List things that you want to say to people, but never will.
Don't say who they are.
Never discuss it again.
No particular order.
Sometimes I wonder why I'm friends with you. You can be one of the most annoying people that I've ever met.
I think you're horrible at what you do, and if I had my way you wouldn't be doing it. You're too judgemental.
I wish you'd do one of two things, either contact me and get it over with. Or move on.
Sometimes you're really shallow, and it gets kind of aggravating.
I wish we spent more time together. And I feel really bad because even though I think you're great, I'm shallow and I said some really mean things about you a while back just to fit in.
I let what other people said about you influence my opinion of you, and now I wish I could take it back.
I was really hurt when you rejected me, even though I acted like it was no big deal.
I don't think you have a chance.
Tuesday, February 20, 2007
these days the stars ain't out of reach
Someone that I know always says that in the end we always go back to the beginning. To me, that is such a complex statement. It has so many meanings. The thing that I always think of, though, rings true. At least for me. It always seems that when I fall, I go back to the way that I once was. I go back to the things that I used to do, the people that I used to know. Someone once told me (or maybe it's just what I once thought) that I do this because it's who I really am and I can't change that, I can't get away from it. Even if I want to so badly. I don't know. Sometimes I wonder if it's true, if I'm destined to fall in the same way every time. I'm extremely frustrated with myself. Things were going so well. I was doing so well. But I always go back to that place, that person. I don't even want to be that person. At least most of the time. I don't know. It seems like I'm rambling and not making much sense.
I've been perusing other blogs lately. It seems as if everyone else writes their blogs for other people. As if they're writing for an audience. I think mine is mostly for myself, I write to clear my head. To put things in perspective. Perhaps that's why a lot of people don't read mine? Not that I mind, don't get me wrong. I don't plan on changing my blog. If it weren't for this, I would probably have anxiety attacks more often. Just an observation.
I've been perusing other blogs lately. It seems as if everyone else writes their blogs for other people. As if they're writing for an audience. I think mine is mostly for myself, I write to clear my head. To put things in perspective. Perhaps that's why a lot of people don't read mine? Not that I mind, don't get me wrong. I don't plan on changing my blog. If it weren't for this, I would probably have anxiety attacks more often. Just an observation.
Tuesday, February 13, 2007
the world is turning in front of me and sometimes it's hard for me to let go
So in my quiet time yesterday, something dawned on me. I meant to write about it last night, but I was just so tired!
So my devotional is by Beth Moore and it's called Praying God's Word: Devotional Journal. I know that there's a book that it's supposed to go with, but meh. I didn't want to read the book, I just wanted the journal. So that's what I got.
Anyway, yesterday's devotional was called "Much to Teach" and she has this to say: Perhaps one of your strongholds is an addiction to a certain substance or behavior (hahaha God just kicked me in the face when I read that). Hear me: God can set you free. But what He requires from you is time, trust, and cooperation. The immense power of an addiction is rarely broken in a day. You see, God has as much desire to teach you as well as overwhelm you. He could show us His power by instantaneously setting us free from all desire for our stronghold. But few things beyond our salvation are "once and for all." If He delivered us instantly, we would see His greatness once, but we would soon forget. We'd risk going back. On the other hand, if God teaches us victory in Christ day by day, we live in the constant awareness of His greatness and sufficiency.
Let me tell you, that was a blow. Here I had been expecting God to just automatically take away my desire. It hadn't occurred to me that perhaps God was taking it away, just not automatically. It never occurred to me that the Teacher wanted to actually teach me. In that moment it occurred to me that this desire to go to clubs and go out to bars is an addiction. And for a long time, I thought that the only addictive part was the drinking, and I figured that as long as I didn't drink when I went out, I'd be okay. Aha! How wrong was I? That was a lie Satan was telling me. It had nothing to do with alcohol. I stopped drinking when I went out, and I didn't feel any better. The way I acted was the problem. Here's the kicker for me. I stopped telling people that I was doing it, because I knew what their reactions would be. GUILT? you bet. I didn't realize it, though. Talk about a kick in the pants.
I'm nervous though. I feel as if I can't trust myself to make the right choice. I've already proven that I give in to temptation if I'm having an especially rough time. Sometimes I can be strong and avoid temptation. Other times, especially if I'm stressed or having a hard time with something, the temptation is too much. I tell myself "this is the last time." Well the last three times have been the "last time." So where did that get me?
I think, though, that yesterday's devotion really made a difference for me. I realized that it is possible to resist the temptation, even in the hard times. I just have to work extra hard.
So my devotional is by Beth Moore and it's called Praying God's Word: Devotional Journal. I know that there's a book that it's supposed to go with, but meh. I didn't want to read the book, I just wanted the journal. So that's what I got.
Anyway, yesterday's devotional was called "Much to Teach" and she has this to say: Perhaps one of your strongholds is an addiction to a certain substance or behavior (hahaha God just kicked me in the face when I read that). Hear me: God can set you free. But what He requires from you is time, trust, and cooperation. The immense power of an addiction is rarely broken in a day. You see, God has as much desire to teach you as well as overwhelm you. He could show us His power by instantaneously setting us free from all desire for our stronghold. But few things beyond our salvation are "once and for all." If He delivered us instantly, we would see His greatness once, but we would soon forget. We'd risk going back. On the other hand, if God teaches us victory in Christ day by day, we live in the constant awareness of His greatness and sufficiency.
Let me tell you, that was a blow. Here I had been expecting God to just automatically take away my desire. It hadn't occurred to me that perhaps God was taking it away, just not automatically. It never occurred to me that the Teacher wanted to actually teach me. In that moment it occurred to me that this desire to go to clubs and go out to bars is an addiction. And for a long time, I thought that the only addictive part was the drinking, and I figured that as long as I didn't drink when I went out, I'd be okay. Aha! How wrong was I? That was a lie Satan was telling me. It had nothing to do with alcohol. I stopped drinking when I went out, and I didn't feel any better. The way I acted was the problem. Here's the kicker for me. I stopped telling people that I was doing it, because I knew what their reactions would be. GUILT? you bet. I didn't realize it, though. Talk about a kick in the pants.
I'm nervous though. I feel as if I can't trust myself to make the right choice. I've already proven that I give in to temptation if I'm having an especially rough time. Sometimes I can be strong and avoid temptation. Other times, especially if I'm stressed or having a hard time with something, the temptation is too much. I tell myself "this is the last time." Well the last three times have been the "last time." So where did that get me?
I think, though, that yesterday's devotion really made a difference for me. I realized that it is possible to resist the temptation, even in the hard times. I just have to work extra hard.
Saturday, February 10, 2007
A good friend sent this to me. I'm just passing it on. It's the truth!
Let it go for 2007.. By T. D. Jakes
There are people who can walk away from you.
There are people who can walk away from you.
And hear me when I tell you this! When people can walk away from you:
Let them walk.
I don't want you to try to talk another person into staying with you, loving
you, calling you, caring about you, coming to see you, staying attached to
you. I mean hang up the phone.
When people can walk away from you let them walk. Your destiny is never
tied to anybody that left.
The bible said that, they came out from us that it might be made manifest
that they were not for us.
For had they been of us, no doubt they would have continued with us.
[1John 2:19] People leave you because they are not joined to you. And if
they are not joined to you, you can't make them stay.
Let them go.
And it doesn't mean that they are a bad person it just means that their part
in the story is over And you've got to know when people's part in your story
is over so that you don't keep trying to raise the dead.
