Okay, so here's the deal. I feel SOOOOO much better since finding out when I'm going back. I'm super excited. Anyway.
I have a lot to do when I get back. I have one day to move all my stuff in, and the next day I have a leadership retreat for the BCM. Then I'm pretty sure I start work that weekend. And classes the following monday. But it's okay!! cuz I have that friday free, so I have a whole day to hang out with my friends! I'm so excited about that. And that sunday I get to go back to my church. I'm looking forward to that. But mostly I'm looking forward to seeing my friends.
ahhhh I'm so excited!!!!
Okay. enough about how excited I am.
Thursday, June 29, 2006
Tuesday, June 27, 2006
Boys and girls, we have a serious problem in America.
Television commercials.
Seriously. What is the deal? You watch 6 minutes of a television show, and 5 minutes of commercials. This is ridiculous. By the time the show comes back on, your mind is fried from the 30 commercials you just watched, and you can't remember what just happened. Oh the insanity.
Television commercials.
Seriously. What is the deal? You watch 6 minutes of a television show, and 5 minutes of commercials. This is ridiculous. By the time the show comes back on, your mind is fried from the 30 commercials you just watched, and you can't remember what just happened. Oh the insanity.
God will lift up your head
So things are looking up. I now know when classes start. So I can look forward to going back and I kinda have a sense as to when that will be. I'm excited.
I'm even more excited because I had a real conversation with my mom yesterday. It wasn't awkward, and I didn't have the overwhelming desire to curl up in a ball and let the earth swallow me. Perhaps because I was driving. But it's more likely because for the first time in a long time, it didn't feel like she was lecturing me. She talked to me about her day, and I got to clear up some confusion about what exactly my life was like at school. She seemed to be under the impression that I didn't have many friends and I just sat around all day. Which is far from the truth. But that's not the point. We had a real conversation. And it was good. I also talked to her about what was going on with the church, and how I felt about it. I told her that I didn't think I was going to continue volunteering in the nursery. She actually said it was probably a good idea.
Yup, things are definitely looking up.
I'm even more excited because I had a real conversation with my mom yesterday. It wasn't awkward, and I didn't have the overwhelming desire to curl up in a ball and let the earth swallow me. Perhaps because I was driving. But it's more likely because for the first time in a long time, it didn't feel like she was lecturing me. She talked to me about her day, and I got to clear up some confusion about what exactly my life was like at school. She seemed to be under the impression that I didn't have many friends and I just sat around all day. Which is far from the truth. But that's not the point. We had a real conversation. And it was good. I also talked to her about what was going on with the church, and how I felt about it. I told her that I didn't think I was going to continue volunteering in the nursery. She actually said it was probably a good idea.
Yup, things are definitely looking up.
Saturday, June 24, 2006
life is good
ahh.... life ees gooood.
Yup, pretty much. My parents are gone for the weekend. Relieves a little bit of pressure. I don't really know why. But it's kinda like an escape. It's nice. They wentt to Naples to visit my aunt. I have to go pick my sister up from her date in a couple hours. I'm watching 13 going on 30. It's a cute movie. I've seen it before. And it's raining outside. I absolutely love it. Except my sister took my camera on her date, so no pictures :( But it's all gravy. I kinda forgot that I was supposed to be volunteering at the church tonight. Oh well. I'm having issues with this church. But I'm gonna try to make it in the morning. mm leftover pizza. of the meatlover variety. So today consisted of a lot of running around. walmart this morning, then home. then to the mall to drop my sister off. then to walmart in a different town to do some quick shopping. then to the mall for a video game. Then to home depot for a pool thermometer. Then a gas station, and then publix. The only thing I hate about driving is old people. seriously, who keeps giving them licenses?? gah. They're almost as bad as people on cell phones in big trucks. dang. there's only half an hour left in this movie. bwahaha. I love how this movie makes random 80s references. It's great. oooooooooh. mark ruffalo is hot. Ok. I think at this point I'm just rambling. I quit.
