I can't come up with a catchy title.

Hrm. This is pretty much not good. I'm getting back into the habit of staying awake until about 2 a.m. and waking up around noon. For about a week and a half, I was going to sleep around 10 or 11 p.m. and waking up around 7 a.m. I pretty much liked that schedule. Don't get me wrong, it's not like I don't get enough sleep, and I am on "vacation" so to speak, but I know that if I keep this sleeping schedule the rest of break, I won't have a good sleeping schedule when I get back to school. I suppose that sometime in the next few day I'll try to get back into the schedule. For now I'm watching "20 Most Horrifying Hollywood Murders" on the E! Channel. It's pretty interesting.

So I haven't done my quiet time in a few days. I don't know what's going on. It just seems that I can't keep up with doing it on a daily basis. I can't even say that I'm too busy and I forget. Honestly, I'm not that busy during the day. I mean, God is the creator of the universe, and He still makes time for me. I can't even make time for Him on days that I don't do anything. How am I going to keep up with my quiet time on days that I have work, class, etc? Gah. I don't even know what to do with it.

Anyway. not too much else going on. Just passing the time and enjoying the time with my family.

...

Coming home in the past has always been very bittersweet for me. This time is very different. Usually coming home means being restless, it means being anxious about going back to school.

This semester has been so stressful for me. Between classes, work, personal relationships, and my brother leaving I was stretched out way too thin. I dropped the ball a lot this semester. I definitely struggled with a lot. It got to the point where not only was I not in the mood to go out and be social, but I couldn't even deal with being alone. Coming home was such a relief. It was a chance to get away from everything and everyone that was causing me anxiety.

This last week was sooo amazing. It was so great to be able to get a full night's sleep, every night. I actually have been doing my quiet time. Most importantly, I've been able to spend time with my family. It's been very weird not having my brother here, and it's a little sad, but it's still been great. I think that had this break not come right now I would probably have had a nervous break down.

Anyway. I have two weeks left at home. I don't really have any plans. I don't really have anything else to say, so I guess I'm gonna go to sleep.

Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas!!!!

I hope that people remember the real reason we celebrate this holiday. It's not the gifts, or the food, or the decorations. It's the King who was born in a barn so that He would die for the sins of you and I.

Totally Tubular!

So it's 6:15 a.m. The second day in a row that I've woken up this early after a full night's sleep. It's the best feeling in the world, a good night's sleep. I think this should happen every night!

So I knew that this past week was going to take a toll on my body/health. But I definitely didn't expect to get strep throat. I didn't even know it was going around, but I got it. Though I'm definitely not surprised. If someone within a 15 foot vicinity of me is carrying it, I'm likely to get it. Luckily, we still had the prescription from when my sister had strep throat, and I caught it early. So hopefully it won't get too bad.

Plus it gives me an excuse to be lazy :-P

Yesterday was a pretty good day. I got most of my Christmas shopping done. There's only one more person that I need to buy a gift for, but first I need to verify that we're doing a gift exchange. It would help if he would answer his flippin phone! Haha. Last night I tried calling my friend TJ to see if he wanted to get some dinner at Chili's while I was out and about but he never answered. Oh well. Just wasn't meant to be, I guess.

I don't know what all we're doing today. I know that I need to do some laundry, and my mom is baking :) Plus, tonight is third advent. So that's pretty exciting. Since it's the third one, we get to pick out a small gift from under the tree. I'm pretty excited about that!

I also borrowed my sister's Hanson Christmas cd (don't hate) and am currently uploading it on my computer to put on my ipod. All the while drinking green tea with lemon, which I'm hoping will help my poor throat.

Oh man! So last night I went shopping at Target (I LOVE THAT STORE!) and bought the coolest Trivial Pursuit game ever. It's Trivial Pursuit: Totally 80s! My family loves to play board games, especially trivial pursuit games. We own so many of them. So of course, I had to have it. Plus I got a new Target Card yesterday, so why not spend some money?! Haha, actually. The game was going to be a gift to my family, and I was going to wrap it and everything. Then I decided that I wanted to play it too badly, so I just left it unwrapped and we played it last night. Such good times! My mom, of course, is full of information that you'd never think anyone would know, and she won!

Some of my favorite family memories include playing board games.

HOORAY!

I'm so excited that this semester is finally over. I took my last exam today. I don't know how I did on it, and I don't particularly care right now. I'm sure I'll care when I get back to normal, but right now I'm just so glad that this week is over with.

Tomorrow morning at 9 I'm going to babysit Collin and Griffin. I'm pretty excited about it, they're only the cutest kids in the world. After that I have to do my checkout with my RA and then finish up whatever in my room and then I can leave.

I am so glad to be going home! Today after my exam I got to sleep. It was honestly the best sleep I've had in a long time. I didn't have to worry about waking up by a certain time, or having to wake up and study. It felt so good!

Other than sleep (rarely) and study, I haven't done much this week. Last night I did get to do some shopping, and went to steak and shake with some friends. That was a nice break from the ordinary.

I need to remember tomorrow that I have a couple Christmas cards I need to get mailed out. I also need to find my stamps and get some addresses. What I really need to do is pack. I'll do that in a little while.

I did my quiet time a few times this week, but my schedule has been so messed up that I just didn't do it. Starting tomorrow I'm gonna try to start doing in every day, at around the same time.

Anyway, I guess that's it. Gonna surf the web and listen to some Christmas music.

have you seen me and what I want to be did anybody call did anyone at all ask where I was did you tell them it's because I've been here so long

So I'm halfway through my finals. Two down, two to go.

I have to be honest, though. I have done absolutely nothing today as far as the 8 page paper that I have due tomorrow. I'm not really worried about, but I should work on it. Instead I've watched the new episode of House. I also watched How The Grinch Stole Christmas as well as like some background thing on it. I love that show! So cute!

Anyway. I'm pretty exhausted, but it's like I'm too tired to sleep. It's weird. I was in a weird mood tonight, and I ignored all phone calls after like 9. I also put up an away message and didn't talk to anyone. It felt good to just kinda be in my own world for a little while. I think that's something everyone should do for themselves once in a while.

I go home on Friday. I'm definitely ready to get away from here for a while. This semester has been pretty rough for me. It'll be great to be able to spend some time with my sister, and with the rest of my family. I'm definitely looking forward to getting into all the holiday stuff. On the 22nd, we're having our family Christmas party. This year it's at our house. I'll be able to see my cousins, and my Oma and Grandpa, and my aunts, and my uncles. One of my uncles will be home from Afghanistan, so I'm excited about that.

I'm also looking forward to doing some shopping! I can't wait for the after-Christmas specials. But mostly, I'm just looking forward to having some sort of normal sleeping pattern, and being able to spend time with my family.

I thank God every day for my family. It's going to be sad this year, though. It will be the first Christmas in my entire life that my brother hasn't been with us. That's still pretty tough, and I'm still having a hard time with the whole situation. If you're a praying person, please pray for my brother. He's so lost, with no direction for his life.

hooray for more Christmas traditions!

Sometimes all you need is to be rescued from yourself.

This weekend could have gone really badly for me.

Instead, I have amazing friends. Tonight was one of those nights where I wasn't really feeling up to being social, I just wanted to be alone. but obviously God had other plans, because I'm currently sitting in Jess' apartment at 6:08 a.m. after having only gone home for a few minutes to grab my stuff and leave again. Granted, I didn't get any of my own studying done, but that doesn't matter. I think tonight was one of those nights where I probably shouldn't have been alone. It's like, sometimes, when all you want to do is be by yourself that's the last thing that should happen. It's hard to explain. Tonight was fun, in a random sort of way. I should probably study. And I will. Just not right now. Right now I'm going to blog about nothing. Well actually, I'm going to write about another Christmas tradition, because It's technically Sunday, and today is the second Advent.

So, like I said before, my dad is German. Hence, we have a lot of German Christmas traditions. Although, I don't really know if Advent is particularly German, I'm gonna pretend it is until someone proves me wrong. Advent is the waiting period before Christ's birth. It's celebrated the four Sundays before Christmas eve. We have an advent wreath, with four taper candles, and a pillar candle in the middle. On the first Sunday we light the first candle, and on the second Sunday the second candle, and so on and so forth. On Christmas Eve we light the pillar candle in the middle of the wreath. Before my brother moved out, Advent was a whole production. My brother, sister, and I would go into a bedroom and shut the door. We would read the story of Christ's birth, and talk about it until it was time to come out. We always knew when it was time to come out because that's when we would hear the music start. When we came out of the room, our parents would have turned on all the Christmas lights, and lit all the angel chime-things (I'll try to describe those later and find out what they're called) and we would each have a tray with little candies and perhaps a small gift. On the first Advent, it was only candy. Which was fine with us. On the second Advent, a small unwrapped gift. Third Advent was a larger unwrapped gift, and by Fourth Advent there would most likely be gifts under the tree, and we would be allowed to choose one (although sometimes they were chosen for us.) Afterwards, we would all sit around and discuss the story we had read. I think it was something tat made me appreciate Christmas even more, and it's definitely a tradition that I'll carry on with my own family.

Let me breathe my strength my solace from the spring

What is it about stepping outside our comfort zone that makes us stuck in our ways?

What is it about admitting that we're wrong or need help?

Why are so good at giving advice to people in the same situation we are, yet we can't take our own advice?

This is the place I'm in. I have no idea how to ask for help. My pride gets in the way. I hate admitting that I can't do something on my own, and that damned comfort zone will be the death of me. Or at least the spiritual death of me. I see the women around me, and I the passion that they have, the relationship they have with God. I wish I could have that. I don't know how. I honestly don't know. I don't know where to begin, I always feel like I'm doing something wrong. I mean, things go well for a while. then something happens. I get sidetracked, and before I know it I'm back where I started. Why do I keep ending up like this. How do I get out of this cycle?

