Everlasting, Your light will shine when all else fails

I feel like I have so much to say, but now that I'm ready to type it all out, I got nothing. Typical. I hate it when that happens.

I also hate it when blogger decides to have "scheduled outages" in different time zones. I never know which time that is here, so with my luck I decide to write out a lengthy post and then the "scheduled outage" starts and I lose it all. I suppose I should do the same things that I now do with my comments, and copy it first so I can save it and post it later. Or just find out how many hours behind (or ahead of) me PDT is. That would probably be the more sensible thing.

I've been sick the past two days. Well, sick yesterday and sick-ish today. I felt well enough to go out and run errands, but that drained all my energy. So I spent the rest of the day at home, relaxing. And playing with the puppy. Of course. She is absolutely adorable and I love her. Love love love her. Unfortunately, I got no school work done. Not for lack of trying. I got out all the stuff I need, books, pens, paper, etc... I just never did anything. Oh well, there's always tomorrow. I'm sure I'll do something because I know there are deadlines. Plus I don't know how I'll be feeling tomorrow, and I just learned that being sick is not an excuse in an online class! Shame.

It's been two days since I've done my quiet time. Yesterday I never really woke up. It was like a perpetual state of sleep, even when I was awake I was groggy. I even slept through Big Brother! That should tell you the state I was in! Luckily, I already knew what was going to happen, so there was no surprise there. This is the last week, so things will be interesting. No more finding out things ahead of time! Kinda sad, but kinda exciting! I have no excuse for not doing my quiet time today.

Speaking of, I have to say I'm pretty disappointed in my devotional journal. It's by Beth Moore and it's called Praying God's Word Devotional Journal. I bought it online so I didn't really have a chance to get a good look at it, just what Amazon had on their inside view thing. I like(d) that it had a small excerpt on how to apply scripture to life. Or at least that's what I thought it was. I also liked that it had a margin for writing some notes. Then there were quite a few verses. It turns out that this devotional does not encourage study of the scripture at all. It seems to me that it is more geared toward using Moore's book Praying God's Word. And while the verses apply to the small excerpt, they really don't do much else. The way they are used is as a prayer. There is no passage given, nothing that encourages use of this journal as an aid to Scripture. Rather it seems to be meant for use as a substitute. There is no "meat" to it. I do not recommend it to anyone looking for a substantial devotional aid. I'm halfway through it, so I feel that I have really gotten a sense of what it is about. Also, there are times when I open it up, and just feel like "ugh. this doesn't even apply to me" or "you know, I feel like I need something more than this today." I realized that the mistake I had made when buying it was not researching it and finding out what other people had gotten out of it, problems they had had, and whether or not other people had found it helpful. So this is what I will be doing before buying my next devotional.

On that note, there has been something that has been on my mind for a few days. It has been swirling around in my mind, exactly how I want it to come out, and how exactly to get the emotion of it across. The other night I discovered a song on my ipod that I knew was there, but had never really paid attention to. I recommend it for anyone looking for an amazing worship song. It's called "The Stand" by Hillsong. At the time, the lyrics were just so powerful to me. It honestly became a spontaneous moment of worship. I shut my lights off, put my computer on hibernate and my cell phone on silent. I sat in the dark, with this song on repeat and just sat in the presence of God. I lifted up all the things that I had been struggling with. I lifted up all the praise for all the blessings. I cried, I felt joy, I felt pain. I felt clean. It was the most amazing moment that I can remember. It occurred to me that this was the joy that was promised to me. It was this overwhelming feeling that made me want to cry. But not out of misery or pain. Literally tears of joy. I had felt this before, but never recognized it. I felt God as clearly as I feel the keys on my keyboard. It was that powerful. I love those moments. There are few moments of worship I have experienced so profoundly. Some of the greatest moments of worship at church can't even touch this experience.

How do you top that? What can you say after something like that. For me, worship is such an insanely personal thing that sometimes it's so hard for me to openly worship, even at church. I feel as if I am being watched, judged. I know that it shouldn't matter, and a lot of times it doesn't. I have come so far from that, where those moments are so rare, yet they still happen. I know that it's irrational, and even if it were true and I was being watched I shouldn't care. But sometimes I find it hard to lose myself in the worship.

I suppose this is a good post for confessions? Seems like it. Even if it's not, that's what you're getting. I am a terrible accountability partner. I wish I knew how to be better. I can barely keep myself accountable. My quiet time is scattered, and at times a mess. I'm so worried about not pushing buttons or stepping on toes that I am afraid to approach topics that I know are testy. I ask basic questions, but not in depth ones. I wouldn't even know where to begin. And considering that I feel worship is personal, I feel awkward talking about stuff I'm going through. I feel weird opening up, as odd as that sounds. I feel equally as awkward discussing things in my spiritual life. I guess you could say I feel like a poser. As if I'm playing a part, or perhaps when you're in a discussion in which you know nothing about the topic, but you speak as if you do and pray that no one notices that you're clueless. Sometimes this is how I feel when discussing my faith. I feel like I'm an impostor and I pray that people don't discover me. It's strange. And I feel that it stunts my growth and my relationships.

Apparently the "scheduled outage" starts in 10 minutes, so I suppose I should post this before hand. (copying just in case!) I would be upset if I lost this!