my life. I'm sleeping a lot, again. My homework is getting done, but not in the time frame that I'd like. So I might order the book online, I have a discount with Borders from my membership, so I think I'm gonna get it from there. Aww. I can't use my discount online. That makes me sad.

Anyway. Even if I can't get the book right away, I'm gonna try getting back into the routine I had going for what, a week? It was better than nothing. I just have to have the self discipline to stick with it.

Oh, and apparently I'm going to start working out. This is what I'm telling myself. HA! We'll see. My friend hast lost 8 pounds by doing sit ups and eating healthier. That's what I want to do. Plus, I would like to be able to work a couple days a week, if this temp agency would just find me something!

headaches and rain

So tonight's pretty crazy. We have a flash flood warning. Makes me glad I decided not to drive home tonight. I love the rain, though. So it all works out.

I'm pretty tired though. I think I'm gonna go to sleep soon. I'm starting to get a headache.

I thought I had something to say, but I guess I was wrong. Oh well. I'm feeling a lot better about stuff.

Family guy cracks me up.

Ahh..... clarity

I'm so thankful for friends that I can confide in, and who will give me advice. I'm also grateful that I can talk to my parents about what's going on. I was able to talk to my dad a little bit today about the things that I've been faced with the past couple of days. Even though he didn't tell me anything that I didn't already know, or hadn't already heard, he did reinforce a lot of the things that I have been thinking. He also pointed out things that I had thought about but didn't really give any weight to. Since talking to him, I have felt so much better about things. I realize now that this is just a part of maturing and moving on.

Honestly, I feel relieved. I'm ready to move into a more professional part of my life. I realize now that this means getting rid of some of the things (and people) that were holding me back.

so true

courtesy of Post Secret

Growing Pains

Maturing is a difficult situation. I guess that's the right word for it? i don't even know. It's a strange feeling when you feel as if you're outgrowing your peers. I mean, it really wouldn't be the first time in my life, I guess. I've always been a little more mature than my peers. But now it's a different situation. I think living at home has really propelled me into the "young professional" mode. It's something that I actually find myself enjoying. I love getting all dressed up, and I'm excited about the kind of work atmosphere that I'm finding myself in with the types of jobs that I'm getting into.

I don't know. I'm just in a weird place. I find myself not having much in common with the people that I used to. There are a few people here that I don't feel that with, and for that I'm grateful. But it's hard when one of them is moving away at the same time that I'm moving back and the other is engaged and has a busy schedule. This is sort of presenting an issue for me (mostly when I move back) because the things that I enjoy doing are not the things that other people I know enjoy doing. I like going out for drinks, which is one of the biggest things because most of the people that I hang out with don't drink. I am not really that fond of sitting around and doing nothing a lot. At least when I'm hanging out with friends. But more than that, I just feel like I don't have anything in common with any of these people.

I just don't know. I'm excited about moving back. I just hope that I'm able to find people that I have similar interests with. Plus, hopefully by then one of the people that I do have these things in common with will have moved back.

I don't really know what else to say. Now I just feel as if I'm repeating myself. This trip has been interesting and I've realized a lot.

contemplative....

I need something different.

Random update

I absolutely love my friends.

I didn't even realize how much I missed them until last night.

It was a bit bittersweet, though. There were a lot of people that I didn't know, and few people that I did. All in all it was a good night. Karaoke was fun. First time ever, and I had a blast. I'd definitely do it again.

Anyway. I should get out of the bed and actually do something. Like brush my teeth and get dressed so I can go to campus and get my paperwork signed.

the trick is to find something to occupy your mind

A million things to say, and yet nothing comes to mind.

This happens to me a lot, I think.

Or perhaps I'm just being dramatic. Probably both.

Today finds me making plans. All kinds of plans. Unfortunately, the biggest plan has become a non-plan (if that makes sense?) Unfortunately, having the money to do something does not mean one is able to afford it, and this is the problem facing me. I've been somewhat planning my week, focusing on the schoolwork that I need to get done. Delegating each subject to one day. That should help me to be where I need to. I need to remind myself to start working on my research paper and not letting that build up until the last possible moment. I suppose schoolwork is Plan 1. Plan 2 is tomorrow's plans: job hunting. Hopefully that goes well. I would also like to stop by the library, though I'm not really sure for what. I have quite a few books that are waiting to be read. So maybe I'll take that out of the plan. I guess the "master plan" is to create some sort of routine out of what seems to be chaos.

It seems to be a fine line I walk with this thing. If I go too long without it, I find myself slowly sinking back into a form of depression. It's not fun. The trick is having the motivation to stick with it, which I find myself losing after about a week. I'm hoping that a job will help with the motivation.

I feel like I'm rambling. I probably am. I'm tired, I think I'll sleep.

Hmm. 25 to start with.

Inspired by one of my favorite bloggers, Meghan, I have decided to make a list of 100 things about me. Also, like Meghan I will probably not make it to 100 in one post, because I get distracted easily. So I'll get as far as I can until I have the urge to do something else.

1. I go through stages where I will listen to one artist constantly for days. Lately, it's been Michael Buble. Today it changed to Paramore.
2. Every so often I get really restless and have a strong desire to get out of wherever I'm at.
3. I really really really really want to go to Italy.
4. I have a list of 15 blogs that I check on a daily basis.
5. I hate silence. It bothers me beyond explanation. Therefore, I am always playing music, or there is always noise coming from somewhere. Even when I sleep sometimes.
6. I can't tell you off the top of my head things that I've learned from my classes, but I can probably sing most songs from memory.
7. My high school gym teacher got fired for having an affair with one of his students.
8. I wish I had the motivation to become a professional photographer. I don't even have the motivation to learn what it takes.
9. When I was in high school, I walked around for an entire day barefoot just because one of my friends said I would get in trouble. I didn't.
10. I love strawberries. They are my favorite fruitfood.
11. My bedroom is painted pink.
12. I have a tendency to walk into a room and forget why I'm there. Then I have to retrace my steps to remember what I was doing.
13. It's not that I hate working out, I'm just too lazy to do it.
14. I am amused by simple things, like my puppy chasing a 2 liter bottle.
15. I love driving fast to loud music. I'm convinced that this will result in a ticket one day.
16. I love shrimp. And fish. And food in general.
17. When I'm bored, I spend a lot of time looking up things that I'm interested in and I bookmark the sites I find. Then I don't do anything with them.
18. I love Law and Order: SVU. I watch every episode.
19. I taught myself to read when I was like 3. Ever since then I've loved books. This past year, I've read maybe one book and that upsets me.
20. The summer after I graduated college, I made a bet with a friend and I watched Dirty Dancing every day for 3 and a half months. Up until Elizabethtown, it was my favorite movie.
21. I love the book Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen. I've read it more times than I've seen Dirty Dancing. I love the movie, too.
22. I can be really stubborn.
23. I am very emotional. It doesn't take much to make me cry usually.
24. About two years ago I decided to do yoga. I love it. I wish I did it more.
25. I am a people watcher. I love it. I think people are so funny when they don't think anyone is looking.