I believe that I mentioned somewhere before that I feel like I've lost all capacity for feeling bad or feeling guilty this semester. I wish I knew why. I wish I knew how to get it back. I know this sounds weird, but I want so badly to feel guilty! The twist is, when I do something wrong, I know that it's wrong. Not only do I know it's wrong, but I avoid telling people about it because I know that it's wrong. I don't know if I avoid telling them because I feel bad about it, or because I don't want them to judge me. I think it has more to do with being judged. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place, and I don't know what to do.

I desperately need an accountability partner, and someone who can help me get through this.

There's nothing like the joy that fills your heart when you know that you are loved.

I am in the best mood that I've been in these past few weeks. I just finished my paper!!! Not only did I finish it, but I happen to think it's pretty good!

Aside from that, it's almost finals week, which means that it's almost time to go home!!!! I go home in 9 days, and I'm so excited! Plus, I get to see my family on Saturday, which I'm pretty stoked about. I found out that I'm getting an 81 in one of my classes (which is definitely NOT what I thought I was getting!) and so now I don't have to take the extra credit quiz tomorrow! Which means I don't have to read an unnecessary book, which will only take up brain space that needs to be filled with information pertinent to my finals.

So seeing as how it's December 6th (rather, it's 2:50 a.m. on December 7th, but I still haven't slept, so it's December 6th to me), I think I'll share one of my favorite childhood Christmas traditions. I must preface this by saying that my dad is German, so this is a German tradition.

December 6th was always the night in our house that Niklaus came, because that's the day that he came in Germany. Niklaus is the German Santa Claus. As kids we'd always get so excited! Of course, Niklaus couldn't come until it was dark, because he never traveled in the daylight. But that never stopped us from asking when he was coming! It was the biggest thing in our house! And we always knew when he was coming because he would ring bells. We listened for the bells pretty much as soon as the sun set. Niklaus would bring us bags with gifts and candy, and would set the bags by the door. As soon as we heard the bells we knew that he had brought the gifts. The first thing we did was run to the window to get a glimpse of him! It was the best feeling in the world when we saw Niklaus walking away in his red suit with his beard and his black boots in the snow. One year he even had a sleigh with a horse! Then of course we brought in our bags and proceeded to sort through our Christmas treasures! Those are memories that I will never forget, and traditions that I will carry out with my own children.

Perhaps I will share mor traditions as Christmas gets closer :)

I don't know where to go from here, except I do.

So it's 3 a.m. and I'm hanging out at the BCM. I'm not really sure why I'm here, actually. I should be at home either sleeping or working on my paper. But I'm doing neither. I should be working on my paper here, but I'm not. Instead I'm just sitting around doing nothing. In like two hours we're gonna go check the line for tickets to the football game, and after that I don't know what. If she needs me to, I'll stand in line with Jess so I can get a ticket with my ID cuz she doesn't have hers.

Anyway. Things are weird. I don't know, maybe because it's the end of the semester or because I'm extremely stressed. Either way it's a weird feeling. I haven't done my quiet time since Saturday, even though I keep saying that I'm going to. It's possible that I'm going to throw my shoes on and grab my sweater and go outside and spend some time with God, but we'll see how that goes, too.

I'm at a really weird place relationship-wise. A while ago I made the decision that I wasn't going to date anyone and I really meant it. I felt (and still feel) that I'm not in a place to be in a relationship. I don't have the time nor energy to devote to a relationship. Plus I'm not in any place spiritually to be in a relationship. I can't even keep focused on God while I'm single, there's no way I could balance that and a relationship.

Despite knowing all that, I so desperately want the intimacy that comes with a relationship. I want the friendship, and the romance, and above all the intimacy. Sometimes it doesn't bother me that much, then others it's just an overwhelming feeling. It can also sometimes be an uncomfortable feeling, and I find myself being envious of friends who are in a relationship.

I know that this is a period of growth and that God is trying to teach me something. Unfortunately, I'm not moving forward very much. In fact, I might be moving slightly backwards, or at the very least standing still.

I don't know where to go from here, except I do.

Restless..... and it's only 9:30 a.m.

Do you ever feel that you were meant for something more, something bigger?

The kind of restless I'm talking about isn't the typical "can't sit still" restless. It's a restlessness in my heart. A feeling that right here, right now isn't what God has meant for me.

I love this place, I love my friends, but I want more. I want bigger.

When I was living at home, before I came to school, someone who was once a good friend told me that I didn't belong in that town. He said that it was too small for me, and it was true. But even the restlessness I felt then isn't the same as the kind I feel now.

It's hard, because on one hand I just want to be finished with school, and start my life. On the other hand, I want to make the best of college, I want to soak in the experience, and I want to grow. I know I'm not ready to be done with school. I just can't help but feel restless once in a while.

5 Untold Truths About Me

1. I am stubborn.

2. I hate admitting when I'm wrong.

3. Sometimes I get freaked out in the dark.

4. I have a hard time getting close to people even though I seem to have a lot of friends.

5. I hate asking for help (so when I ask for help it means I really need it)

I so hate consequences

True to form, I put off doing my papers until the very last minute. the very last minute. I finished the first paper two hours before it was due to be emailed. So I emailed that sucker and went to sleep for three hours. That gave me 6 hours before my next paper was due. Technically 7 hours, but I was aiming for an hour early so I had time to fix errors and print it out and whatnot. Well imagine my surprise when the 8 page paper I set down to write ended up being assigned as a 10 page paper. That should have been my first sign. But I figured, no problem I can get this done. I was wrong. I read the book that the aper was on, and then I drafted out a quick outline and began typing my "think" paper. With a paper like that, you'd think it would be easy to type up ten pages, double spaced. 4 o'clock rolled around and I was finished. There was only one problem. It was only 5 pages, and despite everything I tried, I just couldn't get it to ten pages. So I had to make a hard decision. I could pray and pray that in one hour I could type five whole pages and print it out and get it in on time and have it be at the very most a C or D paper. Or, I could put it aside and work on it this weekend and make it an A or B paper, and take a full letter grade reduction for handing it in late. Unfortunately I have to take the reduction because there was no way I was getting that done by 6 o'clock. But that leaves me this weekend to work on it, plus I have a test in the same class on Monday, so I need to study for that. oh the stress. But, I did this to myself, so now I just have to deal with the consequences, even though they suck. Hopefully next time I'll remember how stressful this was and get my stuff done (or at least started) early!

I'm getting ready to go grab something to eat and then head to work for the early shift. I really need to make some money and I've picked up a few shifts this week for bill money and Christmas money. So that was a blessing. Luckily, all my shifts are base shifts, which means that I can take my study guide into work tonight and fill in all the answers. I can't wait for this semester to be over. I'm so ready to be done with these dumb law classes and get into my criminology stuff! So excited! I'm mostly looking forward to sleeping tonight! I'll probably spend all day tomorrow filling in answers on my study guide. Hooray for Saturdays!

It's lovely weather for a sleigh ride (I wish!)

I've come to the conclusion that people have little detectors that go off whenever I decide to have some "me" time. I've been exhausted for the past few days, so today after my classes I decided I was going to sleep until I felt better and then work on my papers. I went to sleep at 2 and woke up at 7. I still haven't gotten around to writing my papers, but since 2, I've received phone calls from 5 different people, one person has called about 4 times, and gotten two text messages. Understand that this is highly unusual for me. Normally, I only receive about 2 phone calls in an entire day and maybe one text message. Now, one friend I can understand because she's having an especially hard time lately, but as for the others, COME ON! This is ridiculous. If I don't answer the phone the first two times, chances are good that I'm not going to answer the third, fourth, or fifth times either. Also, I've had an away message up pretty much all day and I haven't talked to anyone. It's just been some good "me" time. Except I haven't worked on either of my papers at all, which is not good. They're both due on Friday, one at 10 a.m. and the other by 6 p.m. Ugh. Guess what I'll be doing tomorrow?

Anyway. It's 2:30 a.m. and I'm going to go back to sleep. I'm tired again.

Hooray for hot cocoa and Christmas music!

a beautiful collision is happening now

I hate the way my fingers are stiff when I wake up in the morning.

Hooray for an amazing God!

Last night I picked up an early shift at work. What a blessing! I also picked up a few shifts in the coming week. That will definitely be so great. It will help out with the money that I've spent, and with money for Christmas. Plus I keep forgetting that I get to sell my books back soon!

Last night I got off work at 11:30, and I ended up going to Jess' apartment to hang out with her and stay the night. It was definitely very much what I needed. It wasn't anything profound, we just hung out but it was great after not having seen anyone for a week.

gah.

So much to say but the words won't come!

I have class today at 2, and another at 4. I have two papers due this week, one on Thursday and one on Friday. The one on Friday came as a big surprise because I thought it was due next week and I had absolutely no clue what it was supposed to be about. So that's kinda crappy, but it'll get done. I have no choice. The other paper is one I've known about for a few weeks, but as usual, I put it off til the last possible minute.

UGH! I hate growing up and becoming an adult. There's too much responsibility. I will gladly trade the "freedoms" of living on your own for the lack of responsibility that comes with not being an adult.

I think the thing that hurts me more than anything else is when I see my friends hurting and I don't know what to do to help, or even worse there's nothing I can do to help.