You've got to know when it's dead.
You've got to know when it's over. Let me tell you something. I've got the
gift of good-bye. It's the tenth spiritual gift, I believe in good-bye.
It's not that I'm hateful, it's that I'm faithful, and I know whatever God
means for me to have He'll give it to me.
And if it takes too much sweat I don't need it.
Stop begging people to stay.
Let them go!!
If you are holding on to something that doesn't belong to you and was never
intended for your life, then you need to......
LET IT GO!!!
If you are holding on to past hurts and pains ......
LET IT GO!!!
If someone can't treat you right, love you back, and see your worth.....
LET IT GO!!!
If someone has angered you ........
LET IT GO!!!
If you are holding on to some thoughts of evil and revenge......
LET IT GO!!!
If you are involved in a wrong relationship or addiction.....
LET IT GO!!!
If you are holding on to a job that no longer meets your needs or talents
LET IT GO!!!
If you have a bad attitude.......
LET IT GO!!!
If you keep judging others to make yourself feel better......
LET IT GO!!!
If you're stuck in the past and God is trying to take you to a new level in
Him......
LET IT GO!!!
If you are struggling with the healing of a broken relationship.......
LET IT GO!!!
If you keep trying to help someone who won't even try to help
themselves.....
LET IT GO!!!
If you're feeling depressed and stressed .........
LET IT GO!!!
If there is a particular situation that you are so used to handling yourself
and God is saying "take your hands off of it,"
then you need to.....
LET IT GO!!!
Let the past be the past. Forget the former things. GOD is doing a new
thing for 2007!!!
LET IT GO!!!
Get Right or Get Left .. think about it, and then .
LET IT GO!!!
"The Battle is the Lord's!"
I'm not alright I'm broken inside and all I go through it leads me to You
So last night was definitely a PMS night. I went to sleep early and woke up late, and it was great. About my post from last night. It's true. Unfortunately it's one of those things that I have to admit about myself. Though I realized that it's not that I'm incapable of doing those things, in the case of saving money I haven't learned how to do it. So that's what I'm going to do this semester. With my classes, the reason that I'm not doing so hot is because I'm lazy. There was an entire week where I only went to class on one day. I didn't start studying for the tests until the night before. I had started out the semester well. I was reading ahead of time, and going to class. Then I got lazy. I stopped doing the readings, and I decided that I didn't feel like going to class. So that's something that I have to work on, also.
I still maintain that being an adult with all this responsibility sucks.
I still maintain that being an adult with all this responsibility sucks.
Friday, February 09, 2007
So I don't know if it's PMS or if it's because it's true, but right now I just really feel like I suck at life.
I can't save money for anything. I wish I could. I really want to. I'm supposed to. I just can't do it. My mom is amazing at it, and you'd think that I got that talent from her. But no. I got 1000 dollars back from school. It was supposed to be put in a bank account. I spent it. ALL of it. One week ago, there was 200 dollars left out of that thousand. Now? $16.59 It's very overwhelming. I'm supposed to be saving this money so I can buy a car. So I can get a job over the summer. So I can move into an apartment off campus.
The second reason I suck at life? I can't be motivated to do well in my classes. I think I have one class that I have above a C in right now. I know it's only the beginning of the semester, but I mean come on. I can't even start off with a decent grade. How am I supposed to end up with one?
I'm thinking (seriously) that I ought to just forego a social life, get a second job, and do nothing but eat, sleep, work, and study. Oh. and not spend money. Because otherwise, I suck at it.
I can't save money for anything. I wish I could. I really want to. I'm supposed to. I just can't do it. My mom is amazing at it, and you'd think that I got that talent from her. But no. I got 1000 dollars back from school. It was supposed to be put in a bank account. I spent it. ALL of it. One week ago, there was 200 dollars left out of that thousand. Now? $16.59 It's very overwhelming. I'm supposed to be saving this money so I can buy a car. So I can get a job over the summer. So I can move into an apartment off campus.
The second reason I suck at life? I can't be motivated to do well in my classes. I think I have one class that I have above a C in right now. I know it's only the beginning of the semester, but I mean come on. I can't even start off with a decent grade. How am I supposed to end up with one?
I'm thinking (seriously) that I ought to just forego a social life, get a second job, and do nothing but eat, sleep, work, and study. Oh. and not spend money. Because otherwise, I suck at it.
Wednesday, February 07, 2007
Saturday, February 03, 2007
Savior, He can move the mountains. my God is mighty to save. Forever, author of salvation, He rose and conquered the grave
Have you ever noticed that no matter how hard you try, you can't forget the past? It seems to me that the past refuses to be forgotten. Whether it be an event, or a person, or perhaps even a place, you can't get rid of it. Sure, you can go for a long period of time without thinking of it. Before you know it, you don't ever think about it. Then all of a sudden, there it is. Walking down the street, watching tv, sitting at your job, talking to someone else, whatever the situation. It all comes flooding back to you. Or you're just reminded of it. Perhaps it's a person you see everywhere that you wish you could forget. Or maybe it's parts of a place that show up in every corner you turn. Does this make it hard for you to move on? For me, I think that I might have been the biggest obstacle to getting over my past. I think that I just wallowed (for lack of a better word) in the pain and misery of everything that was going on in my life at a certain point. I let it take over my life. I tried to see bits and pieces in everything that was going on around me. I wouldn't let it go. Looking back now, I've figured out that I was afraid of letting go. I can't explain why, I don't know that I ever will be able to. I made myself miserable, and for what? Why is it that I wanted to be miserable for so long? Why didn't I want to be happy? I think that I used it to connect with people. I played the wounded victim. I wanted people to think "wow look at how much she's been through." Why?
I can honestly say that it's been quite a year for me. So much has changed in my life, so much has changed about myself. Though sometimes I catch myself using my past as a way to connect with people, I've now found other things. I'm happier than I've been since I can remember. I've realized that all the things I went through had to happen. It was how God got my attention. Good things are finally happening to me. More importantly, I'm letting good things happen to me. I'm accepting that I'm worth that much. I guess I never thought that I was worth it, because I had allowed myself to do the things that I've done. I suppose in a way it was a form of self-punishment? I'm so thankful that I got out of that. I can now accept my past. I can say yes, I've done those things. No, I'm not perfect. I suppose I've sort of liberated myself. I don't have all the answers. I don't even know who I am yet, but I'm getting there. I'm finding out more and more about who I am every day. I'm so excited to wake up every day and experience something new. I read somewhere that once a week you should do something unexpected, just to keep your life exciting. I think I'll try that. This week, something happened in my life. Something major, at least to me. Last weekend was particularly rough, but again it needed to happen. It was a catalyst for (perhaps the first) change in my life. I decided last week that I was sick of going to bars, and going to parties, and getting drunk. I haven't changed my opinion that a drink now and then is wrong, but I do see now that nothing good comes out of going and getting wasted in a place full of drunk, obnoxious people. I was one of those drunk, obnoxious people. I even lowered my standards. I would never have accepted that behavior from people I love. Why would I accept it from myself? So I gave it to God. He completely took away that desire. This past week I had a few opportunities to go out and get drunk, and I said no. I said no because I didn't even want to. The thought didn't appeal to me. That is so amazing to me, considering that not even 7 days before I had wanted to do it so badly that I considered putting my job in jeopardy.
What is it some random commercial says, change is good? That is so true.