Okay. Thus ends this portion. I have to run errands. I'll finish this later.

oh college

Things you expect to learn from your college courses:
1. How to avoid doing homework until the last possible minute.
2. How to convince a professor to give you an extension.
3. How to pass a class without actually attending.

Things you DON'T expect to learn from college courses:
1. How to make crack cocaine.

Guess which one I learned???

Hillsong - The Stand

You stood before creation
Forever within Your hand
You spoke all life into motion
My soul now to stand

You stood before my failure
And carried the cross for my shame
My sin weighed upon Your shoulders
My soul now to stand

So what can I say
And what could I do
But offer this heart O God
Completely to You

So I’ll walk upon salvation
Your Spirit alive in me
This life to declare Your promise
My soul now to stand

So I’ll stand
With arms high and heart abandoned
In awe of the One who gave it all

I’ll stand
My soul Lord to You surrendered
All I am is Yours

So what can I say
And what could I do
But offer this heart O God
Completely to You

Everlasting, Your light will shine when all else fails

I feel like I have so much to say, but now that I'm ready to type it all out, I got nothing. Typical. I hate it when that happens.

I also hate it when blogger decides to have "scheduled outages" in different time zones. I never know which time that is here, so with my luck I decide to write out a lengthy post and then the "scheduled outage" starts and I lose it all. I suppose I should do the same things that I now do with my comments, and copy it first so I can save it and post it later. Or just find out how many hours behind (or ahead of) me PDT is. That would probably be the more sensible thing.

I've been sick the past two days. Well, sick yesterday and sick-ish today. I felt well enough to go out and run errands, but that drained all my energy. So I spent the rest of the day at home, relaxing. And playing with the puppy. Of course. She is absolutely adorable and I love her. Love love love her. Unfortunately, I got no school work done. Not for lack of trying. I got out all the stuff I need, books, pens, paper, etc... I just never did anything. Oh well, there's always tomorrow. I'm sure I'll do something because I know there are deadlines. Plus I don't know how I'll be feeling tomorrow, and I just learned that being sick is not an excuse in an online class! Shame.

It's been two days since I've done my quiet time. Yesterday I never really woke up. It was like a perpetual state of sleep, even when I was awake I was groggy. I even slept through Big Brother! That should tell you the state I was in! Luckily, I already knew what was going to happen, so there was no surprise there. This is the last week, so things will be interesting. No more finding out things ahead of time! Kinda sad, but kinda exciting! I have no excuse for not doing my quiet time today.

Speaking of, I have to say I'm pretty disappointed in my devotional journal. It's by Beth Moore and it's called Praying God's Word Devotional Journal. I bought it online so I didn't really have a chance to get a good look at it, just what Amazon had on their inside view thing. I like(d) that it had a small excerpt on how to apply scripture to life. Or at least that's what I thought it was. I also liked that it had a margin for writing some notes. Then there were quite a few verses. It turns out that this devotional does not encourage study of the scripture at all. It seems to me that it is more geared toward using Moore's book Praying God's Word. And while the verses apply to the small excerpt, they really don't do much else. The way they are used is as a prayer. There is no passage given, nothing that encourages use of this journal as an aid to Scripture. Rather it seems to be meant for use as a substitute. There is no "meat" to it. I do not recommend it to anyone looking for a substantial devotional aid. I'm halfway through it, so I feel that I have really gotten a sense of what it is about. Also, there are times when I open it up, and just feel like "ugh. this doesn't even apply to me" or "you know, I feel like I need something more than this today." I realized that the mistake I had made when buying it was not researching it and finding out what other people had gotten out of it, problems they had had, and whether or not other people had found it helpful. So this is what I will be doing before buying my next devotional.

On that note, there has been something that has been on my mind for a few days. It has been swirling around in my mind, exactly how I want it to come out, and how exactly to get the emotion of it across. The other night I discovered a song on my ipod that I knew was there, but had never really paid attention to. I recommend it for anyone looking for an amazing worship song. It's called "The Stand" by Hillsong. At the time, the lyrics were just so powerful to me. It honestly became a spontaneous moment of worship. I shut my lights off, put my computer on hibernate and my cell phone on silent. I sat in the dark, with this song on repeat and just sat in the presence of God. I lifted up all the things that I had been struggling with. I lifted up all the praise for all the blessings. I cried, I felt joy, I felt pain. I felt clean. It was the most amazing moment that I can remember. It occurred to me that this was the joy that was promised to me. It was this overwhelming feeling that made me want to cry. But not out of misery or pain. Literally tears of joy. I had felt this before, but never recognized it. I felt God as clearly as I feel the keys on my keyboard. It was that powerful. I love those moments. There are few moments of worship I have experienced so profoundly. Some of the greatest moments of worship at church can't even touch this experience.

How do you top that? What can you say after something like that. For me, worship is such an insanely personal thing that sometimes it's so hard for me to openly worship, even at church. I feel as if I am being watched, judged. I know that it shouldn't matter, and a lot of times it doesn't. I have come so far from that, where those moments are so rare, yet they still happen. I know that it's irrational, and even if it were true and I was being watched I shouldn't care. But sometimes I find it hard to lose myself in the worship.

I suppose this is a good post for confessions? Seems like it. Even if it's not, that's what you're getting. I am a terrible accountability partner. I wish I knew how to be better. I can barely keep myself accountable. My quiet time is scattered, and at times a mess. I'm so worried about not pushing buttons or stepping on toes that I am afraid to approach topics that I know are testy. I ask basic questions, but not in depth ones. I wouldn't even know where to begin. And considering that I feel worship is personal, I feel awkward talking about stuff I'm going through. I feel weird opening up, as odd as that sounds. I feel equally as awkward discussing things in my spiritual life. I guess you could say I feel like a poser. As if I'm playing a part, or perhaps when you're in a discussion in which you know nothing about the topic, but you speak as if you do and pray that no one notices that you're clueless. Sometimes this is how I feel when discussing my faith. I feel like I'm an impostor and I pray that people don't discover me. It's strange. And I feel that it stunts my growth and my relationships.

Apparently the "scheduled outage" starts in 10 minutes, so I suppose I should post this before hand. (copying just in case!) I would be upset if I lost this!

crazy little thing called love

Sometimes I just don't feel like talking to very many people. I would just like to listen to a little music, talk to one or two close friends, and just relax. Why is it that these are the times when annoying people attempt to talk to me?