Definitely NOT studying :(

so I'm in the library. It's 8:30. Obviously I didn't go to Late Nite. I need to study for this test so that I can get a decent grade and keep my gpa up. It's not that I haven't gotten anything done, it's just that it's coming along slowly. I've got my Starbucks mug, full of coffee that's chock full of sugar, vanilla, and cinnamon. I'm doing this review so slowly. It's just not interesting. I honestly don't know how this is going to keep my attention at all! It doesn't help that the study rooms are like 4 feet away and the group of people inside one of them is really loud. She keeps laughing loudly and getting all excited. It's pretty distracting. At least I remembered to bring my headphones so I can listen to music. My friend is flying back into town and she's going to join me here and we're going to have a "library party"! I must say I'm pretty excited. After a week at home, I'm ready to see someone that's not family! haha.

So, last night I was sitting in my bed, playing on my computer and watching television. Chris IMed me. It was kinda odd. He kinda acted like nothing happened at first. So I flat out asked him why I hadn't heard from him for two weeks. He claimed he thought I 'was mad at him' and then pointed out that I hadn't IMed him either. When I asked why he thought I was mad at him, he didn't answer then said that he was going to watch tv and would talk to me later. Shockingly, he hasn't IMed me. I'm pretty okay with that.

Mmm. So I'm officially a criminology major. That's pretty exciting. I get to take my basic criminology classes next semester. I have a feeling that next semester will go better than this one.

YAY! the noisy group left. Now I might be able to focus a little more. Ha. Who am I kidding? Oh well, I'll get some stuff done. Eventually. For now, I'll continue to pretend I'm doing something. Maybe I'll run downstairs and get more coffee. I think I'll bite the bullet and ask the guy two tables over to watch my stuff. I hate doing stuff like that, but 1) I don't feel comfortable just leaving my stuff and 2) I refuse to pack up my stuff just to go get more coffee, especially because I have a table right by an outlet. Curses.

there's a smile when the pain comes, the pain's gonna make everything alright

This week has been good for me. I didn't get to do the things I had planned, but I'm okay with that. I was supposed to study for a test and hang out with an old friend. I did neither of those. I did spend lots of time with my family, and I watched two movies that I've never seen. I saw You, Me, and Dupree and Over The Hedge. They were both really funny and cute.

This week was very relaxing. It was very good for me, helped me put a lot of things into perspective. I don't know, leaving is kinda bittersweet. As Jess put it, I'm not "ready for normal life." I just want this semester to be over. I want to find another job and not have to worry about this dumb job.

I don't know. I'm in a weird mood. It's a mix between PMS, anxiety, and like a happy sadness. I'm having a really hard time with this whole "friend" situation. If it's true that in the past few weeks I've learned who my real friends are then that means that I'm not left with very many real friends.

wow. so I just realized that I haven't done my quiet time at all this week. I haven't spent any time with God. I honestly don't know what my problem is. There were actually a couple of days where it never occurred to me to even do it. Actually, I don't think there were any days that it occurred to me that I should do it. I mean, why do I feel like I "should" do it? Before this week, it wasn't even a matter of should or shouldn't. It was honestly something that I wanted. I don't know what changed.

This post is a bunch of ramblings that probably won't make much sense to anyone except me.

I hate it when you feel like crying but the tears won't come. The worst part is that most of this is probably attributed to PMS. I feel like I need something but I don't know what.

"I can see a light that is coming for the heart that holds on. And there will be an end to these troubles, but until that day comes still I will praise You."

Weeping may endure for the night, but joy comes in the morning.

It's the greatest feeling when God puts people into your life who help you to be a better person.

I know You're alive, You came to fix my broken life and I sing to glorify Your holy name, Jesus Christ.

I'm so thankful for all the blessings in my life. Sometimes I may not always see them, and I may not always act that way, but I am aware that they're continually coming my way.

On second thought, maybe I am ready to go back to normal life.

33 days til christmas!

There's nothing like coming home.

Nothing can compare to the feeling of home. I love being here. I know that I've complained about heing home, and that by the time I leave, I'll probably be ready to go, but for now I'm just so happy to be here. It's definitely a needed break from the stress of school and life in general.

I missed my mom so much. I'm so excited about spending time with her and doing all the holiday stuff with her. On Saturday we're going to put up our Christmas tree, I think. I'm so super excited about it!

Anyway. I'm probably going to go to sleep now.

I Stole this from Ellie (and changed the return directions)

1. What time is it? 3:48 p.m.
2. Full Name? Amber
3. What do you fear most? Spiders, and being alone
4. What do you drive? When I go home, it's a Ford Taurus, when I'm at school, nothing
5. Have you ever seen a ghost? No, I don't believe in ghosts
6. Where were you born? New Mexico
7. Ever been to Alaska? No
8. Ever been toilet papering rolling in decorating trees? No
9. Croutons or Bacon bits? Bacon Bits
10. Favorite day of the week: Sunday
11. Favorite restaurant: Olive Garden, but I'm really missing home cooked meals
12. Favorite Flower: Lily
13. Favorite sport to watch: football
14. Favorite Drink: Margarita...(oh good answer ellie!) other than that, sweet tea
15. Favorite Ice cream: strawberry
16. Disney or Warner Brothers: I don't really care
17. Favorite fast food restaurant: mmmmmm Chick fil a or Subway
18. What color is your bedroom carpet? uhh this ugly dark gray
19. How many times you failed your driver's test? none
20. Before this one, who did you get your last e-mail from? (well this wasn't an email) but the last one was from the director of the BCM
21. What do you do most often when you are bored? uhh sleep? that's probably what I do
22. Bedtime: whenever I either a) get tired or b) get home
23. Who will respond to this email the quickest? I have no clue
24. Who is the person you sent this to that is least likely to respond? Doesn't apply
25. Who is the person that you are most curious to see their responses? Pretty much everyone
26. Favorite TV show? Grey's Anatomy
27. Ford or Chevy? it really doesn't matter to me
28. What are you listening to right now? my new cd, "Become What You Believe" by Last Tuesday
29. What are your favorite colors? Pink, Purple, and black
30. How many tattoos do you have? four!
31. Do you have any pets? I have a cat at home
32. Which came first the chicken or the egg? Chicken
33. What would you like to accomplish before you die? wow... I'd really like to impact (read:change) the world, but smaller than that, I'd like to finish college, get married, have a family, and lead people to Christ
34. How many people are you sending this e-mail to? I'm not, I am going to post it on my blog.
35. If you could go anywhere real or not where would you go? I really want to go to Italy, Greece, New York, and Germany
36. If you could meet anyone in the world, who would it be? hmm, Jon Bon Jovi, David Crowder, Mac Powell (actually all of Third Day), Bono (from U2), the man I'm going to marry, Ellie, Hillsong, and there's more but I can't think of them
37. What time is it now? 3:56 p.m.

RETURN DIRECTIONS: Since this is no longer an "email" questionnaire (i like that word), I've changed the directions. Copy and paste this into your own blog (no matter where it is) and put in your own answers. let me know that you did it so I can go check out your answers!

That's what Christmas means to me

ah! so proud of myself! well, kinda. I'm currently in the library. What am I doing in the library you ask? Well I'll tell you. I'm studying!

don't have a heart attack, I know it's a shock. It is to me, too. I've got my laptop (obviously!), my constitutional law book, all my study guide stuff, and Christmas music! That's right, I said Christmas music. You better believe that it's not too early to be listening to Christmas music. I'm really super excited about the holidays. I can't wait to see my family! I'm going home on probably Tuesday. I get to help decorate for Christmas!!!!! I'm so flippin excited, I'm gonna take so many pictures! I wish it would stay cold, it was 81 degrees yesterday! That is not holiday weather! But even that can't get me down! I'm feeling so much better!

I'm sleeping better, getting enough and not sleeping all day. I can't remember the last time I took a nap in the middle of the day! (yeah yeah it was last week, whatever) I've been to every class thus far, and I'm even paying attention. It's pretty great. I've officially decided to switch my major to criminology, and I have an appointment on Monday with the advisor so I can figure out what classes I need to sign up for next semester. I'm also picking up a few shifts here and there at work. I spent a lot more money than I planned on in the past week or so, and I need to make it back. Especially considering Christmas is coming up and I have a few gifts I need to purchase. Mainly for family. There's only a few friends getting actual gifts (not because of money but because there's only a few people that have been good enough friends to actually warrant a gift. The rest of my friends are getting cards and probably cookies. I'm really super excited because tomorrow is the Sanctus Real concert!!!! I can't wait!!!!

Anyway, I know I promised Ellie a post about my family's Christmas traditions, but that's gonna be a whole separate post. I'm getting ready to head back to my room and do some more work there. I'll probably end up posting again before the night is through.

one more!

okay, this is the last post tonight. I promise! (it's 4:41!!! GOSH)

God is amazing.

For like a month now, I've been unable to find my rings. I've looked pretty much everywhere, with no luck. Finally I figured that I'd left them at home last time I was there and gave up looking. Well just a little while ago I was standing at my (open) window enjoying the cold, fresh air (I LOVE FRESH AIR!) and having a conversation with God. I was just asking Him to reveal Himself to me. I was hoping for a shooting star or something. I love that God has a sense of humor, and I love that He always reveals Himself in ways that I least expect it. So I stood there for a while, with nothing. I was like well I should go to sleep. So I got all comfy in my bed, and all of a sudden it occurred to me that possibly I stuck my rings in a zippered part of a purse that I haven't used in forever. I was like no, no way. I decided to wait until I wake up later to check, because seriously what was the likelihood of that being where my rings were? All of a sudden I couldn't stand it, so I got out of bed and found the purse, and there they were! Right under my nose the whole time! I love God's sense of humor. He always reveals Himself to me in the tiniest of ways, and always when I least expect it!

If I ain't smart enough to say I'm sorry, it's just because the words got in the way

I'm beginning to think that it wasn't such a good idea to have 7 cups of coffee after 10 p.m. It's now 3:04 a.m. and I can't sleep. There are so many thoughts in my head, and I'm just not tired.

