shine Your light and let the whole world see we're singing for the glory of the risen King

Today was actually very productive. I'm quite pleased with myself.

I went to class. (hooray!) Except last night at work I forgot to bring my binder and did the wrong case. So I did the right one today after class and dropped it off at my professor's office. Before I did that, I ended up at the free market on campus, hanging out with some cool people. Then I had some Burger King, and got to see Rachel, so that was cool. Caroline and I hung out with her for like an hour or something. Then I saw Val, and that was cool cuz I haven't seen her in forever. After that, I sat at the BCM tent thing for another half hour or so. Then I dropped off my assignment, then I went over to the BCM where I got more stuff done! I didn't get a chance to talk to Rahul, but I did ask Kylie to include in the mass email that goes out the prayer thing that I'm starting with my email address so people can be added to my list. Now I just have to figure out how to organize that on gmail. Yay! new organizing stuff. I love it. Then I went and checked my mail (my Beth Moore devotional still hasn't come!) and now I'm in my room before work.

Oh! The best part is that last night I found someone to take my Friday opening shift permanently so now I can do a Bible study on Friday nights! Hooray!

Even more importantly, not only have I been doing my quiet time every day, but it's been amazing! Today I found this verse that I just fell in love with. It's 1 Corinthians 1:9. (I mainly just love the first three words) It says God is faithful. Man oh man how that has proven to be so true in my life! Then it occurred to me (also during my quiet time) that God is faithful even when I'm not, and that just blew my mind. Definitely made me stop and think a while. Good stuff!

Man, my life is going so great right now! Oh man. So I had a meeting with Rahul yesterday, and we just talked about everything. I told him the problems I had been having with Challenge, and I ended up becoming part of the welcome committee, and now apparently I'm the organizer of it (which means I'm in charge of all the interns mwahaha). So I'm really excited about that, because I want people to feel welcome, not like they're lost in the shuffle. Plus I'm heading up this prayer chain thing, and I'm super excited about that.

Okay I think that's it. OH! I forgot to mention two very exciting things. The first is that I got a Coach purse (which is pretty much just like brand new, except used) for 17 dollars at a thrift store last Saturday. I'm so flipping excited!!! SEVENTEEN DOLLARS for a purse that's like normally around 200 dollars or so. Maybe even 300. I've wanted this purse for like 2 years now. Patience really does pay off!! The other exciting thing is that on Friday Caroline and I are going thrift shopping again! This time we're going to places that we missed on Saturday (because we were on a time crunch) and now that I don't have to be back for work, we can take our time! So excited!

Okay, that's really all I have to say! I'm gonna take a nap before work.

Yes You Have by Leeland

so I'm gonna do something that I haven't done in a while. In my last post is a link to Leeland's myspace page. I highly recommend you check them out. I just got their album and they are amazing. These are the lyrics to my favorite song by them. I think it's such a beautiful worship song.

Every tree and every storm
Every rushing wind that moans
They sing Your praise
My God they sing Your praise

Every star and open sky
tell of Your glory divine
They shout Your praise
They shout Your praise, yeah

You've stolen my heart, yes You have
You've stolen my heart, yes You have
You've wiped away the stains
And broke away the chains
Yes You have

With Your love you set me free
oh, three nails gave me liberty
So I'll sing Your praise
My God I'll sing Your praise

and Oh, with Your love
You forgave my sin
forgot my past
and brought me back again

So I'll sing Your praise
I'll sing Your praise, yeah

You've stolen my heart
yes You have
you've stolen my heart
yes You have

You've wiped away the stains
and broke away the chains, now
yes You have

If I ascend into the sky
Or hide behind the night
I cannot run Your love is chasing me

If I fall into the sea
Your hand will rescue me
No one will take Your place
because this is all for You
yes, this is all for You
You're the King of the world
You're the King of the world

You've stolen my heart
yes You have
You've stolen my heart
yes You have
You've wiped away the stains
and broke away the chains
yes You have
You've stolen my heart
yes You have
you've stolen my heart
yes You have
You've wiped away the stains
and broke away the chains
yes You have

I don't see my brokenness anymore, when I'm seated at the table of the Lord. I'm carried to the table, swept away by His love.