I can honestly say that it's been quite a year for me. So much has changed in my life, so much has changed about myself. Though sometimes I catch myself using my past as a way to connect with people, I've now found other things. I'm happier than I've been since I can remember. I've realized that all the things I went through had to happen. It was how God got my attention. Good things are finally happening to me. More importantly, I'm letting good things happen to me. I'm accepting that I'm worth that much. I guess I never thought that I was worth it, because I had allowed myself to do the things that I've done. I suppose in a way it was a form of self-punishment? I'm so thankful that I got out of that. I can now accept my past. I can say yes, I've done those things. No, I'm not perfect. I suppose I've sort of liberated myself. I don't have all the answers. I don't even know who I am yet, but I'm getting there. I'm finding out more and more about who I am every day. I'm so excited to wake up every day and experience something new. I read somewhere that once a week you should do something unexpected, just to keep your life exciting. I think I'll try that. This week, something happened in my life. Something major, at least to me. Last weekend was particularly rough, but again it needed to happen. It was a catalyst for (perhaps the first) change in my life. I decided last week that I was sick of going to bars, and going to parties, and getting drunk. I haven't changed my opinion that a drink now and then is wrong, but I do see now that nothing good comes out of going and getting wasted in a place full of drunk, obnoxious people. I was one of those drunk, obnoxious people. I even lowered my standards. I would never have accepted that behavior from people I love. Why would I accept it from myself? So I gave it to God. He completely took away that desire. This past week I had a few opportunities to go out and get drunk, and I said no. I said no because I didn't even want to. The thought didn't appeal to me. That is so amazing to me, considering that not even 7 days before I had wanted to do it so badly that I considered putting my job in jeopardy.
What is it some random commercial says, change is good? That is so true.
Thursday, February 01, 2007
I'll join with the angels in Heaven on high singing Praise the Lord I saw the light
ahhhhhhhh. David Crowder Band does an amazing version of "I Saw The Light" and it's on their A Collision or (3+4=7) album. (not a shameless plug, oh no!)
haha. I just finished the homework for one of my online classes. I should start the one that's due tomorrow at midnight (for a different class) considering that I'll be pretty busy tomorrow. I'll do it in a little while. Right now I'm not doing much of anything. I slept right through class today. Apparently I was tired from work last night.
Tonight is Challenge and I have to go in at 6:30 to do the welcome committee. I'm not really sure what I'm going to do with it yet. Caroline is going to help me, so yay for that!
"why are we obsessed with possessions here on earth? go and take a look at the flowers and the birds. God has always taken care of nature's every need. How much more important in the Father's eyes are we?"
I love that line. It's from Things Like You by Sanctus Real. How true is that. Oh, which reminds me. I need to do my quiet time. When I woke up my roommate was here, so I waited until she left. Now she's gone to take a test and then she's coming back to pack her stuff for the weekend. So I don't know how long I have.
Oh, if you're a praying person please pray for my friend Justin. I just got word that he's been sent back to Iraq, and they say only until the summer, but no one knows for sure when he'll be able to come home.
haha. I just finished the homework for one of my online classes. I should start the one that's due tomorrow at midnight (for a different class) considering that I'll be pretty busy tomorrow. I'll do it in a little while. Right now I'm not doing much of anything. I slept right through class today. Apparently I was tired from work last night.
Tonight is Challenge and I have to go in at 6:30 to do the welcome committee. I'm not really sure what I'm going to do with it yet. Caroline is going to help me, so yay for that!
"why are we obsessed with possessions here on earth? go and take a look at the flowers and the birds. God has always taken care of nature's every need. How much more important in the Father's eyes are we?"
I love that line. It's from Things Like You by Sanctus Real. How true is that. Oh, which reminds me. I need to do my quiet time. When I woke up my roommate was here, so I waited until she left. Now she's gone to take a test and then she's coming back to pack her stuff for the weekend. So I don't know how long I have.
Oh, if you're a praying person please pray for my friend Justin. I just got word that he's been sent back to Iraq, and they say only until the summer, but no one knows for sure when he'll be able to come home.
Wednesday, January 31, 2007
shine Your light and let the whole world see we're singing for the glory of the risen King
Today was actually very productive. I'm quite pleased with myself.
I went to class. (hooray!) Except last night at work I forgot to bring my binder and did the wrong case. So I did the right one today after class and dropped it off at my professor's office. Before I did that, I ended up at the free market on campus, hanging out with some cool people. Then I had some Burger King, and got to see Rachel, so that was cool. Caroline and I hung out with her for like an hour or something. Then I saw Val, and that was cool cuz I haven't seen her in forever. After that, I sat at the BCM tent thing for another half hour or so. Then I dropped off my assignment, then I went over to the BCM where I got more stuff done! I didn't get a chance to talk to Rahul, but I did ask Kylie to include in the mass email that goes out the prayer thing that I'm starting with my email address so people can be added to my list. Now I just have to figure out how to organize that on gmail. Yay! new organizing stuff. I love it. Then I went and checked my mail (my Beth Moore devotional still hasn't come!) and now I'm in my room before work.
Oh! The best part is that last night I found someone to take my Friday opening shift permanently so now I can do a Bible study on Friday nights! Hooray!
Even more importantly, not only have I been doing my quiet time every day, but it's been amazing! Today I found this verse that I just fell in love with. It's 1 Corinthians 1:9. (I mainly just love the first three words) It says God is faithful. Man oh man how that has proven to be so true in my life! Then it occurred to me (also during my quiet time) that God is faithful even when I'm not, and that just blew my mind. Definitely made me stop and think a while. Good stuff!
Man, my life is going so great right now! Oh man. So I had a meeting with Rahul yesterday, and we just talked about everything. I told him the problems I had been having with Challenge, and I ended up becoming part of the welcome committee, and now apparently I'm the organizer of it (which means I'm in charge of all the interns mwahaha). So I'm really excited about that, because I want people to feel welcome, not like they're lost in the shuffle. Plus I'm heading up this prayer chain thing, and I'm super excited about that.
Okay I think that's it. OH! I forgot to mention two very exciting things. The first is that I got a Coach purse (which is pretty much just like brand new, except used) for 17 dollars at a thrift store last Saturday. I'm so flipping excited!!! SEVENTEEN DOLLARS for a purse that's like normally around 200 dollars or so. Maybe even 300. I've wanted this purse for like 2 years now. Patience really does pay off!! The other exciting thing is that on Friday Caroline and I are going thrift shopping again! This time we're going to places that we missed on Saturday (because we were on a time crunch) and now that I don't have to be back for work, we can take our time! So excited!
Okay, that's really all I have to say! I'm gonna take a nap before work.
I went to class. (hooray!) Except last night at work I forgot to bring my binder and did the wrong case. So I did the right one today after class and dropped it off at my professor's office. Before I did that, I ended up at the free market on campus, hanging out with some cool people. Then I had some Burger King, and got to see Rachel, so that was cool. Caroline and I hung out with her for like an hour or something. Then I saw Val, and that was cool cuz I haven't seen her in forever. After that, I sat at the BCM tent thing for another half hour or so. Then I dropped off my assignment, then I went over to the BCM where I got more stuff done! I didn't get a chance to talk to Rahul, but I did ask Kylie to include in the mass email that goes out the prayer thing that I'm starting with my email address so people can be added to my list. Now I just have to figure out how to organize that on gmail. Yay! new organizing stuff. I love it. Then I went and checked my mail (my Beth Moore devotional still hasn't come!) and now I'm in my room before work.
