You never let go through the calm and through the storm.

So it's 5 a.m. and I can't sleep. I made the mistake of drinking coffee around 11:30. Now I'm wide awake, though I'm starting to drift towards being sleepy. I really should be studying, but I just can't bring myself to do it. The test is in 13 hours. I know most of the material. I've been keeping up with the reading, just not so much with going to the class. I think I may actually be pulling an all-nighter. Which is weird, because I haven't done this in a very long time. I guess it doesn't help that I meant to take a 20 min. nap around 3:30 and it turned into a 4 and a half hour nap.

So, I've been working on a lot lately. I'm feeling so much better about stuff. I'm learning how to let go of the need to control things. I'm also learning patience, which I think is one of the hardest struggles for me. I'm so used to things happening at warped speed. This patience thing really takes a lot of work. So far it's been worth it, though. It's definitely a new experience.

It hasn't been working for my classes, though. I'm really disappointed with myself about that. There are two classes that I don't go to as often as I should. There was even that one week where I only went to two of my 5 classes. Last week there was a day where I went to two classes that weren't even mine, and I didn't go to mine.

Wednesday I have an appointment with my adviser to find out when I'm supposed to be graduating and what I have left to take. I just hope that she's actually helpful this time.

I'm so excited about this week!!!! Despite the test, it's gonna be a great week! Friday is the concert!! I thought I was going to have to miss my Friday night Bible study because of it, but I don't have to because it's going to be on Saturday night. The reason is that this week we have a missionary as our speaker. It should be really interesting.

I was able to have lunch with a friend today, and that was pretty awesome. We haven't ever really hung out like that, just the two of us. That's another thing I'm working on, is expanding my circle of female friends. I really want to surround myself with Godly women. There are a few girls who I really would like to have in my circle. The problem is that I don't know them very well and feel uncomfortable approaching them. They have their friends, and I hate feeling like I'm intruding. Again with the breaking out of my comfort zone. Plus, I'd just like to have more female friends period.

Anyway. I think that's enough rambling for 5 a.m. I started this at 4:55 and it's now 5:25.
I should sleep. Or study. Or something.

It starts in my toes, makes me crinkle my nose

love is a rhythm of two hearts beating, pounding out a message steady and true. talk to me baby, tell me what you're feeling. I know what love is, what's it to you?

How is it already Sunday? Where did the time go? I haven't even been that busy! Actually, I dropped the ball a lot this week. I skipped the majority of my classes. I feel a lot better now. I'm not feeling so restless anymore. The random road trip to see a friend helped that a lot.

Anyway. It's Sunday. I can't believe how fast time is going by. I'm very proud of myself though! The past few weeks I've always had someone to go to church with, but this weekend I didn't. I was a bit worried that because I didn't have someone to keep me accountable that I wouldn't go. But I did go! I went to the earlier service and then to Sunday School. I was pretty happy about that. Then afterwards I was going to call one of my friends and see if she wanted to come over and hang out and study or whatever. I haven't seen her since I moved back, but apparently she went to visit her parents. I suppose that's good because I just remembered that my prof. posted an extra credit assignment that has to be emailed by midnight. So now I have time to work on that.

why do we break the promises we make? are we living for ourselves?

So this weekend has been rather low-key for me. I spent yesterday cleaning. My apartment is spotless and my bedroom is immaculate. I vacuumed and swept. It looks good. Today I decided to write on my closet doors (which are mirrored) with red and black dry erase markers. Right now I have 5 Bible verses written on them. I like the way it looks. I think I'll keep them. I'm sure that one day I'll look and people have written on it, too, but whatever. I have these verses:

Those who sow in tears shall reap in joy - Psalm 126:5 (which is my current favorite verse)

I waited patiently for the Lord; and He inclined to me, and heard my cry. - Psalm 40:1

God is faithful. - 1 Corinthians 1:9

Therefore, let your light shine before men that they may see your good works and glorify your Father who is in Heaven. - Matthew 5:16

Let us therefore come boldly before the throne of grace that we may obtain mercy and find grace to help in time of need. - Hebrews 4:16

I suppose I should go work on that extra credit assignment now.