Yup, pretty much. My parents are gone for the weekend. Relieves a little bit of pressure. I don't really know why. But it's kinda like an escape. It's nice. They wentt to Naples to visit my aunt. I have to go pick my sister up from her date in a couple hours. I'm watching 13 going on 30. It's a cute movie. I've seen it before. And it's raining outside. I absolutely love it. Except my sister took my camera on her date, so no pictures :( But it's all gravy. I kinda forgot that I was supposed to be volunteering at the church tonight. Oh well. I'm having issues with this church. But I'm gonna try to make it in the morning. mm leftover pizza. of the meatlover variety. So today consisted of a lot of running around. walmart this morning, then home. then to the mall to drop my sister off. then to walmart in a different town to do some quick shopping. then to the mall for a video game. Then to home depot for a pool thermometer. Then a gas station, and then publix. The only thing I hate about driving is old people. seriously, who keeps giving them licenses?? gah. They're almost as bad as people on cell phones in big trucks. dang. there's only half an hour left in this movie. bwahaha. I love how this movie makes random 80s references. It's great. oooooooooh. mark ruffalo is hot. Ok. I think at this point I'm just rambling. I quit.
Monday, June 19, 2006
So I don't know where to start.
I have two brothers that I've never met. At least, the ones that I know about. And an entire family that I've never met.
But.
I don't have any desire to get to know them. However, I DO have an entire family on my stepdad's side. And I'm closer to most of them than to my mom's family.
I don't know.
I never really gave much thought to this whole thing. I don't know why I am now.
I have two brothers that I've never met. At least, the ones that I know about. And an entire family that I've never met.
But.
I don't have any desire to get to know them. However, I DO have an entire family on my stepdad's side. And I'm closer to most of them than to my mom's family.
I don't know.
I never really gave much thought to this whole thing. I don't know why I am now.
Sunday, June 18, 2006
happy father's day, dad
It's 2 a.m. on Sunday, June 18th.
It occurs to me that it's Father's Day, and it got me thinking about my own father. And how lucky I am, because I have a great dad. He has put up with so much from me. We've seriously been through a lot. And he went into it willingly. He met my mom when I was younger. I was probably 5 or 6. They got married when I was 7. 14 years. Not only has he done a lot for me, but he's done a lot for my sister and brother. Though they haven't put him through nearly as much as I have. There was the incident when I was 13, and the community service after that. There were the fights all through high school. Not your typical parent-child fights. Yelling, hitting, slamming doors. And they just took it. My parents never abused me. Au contrair, I think I abused my parents. Mostly my dad. He took the brunt of the beating. But he never left. He got better as I got older. When I started having sex, he was cool about it. He didn't get angry. When Jared left, it was his idea to talk to him. For me. He always loved me. Even though he didn't have to. When I kept having sex, he was still cool about it. He even went as far as helping me stay safe. He stayed through every fight, every curse word, every time I left the house in anger. And he didn't have to. But he did. And now he's helping me get through school. And he doesn't do it because he has to. He does it because he loves me. I can't begin to describe how tumultuous my relationship is with my parents. It would take days to go through everything that we've been through. I still don't understand why he chose to put up with everything. Maybe I never will. He passed up the chance to have his own biological children. Instead he got stuck with us. I wonder if he's ever regretted it.
It occurs to me that it's Father's Day, and it got me thinking about my own father. And how lucky I am, because I have a great dad. He has put up with so much from me. We've seriously been through a lot. And he went into it willingly. He met my mom when I was younger. I was probably 5 or 6. They got married when I was 7. 14 years. Not only has he done a lot for me, but he's done a lot for my sister and brother. Though they haven't put him through nearly as much as I have. There was the incident when I was 13, and the community service after that. There were the fights all through high school. Not your typical parent-child fights. Yelling, hitting, slamming doors. And they just took it. My parents never abused me. Au contrair, I think I abused my parents. Mostly my dad. He took the brunt of the beating. But he never left. He got better as I got older. When I started having sex, he was cool about it. He didn't get angry. When Jared left, it was his idea to talk to him. For me. He always loved me. Even though he didn't have to. When I kept having sex, he was still cool about it. He even went as far as helping me stay safe. He stayed through every fight, every curse word, every time I left the house in anger. And he didn't have to. But he did. And now he's helping me get through school. And he doesn't do it because he has to. He does it because he loves me. I can't begin to describe how tumultuous my relationship is with my parents. It would take days to go through everything that we've been through. I still don't understand why he chose to put up with everything. Maybe I never will. He passed up the chance to have his own biological children. Instead he got stuck with us. I wonder if he's ever regretted it.
all I can say is that my life is pretty plain
I like watching the puddles gather rain.
I don't know what the deal is. I want to write, but the words won't come. I don't really know what to do. Or say, for that matter. I feel like I'm burned out. But I don't do anything. So I don't know how I could be burned out. I wonder if it's possible to be stressed due to inactivity. because I think I am. I guess that's all I've got. I quit.