Oh! The best part is that last night I found someone to take my Friday opening shift permanently so now I can do a Bible study on Friday nights! Hooray!
Even more importantly, not only have I been doing my quiet time every day, but it's been amazing! Today I found this verse that I just fell in love with. It's 1 Corinthians 1:9. (I mainly just love the first three words) It says God is faithful. Man oh man how that has proven to be so true in my life! Then it occurred to me (also during my quiet time) that God is faithful even when I'm not, and that just blew my mind. Definitely made me stop and think a while. Good stuff!
Man, my life is going so great right now! Oh man. So I had a meeting with Rahul yesterday, and we just talked about everything. I told him the problems I had been having with Challenge, and I ended up becoming part of the welcome committee, and now apparently I'm the organizer of it (which means I'm in charge of all the interns mwahaha). So I'm really excited about that, because I want people to feel welcome, not like they're lost in the shuffle. Plus I'm heading up this prayer chain thing, and I'm super excited about that.
Okay I think that's it. OH! I forgot to mention two very exciting things. The first is that I got a Coach purse (which is pretty much just like brand new, except used) for 17 dollars at a thrift store last Saturday. I'm so flipping excited!!! SEVENTEEN DOLLARS for a purse that's like normally around 200 dollars or so. Maybe even 300. I've wanted this purse for like 2 years now. Patience really does pay off!! The other exciting thing is that on Friday Caroline and I are going thrift shopping again! This time we're going to places that we missed on Saturday (because we were on a time crunch) and now that I don't have to be back for work, we can take our time! So excited!
Okay, that's really all I have to say! I'm gonna take a nap before work.
Monday, January 29, 2007
Yes You Have by Leeland
so I'm gonna do something that I haven't done in a while. In my last post is a link to Leeland's myspace page. I highly recommend you check them out. I just got their album and they are amazing. These are the lyrics to my favorite song by them. I think it's such a beautiful worship song.
Every tree and every storm
Every rushing wind that moans
They sing Your praise
My God they sing Your praise
Every star and open sky
tell of Your glory divine
They shout Your praise
They shout Your praise, yeah
You've stolen my heart, yes You have
You've stolen my heart, yes You have
You've wiped away the stains
And broke away the chains
Yes You have
With Your love you set me free
oh, three nails gave me liberty
So I'll sing Your praise
My God I'll sing Your praise
and Oh, with Your love
You forgave my sin
forgot my past
and brought me back again
So I'll sing Your praise
I'll sing Your praise, yeah
You've stolen my heart
yes You have
you've stolen my heart
yes You have
You've wiped away the stains
and broke away the chains, now
yes You have
If I ascend into the sky
Or hide behind the night
I cannot run Your love is chasing me
If I fall into the sea
Your hand will rescue me
No one will take Your place
because this is all for You
yes, this is all for You
You're the King of the world
You're the King of the world
You've stolen my heart
yes You have
You've stolen my heart
yes You have
You've wiped away the stains
and broke away the chains
yes You have
You've stolen my heart
yes You have
you've stolen my heart
yes You have
You've wiped away the stains
and broke away the chains
yes You have
Every tree and every storm
Every rushing wind that moans
They sing Your praise
My God they sing Your praise
Every star and open sky
tell of Your glory divine
They shout Your praise
They shout Your praise, yeah
You've stolen my heart, yes You have
You've stolen my heart, yes You have
You've wiped away the stains
And broke away the chains
Yes You have
With Your love you set me free
oh, three nails gave me liberty
So I'll sing Your praise
My God I'll sing Your praise
and Oh, with Your love
You forgave my sin
forgot my past
and brought me back again
So I'll sing Your praise
I'll sing Your praise, yeah
You've stolen my heart
yes You have
you've stolen my heart
yes You have
You've wiped away the stains
and broke away the chains, now
yes You have
If I ascend into the sky
Or hide behind the night
I cannot run Your love is chasing me
If I fall into the sea
Your hand will rescue me
No one will take Your place
because this is all for You
yes, this is all for You
You're the King of the world
You're the King of the world
You've stolen my heart
yes You have
You've stolen my heart
yes You have
You've wiped away the stains
and broke away the chains
yes You have
You've stolen my heart
yes You have
you've stolen my heart
yes You have
You've wiped away the stains
and broke away the chains
yes You have
I don't see my brokenness anymore, when I'm seated at the table of the Lord. I'm carried to the table, swept away by His love.
(the song in the title is Carried to the Table by Leeland. They're my new favorite band!)
Today has gone by so quickly. Granted, I slept through most of it. I didn't even mean to! I woke up at 730, so I could leave and do my quiet time before I went to class. Except, it was like 40 degrees outside, so class was out. I waited til my roommate left, and had an amazing quiet time! I'm so excited! My Beth Moore "Praying God's Word Devotional" was shipped out today, so I should get it soon! Hooray! The verse that stuck with me today was this:
Psalm 46:10 "Be still and know that I am God."
It just gave me shivers, and I just thought about it for the longest time. Coolest feeling ever!
So I was awake til around 11 or so, when I just all of a sudden got so tired that I could barely keep my eyes open. The next thing I know, it's 4 o'clock. Weirdest thing ever.
Now I'm just wasting time until I have to go to work. I'm gonna wear like 2 pairs of pants (haha just kidding). I am gonna bring a blanket, though. It's too flippin cold to not have one. At least I have the early shift, and get off at 11:30. yay!
So last night at Late Nite was awesome. I haven't gotten that feeling since I first came back to God. I can't explain what happened, but I know why it did. I'm so thankful for a God who hears and listens to my prayers. One of the things that I've been struggling with is to be a "normal" college student, and go to parties and all that nonsense. It finally came to a breaking point Saturday night. God just cleaned out my heart and that feeling is completely gone. I can't even describe how it feels. My heart actually feels lighter.
Hooray for more prayers answered! I finally have my accountability partner back! Who knew that something that seemed so "wrong" was actually what God had in store all along!
Oh man! I'm so flippin excited for the Fusion Conference!!!! I can't wait to see David Crowder Band! It's gonna be amazing.
Ooh. Maybe I'll take my knitting to work tonight and work on a scarf. Hmm. Sounds like a plan to me.
Oh and things are better with my roommate. YAY! Life is good (eternal life is better! hahaha)
Today has gone by so quickly. Granted, I slept through most of it. I didn't even mean to! I woke up at 730, so I could leave and do my quiet time before I went to class. Except, it was like 40 degrees outside, so class was out. I waited til my roommate left, and had an amazing quiet time! I'm so excited! My Beth Moore "Praying God's Word Devotional" was shipped out today, so I should get it soon! Hooray! The verse that stuck with me today was this:
Psalm 46:10 "Be still and know that I am God."
It just gave me shivers, and I just thought about it for the longest time. Coolest feeling ever!
So I was awake til around 11 or so, when I just all of a sudden got so tired that I could barely keep my eyes open. The next thing I know, it's 4 o'clock. Weirdest thing ever.
Now I'm just wasting time until I have to go to work. I'm gonna wear like 2 pairs of pants (haha just kidding). I am gonna bring a blanket, though. It's too flippin cold to not have one. At least I have the early shift, and get off at 11:30. yay!