Ugh.

say it's me that you adore, and then darlin' tell me when

Things I enjoy:

• Playing pool online.
  
• Getting comments on my blog.
• Blogging.
• Michael Buble (but you knew that!)
• Perusing e-bay for random things.
• Sweet tea.
• Taking pictures of my friends and family.
• Cocktail rings. (if you have any you don't want, feel free to send them my way!)
• Pearls (same as cocktail rings!)
  
• Reading about other people's lives

What do you enjoy?

I'm terrible about procrastinating. I have been avoiding this assignment like it's the plague. Granted, it's not due until Thursday, but I have four assignments due this week. So I figured if I do one a day,then I'm good. But today that didn't work out so well. Hmm. I'm gonna use the excuse that it's labor day. Even though it has nothing to do with that. Whatever. Tomorrow's assignment is a lot less involved. So perhaps I'll do them both tomorrow. That would be ideal.

Bon Jovi - Lost Highway

In my rear view mirror
My life is gettin' clearer
The sunset sighs and slowly disappears
These trinkets once were treasure
Life changes like the weather
You grow up, grow old or hit the road ’round here
So I drive, watching white lines passing by
With my plastic dashboard Jesus, waiting there to greet us

Hey, hey, I finally found my way
Say goodbye to yesterday
Hit the gas there ain’t no brakes on this lost highway
Yeah I’m busting loose, I’m letting go
Out on this open road
It’s independence day on this lost highway

I don’t know where I’m going
But I know where I’ve been
I’m afraid of going back again
So I drive, years and miles are flying by
And waiting there to great us
Is my plastic dashboard Jesus

Hey, hey, I finally found my way
Say goodbye to yesterday
Hit the gas there ain’t no brakes on this lost highway
Yeah I’m busting loose, I’m letting go
Out on this open road
It’s independence day on this lost highway

Oh patron saint of lonely souls
Tell this boy which way to go
Guide the car, you got the keys
Farewell to mediocrity
Kicking off the cruise-control
And turning up the radio
Got just enough religion
And a half tank of gas come on, let’s go

I finally found my way
Say goodbye to yesterday
Hit the gas there ain’t no brakes on this lost highway
I’m busting loose, I’m letting go
When I'm out on this open road
It’s independence day on this lost highway

I've been tagged! (and so have you probably)

These are the rules of being tagged: RULES - Post rules before giving the facts - Players start with eight random facts/habits about themselves - People who are tagged need to write on their own blog about their eight things and post these rules - At the end of the your blog you need to tag six people and list their names - Leave them a comment on their blog, telling them they have been tagged and not to forget to read your blog.

1. I love making list and organizing things.This is a recent discovery about myself. And most often, I just end up with a lot of lists that do me no good. Also, for all the organizing of my time, activities, school work, etc... more often than not I end up completely disregarding it and doing whatever I feel like.

2. I love post-it notes. I have more post-it's than one person could ever need. I use them for everything and I love them. One time when I was in high school, my friend and I got a pass from one of my teachers and we put sticky notes all over the outside of my friends truck. I also put random ones inside his truck.

3. I love crazy reality tv shows. Not the ones like real world and all that. I love Sunset Tan, Kathy Griffin: My Life On The D-List (love her!), Flipped Out, Big Brother (though that's kinda like Real World), and Rock Of Love with Bret Micheals. Whenever I turn on the tv late at night and a show like that is on, I can't help but watch it.

4. I love the Disney show Hannah Montana. I don't really know why.

5. I can spend hours on the internet, and I'm not really sure that I do anything productive. That's how I waste most of my time.

6. I love to have my back rubbed. It is the best feeling in the world and so relaxing. When I was little, my grandmother tells me that I would climb into bed with her and my grandfather, lie on my stomach and command them to "wub." To this very day, I will at times (and vice versa) crawl into bed with my sister and we will take turns rubbing each other's backs. She's 18 and I'm 22.

7. Sometimes I'm too open with the details of my life. (see above haha)

8. I love margaritas. They are my favorite alcoholic drink of all time. Second is fuzzy navels. Third is strawberry daiquiris.


Now I'm supposed to tag 6 people. Umm, well I was gonna pick Ellie but so much for that. (Thanks Kris! haha j/k) I pick Caroline, Kara, Rachel, and Adam. Yeah, yeah it's only four. whatever. No one else that I know of reads my blog. So there!

I can still feel the breeze that rustles through the trees

This morning was a particularly difficult morning as far as waking up goes. I just did NOT want to wake up. I can attribute this, I think, to the fact that I did not sleep well last night. It took me almost two and a half hours to fall asleep. Then when I finally got comfortable enough to fall asleep, I woke back up. Ugh. Those nights are the worst.

But today I started working out again for the first time. I thought that after the workout I'd be exhausted and want to nap, but surprisingly I had more energy than before. This is not usually the case with me. Oh well. I've also noticed that I've been not only remembering to take my medicine every day, but I'm doing it at around the same time. I think I can mark the first week as a success overall. Tomorrow will be the true test. It's Saturday morning, and a typical sleep in morning in my house (though I guess you could say that for every morning!)

I feel like a huge dork. I'm pretty excited about my new Dell Axim. Oh well. I don't care. My daddy is pretty awesome.

chicks were born to give you fever

Things That Make Me Happy:
Sunny days.
Rain.
Music.
Friends.
Food.
Finding cute clothes on sale.
Movies.
Sleep.
emails.
Pictures.
Family.
My kitty.
big sunglasses.

crazy little thing called love

I think that there might be something to this idea of getting up before noon. Who'da thought?

It's day three, and I already feel so much better. I've been doing my quiet time every morning, I spend less time sitting on the computer, I've actually spent time in the pool (and therefore in the sun) and I don't feel like I'm getting depressed anymore! I have tons more energy. I also feel like I have more time in my day. Even though I'm still sleeping the same amount of hours, I go to bed earlier, and wake up earlier. Apparently more daylight in your day means feeling like you have more time. I no longer feel like I'm wasting my day. I've filled out a couple of applications at some of the places around here, so hopefully something pans out.

Also! There's a very good possibility that I've found someone to sublease from, and the best part is that I'll be living with one of my friends. Hoorah! Unfortunately it's because one of my friends is leaving and that makes me sad. But I guess this is what is best for her, so as sad as I am, I support her.

I love you in a place where there's no space or time

I am feeling so much better. I honestly think sunshine can cure the blues!