I don't know what the deal is. I want to write, but the words won't come. I don't really know what to do. Or say, for that matter. I feel like I'm burned out. But I don't do anything. So I don't know how I could be burned out. I wonder if it's possible to be stressed due to inactivity. because I think I am. I guess that's all I've got. I quit.
Tuesday, June 13, 2006
ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! it's raining!! I love it! I desperately want to take pictures, but it's 1 a.m. and I can't. Because, well, it's raining outside and dark. No light of the moon to take pictures by. But I can hear the rain, and I'm loving it! If I can figure out why the outside light isn't working, and how to fix it, I might open the door and have a black while I watch the rain. We shall see. I guess if that doesn't work, I'll just play with photoshop.
I quit.
I quit.
Saturday, June 10, 2006
It occurs to me that I can't remember the last time I actually read a book. I don't count Captivating because it took me quite a while to read it. I only read a chapter per week for like a month and a half. Then I didn't read it at all for about a month. Then I finished it in one night. So yeah. I think I shall find my local library and get a card. I feel like my brain is turning to mush. I feel like I'm getting no mental stimulation whatsoever.
Physical stimulation is another story. I love going to the gym. I love the way I feel when I get done. I even love that my muscles are sore the day after. Hmm. I also love the freedom that this blog gives me.
I love that no one at school knows about it. Even if they did, they wouldn't know it was me. It gives me the freedom to vent about situations without worrying about drama. And let me tell you, some of the people I know are full of it. Drama, that is.
Hmm, I just remembered that I have a few books I haven't read. And I know my mom has quite a few books by Nicholas Sparks. He's a really good author. Maybe I'll read those first.
Physical stimulation is another story. I love going to the gym. I love the way I feel when I get done. I even love that my muscles are sore the day after. Hmm. I also love the freedom that this blog gives me.
I love that no one at school knows about it. Even if they did, they wouldn't know it was me. It gives me the freedom to vent about situations without worrying about drama. And let me tell you, some of the people I know are full of it. Drama, that is.
Hmm, I just remembered that I have a few books I haven't read. And I know my mom has quite a few books by Nicholas Sparks. He's a really good author. Maybe I'll read those first.
Friday, June 09, 2006
It's not every day you have a conversation about boob jobs in the drive thru at mcdonalds with your 16 year old sister.
And yeah.
Did a little bonding with my sister. We went to the arcade and played DDR. That was fun. Earlier we went to the gym. It was fun. Did some weight training. Checked out the cute guys. you know, gym stuff :)
After the arcade we decided to go to the drive through. The guy on the radio was talking about giving away plastic surgery. So I was talking about how I should get breast surgery, as a joke. It was funny though.
Yup, so that's what happened today. Before the gym, I didn't really do anything. I showered. But that was pretty much it.
Now I'm watching Along Came Polly. My shoulders are kinda sore. Shocking, I know.
So my dad's cousin from Germany is visiting my aunt in Naples for two weeks. Apparently my dad has invited them to stay at our house for a few nights. I'm not exactly excited about this. It will be strange. My dad said she's like 6 years older than me, and if this works out then I would have a place to stay if I ever wanted to go to Germany. So I guess that'd be cool. But I dunno.
The lady who sings the possibilities song on the campbell's soup commercial sounds like macy gray. And she annoys me. Anyhoo.
I think I'm gonna go see if we have some ice cream. There's a commercial.
Woohoo sherbet. It's lime, from winn dixie. And I took a picture of my dad sleeping. Cuz, well, that's funny.
Gah. My remote stopped working for some reason. I had to reprogram it. And that required turning off the tv. So I had to wait for a commercial. But now it works again. So yay for that.
I guess that's all I've got to say for now. Maybe I'll make another survey.
Or maybe I'll try writing in a little bit.
We'll see.
And yeah.
Did a little bonding with my sister. We went to the arcade and played DDR. That was fun. Earlier we went to the gym. It was fun. Did some weight training. Checked out the cute guys. you know, gym stuff :)
After the arcade we decided to go to the drive through. The guy on the radio was talking about giving away plastic surgery. So I was talking about how I should get breast surgery, as a joke. It was funny though.
Yup, so that's what happened today. Before the gym, I didn't really do anything. I showered. But that was pretty much it.