So last night at Late Nite was awesome. I haven't gotten that feeling since I first came back to God. I can't explain what happened, but I know why it did. I'm so thankful for a God who hears and listens to my prayers. One of the things that I've been struggling with is to be a "normal" college student, and go to parties and all that nonsense. It finally came to a breaking point Saturday night. God just cleaned out my heart and that feeling is completely gone. I can't even describe how it feels. My heart actually feels lighter.
Hooray for more prayers answered! I finally have my accountability partner back! Who knew that something that seemed so "wrong" was actually what God had in store all along!
Oh man! I'm so flippin excited for the Fusion Conference!!!! I can't wait to see David Crowder Band! It's gonna be amazing.
Ooh. Maybe I'll take my knitting to work tonight and work on a scarf. Hmm. Sounds like a plan to me.
Oh and things are better with my roommate. YAY! Life is good (eternal life is better! hahaha)
I've been tagged.... it took me forever... but I did it!
THE RULES: Each player of this game starts with the 6 weird things about you. People who get tagged need to write a blog of their own 6 weird things as well as state this rule clearly. In the end, you need to choose 6 people to be tagged and list their names. Don't forget to leave a comment that says you are tagged in their comments and tell them to read your blog.
1. I eat raw potatoes. Apparently this is abnormal. Ever since I can remember, every time my mom (or grandma) was making potatoes, they used to slice off a piece of potato to get us out of the kitchen. They're so good!
2. I knit and crochet. Recently I've discovered that this is something typically associated with Grandmas. Oh well. I do it, and I love it. very relaxing/stress relieving.
3. I love Southern Gospel. HAHAHA. I make fun of my mom so much for listening to it, but I secretly love it! (don't tell my mom!) In the same thread, I also love the really old church hymns (how great thou art, come thou fount, amazing grace, etc...)
4. I am very indecisive when it comes to every day things (such as where I want to eat for lunch/dinner/whatever, or what we should do when we're bored) but I know exactly what I want to do with my life, my life's goal, and just how I'm going to do it.
5. I'll eat pretty much anything at least once, but I'm really picky about what I eat. I know it makes no sense, but it's true. I'm up for pretty much everything (I've even tried sushi like 3 times even though I hate the seaweed) but I'll sit and pick lettuce out of my salad that looks gross and I don't eat corn.
6. I talk to myself. A lot. Not just random things, either. I've been known to have entire conversations with myself.
Bah. This part about tagging 6 people, I don't know that there are 6 people that I know who read my blog. So if you read it, you're tagged. Let me know when you do it. Thanks!
1. I eat raw potatoes. Apparently this is abnormal. Ever since I can remember, every time my mom (or grandma) was making potatoes, they used to slice off a piece of potato to get us out of the kitchen. They're so good!
2. I knit and crochet. Recently I've discovered that this is something typically associated with Grandmas. Oh well. I do it, and I love it. very relaxing/stress relieving.
3. I love Southern Gospel. HAHAHA. I make fun of my mom so much for listening to it, but I secretly love it! (don't tell my mom!) In the same thread, I also love the really old church hymns (how great thou art, come thou fount, amazing grace, etc...)
4. I am very indecisive when it comes to every day things (such as where I want to eat for lunch/dinner/whatever, or what we should do when we're bored) but I know exactly what I want to do with my life, my life's goal, and just how I'm going to do it.
5. I'll eat pretty much anything at least once, but I'm really picky about what I eat. I know it makes no sense, but it's true. I'm up for pretty much everything (I've even tried sushi like 3 times even though I hate the seaweed) but I'll sit and pick lettuce out of my salad that looks gross and I don't eat corn.
6. I talk to myself. A lot. Not just random things, either. I've been known to have entire conversations with myself.
Bah. This part about tagging 6 people, I don't know that there are 6 people that I know who read my blog. So if you read it, you're tagged. Let me know when you do it. Thanks!
Thursday, January 25, 2007
if you never try you'll never know just what you're worth
I always find it funny how the lyrics that I use as post titles (which are usually just lyrics from the song that I'm listening to at the moment) always end up pretty much reflecting life at that point in time.
I don't believe in coincidences. I don't believe things happen by chance.
I do believe that God speaks to me through music. I can only hope that God is speaking to you through the words that I write.
So many options for tonight. I could go to work and get paid to do nothing. I could go to Challenge and hang out with some people. I could go to Campus Crusade and see what that's all about. Or, I could sit at home and watch Grey's Anatomy. The problem is that I spent quite a bit of money last week that I was supposed to be saving. So now I need to pick up extra shifts and literally spend as little as possible to get back that money, plus some. So I should go to work, but I don't know if I want to go to work. What to do, what to do.
Or, I could forego any type of social activity Saturday night and take the extra shift then. Or I could do both shifts. AGH! I came to the conclusion today that being an adult sucks. At least sometimes.
Okay. I made a decision. I'm going to work tonight, and then see how I feel about Saturday later on.
I think that's a responsible decision.
I don't believe in coincidences. I don't believe things happen by chance.
I do believe that God speaks to me through music. I can only hope that God is speaking to you through the words that I write.
So many options for tonight. I could go to work and get paid to do nothing. I could go to Challenge and hang out with some people. I could go to Campus Crusade and see what that's all about. Or, I could sit at home and watch Grey's Anatomy. The problem is that I spent quite a bit of money last week that I was supposed to be saving. So now I need to pick up extra shifts and literally spend as little as possible to get back that money, plus some. So I should go to work, but I don't know if I want to go to work. What to do, what to do.
Or, I could forego any type of social activity Saturday night and take the extra shift then. Or I could do both shifts. AGH! I came to the conclusion today that being an adult sucks. At least sometimes.
Okay. I made a decision. I'm going to work tonight, and then see how I feel about Saturday later on.
I think that's a responsible decision.
Tuesday, January 23, 2007
ugh. blogger is ridiculous.
I had a direction that I wanted this post to go in, but now I've completely forgotten what it was. I guess it must not have been that important to me.
Life is quickly becoming quite interesting from me (aside from all the family stuff going on.)
On what feels like a whim, I decided to join the leadership team for Late Nite. Now I'm beginning to wonder if that was the right decision. I've been praying about it, but it feels as if God is not answering me right now. Perhaps that is my answer? I know that God always answers, I'm just wondering if what feels like a "non-answer" is actually His way of telling me that I should not have joined leadership.
My classes are actually going pretty well. Unlike last semester, most of my classes actually have work due on a regular basis, so that is forcing me to keep up with the reading and materials. Which means that (hopefully) I won't fall behind in my reading. I'm enjoying my classes immensely, which is another thing in itself because last semester I pretty much hated most of my classes to the point that I never went.
Since I've been back, I've been pretty busy. Sunday, I did a little bit of shopping for some things that I needed. Then I went to Starbucks with Caroline, and we hung out. We've been hanging out a lot more lately, which is really exciting to me. Then there was Late Nite, and after that a bunch of people went and saw The Hitcher. It was pretty gory, and scared me half to death, but it was pretty good. Yesterday was pretty mellow compared to Sunday. I went to class in the morning, then I came home for a little while. Then I decided to head to the mall and buy the promise ring that I've been wanting for what seems like eternity. I was pretty happy about that. Then I worked last night until 11:30. Then I came home and went to sleep. Today I had the class in the mall, then I headed to the grocery store for a few things that I needed. Today was just pretty mellow, seeing as how it's the only day that I don't really have anything going on. I did some homework, and read a couple chapters for a couple of my classes. Now I'm just wasting the next twenty minutes or so, listening to some jazz music while I wait for Law and Order: SVU to come on.
