contemplative....

I need something different.

Random update

I absolutely love my friends.

I didn't even realize how much I missed them until last night.

It was a bit bittersweet, though. There were a lot of people that I didn't know, and few people that I did. All in all it was a good night. Karaoke was fun. First time ever, and I had a blast. I'd definitely do it again.

Anyway. I should get out of the bed and actually do something. Like brush my teeth and get dressed so I can go to campus and get my paperwork signed.

the trick is to find something to occupy your mind

A million things to say, and yet nothing comes to mind.

This happens to me a lot, I think.

Or perhaps I'm just being dramatic. Probably both.

Today finds me making plans. All kinds of plans. Unfortunately, the biggest plan has become a non-plan (if that makes sense?) Unfortunately, having the money to do something does not mean one is able to afford it, and this is the problem facing me. I've been somewhat planning my week, focusing on the schoolwork that I need to get done. Delegating each subject to one day. That should help me to be where I need to. I need to remind myself to start working on my research paper and not letting that build up until the last possible moment. I suppose schoolwork is Plan 1. Plan 2 is tomorrow's plans: job hunting. Hopefully that goes well. I would also like to stop by the library, though I'm not really sure for what. I have quite a few books that are waiting to be read. So maybe I'll take that out of the plan. I guess the "master plan" is to create some sort of routine out of what seems to be chaos.

It seems to be a fine line I walk with this thing. If I go too long without it, I find myself slowly sinking back into a form of depression. It's not fun. The trick is having the motivation to stick with it, which I find myself losing after about a week. I'm hoping that a job will help with the motivation.

I feel like I'm rambling. I probably am. I'm tired, I think I'll sleep.

Hmm. 25 to start with.

Inspired by one of my favorite bloggers, Meghan, I have decided to make a list of 100 things about me. Also, like Meghan I will probably not make it to 100 in one post, because I get distracted easily. So I'll get as far as I can until I have the urge to do something else.

1. I go through stages where I will listen to one artist constantly for days. Lately, it's been Michael Buble. Today it changed to Paramore.
2. Every so often I get really restless and have a strong desire to get out of wherever I'm at.
3. I really really really really want to go to Italy.
4. I have a list of 15 blogs that I check on a daily basis.
5. I hate silence. It bothers me beyond explanation. Therefore, I am always playing music, or there is always noise coming from somewhere. Even when I sleep sometimes.
6. I can't tell you off the top of my head things that I've learned from my classes, but I can probably sing most songs from memory.
7. My high school gym teacher got fired for having an affair with one of his students.
8. I wish I had the motivation to become a professional photographer. I don't even have the motivation to learn what it takes.
9. When I was in high school, I walked around for an entire day barefoot just because one of my friends said I would get in trouble. I didn't.
10. I love strawberries. They are my favorite fruitfood.
11. My bedroom is painted pink.
12. I have a tendency to walk into a room and forget why I'm there. Then I have to retrace my steps to remember what I was doing.
13. It's not that I hate working out, I'm just too lazy to do it.
14. I am amused by simple things, like my puppy chasing a 2 liter bottle.
15. I love driving fast to loud music. I'm convinced that this will result in a ticket one day.
16. I love shrimp. And fish. And food in general.
17. When I'm bored, I spend a lot of time looking up things that I'm interested in and I bookmark the sites I find. Then I don't do anything with them.
18. I love Law and Order: SVU. I watch every episode.
19. I taught myself to read when I was like 3. Ever since then I've loved books. This past year, I've read maybe one book and that upsets me.
20. The summer after I graduated college, I made a bet with a friend and I watched Dirty Dancing every day for 3 and a half months. Up until Elizabethtown, it was my favorite movie.
21. I love the book Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen. I've read it more times than I've seen Dirty Dancing. I love the movie, too.
22. I can be really stubborn.
23. I am very emotional. It doesn't take much to make me cry usually.
24. About two years ago I decided to do yoga. I love it. I wish I did it more.
25. I am a people watcher. I love it. I think people are so funny when they don't think anyone is looking.

Okay. Thus ends this portion. I have to run errands. I'll finish this later.

oh college

Things you expect to learn from your college courses:
1. How to avoid doing homework until the last possible minute.
2. How to convince a professor to give you an extension.
3. How to pass a class without actually attending.