Now I'm watching Along Came Polly. My shoulders are kinda sore. Shocking, I know.
So my dad's cousin from Germany is visiting my aunt in Naples for two weeks. Apparently my dad has invited them to stay at our house for a few nights. I'm not exactly excited about this. It will be strange. My dad said she's like 6 years older than me, and if this works out then I would have a place to stay if I ever wanted to go to Germany. So I guess that'd be cool. But I dunno.
The lady who sings the possibilities song on the campbell's soup commercial sounds like macy gray. And she annoys me. Anyhoo.
I think I'm gonna go see if we have some ice cream. There's a commercial.
Woohoo sherbet. It's lime, from winn dixie. And I took a picture of my dad sleeping. Cuz, well, that's funny.
Gah. My remote stopped working for some reason. I had to reprogram it. And that required turning off the tv. So I had to wait for a commercial. But now it works again. So yay for that.
I guess that's all I've got to say for now. Maybe I'll make another survey.
Or maybe I'll try writing in a little bit.
We'll see.
So I don't really know what my problem is. I have this really bad habit of being interested in guys who are no good for me. Or not interested. This whole thing with Chris pisses me off. But I can't be pissed at him. This whole history with him is pretty much my fault. He always leaves the decision up to me. And it's always me who says yes. Or I ask him if he wants to hang out. And I always know where it's going. And I always know where it's not going. So why does it make me giddy to hear from him? I guess it's good that he joined the army. I mean, there are better things he could have done with a college degree, but whatever. It's good for me that he's joined the army. And it helps that he's like an hour away. Cuz that definitely eliminates the possibility of hanging out in the hot tub at 3 a.m. Or watching family guy. ya know. I guess it's a good thing that it doesn't make me sad that he joined the army. does that make me a bad person?
Anyway. family guy is on, speaking of. this one was on earlier. Rachel was watching it. But I was watching Law and Order. So it gives me something to watch now, while I talk to Chris.
My layout finally stuck. That makes me happy. I guess it just took a little while to take effect. I think I'm gonna try writing again soon. But not tonight. I don't know how much longer I'll be awake. Apparently tomorrow I have a session with my personal trainer. We joined a gym (yay!) and I guess as part of it we get a few sessions with a personal trainer who'll help us set up a routine. So I guess that'll be good. We'll see. But I have to do laundry. And I want to lay out for a little while. And then I need to shower before the gym.
Ryan invited me to a LAN on Sunday. I don't think I'll go. First, it's at some guy's house that I don't know. Second, I won't know anyone there besides Ryan. And third, I pretty much suck at Halo. And his friends are like hardcore about it. I'm pretty sure the guy who owned the last place they were at threatened anyone who cheated with a sword. And I think he was serious. So yeah. Besides, Natalie might be there. And I really kinda don't want to deal with her right now. So I dunno. I probably won't go.
Anyway. That's pretty much it. I quit.
Anyway. family guy is on, speaking of. this one was on earlier. Rachel was watching it. But I was watching Law and Order. So it gives me something to watch now, while I talk to Chris.
My layout finally stuck. That makes me happy. I guess it just took a little while to take effect. I think I'm gonna try writing again soon. But not tonight. I don't know how much longer I'll be awake. Apparently tomorrow I have a session with my personal trainer. We joined a gym (yay!) and I guess as part of it we get a few sessions with a personal trainer who'll help us set up a routine. So I guess that'll be good. We'll see. But I have to do laundry. And I want to lay out for a little while. And then I need to shower before the gym.
Ryan invited me to a LAN on Sunday. I don't think I'll go. First, it's at some guy's house that I don't know. Second, I won't know anyone there besides Ryan. And third, I pretty much suck at Halo. And his friends are like hardcore about it. I'm pretty sure the guy who owned the last place they were at threatened anyone who cheated with a sword. And I think he was serious. So yeah. Besides, Natalie might be there. And I really kinda don't want to deal with her right now. So I dunno. I probably won't go.
Anyway. That's pretty much it. I quit.
Thursday, June 08, 2006
Okay. Here's the deal.
Ashley is really annoying.
Not in that way that's endearing. Not in that way that you could put up with them just for a little bit.
She feels it necessary to give unsolicited advice. Apparently she's an expert or something. And while I appreciate that she cares, I don't appreciate that she tries to force opinions on me. She tries to tell me what's best for me. She told me that she doesn't think I'm ready to date, that I'm not mature enough.