Or at least make you feel better. I decided to take a little time today and hang out in the pool. During this time, I figured out some stuff and realized what was really bothering me. I think the thing that's the most important in feeling better is to actually start doing stuff. So I've decided that tomorrow (well technically tonight) is when I'll start getting back into a routine. I say tomorrow because there's not much I can do about it today, except not staying up til 3 a.m. I think that's a good start to what I want to accomplish. One step at a time, eh?

On a plus note, I have everything I need for classes. The only thing that I don't have is the ac adapter for my PDA, but that's not imperative to my classes.


ooh, and the title of this post is from a Michael Buble song (of course) and I think it's one of the prettiest lines I've heard in a while.

Ramblings

is it possible to take a break from life?

I feel like that's what I need. This situation has exhausted me emotionally and mentally. It brought up things that I wasn't even aware were stressing me out. I mean, yeah I feel better now that I put an end to the nonsense. But at the same time, it made me realize that there is nothing here for me. There is no one here for me. And I have at least four more months of this. I mean, sure I'll get a job. And there's church. Plus classes will keep me busy. And I'll be able to make trips up to see all my friends. But I know I won't be able to go every weekend, and it would be nice to have some things to do around here and some people to do it with.

I see pictures that different girl have put up. There they are with a group of friends, and they all look so happy. I can't help but be a little jealous of that. Sure I have friends, but I don't have that. I don't have a group of close girl friends. I feel like the friends that I do have, I don't have much in common with. And it's making it harder because I'm not going back right away, so everyone is moving on and I feel stuck. I feel trapped in this life.

The sermon yesterday was on interruptions in your life, and how they can be God's introduction for something amazing in your life. I know that this is an interruption, and I'm sure something amazing will come out of it. One day, I'm sure I'll look back and think to myself "yeah, it sucked. But it was worth it." Right now, however, I have a hard time keeping that in mind.

I keep saying that I want to get back into a routine, and all that. And I really do mean it. I just can't make myself do it. I'd much rather sleep, even though I really get nothing out of it. I really hope that I'm not becoming depressed again. I don't think I could handle that. I feel like I'm going stir crazy. Maybe I just need to get out of here for a while. Who knows.

Boys are stupid. Throw rocks at them.

So, I find it much easier to avoid confrontation than to actually find out what I want to know. But. I do have moments in my life where I get tired of people's bull and I call them out on it. I find it "convenient" that this person has chosen now to try to be "friends." We were never friends. A year after we broke up, he came up to the town I was in for a concert. I happened to be hanging out with a girl who I met through him, and we hooked up.

As much as I hate doing this kind of stuff, it feels good to let him know that I know what he's up to and I'm not putting up with it. What makes it worth it all, though, is finding out that I'm right. He admitted that he was looking for a hookup. I told him no. If this was a different time, I would have told him quite a few other things, using a lot of little four letter words. But I'm better than that, and I simply told him that I wasn't interested. And now I feel so good about the fact that I didn't give in to the temptation.

And now I can go on with my life, feeling better about myself, and knowing I didn't do something that I would have regretted.

I've found you find strength in your moments of weakness

Thank God I didn't do something stupid.

It's not over tonight just give me one more chance to make it right I may not make it through the night I won't go home without you

I know it's wrong.

I know it can't end well.

So why am I so tempted?

I gotta be cool, relax.

I got bored today, so my sister and I headed out of the house. We decided to try on cocktail dresses at the mall (that just shows how much there is to do here.) While putting a dress on (or taking it off, I don't remember) over my head, I managed to scrape skin off of my forehead with my thumbnail.

Yes, I am just that cool. So now I have a huge red scratch down my forehead.

Do you ever have those days where you just feel like crying? I do. Today (rather the past few days) has been one of those times. It's not PMS, and there's no particular reason. I just feel as if I need a good cry. I'm not even sad! Ah, well. Such is life I suppose.

So last night's attempt at going to sleep early didn't turn out so well. I made the mistake of turning on the television. I have this thing about coming into my bedroom in complete darkness, so the plan was to turn on the tv for light and then shut it off once I got settled. But of course, I turned it on and something good was on tv. One of those "how-to" shows, or a forensics files show or something. Anyway. Then I discovered a show on VH1. Top 40 Reality TV Moments. Oh man. I had heard there was a spot about Jen from Big Brother on there, with her tantrum about her picture. Well of course I had to see that. And of course, it was moment number four or something like that. Which meant I had to watch 2 hours. So yeah.

Well tonight is going to be a little different. My mom has a doctor's appointment in the morning, and my sister and I are going with her. So no matter what time I go to sleep, I have to be up around 7:30 or so. I still haven't developed any kind of routine, and I'm still not doing my quiet time.

So I knew when I started college that it wouldn't last forever and that eventually real life would settle in. I just didn't expect it to happen while I was still in college. The number of friends I have that are either engaged or married have exceeded two hands. One friend is leaving to spend a year in England doing missionary work. I was just informed that another friend is planning on moving to Canada in a year to be a missionary. I can still remember a time in my life when the days dragged on and it felt like forever. Now, it's like where did the time go? It seems like just yesterday I was starting the summer and now it's pretty much over.

UGH.

Why does it seem like when things are finally going well, life throws a curve ball at me? I was seeing this guy about two years ago, I suppose. We dated briefly (for about a month) and it was during the time in my life where I was trying to fill the void with a relationship. So basically for me, this guy was awesome. I thought that things were going well and that we were gonna be together for a while. During that spring break I went to Miami with my sister (my dad went on a conference.) I didn't hear from this guy much at all, and when I did it was because I called him. Well when I got back, it was as if nothing was wrong. Things went back to normal. Then one night, about a week later he took me out to dinner. Told me that he didn't think we should see each other anymore. He thought our relationship was just about sex (which it kinda was, but at that time I didn't see it.) I was heartbroken at the time. He then asks me if I'd like to go play pool with some of his friends (who were I suppose my friends through him.) I went. Because I was dumb and thought that maybe it would make him change his mind. It didn't. It turns out that he had been planning to break up with me for about 2 or 3 weeks and had even told his friends. I haven't heard from him in about a year. Well all of a sudden he IMs me. Last I had heard (which was about a 9 months ago) he had a girlfriend whom he was living with and they were happy. Well this didn't really affect me. Until now, apparently. I guess they broke up a couple weeks ago. Now he wants to take me to dinner. Now I feel like crying and screaming. I don't want to be mean, but I really want to be like "dude you broke up with me and ruined your chance." But I don't want to be mean. Ugh. I don't know. There was a time when I would have just said it. Instead, when he asked if I was seeing anyone, I told him that I didn't want to get involved because I was only here temporarily. Let's hope that works. Just ugh.

I quit. It's 1:30 and I need at least 6 hours to function and I'll probably only get 5 1/2. Thank God for Michael Buble. He's helping me keep my mind off of how frustrating this is.

