It's washed away, all my sin and all my shame

Lue told me that writing out her testimony, or telling someone, always helped her when she was feeling down. I'm hoping partly that it will do the same for me. I'm mostly hoping, though, that it will reach someone else who perhaps is going through what I did.

I didn't grow up in a church. I had gone to church a couple times when I was young, but not regularly. My father left me when I was really young, and was not (nor still is) a part of my life. When I was 7, my mom married the man that I call my dad. I honestly believe that God sent him to us. We went to church off and on. When I was 12, I got baptized for the first time. I knew that Christ had died for my sins. I had not, however, gotten baptized for the right reasons. I did it because I figured it was "about time." I tried for a long time to build a relationship with God on my own. I was of the mindset that I didn't need anyone to help me. I didn't need a preacher to interpret the bible for me. I could do it on my own. I did it that way for a few years, up until my junior year of high school. It was about that time that I fell away. My friends were not Christians, I was not going to church. I didn't drink alcohol or do anything like that during high school. When I was 18, on the night of my senior prom, I lost my virginity to the guy who was supposed to be my best friend. We had been "dating" for less than a month. In reality, we weren't a real couple. Three days after prom, he dumped me. I was heartbroken. Before then, I had told myself that I wouldn't bave sex until marriage. When I had sex the first time, I had convinced myself that it was because I was going to spend the rest of my life with him. He, on the other hand, felt that we were better off "as friends." I was depressed for months. There was a period where I didn't even leave the house, except to go to work. I enrolled in a community college, and lived at home. I had slept with another guy, but it was only once and I convinced myself that it wouldn't happen again. In February of 2004, I began dating a guy that I worked with. Our relationship developed rather quickly, and after a month I had fallen in love with him. I slept with him, too. I gave everything I had to him. I lost myself in our relationship, he became my everything. I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with him. Our tumultuous relationship lasted about two years. After nine months of actually being in a relationship, I broke up with him. We remained "best friends" but we knew we could never be "just friends." After him, I spiralled out of control. I began sleeping with men, looking for the unconditional love. Unable to find it, I didn't stop. After that, I dated another guy. It was then that I started drinking heavily, and experimenting with drugs. I hid it from everyone, including the guy who was supposed to be my best friend. In April of 2005, that relationship ended, and so did the experimenting with drugs. However, I didn't stop sleeping with guys to find love. It didn't seem to be enough. I decided that I couldn't live in that town anymore. I applied to college in April. I got accepted in May. It wasn't my first choice school. It wasn't until August that I found out that I'd gotten into a dorm on campus. Looking back now, I see that God had been working miracles in my life, and I hadn't even realized it. The girl who was my roommate wasn't even supposed to be living on campus that year, for some reason that's where she ended up. I know that it wasn't coincidence. When I first talked to her, she told me that church was a big part of her life. She invited me to all the stuff she was going to. I was more interested in drinking and partying. The life of sin that I had been living for the past year continued. Finally one night, out of boredom, I decided to check out this "BCM" that she had been talking about. It was okay, but I didn't think it was my "thing." Throughout all this, I was still with the guy that I had worked with. One Sunday night I decided to go to Late Nite with my roommate. All the work God had been doing in my life came together that night. The pastor said in his message that you would never hear God speaking to you unless you truly wanted to. It was right then that I felt God. I broke down in tears. Everything that I had been searching for, that unconditional love, was there all along. Finally, in January of this year, the relationship in my life that I had the hardest time with, the relationship with Jonathan, came to an end. I remember the desperation with which I had begged God to help me. I remember all the tears, and I remember the relief and the peace I felt afterwards. On March 5, 2006 I was baptized again. This time, for all the right reasons. I finally committed my life to Christ. My life since then hasn't been perfect. I still have my fair share of problems. The difference this time, is that I know that I can trust God to get me through whatever happens.