I've been doing my quiet time every day! I'm really excited about that. I've noticed a difference in a lot of areas in my life since I've been doing it on a regular basis. I've been a lot less stressed, actually. I've also had a sharp decline in my desire for a relationship. I've actually rarely even thought about wanting a boyfriend. I've been so busy with other stuff that I haven't even had time to miss the intimacy of a relationship. That's pretty exciting for me considering what last semester was like. I'm beginning to realize that last semester was just bad all around for me. I've also noticed that my friendships have become a lot better since then. I think that I've been able to be more patient with things and people, and I've really learned to appreciate the friends that I do have. I'm trying to be a better friend to everyone, and at the same time keeping the ones that I really do want the most to work out. That sounded kinda lame, I think. Oh well.
Meanwhile, I've seen Pride and Prejudice and I'm extremely happy with the way they made it. It's so true to the book. I think it might become my favorite movie. I haven't decided yet, but it's definitely up there on the list. Now, I've decided to read the book. Again. For like the 13594386th time. It is most definitely my favorite book ever. I absolutely love the story, I think it's amazing. I recommend it to anyone who hasn't read it.
So yeah. That's how life is going for me. This week is going to be pretty busy class-wise. I've got an assignment due tomorrow, one due Thursday, and another due Friday. Then Friday night I'm working a 9 hour shift, and Saturday night I work at 6, and I haven't decided whether or not I'm going to work another 9 hour shift. I definitely am going to need the money, but I don't know if I'll be up for it. I'll have to see later on this week.
Life is quickly becoming quite interesting from me (aside from all the family stuff going on.)
On what feels like a whim, I decided to join the leadership team for Late Nite. Now I'm beginning to wonder if that was the right decision. I've been praying about it, but it feels as if God is not answering me right now. Perhaps that is my answer? I know that God always answers, I'm just wondering if what feels like a "non-answer" is actually His way of telling me that I should not have joined leadership.
My classes are actually going pretty well. Unlike last semester, most of my classes actually have work due on a regular basis, so that is forcing me to keep up with the reading and materials. Which means that (hopefully) I won't fall behind in my reading. I'm enjoying my classes immensely, which is another thing in itself because last semester I pretty much hated most of my classes to the point that I never went.
Since I've been back, I've been pretty busy. Sunday, I did a little bit of shopping for some things that I needed. Then I went to Starbucks with Caroline, and we hung out. We've been hanging out a lot more lately, which is really exciting to me. Then there was Late Nite, and after that a bunch of people went and saw The Hitcher. It was pretty gory, and scared me half to death, but it was pretty good. Yesterday was pretty mellow compared to Sunday. I went to class in the morning, then I came home for a little while. Then I decided to head to the mall and buy the promise ring that I've been wanting for what seems like eternity. I was pretty happy about that. Then I worked last night until 11:30. Then I came home and went to sleep. Today I had the class in the mall, then I headed to the grocery store for a few things that I needed. Today was just pretty mellow, seeing as how it's the only day that I don't really have anything going on. I did some homework, and read a couple chapters for a couple of my classes. Now I'm just wasting the next twenty minutes or so, listening to some jazz music while I wait for Law and Order: SVU to come on.
I've been doing my quiet time every day! I'm really excited about that. I've noticed a difference in a lot of areas in my life since I've been doing it on a regular basis. I've been a lot less stressed, actually. I've also had a sharp decline in my desire for a relationship. I've actually rarely even thought about wanting a boyfriend. I've been so busy with other stuff that I haven't even had time to miss the intimacy of a relationship. That's pretty exciting for me considering what last semester was like. I'm beginning to realize that last semester was just bad all around for me. I've also noticed that my friendships have become a lot better since then. I think that I've been able to be more patient with things and people, and I've really learned to appreciate the friends that I do have. I'm trying to be a better friend to everyone, and at the same time keeping the ones that I really do want the most to work out. That sounded kinda lame, I think. Oh well.
Meanwhile, I've seen Pride and Prejudice and I'm extremely happy with the way they made it. It's so true to the book. I think it might become my favorite movie. I haven't decided yet, but it's definitely up there on the list. Now, I've decided to read the book. Again. For like the 13594386th time. It is most definitely my favorite book ever. I absolutely love the story, I think it's amazing. I recommend it to anyone who hasn't read it.
So yeah. That's how life is going for me. This week is going to be pretty busy class-wise. I've got an assignment due tomorrow, one due Thursday, and another due Friday. Then Friday night I'm working a 9 hour shift, and Saturday night I work at 6, and I haven't decided whether or not I'm going to work another 9 hour shift. I definitely am going to need the money, but I don't know if I'll be up for it. I'll have to see later on this week.
Tuesday, January 16, 2007
Hallelujah!!! My God reigns
Wow.
I don't even know where to begin.
God is moving mountains. In my life. In the lives of those around me. He is moving mountains that some would deem immobile.
Here's the back-story on the biggest mountain.
My aunt has three children, all with different fathers. Her youngest child is 11, and he has Fragile X Syndrome. Her life has been difficult. A few years ago she married a man that my grandmother (her mother) introduced her to. The first time that this man was in my parents home, he smacked my sister (who at the time was probably 13) on the butt and she violated. He has never been welcome in our home again. He has treated her three kids horribly. He tried to kick out her oldest daughter when she turned 18. We believe that he has been abusing my 11-year old cousin, but we can't be sure. During their marriage, he has cheated on her numerous times, even going as far as having a mistress in China whom he refers to as his "wife." Within the past month or so, she discovered that he has been subscribing to porn sites, and has gone on dating sites and created profiles. On these sites he describes in great detail his penis and claims he is divorced. He is looking for girls to have sex with, and girls who are willing to have threesomes. My aunt is very beautiful, and he is lucky to have her. He takes complete advantage of that. She has been trapped in his home, especially as she no longer has any family in Michigan since we have all moved. For about a year she has been talking about leaving him, but always with the excuse "next week" or "next month" or "when I get my debts paid off."
My dad received an email from her over the weekend telling him about the porn sites and the dating sites. She also discovered emails on her computer to the woman in China, and found out that he has been flying this woman over from China on a regular basis to see him. All his money goes to his mistress, and his wife sees none of it.
So Sunday morning, my dad called my aunt and convinced her to leave him. We were a bit skeptical, however, because she's been saying it for over a year now.
Last night at midnight she showed up at my parents' house. It is honestly the most amazing thing that has happened. I don't know how anything could top it.
All I can do right now is give God all the praise and glory. I honestly believe that she would not have done this on her own. The guy is insane, and had he come home while she was packing and found out that she was leaving, we don't know what would have happened. He probably would have gotten violent. I'm just so grateful and relieved that she is finally out of that situation.
I don't even know where to begin.
God is moving mountains. In my life. In the lives of those around me. He is moving mountains that some would deem immobile.
Here's the back-story on the biggest mountain.