Things you DON'T expect to learn from college courses:
1. How to make crack cocaine.

Guess which one I learned???

Hillsong - The Stand

You stood before creation
Forever within Your hand
You spoke all life into motion
My soul now to stand

You stood before my failure
And carried the cross for my shame
My sin weighed upon Your shoulders
My soul now to stand

So what can I say
And what could I do
But offer this heart O God
Completely to You

So I’ll walk upon salvation
Your Spirit alive in me
This life to declare Your promise
My soul now to stand

So I’ll stand
With arms high and heart abandoned
In awe of the One who gave it all

I’ll stand
My soul Lord to You surrendered
All I am is Yours

So what can I say
And what could I do
But offer this heart O God
Completely to You

Everlasting, Your light will shine when all else fails

I feel like I have so much to say, but now that I'm ready to type it all out, I got nothing. Typical. I hate it when that happens.

I also hate it when blogger decides to have "scheduled outages" in different time zones. I never know which time that is here, so with my luck I decide to write out a lengthy post and then the "scheduled outage" starts and I lose it all. I suppose I should do the same things that I now do with my comments, and copy it first so I can save it and post it later. Or just find out how many hours behind (or ahead of) me PDT is. That would probably be the more sensible thing.

I've been sick the past two days. Well, sick yesterday and sick-ish today. I felt well enough to go out and run errands, but that drained all my energy. So I spent the rest of the day at home, relaxing. And playing with the puppy. Of course. She is absolutely adorable and I love her. Love love love her. Unfortunately, I got no school work done. Not for lack of trying. I got out all the stuff I need, books, pens, paper, etc... I just never did anything. Oh well, there's always tomorrow. I'm sure I'll do something because I know there are deadlines. Plus I don't know how I'll be feeling tomorrow, and I just learned that being sick is not an excuse in an online class! Shame.

It's been two days since I've done my quiet time. Yesterday I never really woke up. It was like a perpetual state of sleep, even when I was awake I was groggy. I even slept through Big Brother! That should tell you the state I was in! Luckily, I already knew what was going to happen, so there was no surprise there. This is the last week, so things will be interesting. No more finding out things ahead of time! Kinda sad, but kinda exciting! I have no excuse for not doing my quiet time today.

Speaking of, I have to say I'm pretty disappointed in my devotional journal. It's by Beth Moore and it's called Praying God's Word Devotional Journal. I bought it online so I didn't really have a chance to get a good look at it, just what Amazon had on their inside view thing. I like(d) that it had a small excerpt on how to apply scripture to life. Or at least that's what I thought it was. I also liked that it had a margin for writing some notes. Then there were quite a few verses. It turns out that this devotional does not encourage study of the scripture at all. It seems to me that it is more geared toward using Moore's book Praying God's Word. And while the verses apply to the small excerpt, they really don't do much else. The way they are used is as a prayer. There is no passage given, nothing that encourages use of this journal as an aid to Scripture. Rather it seems to be meant for use as a substitute. There is no "meat" to it. I do not recommend it to anyone looking for a substantial devotional aid. I'm halfway through it, so I feel that I have really gotten a sense of what it is about. Also, there are times when I open it up, and just feel like "ugh. this doesn't even apply to me" or "you know, I feel like I need something more than this today." I realized that the mistake I had made when buying it was not researching it and finding out what other people had gotten out of it, problems they had had, and whether or not other people had found it helpful. So this is what I will be doing before buying my next devotional.

On that note, there has been something that has been on my mind for a few days. It has been swirling around in my mind, exactly how I want it to come out, and how exactly to get the emotion of it across. The other night I discovered a song on my ipod that I knew was there, but had never really paid attention to. I recommend it for anyone looking for an amazing worship song. It's called "The Stand" by Hillsong. At the time, the lyrics were just so powerful to me. It honestly became a spontaneous moment of worship. I shut my lights off, put my computer on hibernate and my cell phone on silent. I sat in the dark, with this song on repeat and just sat in the presence of God. I lifted up all the things that I had been struggling with. I lifted up all the praise for all the blessings. I cried, I felt joy, I felt pain. I felt clean. It was the most amazing moment that I can remember. It occurred to me that this was the joy that was promised to me. It was this overwhelming feeling that made me want to cry. But not out of misery or pain. Literally tears of joy. I had felt this before, but never recognized it. I felt God as clearly as I feel the keys on my keyboard. It was that powerful. I love those moments. There are few moments of worship I have experienced so profoundly. Some of the greatest moments of worship at church can't even touch this experience.