I have no title....

So, once again I didn't do my quiet time. Even though I had the time to do it.

But it's 11:47 and I'm getting ready to go to sleep! Hopefully this is the beginning of what I want to get accomplished.

I suppose we shall see.

Also, I'm very sad that my friends are moving away. Most of them before I even get the chance to say goodbye. I'm lucky because Rachel won't be moving until December, so at least I'll get to spend some time with her before she leaves, but some friends are already gone, and the others will be gone before I get my car.

Growing up sucks.

A blog in the middle of the day? Incredible!

This Wednesday afternoon finds me with no air conditioning. (Thank goodness for ceiling fans!) In Florida, no air conditioning is almost as bad as no air to breathe. Luckily our house is tile so it doesn't get too hot plus the fans help. It's a comfortable 87 degrees in the house.

Already today I have managed to not start the routine I claim I am going to start. Any day now. Granted, it's only 4 o'clock, and I could still do my quiet time. Right now I'm trying to figure out some bills and other things online.

I'm also pretty excited because I have a stack of books that I haven't read yet. I think the one I'm most excited about is Angels and Demons by Dan Brown. I've heard that it's very good. I also managed to find a copy of Jane Eyre which happens to be one of my favorite books ever. I know a few people have mentioned the book I'm currently reading, Why Men Love Bitches, and it seems that the feedback has mostly been the same. The reason I'm reading this book is not because I feel that I need a "self-help" book. It's not even that I feel I need help in relationships. I'm actually reading it because a friend of mine read it and told me that it changed her life. At that point I was pretty skeptical, so she challenged me to read it. She told me that it would have the same effect on me. I have to say, I'm not impressed with this book. In my opinion, the advice goes a little too far. Sure, there are some pieces of advice that any woman could take to heart, but to me that's just more common sense than anything else. I think that any woman reading this, if she isn't careful, will end up taking every bit of advice to heart and will end up with either a jerk of a boyfriend or alone.

Anyway, that's just my two cents. I definitely wouldn't recommend this book to people.

You've always been our refuge, there's peace in Your glory

The morning finds me faced with a dilemma. I have this urge to write, but find that I have nothing to say. Or at least that's how I feel. I'm reading this book by Sherry Argon, titled Why Men Love Bitches. To be honest, I'm not really sure why I'm reading it. It's one of those "self-help" books. The tagline is "from doormat to dreamgirl - a woman's guide to holding her own in a relationship." To be sure, there's some good advice in this book. I've come across some things that I have done in the past (not just in relationships but also in potential relationships and friendships) that I was unaware of. It's a good eye opener, though there's a lot of stuff that I won't be keeping in mind.

I'm back to not doing my quiet time. It sucks because as much as I'm disappointed about it, I find that I just don't have the motivation to do it. I've discovered about myself that I function way better when I'm on some kind of a routine. My problem right now is that I just don't have the self-discipline to have a routine without a job/classes to attend. This is not made any easier by the lack of jobs in the area. Plus online classes. I was hoping that I could motivate myself to set up a routine without a job, but so far that effort has been fruitless. I find myself unmotivated and lazy. Not a good feeling. In fact, it's pretty lame.

What I really want to do is start working out and getting back into shape. I miss the energy that I had when I was into a regular sleeping pattern. Plus working out would help me to shape some sort of routine out of my day. I just can't seem to get started. I guess staying up til 3 a.m. doesn't really help matters much. Maybe I'll start there.

Post Secret

Post Secret

mmmmmmmmmm Michael Buble

As I think most people know, music is one of my most favorite things in the world. It has been so many things for me, but mostly it's been an escape from reality during the times when I needed to get away most.

My current obsession is Michael Buble. I absolutely adore him. Not only is he a very attractive man, but whoa buddy, this guy can sing! I love that he has a very old jazz style. He reminds me a lot of Frank Sinatra. This is my current favorite song by him, "Everything"



Anyway. Currently my bedroom is my haven, as I believe it should be for everyone. I have Christmas lights strung on the walls (which are pink) so I don't have to use my overhead light which is overbearing. It creates this very relaxed atmosphere, and mixed with the musical styling of one Mr. Buble is quite the experience. I think people are surprised when they find out that I love jazz music. And by that I mean pretty much all jazz music. I love Etta James, Duke Ellington, Louis Armstrong, Billie Holiday, Jelly Roll Morton, Miles Davis, Harry Connick Jr., Ella Fitzgerald, and of course Frank Sinatra.

So one of the things that I'm doing with this whole "moving on" thing is finding out things that I like. Jazz music is definitely one of them. I realized that in the midst of everything that went on, I lost part of who I was. And even though it's been quite a while since then, I never really took the time out to figure out who I am. This past year has been amazing, really the past year and a half has. I've learned a lot about what I can deal with, and I've made incredible friends. But I haven't really figure out who I am. Just me, not me with someone else, not me as "the future lawyer," just me. So , I've picked up quite a few new books to read and I'm trying to branch out musically. Who knows what else is to come. But I'm excited!

I'm Moving On (for real this time)

I've dealt with my ghosts and I've faced all my demons
Finally content with a past I regret
I've found you find strength in your moments of weakness
For once I'm at peace with myself
I've been burdened with blame, trapped in the past for too long
I'm movin' on

I've lived in this place and I know all the faces
Each one is different but they're always the same
They mean me no harm but it's time that I face it
They'll never allow me to change
But I never dreamed home would end up where I don't belong
I'm movin' on

I'm movin' on
At last I can see life has been patiently waiting for me
And I know there's no guarantees, but I'm not alone
There comes a time in everyone's life
When all you can see are the years passing by
And I have made up my mind that those days are gone

I sold what I could and packed what I couldn't
stopped to fill up on my way out of town
I've loved like I should but lived like I shouldn't
I had to lose everything to find out
Maybe forgiveness will find me somewhere down this road
I'm movin' on

I've heard people describe these kinds of realizations as having hit them out of nowhere. I don't think that's true. I think that with something like this, you know for a long time. And for me, the time has come where it's time to cut myself loose. I'm letting go.

Have a happy period!

So I always assumed that the people who ran the ad campaigns for Always pads were women. I mean, it makes sense right?

Obviously, I was wrong.

Only a man could even think that a period could be "happy." That's just ridiculous. Have you ever met a woman who was extremely happy, and when asked the reason for such bliss replied with "Oh, I'm on my period!"?

Exactly.

Obviously, these men are not married, nor do they have sisters, mothers or daughters. In fact, they've probably never even been around a woman who was on her period.