(the song in the title is Carried to the Table by Leeland. They're my new favorite band!)

Today has gone by so quickly. Granted, I slept through most of it. I didn't even mean to! I woke up at 730, so I could leave and do my quiet time before I went to class. Except, it was like 40 degrees outside, so class was out. I waited til my roommate left, and had an amazing quiet time! I'm so excited! My Beth Moore "Praying God's Word Devotional" was shipped out today, so I should get it soon! Hooray! The verse that stuck with me today was this:

Psalm 46:10 "Be still and know that I am God."

It just gave me shivers, and I just thought about it for the longest time. Coolest feeling ever!

So I was awake til around 11 or so, when I just all of a sudden got so tired that I could barely keep my eyes open. The next thing I know, it's 4 o'clock. Weirdest thing ever.

Now I'm just wasting time until I have to go to work. I'm gonna wear like 2 pairs of pants (haha just kidding). I am gonna bring a blanket, though. It's too flippin cold to not have one. At least I have the early shift, and get off at 11:30. yay!

So last night at Late Nite was awesome. I haven't gotten that feeling since I first came back to God. I can't explain what happened, but I know why it did. I'm so thankful for a God who hears and listens to my prayers. One of the things that I've been struggling with is to be a "normal" college student, and go to parties and all that nonsense. It finally came to a breaking point Saturday night. God just cleaned out my heart and that feeling is completely gone. I can't even describe how it feels. My heart actually feels lighter.

Hooray for more prayers answered! I finally have my accountability partner back! Who knew that something that seemed so "wrong" was actually what God had in store all along!

Oh man! I'm so flippin excited for the Fusion Conference!!!! I can't wait to see David Crowder Band! It's gonna be amazing.

Ooh. Maybe I'll take my knitting to work tonight and work on a scarf. Hmm. Sounds like a plan to me.

Oh and things are better with my roommate. YAY! Life is good (eternal life is better! hahaha)

I've been tagged.... it took me forever... but I did it!

THE RULES: Each player of this game starts with the 6 weird things about you. People who get tagged need to write a blog of their own 6 weird things as well as state this rule clearly. In the end, you need to choose 6 people to be tagged and list their names. Don't forget to leave a comment that says you are tagged in their comments and tell them to read your blog.

1. I eat raw potatoes. Apparently this is abnormal. Ever since I can remember, every time my mom (or grandma) was making potatoes, they used to slice off a piece of potato to get us out of the kitchen. They're so good!

2. I knit and crochet. Recently I've discovered that this is something typically associated with Grandmas. Oh well. I do it, and I love it. very relaxing/stress relieving.

3. I love Southern Gospel. HAHAHA. I make fun of my mom so much for listening to it, but I secretly love it! (don't tell my mom!) In the same thread, I also love the really old church hymns (how great thou art, come thou fount, amazing grace, etc...)

4. I am very indecisive when it comes to every day things (such as where I want to eat for lunch/dinner/whatever, or what we should do when we're bored) but I know exactly what I want to do with my life, my life's goal, and just how I'm going to do it.

5. I'll eat pretty much anything at least once, but I'm really picky about what I eat. I know it makes no sense, but it's true. I'm up for pretty much everything (I've even tried sushi like 3 times even though I hate the seaweed) but I'll sit and pick lettuce out of my salad that looks gross and I don't eat corn.

6. I talk to myself. A lot. Not just random things, either. I've been known to have entire conversations with myself.

Bah. This part about tagging 6 people, I don't know that there are 6 people that I know who read my blog. So if you read it, you're tagged. Let me know when you do it. Thanks!

if you never try you'll never know just what you're worth

I always find it funny how the lyrics that I use as post titles (which are usually just lyrics from the song that I'm listening to at the moment) always end up pretty much reflecting life at that point in time.

I don't believe in coincidences. I don't believe things happen by chance.

I do believe that God speaks to me through music. I can only hope that God is speaking to you through the words that I write.