Luckily, Family Guy is on, and I think it's an episode that I haven't seen. Though now that it's been on for longer than 30 seconds, I do believe that I've seen it. Which means, of course, that there's nothing good on television. Yep, I've seen it.

Moving on.

I'm proud of myself because I buckled down and did homework tonight. I even read the chapter that correlates with tomorrow's lecture! This not having to work thing is really agreeing with me, I think. Too bad I can't sleep. I made a joke about pulling an all-nighter. I didn't really think that's what I would be doing.

I turned the television off and turned on some music. Maybe getting some of my thoughts out will help me sleep. Of course, that is dependent on my thought staying in my brain long enough to type it out. Caffeine really does wonders if you don't get it that often. Normally I drink orange juice and water. Occasionally I have sweet tea, or hot tea once in a while. But more often than not it's water and orange juice. I don't really drink soda that often, and I can't remember the last time I had a real cup of coffee before tonight. So you can imagine what 7 cups in a 2 hour span can do to me.

So I'm supposed to register for next semester's classes on Thursday. Except, I'm thinking about switching my major to criminology so I need to meet with the criminology advisor and I can't do that until Monday. Which means I won't be able to register until then.

I imagine coffee is a lot like alcohol. If you drink it on an empty stomach, the effects are worse. Apparently I didn't eat enough.

Friday I'm going to see Sanctus Real and I'm stoked! They're pretty much my new favorite band, and it's only gonna be like 14 bucks. Super excited!

So I did a crazy thing this weekend. (actually, I did a couple) I told Chris that it wasn't like it was before. I know you're confused. Bear with me. He had a four day pass this weekend and he was in town (or nearby.) Now to understand this story, you have to understand that before he left the army we were kind of friends with benefits. He claimed he was "getting to know me" and in no place to be in a relationship. At that point I was just looking for attention and he happened to be giving it to me. Plus, I was attracted to him. I (and in no way am I proud of this) used to go over to his apartment at 3 a.m. and he would put in a Family Guy dvd and we would pretty much make out. So anyway, he was in town this weekend. Well he said that he wanted to see me. He planned on stopping by on his way to his dad's house on Saturday night. He basically told me that he only had an hour to spend with me, and you can pretty much guess how he wanted to spend it. I told him that we couldn't hang out in my room, and that I just wanted to hang out with him. Well all of a sudden it was "later than he thought" and couldn't we just hang out on Sunday? So I agreed, saying that we could go to lunch or something. Well, the only time he could hang out with me on Sunday was at night (of course) and on the way from his dad's house back to his mom's (or possibly GA I don't know.) I don't really remember how it came up, but I told him that we weren't going to spend any time making out, and that I was no longer interested in him. Shocking how that little revelation all of a sudden changed everything and no longer was he going to have time to "stop by" for an hour or so. Not that I was surprised, nor was I disappointed. I was actually pretty relieved that I didn't have to deal with that anymore. Suffice to say, I don't think I'll be hearing much from him.

The other shocking thing that I've done recently is made the decision to not date. It came after a long struggle with not being in a relationship. After considering my past relationships, I pretty much concluded that I'm horrible when it comes to picking guys for myself. The next guy that I date is going to be the guy that God means for me to marry. And I'm okay with that. Until then, I'm keeping myself pure, and I'm honoring my future husband. That for me is pretty dramatic.

AHHHHHHHHHH so let me just say this: CHRISTMAS IS ALMOST HERE!!!!!!

I'm so flippin' excited. I've already busted out the Christmas cd's. And I'm pretty sure I'm gonna make my own Christmas mix. Oooh... maybe that's what I'll do tonight if I can't sleep. Thanksgiving is in a week, and after that all the holiday traditions begin! I can't wait. This is my favorite time of year. Pretty much the whole month and a half surrounding Christmas. Best time of the year. Period.

Man, it's already 3:41. I wish I could sleep. I don't want to fall asleep and miss class. Especially because I put so much work into preparing for tomorrow's class.

Okay. I think I'm going to sleep now.

keep carrying that anger, it'll eat you up inside

Maybe we like the pain. Maybe we're wired that way. Because without it, I don't know; maybe we just wouldn't feel real. What's that saying? Why do I keep hitting myself with a hammer? Because it feels so good when I stop.
-Meredith Grey


how true is that? It's like some sick form of torture, self-mutilation if you will. Except it's emotional, spiritual, not physical. There are no physical scars. Only emotional ones.

I just finished my quiet time, and I feel amazing. I can't even begin to describe the way it feels, that incredible relief knowing that even though I messed up, I'm not ruined. Though I don't know if I was ever really worried about being "ruined." I think it was more the worry that I would feel like that forever.

His anger is but for a moment, His favor is for life. Weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning. Psalm 30:5

Starting over again...

I'm so frustrated with myself. For so many different reasons. I thought I was doing well. I was doing well. At least for a while. I don't know what my problem is. I have everything I could ever need, and then more. I have a great family who supports me, I have great friends, I'm lucky to be going to school. I really don't know what's wrong with me. I was doing really well. Then I crashed. All of a sudden I started going out again. And not just going out, but partying. I know it's wrong. I mean, I've been there and done that. I know what it's like. I know what consequences it brings. I know that its only a temporary solution. It's like putting a band-aid on a gunshot wound. I think, though, that the worst of it is that even though I know I shouldn't be doing it, I don't feel guilty. Shouldn't I feel guilty? Shouldn't I have some sort of feeling? It didn't make me feel better about myself, but I don't feel bad about myself. I'm just very apathetic. I hate this. I hate not feeling anything. I wish I could feel bad about it, then maybe I could stop. It's hard because I want to stop, but at the same time, I don't. AAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH. That's pretty much how I feel. I want to scream, I want to cry, I want to feel bad. Then when I get all of that out, I want to feel better. But I can't. I quit my job (basically) because it was causing too much stress in my life. I was sleeping all the time and missing class. I was stressed out because I'm behind in my classes. It was hindering my walk with God. I wasn't trusting Him to take care of me financially. I don't know. I felt better when I made the decision to not stay with it. It sounds bad, and I don't care. But now, I don't know. I kinda wish I hadn't. I know that I can always go back pretty much whenever I want. But when it comes right down to it, I don't want to. I don't know what I want anymore. I wish I could just go to sleep and not wake up for days, and not have to worry about anything. I wanted so badly to go home this weekend. I was sooo looking forward to it, and it didn't happen. I don't know. I went out again last night. I only had a few drinks, nothing major. And I had a good time. The problem this time isn't that I went out. It has more to do with who I went out with. I know I need to get away from her. She is not a good influence, and she is definitely not helping me in my faith. I wish I was stronger, I wish I knew what to do. I wish I could fall on my knees and cry out to God, and feel better about all this. But I can't, and I don't know why. I can't pray. It doesn't feel right. I don't feel close to God. I feel like I'm just that person who always asks for forgiveness, but never changes her actions to prove that she's sorry. I can't do this by myself, and for some reason I'm too scared to completely trust God with it. Ho do I make this better?

do You think I'll be different when You're through?

I am so looking forward to a night alone.

I'm super excited about it. Right now I'm watching Ugly Betty, then after this is Grey's Anatomy. After that I plan on going to sleep early, or maybe reading a book. I'm not answering the phone, and I'm not going anywhere. After class today I went to Walmart and picked up some snacks and stuff for dinner. I kinda started cleaning today, but I wasn't in the mood to do it. So I'll do it tomorrow. It really needs to get done, and I know that the mess in here is contributing to my stress.

Anyway, tomorrow should be pretty relaxing. I'm excited about that.

I feel kinda bad, because I think Jess is worried because I'm not going to the BCM tonight. I feel like she thinks that I'm going to go out and drink or something. I mean, I can see why she'd worry. Truth be told, the desire has lessened tremendously. Don't get me wrong, it's still there, somewhere, but it's not strong enough to make me go out and do it.

Thankful for:

• not having to work anymore unless I really want to
• a weekend with the room to myself after a stressful week
• Jessica, for caring about me
• my family! for getting to see them this weekend!
  

You've stolen my heart, yes You have

This is the song that I'm currently obsessed. It's called Yes You Have by Leeland. Go here to listen to it.

It really describes the state of my heart right now. Things are just getting so much better. I have this peace that I can't describe. Nor can I explain it. I only know that it is through the grace of God that I have this inexplicable joy in the midst of all this stress.

A beautiful collision is happening NOW

So I'm sitting in class and we're discussing election results. Surprise, surprise, I know, considering I'm in a political behavior/public opinion/voting behavior class. I have a busy day today. I got a great night's sleep last night. I got home from class around 6. Around 630-7ish I headed over to play some free pool with a guy that I know. I was home by 830-9ish. I went out real quick with Jess, and we went for a walk. Then I was home by like 10ish. I didn't go out the rest of the night. It felt so good! Today I have two classes. After my second class (which I'll probably leave early) I'm heading over to the BCM to babysit. I'm excited about that. Tonight I have to work at 9, and it's the last night that I have to work. I'm pretty stoked about that.


AHH! So just let me say how happy I am that we kept a Republican in the governor's house!

Anyway. I'm feeling so much better since I told my boss that I'm not working anymore. I even think that I'm making improvements with my classes. I've been making an effort! I even took notes yesterday! I'm pretty proud of myself.

I don't know if I'll be able to go home this weekend. I'm a little upset about that. I was really looking forward to just unwinding this weekend. My dad told me last night that he didn't know if I was coming home this weekend (because they might be coming here), and I almost started to cry on the phone. Ugh. So obviously I'm still stressed.

I guess it won't be the worst thing in the world if I don't go home this weekend. I'm going home for Thanksgiving, and that's only 2 weeks away. I was just looking forward to going home and getting free stuff. Especially now that I won't have a steady paycheck. Oh well. If my parents come here, I'll just have them take me grocery shopping.