Joy

Those who sow in tears
Shall reap in joy
- Psalm 126:5

How true that appears to me now. All the tears I've cried are worth the joy that I have. I can't say that my life is perfect or that I'm always happy, but I can say that I'm experiencing joy in a way that I never have before. I'm working (albeit slowly) on giving up control of things in my life. It's definitely one of the hardest lessons I've ever had to learn, but it's so rewarding. I worry about so much less than I used to.

I think that I had point when I started this, and I've forgotten what it was.

I need to go grocery shopping. I need this guy to call me back about a job. That's another thing that I'm trying to trust God with. I'm also trying to make more girlfriends. As of right now I only really have 3. None of which are friends with each other. I could really use a support group, plus I'd also like to help out other girls who are in the same situation. I might also lead a Bible study. That could be interesting.

That's all I've got for now, I suppose.

All I need is the air I breathe, and a place to rest my head.

Study breaks are always productive. I've done a lot of studying this weekend. I'm pretty happy about that. I need to be studying this much if I want to get good grades in my classes.

This weekend was pretty eventful, aside from the studying, too. I think I'm figuring out how to balance studying enough and being able to have a social life. Friday night I got all dressed up and went out with Caro. We went and saw 27 Dresses. It was really good. Much better than I expected. Definitely one I want to buy when it comes out on DVD. Then Saturday morning we woke up and made pancakes. Caro left to hang out with her family for a few hours and I studied. Then we headed over to another friend's house and went in the hot tub, and hung out for a while. Then Sunday morning we went to the early service (well, technically the middle service because there's an 8 o'clock service that we don't go to) and then to Sunday School. After, we went to Arby's for lunch. We studied for a bit after that. Then Caro left to go hang out with some people and watch the Superbowl. I picked up some groceries, Chris came over, we made pasta and watched random bits of the game. We also got a lot of studying done, so that was good.

This morning I woke up, and was all freaked out because I thought it was Tuesday. I was very confused. But then I realized it was Monday. I relaxed for a few hours. I called the Plasma Donation place, and I will be going there tomorrow morning to donate some. I also emailed my resume to my mom and had her fax it to a law firm that is looking for a part time file clerk. I'm hoping that works out. I turned down the nanny position because the lady only wanted me 5 hours a week, and then random days here and there. I wouldn't have been making enough money for it to be worth the driving.

So this morning, Chris and Caro came over and we've been studying pretty much all day. I'm taking a break now, because I feel like my brain is about to riot. I should get back to that soon.

That restless feeling is creeping back in. I'm trying to work on relying on God instead of doing something ridiculous when I get that feeling.

Hey! You're the one that I've been looking for. And I've found You here.

I love cloudy days. Especially days that involve thrift stores and new Chinese restaurants with friends. I even went to class this morning! Granted, it was only for an hour, but I got everything I needed out of it. Then Caroline and I went downtown to go to a thrift store. We met up with another friend to go back to where we had come from and had Chinese for lunch. It was good. Now we're just sitting around, listening to music, and computing. Trying to figure out plans for tonight. We'll probably just end up staying here. Too bad my apartment complex doesn't have a hot tub. I'm really in the mood for that. Oh well, I guess it'll just have to wait until tomorrow.

Things are going so well! I'm feeling so much better about so many things. I think the best thing, though, is that I've opened myself to meeting new people. It used to be that I hated expanding my little circle. Part of me was worried about what people would think if they really got to know me, and the other part of me was freaked out that maybe they would be weird. That's one of the things that I've been trying to get over, and so far it's working. On top of that, I've decided not to abandon old friendships. That's been a good thing, too. Plus, I've been going to Late Nite, and the Friday night Bible study. I've also decided that I will probably continue to be involved with the college ministry.

I think the biggest difference is having my own apartment. I'm actually able to have people over! We cook here at least twice a week. This week alone I've had people over almost every night. I love it.

Anyway, I'm out like a cake at a birthday party. Places to go!