I've done it all, I've seen it all but I can't find a feeling like that

1 a.m. and I find myself not ready for sleep. Tired, yes. Just not ready for sleep. Instead I find myself reflecting on events in my life over the past year or so. I realize that this is something I do quite often, and I can't help but wonder if most people think about this kind of stuff as often as I do. I suppose this time is different than most. This time, thinking about this doesn't make me sad, and I don't feel regretful. Instead, I'm pretty happy with the way things have been going. Sure I've had my moments, it wouldn't be worth it if I didn't would it? It's odd because there was a time in my (short) life where I used to say that I don't regret things that I've done because they've brought me where I am. Then there was a time after that where I felt as if I should regret things that I've done, and I tried, really I did. But when I was honest with myself, I don't know that I could say I regret those things. Do I wish I had done things differently? Sure, but doesn't everyone? I think part of the thrill of doing certain things is that you don't know where it's going to lead you or how it's going to affect you. That's also scary. There was another time where I wasn't willing to admit to myself that things that I had done were mistakes. I used to say that I never made mistakes, only wrong decisions. One could argue that they're the same thing, but that doesn't matter. Man, I was naive. Of course I make mistakes, everyone does. That's life. I still make mistakes. I suppose that, currently, I don't but that's because I'm not really making any major decisions at this point. Most of them are already made, and the rest I'm a few months off from having to make. But I am still reaping the consequences of mistakes I've made as recently as April. It's funny because that's one decision that I do regret. And I do realize that it's a mistake. However, I think what makes this time different than the rest is that instead of dwelling on this mistake, and letting it control my life, I see it for what it is, and I'm over it. This is very different from how I'm used to handling things. Could it be that I've grown? That I've actually matured? Unthinkable! It's a good feeling.

Ponderances..... or things I wonder....

• You know how MySpace has that "cool new people" section on the homepage? If you're picked to be one of the "cool new people" can you see yourself?
• Why is it that two foods that would never ever ever seem tasty together all of a sudden become appetizing when a woman is pregnant?
• Why does birthday cake taste better than non-birthday cake?
• Why is it that when you're puttering around online the hours fly by, yet when you're doing something you hate the hours drag?
  

When I grow up I want to be rich and British.

So I have a confession to make.

I am obsessed with Bravo's celebrity shows.

My favorite show is Kathy Griffin's My Life On The D-List. I think she's fabulous and funny. If I were to come back in another life, I'd want to be her.

Tonight I discovered Victoria Beckham is Coming To America.

*clutch the pearls*

Am I the only person who finds her to be fantastic?

I'm convinced that I should have been born British and rich. And as thin as my pinky nail. Because I would have definitely been Victoria Beckham. She's brilliant (I think) and not uppity like I expected her to be. Her humor seems to be very dry and sarcastic, which I love. But I have to say, she dressed up a blow-up doll like herself and they drove it around Los Angeles and paparazzi actually believed it was her. Come on. These things just write themselves.... I have nothing further to say on the topic except that I should have been rich and British. When I grow up that's what I want to be.


P.S. her husband isn't that hot.

A confession of sorts. An apology to those I respect.

God has really laid this on my heart as of late. But I've been stubborn and therefore this is much later than it should have been. I feel that this isn't as personal as I'd like to be, but I feel that I need to do this now, and I'm unable to do it in person.

I feel that I owe you an apology, and an explanation of why I'm apologizing. I have this really bad habit of closing myself off when I'm struggling and need help. A few months ago was no exception. I was struggling in my faith. As a result I let my friendships suffer. I basically disappeared. I may have told you that I was busy, perhaps I didn't answer your phone call, or your IM, or even worse if I saw you in person I may have pretended not to. The truth is that I was avoiding everyone at all cost. I needed help and refused to ask for it. I was angry at myself, but took it out on everyone else. This was completely unfair. I started to get upset that people couldn't see that I needed help, and that no one reached out to me. The fact of the matter is that you did reach out to me. But I didn't want to admit that I was wrong, so I pretended I didn't see it. Looking back, I'm very ashamed of my actions and of the way that I treated you. The end of the semester came, and I came to Late Nite a couple times. At this point, I couldn't have blamed you if you wanted nothing to do with me. But despite the way that I treated you, you still reached out to me. And this made me angry also. I have no rational explanation for this, except to say that I was becoming more and more angry with myself, yet still refusing to take responsibility for my actions. This summer has been a long walk with God about my actions and the way that I treated you. I underestimated you and I judged you unfairly. I know that sometimes an apology never feels like enough but it's all I have to give you. I am so very truly sorry for my actions. I have the greatest amount of respect for you. Each one of you have been an incredible influence on my life and my faith in one way or another. I only hope that you will give me a chance to show you that I've changed, and to get to know you better.

Just a few more weary days and then....

How do you know when God has placed something on your heart? Does it nag at you? Do you think about it constantly? How do you know that it's just not something that you're obsessing over? How do you know that it's not something that you're doing to yourself, out of some need to acknowledge fault for things that have happened?

Eternal King we bless your name. For you were and you are and forever you will be praised in this place

and Lord our hearts are yielded. They're given only to you God. there is none righteous there is none worthy there is none holy but You the King. I will live my life to sing of Your wonder. To shout of your glory so creation will hear. God we want the world to hear. O sovereign King. This heart is free from the death that I was born into. To put your grace out on display and in response I can't help to sing your praise God. there is none righteous there is none worthy. There is none holy but You the King. I will live my life to sing of your wonder. To shout of your glory so creation will hear you God. We want the world to hear. Hallelujah we sing Hallelujah we cry. Hallelujah we're living for Your name. Hallelujah we sing. Hallelujah we cry. Hallelujah we're living for your name. Hallelujah we sing. Hallelujah we cry. Hallelujah we're living for your name. Hallelujah we sing. Hallelujah we cry. Hallelujah we're living for your name. There is none righteous. There is none worthy. There is none holy but You the King. I will live my life to sing of your wonder. To shout of your glory so creation will hear you God. We want the world to hear.

Incomparable by Chris Kuti Band


I've heard that God is in the details, in the small things. It never really hit home until today. I can't get over how good God is. See, I've really been worried about financial stuff for school coming up. Two of my biggest worries are these loans that I have through the school. I've been worried that because of some changes (like me working, and my parents' income going up) that the amount of the loans would actually be less, which would mean that I wouldn't be able to afford a decent car. Finally today one of my loans came through, and not only was it not less than it was last time, but it was actually about 600 dollars more!! I was so relieved. This means that even if my second loan is a bit less (hopefully it won't be) then I'll still have enough money left over after my apartment gets paid to get a decent car. That is such a relief!

The song above is my new favorite song. The band is actually the band that leads worship at Late Nite. God has blessed my church with an amazing worship team. They just released their first album. I know that God is going to do something amazing with this group of guys. I'm so excited about getting back to school and Late Nite. I miss it so much, I didn't think I would.