So many options for tonight. I could go to work and get paid to do nothing. I could go to Challenge and hang out with some people. I could go to Campus Crusade and see what that's all about. Or, I could sit at home and watch Grey's Anatomy. The problem is that I spent quite a bit of money last week that I was supposed to be saving. So now I need to pick up extra shifts and literally spend as little as possible to get back that money, plus some. So I should go to work, but I don't know if I want to go to work. What to do, what to do.

Or, I could forego any type of social activity Saturday night and take the extra shift then. Or I could do both shifts. AGH! I came to the conclusion today that being an adult sucks. At least sometimes.

Okay. I made a decision. I'm going to work tonight, and then see how I feel about Saturday later on.

I think that's a responsible decision.

ugh. blogger is ridiculous.

I had a direction that I wanted this post to go in, but now I've completely forgotten what it was. I guess it must not have been that important to me.

Life is quickly becoming quite interesting from me (aside from all the family stuff going on.)

On what feels like a whim, I decided to join the leadership team for Late Nite. Now I'm beginning to wonder if that was the right decision. I've been praying about it, but it feels as if God is not answering me right now. Perhaps that is my answer? I know that God always answers, I'm just wondering if what feels like a "non-answer" is actually His way of telling me that I should not have joined leadership.

My classes are actually going pretty well. Unlike last semester, most of my classes actually have work due on a regular basis, so that is forcing me to keep up with the reading and materials. Which means that (hopefully) I won't fall behind in my reading. I'm enjoying my classes immensely, which is another thing in itself because last semester I pretty much hated most of my classes to the point that I never went.

Since I've been back, I've been pretty busy. Sunday, I did a little bit of shopping for some things that I needed. Then I went to Starbucks with Caroline, and we hung out. We've been hanging out a lot more lately, which is really exciting to me. Then there was Late Nite, and after that a bunch of people went and saw The Hitcher. It was pretty gory, and scared me half to death, but it was pretty good. Yesterday was pretty mellow compared to Sunday. I went to class in the morning, then I came home for a little while. Then I decided to head to the mall and buy the promise ring that I've been wanting for what seems like eternity. I was pretty happy about that. Then I worked last night until 11:30. Then I came home and went to sleep. Today I had the class in the mall, then I headed to the grocery store for a few things that I needed. Today was just pretty mellow, seeing as how it's the only day that I don't really have anything going on. I did some homework, and read a couple chapters for a couple of my classes. Now I'm just wasting the next twenty minutes or so, listening to some jazz music while I wait for Law and Order: SVU to come on.

I've been doing my quiet time every day! I'm really excited about that. I've noticed a difference in a lot of areas in my life since I've been doing it on a regular basis. I've been a lot less stressed, actually. I've also had a sharp decline in my desire for a relationship. I've actually rarely even thought about wanting a boyfriend. I've been so busy with other stuff that I haven't even had time to miss the intimacy of a relationship. That's pretty exciting for me considering what last semester was like. I'm beginning to realize that last semester was just bad all around for me. I've also noticed that my friendships have become a lot better since then. I think that I've been able to be more patient with things and people, and I've really learned to appreciate the friends that I do have. I'm trying to be a better friend to everyone, and at the same time keeping the ones that I really do want the most to work out. That sounded kinda lame, I think. Oh well.

Meanwhile, I've seen Pride and Prejudice and I'm extremely happy with the way they made it. It's so true to the book. I think it might become my favorite movie. I haven't decided yet, but it's definitely up there on the list. Now, I've decided to read the book. Again. For like the 13594386th time. It is most definitely my favorite book ever. I absolutely love the story, I think it's amazing. I recommend it to anyone who hasn't read it.

So yeah. That's how life is going for me. This week is going to be pretty busy class-wise. I've got an assignment due tomorrow, one due Thursday, and another due Friday. Then Friday night I'm working a 9 hour shift, and Saturday night I work at 6, and I haven't decided whether or not I'm going to work another 9 hour shift. I definitely am going to need the money, but I don't know if I'll be up for it. I'll have to see later on this week.

Hallelujah!!! My God reigns

Wow.

I don't even know where to begin.

God is moving mountains. In my life. In the lives of those around me. He is moving mountains that some would deem immobile.