Bleck. I guess class is starting. We wasted half an hour discussing the election. That's pretty sweet. It means there's only like 40 min left in class.

Oh, I still haven't gotten my voice back completely. I don't know what's going on. It's been gone for like a week and a half.

I guess I'm gonna take down these notes and try to pay attention. I know that what's really going to happen is I'm going to play on the computer, but at least I can pretend. :)

bleck. I couldn't come up with a title. I give up.

AGH!

I'm so frustrated with my job right now. Actually, I'm frustrated with my co-workers. If you do something that's against the rules at your job (especially if you've only been at said job for two weeks) then it's a good job to do 2 things.
1. Tell your boss so as to cover your own behind (and that of your partner)
2. If you and your partner agree to keep it a secret DON'T BRAG ABOUT IT.
How can you expect to brag to someone about doing something wrong (and illegal) and expect that the person you bragged to will keep your "secret"?

GAH!

Basically someone at work bragged to me about the fact that they hit someone's car with the golf cart, and they weren't going to tell the boss. Well part of my job description is to make sure that people are doing their jobs correctly and aren't doing dumb stuff. Therefore, I was pretty much obligated to tell my boss. I even struggled with it. I thought about not telling my boss, but I wasn't going to put myself or my partner in the position where if it came out we knew then we would get in trouble. So I told my boss. The person in question almost got fired, and his partner lied for him, and so she got in trouble. This basically caused a lot of drama at work tonight. I hate drama. With a passion that burns deep within my soul. I have no doubt that this cast me in a bad light and people probably think of me as a narc. Which pretty much means that there's probably not a lot of people at work that I'll get along with. I don't understand. We're supposed to be in college. Why do people have to be so immature? Why is there a need for so much drama? Oh well. My friend told me that I did what I thought was right, and if they want to cause drama then that is their problem. It just bugs me.

I want to finish last, last in the world's eyes

Ahh spontaneity... how I love thee.

2:30 p.m: Decided I wanted a tattoo

3:00: Left for the tattoo place

3:30: Signed a form, handed over the plastic, got an appointment

4:15: walked out of the tattoo parlor with my fourth tattoo.

I love it! It's an ichthus (explanation here)

What a good day. I went to my classes, took notes, kinda paid attention. what matters is that I was there! I have to work at 9 (ugh) and it's 6 now. I think I'll do my quiet time and then take a nap. Of course, first, I'll wash my new tattoo!!! Man, I'm so excited. My roommate went home for the weekend today. I don't know why she left for the weekend on a wednesday, but whatever. I'll be able to do some cleaning, and laundry! I'm debating about going to the homecoming game on Saturday. I'm really having some issues with someone right now, and hanging out with her will be a little uncomfortable for me. I haven't had a chance to talk to her about it, because I haven't exactly figured out some stuff. I'll probably end up going to the game, it should be fun. Two of my friends are having a birthday party on saturday night, so I might end up going to that. I haven't decided yet.

On a positive note, my quiet time has dramatically improved! I'm so excited about it! I'm gonna go do that now and then take a nap.

you never let go through the calm and through the storm

agh! growing pains!


Sometimes when you see things for what they are, it sucks. I think that's where I'm at. I'm not gonna get into it, because God knows what I'm going through. For a while I've been sitting back and just observing what's been going on around me, and I've started to see the way things really are. There's some stuff in my life that I'm not happy with, and there are parts of my life that I'm not happy with. God's really convicting me that some things need to change, and the first thing I have to change is myself. It's just hard because I feel like I'm all alone in this. I feel like I can't really talk to anyone about it. I feel like no one understands what's going on. It's just annoying, but I know that this is teaching me to rely on God.

there's a place in my heart that I hold You near theres a place in my heart I hold most dear there's a place in my heart that wants You so

Yuck. my sinuses are all messed up. My ears are plugged, my throat is scratchy and my nose is dry, yet stuffy. It's not fun. I don't necessarily feel sick, but I don't feel fine either. The worst part is that there really isn't anything I can do about it. Just drink lots of hot tea and take sudafed. I really wish I had hot apple cider right now. It sounds soooo good.

I hope I'm better by this weekend. That would be bad if I wasn't. My family is planning on going to Universal Studios. I miss them, and would love to be able to spend the time with them. I'm trying to find someone to take my shift on Friday night, and I'm gonna see if maybe I can pick up a shift tomorrow night to make up for it. We'll see what happens.

These past few days have been absolutely amazing for me. I've been reading When God Writes Your Love Story, and I'm gaining a whole new perspective on this relationship thing that I've been struggling with. I decided that God's way is better than my way, and I gave it over to Him. I'm not going to date anyone until he reveals to me the man that I'm supposed to marry. I'm going to keep myself pure until I get married. For me, the hardest part of this is the "thing" I have with Chris. I don't know how to describe it. It's like a flirty friendship, with the potential to go further (at least on his part) once we get to know each other better. Now that I've made some changes, though, I realize that by continuing to act the same towards Chris, I'm not keeping myself pure. I've already given a little piece of myself to so many people, and now I've given a small part of myself to Chris. These are parts of me that God intended for my husband. I've been selfish and haven't considered him. I know how I would feel if I saw the person that I'm supposed to marry giving little parts of himself that are supposed to be mine to other girls. That is a bizarre feeling. All of a sudden, someone else is more important than I am, and I haven't even met them yet!

My quiet time has improved dramatically, though its still a little too short for my tastes. I'm not sure how to make it last longer. However, I feel closer to God than I've felt probably since I came back to Him. I have the strongest desire to draw closer to Him, and its no longer a burden to spend time in the word. I absolutely love it.

I didn't go to any of my classes today. My head did not feel up to sitting upright in a lecture class for 3 hours. So I emailed my professors letting them know what was going on. Luckily my professors are pretty cool and understand. So I don't have to worry about that. The only thing is that I'll have to attend a class tomorrow, because the professor doesn't accept just any excuse. You have to have documented proof (such as a prescription,, or a receipt from student health services) to prove that you are sick (or whatever your excuse was.) It's kinda lame, but it's his class and I have to respect his reasons.

Anyway, I'm debating about work tonight. I go in at 9, and it's supposed to be cold again. If I do go in, I may not have a partner, or I may have to train someone. We'll see what I have to do. I may go in and find out that I have no partner, and I might be able to leave early. Or I could hang out til 230 and get paid to do nothing. I might call my boss today to see what's up. Okay. So I called my boss, and I'm training someone. It's kinda yucky, cuz it means I have to drive and can't bring a blanket, but at least I'll have a partner and will still get paid instead of being sent home. I guess I'll just bring lots of hot tea and medicine.

Thankful for

• My mom, for always knowing what to do when I don't
• The time to spend with my family this weekend
• Professors who understand
• Time to sleep when I don't feel the greatest
• Accountability time with my best friend!
  

light will guide you home

Today I had the best quiet time I think I've had thus far.

The weather is gorgeous today, cool and breezy. So I decided to do my quiet time outside under the trees. I've also incorporated When God Writes Your Love Story into my quiet time. I just drew so close to God today and it felt so good.

Things are looking up

For His anger is but for a moment, His favor is for life. Weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning. Psalm 30:5

So I'm trying this new thing. Actually, I'm trying a couple new things. First and foremost I finally let go of the last little bit that I was holding on to. I'll say no more than that. Second thing is I'm trying to not gossip. I know it doesn't seem that hard, but sometimes it gets to the point where I don't even realize I'm doing it. I know this is something God is trying to teach me, and boy oh boy is He ever trying to teach me. I'm gonna do this. The biggest thing that I'm trying is trusting God with everything. I mean everything. The biggest thing I'm trusting Him with is my love life. I've started reading When God Writes Your Love Story. And I realized that I have horrible judgement when left to choose for myself. So I've decided that I'm not going to date anyone. Or pursue any relationships. When the time is right, it will happen and I won't be able to do anything to stop it.

I spent a couple hours with Jessica today. She picked me up when she got out of church, and we walked again, this time at her apartment complex. I'm so glad this is something that we're doing together. I really can't motivate myself to do it alone. After, we just sat and talked for a while. I think we both really figured some stuff out. I just got out of the shower, and finished blowdrying my hair. Now I need to figure out what I'm wearing to Late Nite. Caroline and I are gonna hang out before. I really feel bad for not letting her in on the goings-on of the past couple of weeks. Anyway, it's 4:30 so I'm gonna start getting ready. I should probably eat, too.

I wanna live like today could be my last day to give all I have before it's too late

last night was something that I've needed for so long.

I went to Jessica's apartment. It was very low-key, there were just a few people there. We had really good 7-layer dip. Sooo delicious. I even ate the corn! After we ate, we watched a couple episodes from the first season of Grey's Anatomy. What a good show! After that we went in the hot tub, and just relaxed. Then we went back inside and watched some more Grey's Anatomy. After that, the other three left and it was just Jessica and I. We sat up until almost 4 in the morning and just talked. I can't remember the last time I did that. I ended up staying the night (for obvious reasons) and it was just a fun time, and definitely something that I needed after these past two weeks of struggling with friendships. Granted, I did a lot more listening than talking, but I'm okay with that. God is really working in my life, and I can feel my faith growing. It's amazing. They say hindsight is 20/20. I think that's true. Looking back over the past few weeks, I realize that what I went through was God working on me, and I needed for it to happen.

So it's 2:30 now. I think I might go do a little grocery shopping. I'm gonna jump in the shower though first.