How do you top that? What can you say after something like that. For me, worship is such an insanely personal thing that sometimes it's so hard for me to openly worship, even at church. I feel as if I am being watched, judged. I know that it shouldn't matter, and a lot of times it doesn't. I have come so far from that, where those moments are so rare, yet they still happen. I know that it's irrational, and even if it were true and I was being watched I shouldn't care. But sometimes I find it hard to lose myself in the worship.

I suppose this is a good post for confessions? Seems like it. Even if it's not, that's what you're getting. I am a terrible accountability partner. I wish I knew how to be better. I can barely keep myself accountable. My quiet time is scattered, and at times a mess. I'm so worried about not pushing buttons or stepping on toes that I am afraid to approach topics that I know are testy. I ask basic questions, but not in depth ones. I wouldn't even know where to begin. And considering that I feel worship is personal, I feel awkward talking about stuff I'm going through. I feel weird opening up, as odd as that sounds. I feel equally as awkward discussing things in my spiritual life. I guess you could say I feel like a poser. As if I'm playing a part, or perhaps when you're in a discussion in which you know nothing about the topic, but you speak as if you do and pray that no one notices that you're clueless. Sometimes this is how I feel when discussing my faith. I feel like I'm an impostor and I pray that people don't discover me. It's strange. And I feel that it stunts my growth and my relationships.

Apparently the "scheduled outage" starts in 10 minutes, so I suppose I should post this before hand. (copying just in case!) I would be upset if I lost this!

crazy little thing called love

Sometimes I just don't feel like talking to very many people. I would just like to listen to a little music, talk to one or two close friends, and just relax. Why is it that these are the times when annoying people attempt to talk to me?

Ugh.

say it's me that you adore, and then darlin' tell me when

Things I enjoy:

• Playing pool online.
  
• Getting comments on my blog.
• Blogging.
• Michael Buble (but you knew that!)
• Perusing e-bay for random things.
• Sweet tea.
• Taking pictures of my friends and family.
• Cocktail rings. (if you have any you don't want, feel free to send them my way!)
• Pearls (same as cocktail rings!)
  
• Reading about other people's lives

What do you enjoy?

I'm terrible about procrastinating. I have been avoiding this assignment like it's the plague. Granted, it's not due until Thursday, but I have four assignments due this week. So I figured if I do one a day,then I'm good. But today that didn't work out so well. Hmm. I'm gonna use the excuse that it's labor day. Even though it has nothing to do with that. Whatever. Tomorrow's assignment is a lot less involved. So perhaps I'll do them both tomorrow. That would be ideal.

Bon Jovi - Lost Highway

In my rear view mirror
My life is gettin' clearer
The sunset sighs and slowly disappears
These trinkets once were treasure
Life changes like the weather
You grow up, grow old or hit the road ’round here
So I drive, watching white lines passing by
With my plastic dashboard Jesus, waiting there to greet us

Hey, hey, I finally found my way
Say goodbye to yesterday
Hit the gas there ain’t no brakes on this lost highway
Yeah I’m busting loose, I’m letting go
Out on this open road
It’s independence day on this lost highway

I don’t know where I’m going
But I know where I’ve been
I’m afraid of going back again
So I drive, years and miles are flying by
And waiting there to great us
Is my plastic dashboard Jesus

Hey, hey, I finally found my way
Say goodbye to yesterday
Hit the gas there ain’t no brakes on this lost highway
Yeah I’m busting loose, I’m letting go
Out on this open road
It’s independence day on this lost highway

Oh patron saint of lonely souls
Tell this boy which way to go
Guide the car, you got the keys
Farewell to mediocrity
Kicking off the cruise-control
And turning up the radio
Got just enough religion
And a half tank of gas come on, let’s go

I finally found my way
Say goodbye to yesterday
Hit the gas there ain’t no brakes on this lost highway
I’m busting loose, I’m letting go
When I'm out on this open road
It’s independence day on this lost highway