Here's the back-story on the biggest mountain.

My aunt has three children, all with different fathers. Her youngest child is 11, and he has Fragile X Syndrome. Her life has been difficult. A few years ago she married a man that my grandmother (her mother) introduced her to. The first time that this man was in my parents home, he smacked my sister (who at the time was probably 13) on the butt and she violated. He has never been welcome in our home again. He has treated her three kids horribly. He tried to kick out her oldest daughter when she turned 18. We believe that he has been abusing my 11-year old cousin, but we can't be sure. During their marriage, he has cheated on her numerous times, even going as far as having a mistress in China whom he refers to as his "wife." Within the past month or so, she discovered that he has been subscribing to porn sites, and has gone on dating sites and created profiles. On these sites he describes in great detail his penis and claims he is divorced. He is looking for girls to have sex with, and girls who are willing to have threesomes. My aunt is very beautiful, and he is lucky to have her. He takes complete advantage of that. She has been trapped in his home, especially as she no longer has any family in Michigan since we have all moved. For about a year she has been talking about leaving him, but always with the excuse "next week" or "next month" or "when I get my debts paid off."

My dad received an email from her over the weekend telling him about the porn sites and the dating sites. She also discovered emails on her computer to the woman in China, and found out that he has been flying this woman over from China on a regular basis to see him. All his money goes to his mistress, and his wife sees none of it.

So Sunday morning, my dad called my aunt and convinced her to leave him. We were a bit skeptical, however, because she's been saying it for over a year now.

Last night at midnight she showed up at my parents' house. It is honestly the most amazing thing that has happened. I don't know how anything could top it.

All I can do right now is give God all the praise and glory. I honestly believe that she would not have done this on her own. The guy is insane, and had he come home while she was packing and found out that she was leaving, we don't know what would have happened. He probably would have gotten violent. I'm just so grateful and relieved that she is finally out of that situation.

I'm not trying to hide anything I wear it on my sleeve I'm not trying to be something I'm not this is all I've got

I'm not trying to reinvent the wheel. Just trying to be real.
I'm not trying to say "follow me" I'm not the one who leads.
Let me introduce myself to you. This is who I am. No more no less.
I am just a man who understands. Because of You I'm blessed. No more no less.

I'm not trying to prove anything. It's all about the change.
I hope you stay just long enough to see. The heart that's beating here inside of me.
Beyond all of the things you may think you know, I'm just a kid trying to make it home, that's it.
No more no less. Lord I wanna go home. Nothing more and nothing less. I just wanna go home. Nothing more and nothing less.

- Mercy Me "No More No Less"

Looking back, I realize that my last post was pretty dramatic. Well, not dramatic, because that's honestly how I was feeling when I typed that post out. Now that I've had time to calm down, I feel so differently. Let me elaborate:

My sister recently got in trouble for something that she should not have been doing. When I look at her situation, I see myself only a few years ago. I do not want her to go down the same path that I did. I do not want her to experience the heartache and pain. I also feel slightly responsible for what she did. She saw what I went through, and how I handled it. However, I never really took the time to talk to her about what it did for me, and the regret that I feel about it. I think that maybe if we had talked about it, she would have made better decisions. I do know that she has to make her own mistakes, and I can't blame myself for them. I also can't be mad at her for her actions. That's not my job, nor is it the right way to react. I know that I need to help her get through this, and hopefully avoid the same places that I've been.

Moving on.

I need help. Rather, I need advice. I've been doing my quiet time every day (yay me!) but I feel like somehow I'm doing it wrong, if that makes sense. Right now I feel like I'm basically reading a passage and praying. I don't feel as if there's any interaction with God. That just seems wrong to me. I am completely at a loss as to how to improve my quiet time. Right now it's probably 5-10 minutes. Don't get me wrong. It's making a difference that I'm doing it on a daily basis, and I can see it in my attitude and my actions. I just want to make it better!

Tonight is the first Challenge of the semester. I'm pretty excited, actually. I want to start going on a regular basis, again. I also want to look into the possibility of getting involved somehow (though not on leadership.) I don't know about that though. I need to keep praying about it.

