I've done it all, I've seen it all but I can't find a feeling like that

1 a.m. and I find myself not ready for sleep. Tired, yes. Just not ready for sleep. Instead I find myself reflecting on events in my life over the past year or so. I realize that this is something I do quite often, and I can't help but wonder if most people think about this kind of stuff as often as I do. I suppose this time is different than most. This time, thinking about this doesn't make me sad, and I don't feel regretful. Instead, I'm pretty happy with the way things have been going. Sure I've had my moments, it wouldn't be worth it if I didn't would it? It's odd because there was a time in my (short) life where I used to say that I don't regret things that I've done because they've brought me where I am. Then there was a time after that where I felt as if I should regret things that I've done, and I tried, really I did. But when I was honest with myself, I don't know that I could say I regret those things. Do I wish I had done things differently? Sure, but doesn't everyone? I think part of the thrill of doing certain things is that you don't know where it's going to lead you or how it's going to affect you. That's also scary. There was another time where I wasn't willing to admit to myself that things that I had done were mistakes. I used to say that I never made mistakes, only wrong decisions. One could argue that they're the same thing, but that doesn't matter. Man, I was naive. Of course I make mistakes, everyone does. That's life. I still make mistakes. I suppose that, currently, I don't but that's because I'm not really making any major decisions at this point. Most of them are already made, and the rest I'm a few months off from having to make. But I am still reaping the consequences of mistakes I've made as recently as April. It's funny because that's one decision that I do regret. And I do realize that it's a mistake. However, I think what makes this time different than the rest is that instead of dwelling on this mistake, and letting it control my life, I see it for what it is, and I'm over it. This is very different from how I'm used to handling things. Could it be that I've grown? That I've actually matured? Unthinkable! It's a good feeling.

Ponderances..... or things I wonder....

• You know how MySpace has that "cool new people" section on the homepage? If you're picked to be one of the "cool new people" can you see yourself?
• Why is it that two foods that would never ever ever seem tasty together all of a sudden become appetizing when a woman is pregnant?
• Why does birthday cake taste better than non-birthday cake?
• Why is it that when you're puttering around online the hours fly by, yet when you're doing something you hate the hours drag?
  

When I grow up I want to be rich and British.

So I have a confession to make.

I am obsessed with Bravo's celebrity shows.

My favorite show is Kathy Griffin's My Life On The D-List. I think she's fabulous and funny. If I were to come back in another life, I'd want to be her.

Tonight I discovered Victoria Beckham is Coming To America.

*clutch the pearls*

Am I the only person who finds her to be fantastic?

I'm convinced that I should have been born British and rich. And as thin as my pinky nail. Because I would have definitely been Victoria Beckham. She's brilliant (I think) and not uppity like I expected her to be. Her humor seems to be very dry and sarcastic, which I love. But I have to say, she dressed up a blow-up doll like herself and they drove it around Los Angeles and paparazzi actually believed it was her. Come on. These things just write themselves.... I have nothing further to say on the topic except that I should have been rich and British. When I grow up that's what I want to be.


P.S. her husband isn't that hot.

A confession of sorts. An apology to those I respect.

God has really laid this on my heart as of late. But I've been stubborn and therefore this is much later than it should have been. I feel that this isn't as personal as I'd like to be, but I feel that I need to do this now, and I'm unable to do it in person.

I feel that I owe you an apology, and an explanation of why I'm apologizing. I have this really bad habit of closing myself off when I'm struggling and need help. A few months ago was no exception. I was struggling in my faith. As a result I let my friendships suffer. I basically disappeared. I may have told you that I was busy, perhaps I didn't answer your phone call, or your IM, or even worse if I saw you in person I may have pretended not to. The truth is that I was avoiding everyone at all cost. I needed help and refused to ask for it. I was angry at myself, but took it out on everyone else. This was completely unfair. I started to get upset that people couldn't see that I needed help, and that no one reached out to me. The fact of the matter is that you did reach out to me. But I didn't want to admit that I was wrong, so I pretended I didn't see it. Looking back, I'm very ashamed of my actions and of the way that I treated you. The end of the semester came, and I came to Late Nite a couple times. At this point, I couldn't have blamed you if you wanted nothing to do with me. But despite the way that I treated you, you still reached out to me. And this made me angry also. I have no rational explanation for this, except to say that I was becoming more and more angry with myself, yet still refusing to take responsibility for my actions. This summer has been a long walk with God about my actions and the way that I treated you. I underestimated you and I judged you unfairly. I know that sometimes an apology never feels like enough but it's all I have to give you. I am so very truly sorry for my actions. I have the greatest amount of respect for you. Each one of you have been an incredible influence on my life and my faith in one way or another. I only hope that you will give me a chance to show you that I've changed, and to get to know you better.

Just a few more weary days and then....

How do you know when God has placed something on your heart? Does it nag at you? Do you think about it constantly? How do you know that it's just not something that you're obsessing over? How do you know that it's not something that you're doing to yourself, out of some need to acknowledge fault for things that have happened?