My aunt has three children, all with different fathers. Her youngest child is 11, and he has Fragile X Syndrome. Her life has been difficult. A few years ago she married a man that my grandmother (her mother) introduced her to. The first time that this man was in my parents home, he smacked my sister (who at the time was probably 13) on the butt and she violated. He has never been welcome in our home again. He has treated her three kids horribly. He tried to kick out her oldest daughter when she turned 18. We believe that he has been abusing my 11-year old cousin, but we can't be sure. During their marriage, he has cheated on her numerous times, even going as far as having a mistress in China whom he refers to as his "wife." Within the past month or so, she discovered that he has been subscribing to porn sites, and has gone on dating sites and created profiles. On these sites he describes in great detail his penis and claims he is divorced. He is looking for girls to have sex with, and girls who are willing to have threesomes. My aunt is very beautiful, and he is lucky to have her. He takes complete advantage of that. She has been trapped in his home, especially as she no longer has any family in Michigan since we have all moved. For about a year she has been talking about leaving him, but always with the excuse "next week" or "next month" or "when I get my debts paid off."
My dad received an email from her over the weekend telling him about the porn sites and the dating sites. She also discovered emails on her computer to the woman in China, and found out that he has been flying this woman over from China on a regular basis to see him. All his money goes to his mistress, and his wife sees none of it.
So Sunday morning, my dad called my aunt and convinced her to leave him. We were a bit skeptical, however, because she's been saying it for over a year now.
Last night at midnight she showed up at my parents' house. It is honestly the most amazing thing that has happened. I don't know how anything could top it.
All I can do right now is give God all the praise and glory. I honestly believe that she would not have done this on her own. The guy is insane, and had he come home while she was packing and found out that she was leaving, we don't know what would have happened. He probably would have gotten violent. I'm just so grateful and relieved that she is finally out of that situation.
Thursday, January 11, 2007
I'm not trying to hide anything I wear it on my sleeve I'm not trying to be something I'm not this is all I've got
I'm not trying to reinvent the wheel. Just trying to be real.
I'm not trying to say "follow me" I'm not the one who leads.
Let me introduce myself to you. This is who I am. No more no less.
I am just a man who understands. Because of You I'm blessed. No more no less.
I'm not trying to prove anything. It's all about the change.
I hope you stay just long enough to see. The heart that's beating here inside of me.
Beyond all of the things you may think you know, I'm just a kid trying to make it home, that's it.
No more no less. Lord I wanna go home. Nothing more and nothing less. I just wanna go home. Nothing more and nothing less.
Looking back, I realize that my last post was pretty dramatic. Well, not dramatic, because that's honestly how I was feeling when I typed that post out. Now that I've had time to calm down, I feel so differently. Let me elaborate:
My sister recently got in trouble for something that she should not have been doing. When I look at her situation, I see myself only a few years ago. I do not want her to go down the same path that I did. I do not want her to experience the heartache and pain. I also feel slightly responsible for what she did. She saw what I went through, and how I handled it. However, I never really took the time to talk to her about what it did for me, and the regret that I feel about it. I think that maybe if we had talked about it, she would have made better decisions. I do know that she has to make her own mistakes, and I can't blame myself for them. I also can't be mad at her for her actions. That's not my job, nor is it the right way to react. I know that I need to help her get through this, and hopefully avoid the same places that I've been.
Moving on.
I need help. Rather, I need advice. I've been doing my quiet time every day (yay me!) but I feel like somehow I'm doing it wrong, if that makes sense. Right now I feel like I'm basically reading a passage and praying. I don't feel as if there's any interaction with God. That just seems wrong to me. I am completely at a loss as to how to improve my quiet time. Right now it's probably 5-10 minutes. Don't get me wrong. It's making a difference that I'm doing it on a daily basis, and I can see it in my attitude and my actions. I just want to make it better!
Tonight is the first Challenge of the semester. I'm pretty excited, actually. I want to start going on a regular basis, again. I also want to look into the possibility of getting involved somehow (though not on leadership.) I don't know about that though. I need to keep praying about it.
Anyway. That's my current life-situation. I must say, it's not that bad. I'm actually in a pretty good place right now.
How are you?
I'm not trying to say "follow me" I'm not the one who leads.
Let me introduce myself to you. This is who I am. No more no less.
I am just a man who understands. Because of You I'm blessed. No more no less.
I'm not trying to prove anything. It's all about the change.
I hope you stay just long enough to see. The heart that's beating here inside of me.
Beyond all of the things you may think you know, I'm just a kid trying to make it home, that's it.
No more no less. Lord I wanna go home. Nothing more and nothing less. I just wanna go home. Nothing more and nothing less.
- Mercy Me "No More No Less"
Looking back, I realize that my last post was pretty dramatic. Well, not dramatic, because that's honestly how I was feeling when I typed that post out. Now that I've had time to calm down, I feel so differently. Let me elaborate:
My sister recently got in trouble for something that she should not have been doing. When I look at her situation, I see myself only a few years ago. I do not want her to go down the same path that I did. I do not want her to experience the heartache and pain. I also feel slightly responsible for what she did. She saw what I went through, and how I handled it. However, I never really took the time to talk to her about what it did for me, and the regret that I feel about it. I think that maybe if we had talked about it, she would have made better decisions. I do know that she has to make her own mistakes, and I can't blame myself for them. I also can't be mad at her for her actions. That's not my job, nor is it the right way to react. I know that I need to help her get through this, and hopefully avoid the same places that I've been.
Moving on.
I need help. Rather, I need advice. I've been doing my quiet time every day (yay me!) but I feel like somehow I'm doing it wrong, if that makes sense. Right now I feel like I'm basically reading a passage and praying. I don't feel as if there's any interaction with God. That just seems wrong to me. I am completely at a loss as to how to improve my quiet time. Right now it's probably 5-10 minutes. Don't get me wrong. It's making a difference that I'm doing it on a daily basis, and I can see it in my attitude and my actions. I just want to make it better!
Tonight is the first Challenge of the semester. I'm pretty excited, actually. I want to start going on a regular basis, again. I also want to look into the possibility of getting involved somehow (though not on leadership.) I don't know about that though. I need to keep praying about it.
Anyway. That's my current life-situation. I must say, it's not that bad. I'm actually in a pretty good place right now.
How are you?
Monday, January 08, 2007
Ugh.
It's a heartbreaking time in your life when you realize that someone you thought you knew very well is not at all even remotely the person you thought they were. It's even worse when you're supposed to be a role model to them.
You start to ask yourself where you went wrong, and how you could have done better. I mean. I don't even know how to address the situation. I can't even look at this person the same. I honestly don't know what to do, it just blows my mind. This is something that I would have never expected. I know that's vague, and I don't think I'm going to give full details on here. but honestly this just makes everything so different.
please just keep me and my family in your prayers.
You start to ask yourself where you went wrong, and how you could have done better. I mean. I don't even know how to address the situation. I can't even look at this person the same. I honestly don't know what to do, it just blows my mind. This is something that I would have never expected. I know that's vague, and I don't think I'm going to give full details on here. but honestly this just makes everything so different.
please just keep me and my family in your prayers.
Monday, January 01, 2007
I am me, but who am I?
I think making new year's resolutions is a ridiculous idea. If you're going to change something about yourself, do it when you realize that you need to change. Don't wait until the "new year" starts to make the change. It's even more ridiculous because most people don't even stick to their resolutions. I mean, seriously. There is nothing about the "new year" that's going to make you a different person, more likely to keep your resolutions this year than last year when you made them and didn't keep them.
With that said, the break at home has been so relaxing for me. I've had a lot off time to think about what's been going on this last semester, and why I've been so stressed out. I do think that there's a lot of stuff I want to change. About myself, about my life, about the things that I can control. I guess you could call this a "resolution" if you really wanted to, but I don't consider that. I think this is something that's been a long time coming.