And then, to make matters worse. She reads my xanga, and then brings things up that are none of her business in front of other people. If I had wanted her to know things, I would have told her. It was none of her business to ask me about it.
So now, I see that she's reading my xanga on a regular basis. And she calls after every single time. Not hours after, right after. Which means, she wants to talk to me about what she read.
So yeah. That's why I don't like Ashley.
Not to mention she's just really annoying. And by annoying I mean clingy. She thinks that because she's dating the band leader that she's automatically in a position to tell people how to live their lives. It's especially bad because no one even knows who she is. the only reason she even comes to the BCM is because of her boyfriend.
ahhhh. So then she IMs me, and says "I don't know what I did to make you mad but I hope you have a good summer and I hope you got that job...."
gah.
people piss me off.
Ashley is really annoying.
Not in that way that's endearing. Not in that way that you could put up with them just for a little bit.
She feels it necessary to give unsolicited advice. Apparently she's an expert or something. And while I appreciate that she cares, I don't appreciate that she tries to force opinions on me. She tries to tell me what's best for me. She told me that she doesn't think I'm ready to date, that I'm not mature enough.
And then, to make matters worse. She reads my xanga, and then brings things up that are none of her business in front of other people. If I had wanted her to know things, I would have told her. It was none of her business to ask me about it.
So now, I see that she's reading my xanga on a regular basis. And she calls after every single time. Not hours after, right after. Which means, she wants to talk to me about what she read.
So yeah. That's why I don't like Ashley.
Not to mention she's just really annoying. And by annoying I mean clingy. She thinks that because she's dating the band leader that she's automatically in a position to tell people how to live their lives. It's especially bad because no one even knows who she is. the only reason she even comes to the BCM is because of her boyfriend.
ahhhh. So then she IMs me, and says "I don't know what I did to make you mad but I hope you have a good summer and I hope you got that job...."
gah.
people piss me off.
Monday, June 05, 2006
I haven't titled this one yet...
wordless communications
emotions unspoken
deafening in the silence
fear gaps the chasm
paralyzed
tears mask the pain
relief floods the heart
a sigh of surrender
nothing left but prayer
emotions unspoken
deafening in the silence
fear gaps the chasm
paralyzed
tears mask the pain
relief floods the heart
a sigh of surrender
nothing left but prayer
Sunday, June 04, 2006
so to be honest.... until the other day, I'd completely forgotten about this blog.
I wrote a new poem the other day.
But it's kinda depressing.
I dunno.
I'll post it as another blog.
Though I doubt anyone reads this.
Leave me comments if you do, please.
umm.
I think I'm gonna start using this more.
Maybe more than xanga?
I don't know. ashley reads my xanga. and that bothers me. I don't like her. I don't want her reading it. But it's online, so I can't prevent it. I did what I could. She can't subscribe to my blog, she can't leave me comments, and she has to sign in just to look at it, so at least I know she's reading.
It's nice to know that the only people reading this are the people that I want to read it. Other than that, it's just another anonymous blog.
But anyway, I doubt that the only person that has this link is still reading it anyway. so I'm probably anonymous to everyone.
So, new stuff.
I went to the gym today. It felt so good. I hadn't worked out since I don't know when.
I want to go fishing.
Ryan's having a LAN party on sunday. He wants me to come. Maybe I'll show up for a little while. But I don't know. We'll see, I guess.
Umm yeah. I guess that's all for now.
Expect more to come.
I wrote a new poem the other day.
But it's kinda depressing.
I dunno.
I'll post it as another blog.
Though I doubt anyone reads this.
Leave me comments if you do, please.
umm.
I think I'm gonna start using this more.
Maybe more than xanga?
I don't know. ashley reads my xanga. and that bothers me. I don't like her. I don't want her reading it. But it's online, so I can't prevent it. I did what I could. She can't subscribe to my blog, she can't leave me comments, and she has to sign in just to look at it, so at least I know she's reading.
It's nice to know that the only people reading this are the people that I want to read it. Other than that, it's just another anonymous blog.
But anyway, I doubt that the only person that has this link is still reading it anyway. so I'm probably anonymous to everyone.
So, new stuff.
I went to the gym today. It felt so good. I hadn't worked out since I don't know when.
I want to go fishing.
Ryan's having a LAN party on sunday. He wants me to come. Maybe I'll show up for a little while. But I don't know. We'll see, I guess.
Umm yeah. I guess that's all for now.
Expect more to come.