Thankful for:

• spontaneous sleepovers
• girl talk
• hot tubs with friends
• Grey's Anatomy
  

if you don't have faith you have nothing at all if you don't have deeds your faith will fall

It's funny how a split second can change your entire outlook. God really knows how to get my attention. I don't even know where to begin. I was supposed to go to work tonight. Challenge was at 8. I decided to take a shower around 7:30. At 7:55 I decided to go to Challenge instead. So I walked to BCM. I gave up the closing base shift to go. It was the best decision I think I've ever made. I was really convicted tonight, in so many ways. The pastor from Late Nite spoke, and the message was on being a servant. I think the thing that hit home most was that in order to be selfless, you have to get over yourself. I realized that these past couple of weeks I've been very selfish. I've been focused on myself, I've been pitying myself. I've been upset because people aren't fulfilling my needs. It was through a conversation with someone (which I'll explain in a bit) that I realized that I can't rely on others to fulfill my needs. If I give of myself the way that God has called me to, He will fulfill all my needs. I'm relying too much on myself and others, and not enough on God.

Which brings me to Jessica. I won't get into details of the past, but suffice to say we aren't exactly friends. Up until tonight we acknowledged each other's presence, and that was about it. For very immature reasons, I didn't like her, and she didn't like me. Tonight we had a long talk, we actually talked until everyone cleared out. It was really good for us, I think. I think we might become good friends. I realized that I am not alone in what's been going on for the past two weeks.

All in all it was a very good night. Afterwards I went with Caroline to the top of the parking garage and we watched all our crazy friends skateboard. Good times.

I'm gonna steal something from my friend Ellie and start writing what I'm thankful for.

I'm thankful for:

• an outlet for my pent up thoughts and emotions, so I don't take them out in a more destructive way.
• My God for never giving up on me
• new friends
• old friends
• music, for calming me when I'm upset (not this time though!)
• my family, for being so supportive when I need it the most
• Pastor Buff, for always cutting straight to the heart when I need to hear it
• Ellie, for being so supportive and praying for me even though she's far away and has her own family to worry about
  

can I lose my need to impress? if you want the truth, I need to confess.... I'm not alright, I'm broken inside

So I've discovered what's been bothering me. Well, actually, I've known for a while, but I think I just pinpointed exactly what's wrong. I feel as if I don't fit in my group of friends. It's hard to explain. I feel like I'm just kind of there, like I'm an observer and not so much a participant. I've spent more time with my coworkers than I have with my friends. When I asked for help, the only person to respond was a co-worker. It's as if none of my "friends" are even paying attention. I don't know, maybe I'm just letting things get to me. Maybe I'm just being dramatic, but I don't think so. This is really bothering me.

weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning.

It has occurred to me that I'm really bad at this whole accountability thing. I mean, I can't even keep myself accountable. How am I supposed to help someone else? I'm really bad when it comes to sticking through stuff, I guess is how you could put it. I start something, but I have trouble staying with it. For example, last week I started going back to the gym. At least, I had made the decision. I had even gone on Monday, but I didn't go back. My reason? Exams. Except, that wasn't why. I could have gone on Friday, or on Saturday, or even Sunday, but I didn't. Did I go today? No. Was I too busy? No. Another example is my daily quiet time. I did it this morning, but before this morning, I can't remember the last time I did it. I know that's why I'm faltering in my faith. I can't even pray because I don't feel close to God. But I don't have anyone to blame except myself.

The biggest thing I think I've been struggling with lately is my friendships. I feel like a lot of my friends are "surface" friends. Sure, they know what I look like, and we've hung out, but they don't feel it necessary to "scratch the surface." They don't know what I'm like beyond that. They don't take the time to really get to know me. I haven't spoken with or seen any of my friends in the past two weeks, and no one's taken the time out to call me, or send me an email, or a myspace or facebook message, or anything like that just to say hi. I know that if it were certain other people, then within a few days it would have happened. Except not with me. And I don't know why. Is that the way they perceive me, as a surface friend? I feel like I try to get to know people, but do I really? I don't know. Supposedly college is where you find the people that will be your friends the rest of your life. Why do I feel like I'm missing out?

You are my strength when I am weak.

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

that is a sigh of relief. I'm so glad this week is over. It was just one of those weeks where everything piled up. The stress of studying for exams, lack of sleep, and personal issues were just weighing me down. I'm so thankful this week is over. I'm looking forward to babysitting tomorrow. I think I'll go to the gym, too. I also plan on going to the gym on saturday. I really want to do this for myself. I think at first I wanted to do this for the wrong reasons. I go through periods of horrible self-esteem when it comes to the way my body looks. And then I look around me and see all my beautiful friends, and I just wish that I weighed a lot less. So that was kind of my motivation to start going back. I realize that everyone struggles with self-esteem for one reason or another, and this is my thing. I think, though, that I don't care so much anymore about how other people see me. It's more about how I feel about myself. It's also taking a toll on my health. I'm tired a lot, and very inactive. I don't want to be like that anymore.

This week was kind of an eye-opener for me. Not just academically, but personally, too. This is the first time in a long time that I don't have a relationship defining my life. I don't have someone to fall back on when I get like I was this week. I don't have someone to keep going back to. In my last post, I mentioned about someone being in my thoughts, and for the first time since I can remember, it wasn't in the way that he usually is. It's hard to explain, but it was actually a pretty liberating feeling. I won't go into much detail, but suffice to say at a time when I normally would have broken down and called him, I was in a place where I didn't need to. I knew that I was strong enough to handle this on my own.

God has been amazing to me this week.

i think ill get out of here where I can run just as fast as I can to the middle of nowhere to the middle of my frustrated fears

halfway through the week from hell.

As should be expected, I feel better about my classes.

But there's one person who all of a sudden won't leave my thoughts.

This is not conducive to studying.

Of course, the music isn't making things better.

I feel an anxiety attack coming on.

Yea, I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil; for You are with me; Your rod and staff, they comfort me. Psalm 23:4

These past 3 days have been very insightful. I have learned a lot about myself, and I learned a lot about God. From Thursday on, I have spent pretty much all of my time by myself, with the exception of work (which is where I'm at now.) I've been struggling with apathy for quite some time now. I have four mid-terms coming up this week, and I'm not worried about them. Not because I'm prepared, quite contrary, actually. I'm very unprepared. I should be spending all my time frantically trying to catch up. I just can't bring myself to care. Don't misunderstand, I'm studying and I want to pass. I'm just not stressed out like I should be. I would love to say it's because I'm confident that I'll do fine, but that's not the reason. I just don't care. And that scares the crap outta me. I realized something today, though. My apathy is a sign of a more significant problem. The truth is, I'm not dedicating myself to my classes like I should be. It's not anyone's fault but my own. I'm letting laziness (read:sin) take over my life. I'm letting it control my actions. Again. This time, I caught on before it became a major problem. Except now I'm at a weird place. I feel as if I'm just going through the motions of my faith. I don't have a daily quiet time. With the exception of Late Nite, I don't go to church. The past few weeks, and this coming week, I haven't been to BCM. I'm letting the enemy come between me and my God. So when I pray, I feel disconnected. I realize now that it's not enough to just sit idly and let things happen. I won't grow in my faith that way. I have to do more than make an effort. I have to make things happen. I need to be a better accountability partner. I've been failing my partner. I've let earthly desires take the place of the things I should desire. I don't know how much longer I'm going to struggle, but I know that no matter what I struggle with God is not going to abandon me.

it's funny how a lack of sleep at 4 am will make you think

well I thought I was over you
but I guess maybe I'm not

cuz when I let you go
looks like lonely is all that I've got

guess I'll never know what could have been

I've been tagged!

I've been tagged by Ellie to do a meme on work.

1. What is the best thing about your workplace? It's very laid back, and the job is easy. Once you get the hang of it, things go smoothly. It fits my schedule, and I love that even though we have to be professional, there are times when we can just goof around.

2. What do you hate about your workplace? There are quite a few people who take advantage of how laid back some of the people are. There are also people that don't do their jobs, and can ruin the mood of the dispatcher for the rest of us.

3. What small irritance at your workplace really annoys you? There's this one dispatcher who doesn't really do her job well. Along with dispatching, she does her homework, and spends most of her shift on the phone, usually arguing with someone. It takes her forever to answer the radio when we call in, yet she's quick to get upset if we don't respond right away when she calls us. When we patrol lots, she doesn't record it in the log, so it looks like we're not doing our jobs.

4. Describe the actions/quirks of the weirdest person you work with (can be a co-worker, employer, or a vendor if you are self-employed) .
This one's kind of hard. There are a few people that are quirky. Though I guess a lot of them left, so I'll go with my boss. He is definitely a character! Even though he's a little strict sometimes, he's very laid back! When he's dispatching, he likes to use different accents and do funny voices. He also gives people random nicknames. He has these green slipper type loafers that look like something Hugh Hefner would wear, and when he comes into the office the first thing he does is take them off! he's always barefoot! He is by far the funniest guy at my job.

5. What is one thing that you would change at your workplace to make life a helluva lot better? I hate to say it, but I would get rid of all the people that don't do their jobs. Which, at this point is only 2 or 3. I would also hire a lot more people so we weren't so shortstaffed.

Man, I'm supposed to tag 5 people, but I don't know that many in blogland :( So I'm gonna tag Caroline.

I won't waste a minute without you

It feels so good to be home.

A weekend at home is exactly what I needed. I got someone to cover my shift at work tomorrow night. I brought the books for the classes that I'm behind in the reading for. Now I'm just going to spend some time with my family this weekend. It's going to be fantastic. I'm finally able to get away from everything. I could feel the anxiety and stress building up inside.