Somewhere along the way, I stopped being myself. I don't know why, but it was almost as if I was a completely different person. I was not happy. I was pretending to be this person that I wasn't. And for what? It's not like I gained a bunch of friends. And the friendships that I did gain were based on what, being someone that I'm not? I want to be myself, I want to figure out who that is. And I want to find friends that I can be myself around. I don't want friends that I have to pretend around.
Through everything that's been going on, it's almost as if I've been devoid of most emotions. Even though I wasn't completely emotionless, it was a temporary feeling. Most importantly, I've lost my passion for pretty much anything. I don't know what my passion is anymore, and I want to find it. I want to get it back.
One thing that I haven't been doing much of is being completely honest with people. I hate that. One of the things I hate about other people is when they're dishonest. Knowing that about myself, I try to be honest with people. Obviously, that doesn't always happen. This goes beyond that, though. The biggest thing, though, is that part of my testimony isn't completely true. I can honestly say that I don't know why I felt the need to exaggerate something that wasn't nearly as bad as I made it seem. I told a lot of people that before I committed my life to Christ, I struggled with drugs and alcohol. That's not completely true. I didn't have an addiction, and it wasn't as big of a struggle as I told people. I hate the fact that I lied, and I hate that it's almost a continuing lie. Because of this people think it's wrong that as a legal adult I see nothing wrong with going out with some friends and having a drink or two. They say that I should know better. To be honest, there's only few people that I even care enough about to be honest with about this part of my life. The rest of the people aren't important to me, they aren't close to me, and they don't make an effort to include me in their lives. So as far as they are concerned, I don't need to go back and tell them any different. I will just be honest about everything from this point on. If I'm asked about it, I'll be honest. But I won't go out of my way.
The most important part of my life that I want to change is my quiet time. I know that I talk about this a lot. It probably sounds redundant, but I want to get back into it. I want to do it on a daily basis. I want to get more into the Word, and I want to grow closer to my God. I want to have that relationship that other people seem to have. I can't explain the way it is now. I wish I could. It's almost as if it's a relationship with like a grandparent, or an extended relative. It's something that I see sometimes, and it's something that I know is there. And there are even some times that I feel it with this intensity that is amazing. But on a daily basis, it's not really this thing that I feel. I want to change that.
So that's it. At least that's all that I can think of right now. I made the list in my prayer journal. I'm excited about the coming semester. I'm excited about going back to school, and getting back to the few friends that I want to spend my time with. I can't wait to find more people that I want to get to know better. Honestly, right now, there are only two people that I want to even devote my energy to. They're the only ones that I feel are genuinely my friends. They're the two people that I feel actually care about me, and aren't just friends with me to serve their own selfish purposes. I can't wait to see how this semester turns out.
With that said, the break at home has been so relaxing for me. I've had a lot off time to think about what's been going on this last semester, and why I've been so stressed out. I do think that there's a lot of stuff I want to change. About myself, about my life, about the things that I can control. I guess you could call this a "resolution" if you really wanted to, but I don't consider that. I think this is something that's been a long time coming.
Somewhere along the way, I stopped being myself. I don't know why, but it was almost as if I was a completely different person. I was not happy. I was pretending to be this person that I wasn't. And for what? It's not like I gained a bunch of friends. And the friendships that I did gain were based on what, being someone that I'm not? I want to be myself, I want to figure out who that is. And I want to find friends that I can be myself around. I don't want friends that I have to pretend around.
Through everything that's been going on, it's almost as if I've been devoid of most emotions. Even though I wasn't completely emotionless, it was a temporary feeling. Most importantly, I've lost my passion for pretty much anything. I don't know what my passion is anymore, and I want to find it. I want to get it back.
One thing that I haven't been doing much of is being completely honest with people. I hate that. One of the things I hate about other people is when they're dishonest. Knowing that about myself, I try to be honest with people. Obviously, that doesn't always happen. This goes beyond that, though. The biggest thing, though, is that part of my testimony isn't completely true. I can honestly say that I don't know why I felt the need to exaggerate something that wasn't nearly as bad as I made it seem. I told a lot of people that before I committed my life to Christ, I struggled with drugs and alcohol. That's not completely true. I didn't have an addiction, and it wasn't as big of a struggle as I told people. I hate the fact that I lied, and I hate that it's almost a continuing lie. Because of this people think it's wrong that as a legal adult I see nothing wrong with going out with some friends and having a drink or two. They say that I should know better. To be honest, there's only few people that I even care enough about to be honest with about this part of my life. The rest of the people aren't important to me, they aren't close to me, and they don't make an effort to include me in their lives. So as far as they are concerned, I don't need to go back and tell them any different. I will just be honest about everything from this point on. If I'm asked about it, I'll be honest. But I won't go out of my way.
The most important part of my life that I want to change is my quiet time. I know that I talk about this a lot. It probably sounds redundant, but I want to get back into it. I want to do it on a daily basis. I want to get more into the Word, and I want to grow closer to my God. I want to have that relationship that other people seem to have. I can't explain the way it is now. I wish I could. It's almost as if it's a relationship with like a grandparent, or an extended relative. It's something that I see sometimes, and it's something that I know is there. And there are even some times that I feel it with this intensity that is amazing. But on a daily basis, it's not really this thing that I feel. I want to change that.
So that's it. At least that's all that I can think of right now. I made the list in my prayer journal. I'm excited about the coming semester. I'm excited about going back to school, and getting back to the few friends that I want to spend my time with. I can't wait to find more people that I want to get to know better. Honestly, right now, there are only two people that I want to even devote my energy to. They're the only ones that I feel are genuinely my friends. They're the two people that I feel actually care about me, and aren't just friends with me to serve their own selfish purposes. I can't wait to see how this semester turns out.
Thursday, December 28, 2006
I can't come up with a catchy title.
Hrm. This is pretty much not good. I'm getting back into the habit of staying awake until about 2 a.m. and waking up around noon. For about a week and a half, I was going to sleep around 10 or 11 p.m. and waking up around 7 a.m. I pretty much liked that schedule. Don't get me wrong, it's not like I don't get enough sleep, and I am on "vacation" so to speak, but I know that if I keep this sleeping schedule the rest of break, I won't have a good sleeping schedule when I get back to school. I suppose that sometime in the next few day I'll try to get back into the schedule. For now I'm watching "20 Most Horrifying Hollywood Murders" on the E! Channel. It's pretty interesting.
So I haven't done my quiet time in a few days. I don't know what's going on. It just seems that I can't keep up with doing it on a daily basis. I can't even say that I'm too busy and I forget. Honestly, I'm not that busy during the day. I mean, God is the creator of the universe, and He still makes time for me. I can't even make time for Him on days that I don't do anything. How am I going to keep up with my quiet time on days that I have work, class, etc? Gah. I don't even know what to do with it.
Anyway. not too much else going on. Just passing the time and enjoying the time with my family.
So I haven't done my quiet time in a few days. I don't know what's going on. It just seems that I can't keep up with doing it on a daily basis. I can't even say that I'm too busy and I forget. Honestly, I'm not that busy during the day. I mean, God is the creator of the universe, and He still makes time for me. I can't even make time for Him on days that I don't do anything. How am I going to keep up with my quiet time on days that I have work, class, etc? Gah. I don't even know what to do with it.
Anyway. not too much else going on. Just passing the time and enjoying the time with my family.