Anyway. That's my current life-situation. I must say, it's not that bad. I'm actually in a pretty good place right now.

How are you?

Ugh.

It's a heartbreaking time in your life when you realize that someone you thought you knew very well is not at all even remotely the person you thought they were. It's even worse when you're supposed to be a role model to them.

You start to ask yourself where you went wrong, and how you could have done better. I mean. I don't even know how to address the situation. I can't even look at this person the same. I honestly don't know what to do, it just blows my mind. This is something that I would have never expected. I know that's vague, and I don't think I'm going to give full details on here. but honestly this just makes everything so different.

please just keep me and my family in your prayers.

I am me, but who am I?

I think making new year's resolutions is a ridiculous idea. If you're going to change something about yourself, do it when you realize that you need to change. Don't wait until the "new year" starts to make the change. It's even more ridiculous because most people don't even stick to their resolutions. I mean, seriously. There is nothing about the "new year" that's going to make you a different person, more likely to keep your resolutions this year than last year when you made them and didn't keep them.

With that said, the break at home has been so relaxing for me. I've had a lot off time to think about what's been going on this last semester, and why I've been so stressed out. I do think that there's a lot of stuff I want to change. About myself, about my life, about the things that I can control. I guess you could call this a "resolution" if you really wanted to, but I don't consider that. I think this is something that's been a long time coming.

Somewhere along the way, I stopped being myself. I don't know why, but it was almost as if I was a completely different person. I was not happy. I was pretending to be this person that I wasn't. And for what? It's not like I gained a bunch of friends. And the friendships that I did gain were based on what, being someone that I'm not? I want to be myself, I want to figure out who that is. And I want to find friends that I can be myself around. I don't want friends that I have to pretend around.

Through everything that's been going on, it's almost as if I've been devoid of most emotions. Even though I wasn't completely emotionless, it was a temporary feeling. Most importantly, I've lost my passion for pretty much anything. I don't know what my passion is anymore, and I want to find it. I want to get it back.

One thing that I haven't been doing much of is being completely honest with people. I hate that. One of the things I hate about other people is when they're dishonest. Knowing that about myself, I try to be honest with people. Obviously, that doesn't always happen. This goes beyond that, though. The biggest thing, though, is that part of my testimony isn't completely true. I can honestly say that I don't know why I felt the need to exaggerate something that wasn't nearly as bad as I made it seem. I told a lot of people that before I committed my life to Christ, I struggled with drugs and alcohol. That's not completely true. I didn't have an addiction, and it wasn't as big of a struggle as I told people. I hate the fact that I lied, and I hate that it's almost a continuing lie. Because of this people think it's wrong that as a legal adult I see nothing wrong with going out with some friends and having a drink or two. They say that I should know better. To be honest, there's only few people that I even care enough about to be honest with about this part of my life. The rest of the people aren't important to me, they aren't close to me, and they don't make an effort to include me in their lives. So as far as they are concerned, I don't need to go back and tell them any different. I will just be honest about everything from this point on. If I'm asked about it, I'll be honest. But I won't go out of my way.

The most important part of my life that I want to change is my quiet time. I know that I talk about this a lot. It probably sounds redundant, but I want to get back into it. I want to do it on a daily basis. I want to get more into the Word, and I want to grow closer to my God. I want to have that relationship that other people seem to have. I can't explain the way it is now. I wish I could. It's almost as if it's a relationship with like a grandparent, or an extended relative. It's something that I see sometimes, and it's something that I know is there. And there are even some times that I feel it with this intensity that is amazing. But on a daily basis, it's not really this thing that I feel. I want to change that.

So that's it. At least that's all that I can think of right now. I made the list in my prayer journal. I'm excited about the coming semester. I'm excited about going back to school, and getting back to the few friends that I want to spend my time with. I can't wait to find more people that I want to get to know better. Honestly, right now, there are only two people that I want to even devote my energy to. They're the only ones that I feel are genuinely my friends. They're the two people that I feel actually care about me, and aren't just friends with me to serve their own selfish purposes. I can't wait to see how this semester turns out.