So I had a choice tonight. And I had kind of made up my mind. Then God changed my decision for me. Which I'm kind of glad for. In the end, I don't think I would have gone with the plans that I had somewhat made, I just know that wouldn't have been a good decision for my life. But it didn't have to come to that. See, I wasn't supposed to come home tonight. I was supposed to come home tomorrow morning. When I thought that I was going home tomorrow morning, I had been invited to go out with a group of people to a bar. I didn't say yes, but I didn't say no. I told them that I'd call them later and let them know. Well it never had to come to that, because I came home tonight. I'm glad it happened that way. I know that I would have regretted going out tonight to a bar. I know that I've struggled with this quite a few times. I know that every time I have the same reaction. I don't know why I continue to think that each time it will be different. I'm going to try to work on that.

For now, I'm going to finish Grey's Anatomy and start a new book.

you give love a bad name

I can't help but wonder what this means. If it means anything at all.

Last night when I got home from work I wasn't tired. So I decided to do some stuff online. At one point, I thought to myself how much I missed having Chris to talk to at 3 a.m. when I couldn't sleep. Today, at 3 o'clock, actually, he got online. I know it doesn't seem like a big deal, but it seems kinda odd to me. He's in georgia for basic training, and has to wait to get a pass so he can check his email and all that. Apparently, they lost 2 passes, so it's been about 6 weeks since I've heard from him. During the course of our conversation, he told me that he missed me, and mentioned a few times that he was sad that I hadn't written him. He also told me that I'm the only person outside of his family whom he's given his address to. I'm not quite sure why he would tell me that. I just don't know.

Then I started to wonder if this is how my life will always be. Will I always be attracted to men that are unavailable in one form or another? A few guys have been emotionally unavailable, some have had girlfriends or were interested in other girls, and now Chris is physically unavailable because he's in the army. Is that what I'm destined for? Is this how all my relationships are going to be? That scares me. I wonder if I'm going to be alone for the rest of my life.

you are beautiful my sweet sweet song

It's been quite some time, I suppose, since a real update.

Okay, so it's only been 2 days, but that's still a pretty long time for me.

I'm sitting at work again. Tonight I'm stuck here until 3. At least I brought my computer. And I watched Elizabethtown earlier. I might watch it again, just to pass the time.

Things have been going pretty well this week. My roommate is gone for the weekend, again. That's pretty exciting. I guess having to come to work tonight wasn't the worst thing in the world. At least I'm getting paid. Tomorrow is gonna be a homework day. I really need to start being responsible and catch up on all my reading. It will probably help me in class to know what the professor is talking about. Then, Caroline is coming over after work and at some poing we're heading over to our friends' apartment to hang out and eat good food. It should be a fun time.

Then Sunday night is Late Nite. I'm excited.

So last night was Challenge. It was a very weird night. At first I wasn't going to go. I was just gonna hang out at home, sleep, and maybe do some homework. Or watch Grey's Anatomy. Probably the latter. Caroline called me right after someone else did, so I was already awake and I made the split second decision to get dressed and go. This is where it gets weird. This girl that I had hung out with once a year ago had wanted me to go to a bar with her. I briefly considered it, and realized that I didn't have the desire to go. When I got to Challenge, I all of a sudden became very bitter, and antisocial. It just seemed to me that I was not in the mood to deal with people. The first couple songs, the bitterness just kinda took over and I didn't really participate. Then, I got sick of the bitter feeling in my heart and I just asked God to take it away. And wouldn't you know it, He did! It made the whole night so much better. I was able to enjoy hanging out with my friends. After Challenge we headed to Blockbuster to rent a movie, and ended up on a spontaneous Slurpee run. Come on, who doesns't enjoy slurpees? They're amazing. What had started out as a bad night, ended up being a great night!

Tonight is like super dead. It's been about forty five minutes since the last person called. Oh well. I think I'm gonna put Elizabethtown back on now. I haven't decided. Maybe I'll just keep listening to the radio while I surf the internet. Praise God for great Christian stations being available online!

I have a weakness, and it is potatoes

ever have one of those days where you wonder why you even got out of bed?

Yup. Today is one of those days. At least it started out that way.

I decided to wear my retainers last night while I slept. That caused lots of pain this morning when I woke up. It took me almost an hour to fall asleep last night, and I woke up after 6 hours of sleep. If you know me, you know that I enjoy my sleep. Waking up before at least 8 hours means I'm going to be tired all day. So I'm tired. When I woke up it was rainy and yucky, and cold in my room. I just didn't want to be out of bed. And I especially wasn't looking forward to 3 hours of class. Yeah, yeah. I know I have it easy. Whatever. It's just one of those days.

Anyway, so when I woke up I wasn't in the best mood. I took some ibuprofen for my teeth, and now they feel better. I had mashed potatoes for breakfast. The best mashed potatoes in the world. mmm potatoes.

I'm feeling a lot better now. I'm still tired, but I made it to class. I'll be in my next class too. After that, I'll be in bed. I think what's getting me through the day is knowing that I can nap after class.

Yuck. It seems like all my classes are having tests in the same week.

I WAS RIGHT!

I KNEW I WAS RIGHT!!!!!

I just wanted to start off by pointing this out. In order to tell the story, I'll start with yesterday.

Fed up with being by myself I called Caroline to see if she wanted to hang out. She did. So she came over, we hung out in my room for a while, watched part of Breakfast at Tiffany's, and played on our (matching!) computers. It was a good time. Around 6ish, we decided to go to Target (where I got this amazing Bon Jovi shirt) before Late Nite. Then we headed over to the church after spending about 45 minutes or so in Target.

Late Nite was absolutely amazing. It was exactly what I needed to hear. Though I realize that pretty much every message is "exactly what I needed to hear." Last night's message was about leaving all your baggage behind, and traveling light when you follow Christ. As part of the service, we were given an index card to write down our "baggage" that was holding us back from fully trusting in Christ. It was a very freeing feeling to write down my baggage, and then give it over to God. After that there was just an awesome feeling of worship. I now understand why it's important to fellowship.

After the worship service, we ate. Oh how amazing was that food (and free!) We had delicious chicken, with homemade mashed potatoes!!!! oh and lets not forget the green bean casserole. It was like my favorite food night! I love it. After that we were all going to hang out and watch a movie at the BCM. Of course, I took pretty much a whole to-go box full of mashed potatoes home, and Caroline had left her laptop in my room. So on the way to the BCM we swung by my room. The minute I walked in, I could smell it. Marijuana. Caroline couldn't smell it. So I went out and quietly told my RA that I could smell it. So she came in, pretending like she was just there to say hi, and told me she couldn't smell anything. AHHH! So I was like well maybe it's just me. Oh, by the way, my roommates friend just kinda invited herself over to stay the night. So she was there when this whole thing happened. She had been there since pretty much Caroline came over. Let's just say that this particular friend is not my favorite person in the whole world. Besides being absolutely whiny, she also had the nerve to make fun of me RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME! So anyway, figuring that it was just a figment of my imagination, we headed over to the BCM. One of the interns was watching a football game, and he refused to go anywhere else. Well most of us got pretty bored, so we left. When I came back, I could still smell it. I knew they had smoked in my room, I just couldn't prove it.

Fast forward to earlier today. I was sitting in class talking to my roommate via AIM, and I asked her flat out if they had smoked in my room. She told me they did!!! I knew I was right. So I told her that if she was going to smoke, that was her choice. She just couldn't do it in my room.

The point is, I was right!

Anyway. Now I'm in the library, just hanging out. I work tonight. That's not gonna be that much fun. Oh well, at least I don't have class until 2 tomorrow.

Psalms 30:5 His anger is but for a moment, His favor is for life; Weeping may endure for a night, But joy comes in the morning.

so before I start, I just want to point out that Jennifer Love Hewitt with a British accent is just bizarre. Some Lifetime movie. BAHAHAHA I've never seen a British Lifetime movie. This is hilarious.

Anyway.

Today was interesting. This whole weekend turned out to be low-key. That's just fine with me. After the past couple weeks, I definitely needed this. I was gonna do a little shopping today, but I decided against it. Instead I just lazed around.

It was a hard day, though. I really got the urge to go dancing. I wanted to pretty badly. I even went as far as to call people to find out what was going on. In the end, I just wasn't in the mood to go pretty much anywhere. So I went to sleep, instead. The problem is, the temptation was so strong. Had it not been for my laziness, I would have gone out. I probably would have had a few drinks, and tomorrow I would have regretted it. I'm absolutely ecstatic that I didn't go out, don't get me wrong. I wrestled with the temptation all day. It seems to me that if it isn't one thing, it's something else. To quote Elizabethtown: "If it wasn't this, it'd be something else." It seems that Satan is trying everything to push me back down. I'm just so exhausted of it. Can't I just have a break?

On the up side, despite the dilemma I had all day, I wasn't depressed. I feel completely different. Though I am struggling, I'm not feeling sad. I don't feel beaten. I don't feel hopeless. Even though I have the temptation, I know that I am strong enough to resist. I know that it won't bring me down.

That's an amazing feeling.

nor‧mal /ˈnɔrməl/conforming to the standard or the common type; usual; not abnormal; regular; natural.

Today was a good day.

It was normal. I felt great! I got to sleep in until about 1. That felt so good. I haven't slept better in a long time. I hung around my room for a while, then I went to walmart to get some necessities. After that, I did some laundry. It's a great feeling to have clean clothes! Then, I caught up on That 70s Show. While doing that, I pretty much finished my knitting. It was just a very relaxing day.

Unfortunately, I'm still not keeping up with my devotions. I really need to start doing them.

So I'm at work tonight, and I'm dispatching. There is no team from 1-230, so I get to leave an hour early. That's exciting. The last team of the night just came in, they go home in 15 minutes. That gives me an hour pretty much to myself. Woohoo for that. I'm excited that Morgan left for the weekend. It gives me a weekend to myself. We're watching some show called The Adventures of Brisco County Jr. I've never heard of it, it's kinda bizarre. It's like a western-scifi-comedy show. Very odd.

