You search much deeper within through the way things appear You're looking into my heart

"comfort is dangerous."

My bible is full of post-its with notes from sermons or my thoughts when I was reading a particular passage. This particular note is stuck on the inside of the cover of my bible. There are a few books (with chapters and verses) jotted down, along with some bullet points. But this phrase is bold and I drew a border around it. Apparently that was the main idea of that particular sermon.

I suppose that this could be applied to my current situation. This isn't to say that anything is going wrong, per se. It's just that things aren't really going. Anywhere. When I pray it feels impersonal. I mean, it's getting better. I'm praying again, so that's an improvement, but it still seems impersonal. I don't know the last time that I did my quiet time, and last night was the first night in a long while that I've spent any time in the Word.

I suppose it's confession time. I have this problem. Rather, it's a jealousy. I'm jealous of those who have this awesome relationship with God. I know quite a few people who are madly in love with Christ and I want that. I want it badly. My problem is this: I don't know how to get it. What's worse is that I hate asking for help. I feel like I should know how to get there on my own. I want to be in that place where I don't have to worry about anything because I know it's taken care of. I want to be so busy and so focused on my relationship with Christ that I don't desire a relationship with another person. I want it to happen because it's supposed to, not because I'm trying to make it happen.

I don't know. I guess I'm just comfortable. I know that I have to make myself uncomfortable but let's face it. That sucks.

It's weird because for the first time in a couple of months, I'm genuinely happy. Things are going well for me, aside from this. I'm not depressed anymore, and I've "come to terms with" a lot of things in my life that I thought were holding me back.

there's a message that I'm sending out like a telegraph to your soul and if I can't bridge this distance stop this heartbreak overload

Do you ever wonder what your life would be like had you made different (or certain) choices?

For example, how would it be if I stayed with a certain person? What if I had gone to a different school? What if I never left this town?

Would I be a different person? Have a different outlook on life?

I'm glad for where I'm at, and who I am. But I wonder if I'd be here, this person, had I made different choices.

I'm sure a lot of people think about this, actually. I wonder if people think about how the choices they're making right now are going to affect their future. I've always said that if I had the ability to change things in my past that I wouldn't, because it would change who I am today. I lied. There are a few things that I'd change if I could go back. I wish I would have had some way of knowing how things would affect me in the future. Not even my life, but me personally, emotionally, psychologically. I've done so many things that damaged me and I wish I could change them. I know that in Christ I'm supposed to be a "new being." But I don't feel new. Sometimes it's hard to remember that the past doesn't matter. I don't know, just been doing a lot of thinking lately. That's probably not good.

from the beginning we're all looking for a happy ending

It's an amazing feeling, finding out that your life isn't ruined.

I shouldn't say ruined. I know that if it had happened, then I would have made the best of it and probably not regretted it. Or maybe I would have. Hard to tell. I'm just glad that I'm not going to find out.

God is amazing.

I'm home for the summer, and honestly I'm relieved. I needed time away from "life." I guess you could say. I mean, life still goes on obviously. But this is like a much needed reprieve from everything going on. I'm going to have a good chance to do a lot of growing this summer. Get a good perspective on life, all that jazz. I do know that I need to go back to school in the fall and work my butt off. The grades that I'm making now are not good enough. Especially because I want to go to law school. I need to make more of an effort in my classes.

Meanwhile, I've discovered that I absolutely love the band Sugarland. I've recently gotten both of their albums and I absolutely love them. So I've been listening to them a lot lately. Just thought I'd add that part, don't really know why.

So I'm making a lot of progress. I'm happy with where I am, and for the first time in a while, I'm happy with where I'm going. I've figured out the source of everything that's been dragging me down. And while I've figured out where I need to be, I haven't figured out how to get there. I suppose knowing is half the battle.