if you feel alone and lost and need a friend remember every new beginning is some beginning's end

Have you ever been in a place in your life where you're just unhappy with the way things are? That's where I am. I'm just so frustrated. I suppose I should clarify. I'm 22 years old (or at least I will be in about a month.) The idea of going out every weekend and getting obliterated no longer appeals to me. I'd much rather be able to go out for dinner with friends, maybe have a margarita, and just enjoy good company and intelligent conversation. So I suppose it's not so much where I'm at in life as it is where the rest of the people around me are at. Most of my friends, while mature in their own way, still enjoy the "party" scene. Others of my friends don't drink at all, or we're not really friends. More like acquaintances. Which is another issue I'm having. But the point in my life that I'm at is that I want friends who have the same interests that I do, and enjoy the same things that I do. Not that I don't mind going out and doing random, goofy things now and again. But I'd also like to do things like visit museums, go out for coffee, things like that. I don't know. I guess it's just that the people that I'm meeting are still in the party frame of mind. The thing with not really feeling like I have many friends is bothering me. It's something that I've been struggling with for quite a while now, and it's all with the same people. Perhaps a sign that I should be branching out and meeting people on my own, instead of through people. But the thing is that these people go to my church, and I feel like I shouldn't be feeling like they're fake. Which is pretty much how I feel. I see them, and they're so nice that sometimes I'm just like COME ON! Tonight, for instance. I went to Late Nite for the first time in quite a few weeks. No one even acknowledged the fact that I hadn't been there. And it's not like I just go there, I'm supposed to be on the leadership team. The girl in charge acted like I'm there every day. It just really rubs me the wrong way. I want to use the word pretentious, because that's pretty much the only word I can think of to describe it. And it hurts, because then it's like well what's wrong with me that these people aren't good friends of mine? It's like I am unable to make/keep good friends. I have 4 good friends. And if I'm really honest with myself, only one of those people is close enough to me to even have the slightest notion of what I'm really dealing with. Growing pains suck. Especially because this thing that I've been struggling with has been affecting my faith. I can't remember the last time I prayed before tonight. I don't know the last time that I did my quiet time, when before I had been doing it on a daily basis. Late Nite was amazing for me, in the way that it just really reminded me that I'm not going through this alone. It was an amazing feeling. It was even better having Jess there, feeling the same way that I was about some things, just being a source of comfort for me. I feel like I've been depressed for the past few weeks, and now I'm starting to come out of it. Relationships, though, that's a different story. That's a depression I'm having the hardest time coming out of.

we both know how much I let you down. Janie don't you take your love to town

So tonight at work was definitely interesting. It started out pretty well. Jessica and I were having a good time, just driving around not really doing much of anything. We had a war going on with another team that involved tennis balls. Then as the night progressed things started to go downhill. First I got this random text message from a guy that I haven't spoken with/heard from in over a year. Then he kept harassing me. I ignored his calls and messages and finally he sent me a message saying goodnight and he'd talk to me later. NO HE WON'T! I ignored him the whole time, why does he think that we'll be talking later? I just don't understand. This kid honestly doesn't get hints. I don't know what I'm going to do about it. So I was dealing with that, and the team that we were goofing off with started to get upset (or at least they seemed it and we thought they were) so our moods quickly deteriorated. We finally left work at 2 a.m. I was ready to go home. So I changed into my pj's and did some stuff on the computer. Then one of the guys from the team at work called me and we chatted for a few minutes. I think we're getting to be pretty decent friends. We'll see how that turns out. He's a nice guy. He always makes sure I get home safely on the nights that we both work together until 2:30. So he called tonight since I had left earlier than he had. Tomorrow I'm really excited because after my class Jessica and I are heading over to the beach. It's supposed to be in the 80s! I can't wait. I really wanted to go today, but couldn't. So I just hung out, listened to some Bon Jovi, and relaxed. I should have charged my ipod, though, because the battery died with about 2 hours left in our shift. So that wasn't cool. I'm charging it now for the beach tomorrow. Class should be interesting. It's going to be about the death penalty. I think I ate something bad on Monday night because I spent the majority of Tuesday feeling like I was going to throw up, then I did, and then I pretty much passed out for the night. It was not a nice feeling. But this morning I woke up feeling pretty okay. I took it kind of easy all day. I went to lunch with Rachel (!!!) and hung out with her for a while. That was fun. Then after that I came home and did some work I needed to do for one of my classes. Then Jessica and I went before work and got some food and mini speakers from walmart to hook up to my ipod so we could listen to music. So that was my day. I felt fine the whole day, so all I can figure is that I ate something that made me sick. Oh well. I think I'm gonna get some sleep now.

don't know what I did to earn a love like this

So it's been one year exactly since I was baptized. I can't believe time has gone by so quickly.

Life is definitely interesting, I'll give it that. It's pretty great, though. So I can't complain.

Update - It's been a while

So it's been quite a while since I've updated. I'd like to say that I've been so busy, but with the exception of the past two days, that's not quite true. I've just had nothing to update about until now.

Caroline and I went to Cocoa Beach on Thursday night and we spent the majority of yesterday there. It was amazing! We got in around 4:30 a.m. we found the 24 hour Ron Jon shop and went in there for a little while. Then we just walked around a bit, looking at random stuff. Then we tried to sleep in the car, but we were both so tired/excited that we just ended up giddy. The sunrise was at 6:46 and it was beautiful! The sky was clear long enough for us to get some beautiful pictures, both digital and film. After the sunrise, it got pretty cloudy. We took some pictures of the water, and found some guys surfing and got some amazing pictures. However, our first roll of film (one apiece!) was ruined because I forgot that I had to push a button on the bottom of my camera to release the film. I was quite saddened. But we each got two more rolls filled, so I was okay with that. Plus the surfing pictures and some of the sunrise were on my digital camera so that was cool too. Then we drove around, and got some starbucks at a little mall place with a surf shop. After that we were gonna change but we decided to try to sleep a8 little cuz we were pretty tired. We ended up sleeping for only about 25 minutes. After that we got some McDonald's and changed and headed over to the beach. By that time the sun was back out and it was about 85 degrees. Pretty warm! We found a great place under the pier to set up, where we just relaxed and took some pictures. We rested, but didn't sleep. We left cocoa beach around 1:30 and it took about 4 hours to get home. It was such an amazing trip and I can't wait to go again!

Today I was supposed to go home (which I was really excited about because I miss my parents and my sister) but I guess everyone is sick. So I ended up not going home, which I'm pretty sad about. I get to see my dad and my sister next weekend for sure, maybe my mom. I need to be studying for the test I have on monday that I keep forgetting about. Maybe I'll do that soon.