Things are going pretty well. There's one thing that I'm having a hard time with (still.) That's my quiet time. I'm not really doing it. And by 'not really' I mean not at all. In fact, I don't know the last time that I did it. I know that I need to be doing it. I really feel different since I've stopped doing it. I can't describe what it feels like, but it's just odd. With that said, I can't motivate myself to do it every day. I just waste my time (for the most part) doing a lot of nonsense and before I know it the day is over. I think I'm going to try doing it tomorrow.

Yep, that's my goal.

I will dance, I will sing, to be mad for my King

Every once in a while I am caught off guard. I have a tendency to take advantage of the beauty of my home. Oftentimes, I don't even give it a second thought. But then there are nights like tonight, when I am reminded of how blessed I am.

Undignified by David Crowder Band

I will dance
I will sing
To be mad
For my King
Nothing Lord
Is hindering
This passion in my soul

Chorus:
And I'll become
Even more undignified than this
Some may say
It's foolishness
But I'll become
Even more undignified than this
Leave my pride
By my side
And I'll become
Even more undignified than this
Some may say
It's foolishness
But I'll become
Even more undignified than this
Than this

La, la, la, la, la, HEY!
La, la, la, la, la
La, la, la, la, la, HEY!
La, la, la, la, la

It's all for You my Lord!

He set me on fire and I am burning alive with His breath in my lungs I am coming undone

"and I cannot hold it in and remained composed. Love's taken over me and so I propose letting myself go. I am letting myself go. You are my joy."
(You Are My Joy by David Crowder Band)

There's something to be said about songs that touch you deep down in your soul. Plus it doesn't hurt when they're fun to sing along to.

On a completely different note, I've been thinking lately about church. For quite a long time now, I've been a little unsatisfied with the church I attend here at home. I can't really say that there's anything "wrong" with it. The worship band is good, the pastor is amazing, and they're doing awesome things in the community. This church strives to be everything that a Biblical church ought to be.

When I think of what I want in a church, this church falls short. I don't feel at home there. I don't feel that I belong. Because it's so large, it's hard to get to know people. When I picture the kind of church that I want to belong to, it's so much smaller. Full of little old ladies that know your name, and actually care. Not that people here don't care, but it's a different kind of caring. I want a church that sings hymns, at least once in a while. Don't get me wrong, I love contemporary worship music, over half of the songs on my ipod are contemporary worship songs. Still, I love the old hymns. I want a church that feels like home. The church that I attend at school is much closer to what I want in a church, but it's still not everything that I'm looking for. I think that when I get back I'm going to try out a couple different churches to see if there's one that does.

Speaking of the church at school, the worship band (which is awesomely talented) is releasing an album in 2 weeks. I really really want to be there for it. Unfortunately it doesn't look like I'm going to be able to and that makes me sad.

I feel so blessed today.

God above all my hopes and fears. I don't care what the world throws at me now. It's gonna be alright!

It's amazing how much I was holding myself back. I didn't even realize it. I am in such awe as to how much God is working in my life. I'm constantly reminded of how blessed I am. I can say that for the first time in a long time, honestly, I am happy. I can't remember feeling like this over the past year. I feel as if I've grown so much, and learned so much. I've made a decision to take an active role in my life. Unfortunately that means making some decisions that, while better for me, are not exactly what I want. For example, my living situation at school. The goal this summer was to make enough money to have a car by August. Unfortunately the job situation here is less than dismal, and while I work here and there, I will probably not have enough money in a little over a month to buy a car. The point of this was going to be that with the money I get back from the school I was going to move into an apartment. Now it's looking like I'm going to have to live on campus (again) in order to be able to afford to buy a car. That is definitely something I am not looking forward to. But I know that I am going to need a car, so I don't have much choice. As much as I dislike the prospect of having to live on campus for another year, I know that it is what's best for me.

I know that I am far from where God wants me to be, but I'm trying to get there. This time I'm not sitting back expecting to just magically "get there." I've discovered that my relationship with Christ is not unlike my relationships with people. It is not a one-sided relationship. I can't expect to be able to do nothing and enjoy all the blessings of it. I have to make an effort. I'm so blessed to have friends who tell me what I need to hear, not what I want to hear.

Hopefully I can stick with it :)

You search much deeper within through the way things appear You're looking into my heart

"comfort is dangerous."

My bible is full of post-its with notes from sermons or my thoughts when I was reading a particular passage. This particular note is stuck on the inside of the cover of my bible. There are a few books (with chapters and verses) jotted down, along with some bullet points. But this phrase is bold and I drew a border around it. Apparently that was the main idea of that particular sermon.

I suppose that this could be applied to my current situation. This isn't to say that anything is going wrong, per se. It's just that things aren't really going. Anywhere. When I pray it feels impersonal. I mean, it's getting better. I'm praying again, so that's an improvement, but it still seems impersonal. I don't know the last time that I did my quiet time, and last night was the first night in a long while that I've spent any time in the Word.

I suppose it's confession time. I have this problem. Rather, it's a jealousy. I'm jealous of those who have this awesome relationship with God. I know quite a few people who are madly in love with Christ and I want that. I want it badly. My problem is this: I don't know how to get it. What's worse is that I hate asking for help. I feel like I should know how to get there on my own. I want to be in that place where I don't have to worry about anything because I know it's taken care of. I want to be so busy and so focused on my relationship with Christ that I don't desire a relationship with another person. I want it to happen because it's supposed to, not because I'm trying to make it happen.

I don't know. I guess I'm just comfortable. I know that I have to make myself uncomfortable but let's face it. That sucks.

It's weird because for the first time in a couple of months, I'm genuinely happy. Things are going well for me, aside from this. I'm not depressed anymore, and I've "come to terms with" a lot of things in my life that I thought were holding me back.

there's a message that I'm sending out like a telegraph to your soul and if I can't bridge this distance stop this heartbreak overload

Do you ever wonder what your life would be like had you made different (or certain) choices?

For example, how would it be if I stayed with a certain person? What if I had gone to a different school? What if I never left this town?

Would I be a different person? Have a different outlook on life?

I'm glad for where I'm at, and who I am. But I wonder if I'd be here, this person, had I made different choices.

I'm sure a lot of people think about this, actually. I wonder if people think about how the choices they're making right now are going to affect their future. I've always said that if I had the ability to change things in my past that I wouldn't, because it would change who I am today. I lied. There are a few things that I'd change if I could go back. I wish I would have had some way of knowing how things would affect me in the future. Not even my life, but me personally, emotionally, psychologically. I've done so many things that damaged me and I wish I could change them. I know that in Christ I'm supposed to be a "new being." But I don't feel new. Sometimes it's hard to remember that the past doesn't matter. I don't know, just been doing a lot of thinking lately. That's probably not good.

from the beginning we're all looking for a happy ending

It's an amazing feeling, finding out that your life isn't ruined.