Anyway. I guess I'm gonna post this now.

Psalm 3:4 "I cried to the Lord with my voice, and He heard me from His holy hill."

Praise God for tonight.

I honestly can't remember the last time that I felt this way. It was as if everything that I've been going through just disappeared for a few hours.

Today was an especially hard day. It was very emotional. I didn't go to my classes. I pretty much watched tv all day, and worked on my knitting. I took a shower, and just relaxed. I was starting to feel better, and I thought maybe things were getting better. Around 6, I headed over to the BCM for the meeting with my leadership team. It turned out that only the chair was there (I, and the other girl were the vice-chairs.) So I talked to him, and he took it pretty well. While I was talking to him, I could feel my face getting hot and I knew that I was going to start to cry. I managed to hold it back. While waiting for Caroline to get there, I listened to my ipod and relaxed on the couch. At one point I got up and saw my roommate from last year. She asked me how things were going and it was at that point that I just broke down. I went to the bathroom and washed my face, and tried relaxing on the couch again. A few minutes later I decided that I was too emotional and needed to go home. I called Caroline to let her know that I probably wasn't going to go. She came over to my dorm, and while she was on her way I decided that I shouldn't be alone. So I went back to the BCM. It was pretty busy and I felt a lot overwhelmed. During the worship, I just couldn't handle it anymore. I knelt at the front of the stage and wept harder than I've been able to in forever. I can't explain the feeling. It literally felt like God had wrapped his arms around me. I think for the first time I was able to let go of a lot.

After BCM, a bunch of us (and by bunch, I mean like 25) headed over to TGI Fridays for dessert and a few people ate actual food. More importantly, I was in the company of amazing friends. I don't think many of them will ever realize how important it was for them to be there. I laughed harder than I've been able to in probably a few weeks. I can't remember the last time I had that much fun. Probably last semester. God knew exactly what I needed. I think things are going to start getting better now. I know that if I had stayed home tonight, I probably would have sunk deeper than I could have pulled myself out of.

I can see a light that is coming for the heart that holds on, but how long can my heart hold on?

Some people claim to have had "near death experiences."

I wonder if it's possible to have "near depression experiences."

Have you ever had that dream where you're floating above the world, looking at yourself and seeing everything that's going on around you? I feel like I'm watching myself spiral into a black hole. I don't know how to get out of it.

I went out last night, and I actually had a good time. At the beginning, it felt kind of forced. I had to force myself to laugh, and find something funny. Eventually I discovered that I wasn't forcing myself anymore. When I got home last night, I felt a lot better.

So then what happened today? Because right now I feel no better than I did yesterday. After my last class (I actually went), I stood around the market looking at everyone. They all seemed so happy, smiling and laughing. As I sit here now it occurs to me that I used to be like that. Hanging out with Caroline made me feel better. But for how long? When I hang out with everyone tomorrow, how long will the happiness last? Until I'm alone again? Is this a fleeting moment? Is it PMS? I seriously have no idea what's going on with me. I know it's not all attributed to my brother's leaving.


If my God is with me, whom then shall I fear?

It's washed away, all my sin and all my shame

Lue told me that writing out her testimony, or telling someone, always helped her when she was feeling down. I'm hoping partly that it will do the same for me. I'm mostly hoping, though, that it will reach someone else who perhaps is going through what I did.

I didn't grow up in a church. I had gone to church a couple times when I was young, but not regularly. My father left me when I was really young, and was not (nor still is) a part of my life. When I was 7, my mom married the man that I call my dad. I honestly believe that God sent him to us. We went to church off and on. When I was 12, I got baptized for the first time. I knew that Christ had died for my sins. I had not, however, gotten baptized for the right reasons. I did it because I figured it was "about time." I tried for a long time to build a relationship with God on my own. I was of the mindset that I didn't need anyone to help me. I didn't need a preacher to interpret the bible for me. I could do it on my own. I did it that way for a few years, up until my junior year of high school. It was about that time that I fell away. My friends were not Christians, I was not going to church. I didn't drink alcohol or do anything like that during high school. When I was 18, on the night of my senior prom, I lost my virginity to the guy who was supposed to be my best friend. We had been "dating" for less than a month. In reality, we weren't a real couple. Three days after prom, he dumped me. I was heartbroken. Before then, I had told myself that I wouldn't bave sex until marriage. When I had sex the first time, I had convinced myself that it was because I was going to spend the rest of my life with him. He, on the other hand, felt that we were better off "as friends." I was depressed for months. There was a period where I didn't even leave the house, except to go to work. I enrolled in a community college, and lived at home. I had slept with another guy, but it was only once and I convinced myself that it wouldn't happen again. In February of 2004, I began dating a guy that I worked with. Our relationship developed rather quickly, and after a month I had fallen in love with him. I slept with him, too. I gave everything I had to him. I lost myself in our relationship, he became my everything. I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with him. Our tumultuous relationship lasted about two years. After nine months of actually being in a relationship, I broke up with him. We remained "best friends" but we knew we could never be "just friends." After him, I spiralled out of control. I began sleeping with men, looking for the unconditional love. Unable to find it, I didn't stop. After that, I dated another guy. It was then that I started drinking heavily, and experimenting with drugs. I hid it from everyone, including the guy who was supposed to be my best friend. In April of 2005, that relationship ended, and so did the experimenting with drugs. However, I didn't stop sleeping with guys to find love. It didn't seem to be enough. I decided that I couldn't live in that town anymore. I applied to college in April. I got accepted in May. It wasn't my first choice school. It wasn't until August that I found out that I'd gotten into a dorm on campus. Looking back now, I see that God had been working miracles in my life, and I hadn't even realized it. The girl who was my roommate wasn't even supposed to be living on campus that year, for some reason that's where she ended up. I know that it wasn't coincidence. When I first talked to her, she told me that church was a big part of her life. She invited me to all the stuff she was going to. I was more interested in drinking and partying. The life of sin that I had been living for the past year continued. Finally one night, out of boredom, I decided to check out this "BCM" that she had been talking about. It was okay, but I didn't think it was my "thing." Throughout all this, I was still with the guy that I had worked with. One Sunday night I decided to go to Late Nite with my roommate. All the work God had been doing in my life came together that night. The pastor said in his message that you would never hear God speaking to you unless you truly wanted to. It was right then that I felt God. I broke down in tears. Everything that I had been searching for, that unconditional love, was there all along. Finally, in January of this year, the relationship in my life that I had the hardest time with, the relationship with Jonathan, came to an end. I remember the desperation with which I had begged God to help me. I remember all the tears, and I remember the relief and the peace I felt afterwards. On March 5, 2006 I was baptized again. This time, for all the right reasons. I finally committed my life to Christ. My life since then hasn't been perfect. I still have my fair share of problems. The difference this time, is that I know that I can trust God to get me through whatever happens.

I found some time to think about you on the long ride home

“You have four years to be irresponsible here. Relax. Work is for people with jobs. You'll never remember class time, but you'll remember time you wasted hanging out with your friends. So, stay out late. Go out on a Tuesday with your friends when you have a paper due Wednesday. Spend money you don't have. Drink 'til sunrise. The work never ends, but college does..."” Tom Petty

so it's wednesday. I should have been in class, but I didn't go.

To tell you the truth, I've been feeling very antisocial today. I was just not in the mood to deal with a lecture, let alone two. I know it's bad to start this so early in the semester, so I'm going to blame PMS. That's probably what it is anyway. It probably also explains why I slept in late. So now I'm eating raviolis (chef boyardee), drinking water, and waiting for my 2:30 appointment with Rahul. I'm going to tell him that I can't do leadership

*UPDATE*

So I was halfway through the upper section when I realized I had to leave for my meeting with Rahul. It went well. He was a lot better about it than I expected. He said he was glad I had the courage to talk to him about it. It actually took a lot from me. I hate having to admit that I can't do something. Especially when it's something that I signed up for. It's something that I have to work on. I also talked to him about my struggling. Which is another thing I hate admitting. I'm glad I did though, because he helped me out a lot. I think what helped me the most, though, is that there was no judgement. That's something that I struggle with constantly. I hate it when people think badly of me. I will do pretty much whatever it takes to make sure everyone likes me. It's something that I have to work on, also. This meeting was really good for me. I also got to talk to him about my brother, which I think also helped him realize where I was coming from about the leadership position. Then I talked to him about my roommate. Talking about it helped me put everything in perspective. It feels like satan is attacking me where it hurts the most, my family and the space I live in. Something that I didn't get to talk to Rahul about was the temptation to start going out to clubs again. I really really want to. Badly. I also have the strong desire to go out and drink, and just be a stereotypical college student. I think one of the reasons is because I've stopped doing my daily devotionals. So I'm gonna do that right now while my roommate is at a job interview.

Please pray for me.

breathe Your life into me

So I've made a decision about leadership.

I think I'm going to bow out.

I'm telling mostly everyone (except the one person that it counts for) that it's because of classes. The truth is that I just don't think I'm right for the position. I don't think it's the right thing for me to be doing. I think I need to be stronger in my faith. Well, I know I need to be stronger in my faith. It's hard to explain, but I just don't feel like I should be in a leadership position when I'm still having a lot of issues. I guess that's the best way I can explain it. I have to talk to Rahul about it.

Blah blah blah. That's pretty much how I feel. I don't really want to go home cuz I know it's just gonna put me in a bad mood. I have to deal with my roommate and I'm not in the mood for that. Ahh. It feels good to just hang out with friends. The BCM is so quiet right now. It's great.

I'm ready to get back to my classes, especially with my new computer :)

I guess that's it for now. I quit.