I shouldn't say ruined. I know that if it had happened, then I would have made the best of it and probably not regretted it. Or maybe I would have. Hard to tell. I'm just glad that I'm not going to find out.

God is amazing.

I'm home for the summer, and honestly I'm relieved. I needed time away from "life." I guess you could say. I mean, life still goes on obviously. But this is like a much needed reprieve from everything going on. I'm going to have a good chance to do a lot of growing this summer. Get a good perspective on life, all that jazz. I do know that I need to go back to school in the fall and work my butt off. The grades that I'm making now are not good enough. Especially because I want to go to law school. I need to make more of an effort in my classes.

Meanwhile, I've discovered that I absolutely love the band Sugarland. I've recently gotten both of their albums and I absolutely love them. So I've been listening to them a lot lately. Just thought I'd add that part, don't really know why.

So I'm making a lot of progress. I'm happy with where I am, and for the first time in a while, I'm happy with where I'm going. I've figured out the source of everything that's been dragging me down. And while I've figured out where I need to be, I haven't figured out how to get there. I suppose knowing is half the battle.

amazing grace how sweet the sound that saved a wretch like me. I once was lost but now am found was blind but now I see

"my chains are gone, I've been set free. My God my Savior has ransomed me. And like a flood, His mercy reigns, unending love. Amazing grace."

I don't understand why it's so hard for me to grasp that concept. Perhaps because human love, the kind of love that I'm used to dealing with, is conditional. How often we hear that someone has "fallen out of love" or done something considered so reprehensible that it is "impossible to love" that person. If you do x, y, and z on my list, I will love you forever, but if you do a, b, and c I can never love you. People wonder why they have to work so hard to fall in love, that's because there's a fear that if you just give it away, people will take advantage of you. And they do.

You would think that, considering the nature of human love, I would be open and accepting of an unconditional, eternal love. Instead, I'm skeptical. I can't grasp the concept, and I don't understand why I'm deserving of such a love.

I could love somebody other than you but I don't want to

It feels like I haven't been here in forever.
It's amazing.
I feel so much lighter, it's such a great feeling.
I'm also feeling better. I have more energy, and am getting back into a regular sleeping pattern. This weekend kinda screwed that up, though. Thursday night I went out with one of my friends for his birthday and we ended up at IHOP at 330, didn't get to sleep til about 6. Same thing Saturday morning because I did Relay For Life. Then on Saturday night, I did a police ride along and didn't get home until almost 4 a.m. so of course didn't fall asleep til about 6 a.m. again. So I'm trying to get out of that. Last night I went to sleep around 4. Woke up at noon. Now instead of sleeping for 12+ hours, I'm only sleeping for 8. Now if only I could make myself go to sleep at an earlier time. But the vitamins are helping, and I'm feeling a lot better. Both physically and otherwise.
I went to Late Nite on Sunday. It was awesome. I realized that part of the problem that I was having was the fact that I hadn't reached out to anyone for help. I was blaming other people, and refusing to acknowledge my role in it. Sunday night was good because I finally reached out to someone for help. I finally admitted to myself that I can't do this on my own, and that I need someone else. It felt really good. Not only did I do that, but for the first time in probably two months I was able to cry. Not just a couple tears, but really crying. It got to the point where I couldn't stop crying. It was such a release. My soul felt so much better after that. Now I just have to stick to it, and not get scared. I realized that I have this thing about allowing people to see when I'm broken. I hate being judged, and I think that admitting to needing help causes people to judge me in a bad way.
So that sums up where I've been for a while. I honestly was not doing well at one point, and made some bad decisions. I was involved with a guy that I should not have been involved with. Finally I got tired of being treated the way that I was, and I was upset with myself for being in that situation. So I mustered up all the strength I had at that point and told him that I deserved better and that I didn't want to see him anymore. Let me tell you something, when you're in one of the lowest points in your life, and struggling with the things that I had been struggling with (as far as relationships go) one of the hardest things to do is end any semblance of a relationship that you have with someone. I wanted so badly to have someone, I missed the intimacy of a relationship. I wanted it so badly, that I settled for someone that under other circumstances I would not have even considered. I'm not proud of it, but it taught me a great lesson.

On a much lighter note, for my birthday I received Pride And Prejudice on DVD! I love it! It even has the ending that the other version I had didn't. I'm so excited!

late nite conversations with God

exhaustion always makes you think.

have you ever noticed that?

last night i was super exhausted, but I just couldn't sleep. Instead I found myself awake at 2 a.m. with thoughts running through my mind. There were so many things that I found myself thinking about. In the end, I ended up seeing things from a really bad perspective, which made me feeling really badly about myself, and making myself out to be this poor, helpless victim. In reality, the things that I get myself into are my fault. One of my good friends told me that until I figure out what I want, things will not get better. She was right. I don't know what I want. I mean, don't get me wrong. I know what I want as far as life goes. I know what I want in the future. I'm trying to figure out what I want right now. I know what I need. But of course, that's different from what I want. I have to figure out how to get past the things that I think I need, and figure out where my heart is. Only then will I be able to see things for what they really are. In reality, things are not that bad. My life is not bad. I have it so much better than I make it seem sometimes.

Help.

I've fallen.

And I can't get back up.

I can't even explain how this song applies

I ain't even gonna to ask you
I can read you like a book
Girl if I ever saw one that's an
I can't believe I did that look
You look like something that the cat drug in
So I won't kick you while you're down
Just let me tell you friend to friend
'Bout a block I've been around

Did you really think last night would last forever
Did you really think that guy hung the moon
Right now you hate yourself 'cause you knew better
But there's no use crying over spilled perfume

There's a big difference between lonely
And lonely for way too long
And I knew when he made his move
You weren't feeling all that strong
So I bit my tongue 'cause I saw it coming
As you danced so close to him
It's two steps forward and three steps back
When a heart is on the mend

Did you really think last night would last forever
Did you really think that guy hung the moon
Right now you hate yourself 'cause you knew better
But there's no use crying over spilled perfume

You fell in a moment of weakness
Well you just got to pull yourself back up
Dry your morning-after tears
'Cause what's done is done

Did you really think last night would last forever
Did you really think that guy hung the moon
Right now you hate yourself 'cause you knew better
But there's no use crying over spilled perfume

No use crying over, no use crying over
No use crying over, spilled perfume

I may hate myself in the morning.

But I'm gonna love you tonight.





(so true)