Update - It's been a while

So it's been quite a while since I've updated. I'd like to say that I've been so busy, but with the exception of the past two days, that's not quite true. I've just had nothing to update about until now.

Caroline and I went to Cocoa Beach on Thursday night and we spent the majority of yesterday there. It was amazing! We got in around 4:30 a.m. we found the 24 hour Ron Jon shop and went in there for a little while. Then we just walked around a bit, looking at random stuff. Then we tried to sleep in the car, but we were both so tired/excited that we just ended up giddy. The sunrise was at 6:46 and it was beautiful! The sky was clear long enough for us to get some beautiful pictures, both digital and film. After the sunrise, it got pretty cloudy. We took some pictures of the water, and found some guys surfing and got some amazing pictures. However, our first roll of film (one apiece!) was ruined because I forgot that I had to push a button on the bottom of my camera to release the film. I was quite saddened. But we each got two more rolls filled, so I was okay with that. Plus the surfing pictures and some of the sunrise were on my digital camera so that was cool too. Then we drove around, and got some starbucks at a little mall place with a surf shop. After that we were gonna change but we decided to try to sleep a8 little cuz we were pretty tired. We ended up sleeping for only about 25 minutes. After that we got some McDonald's and changed and headed over to the beach. By that time the sun was back out and it was about 85 degrees. Pretty warm! We found a great place under the pier to set up, where we just relaxed and took some pictures. We rested, but didn't sleep. We left cocoa beach around 1:30 and it took about 4 hours to get home. It was such an amazing trip and I can't wait to go again!

Today I was supposed to go home (which I was really excited about because I miss my parents and my sister) but I guess everyone is sick. So I ended up not going home, which I'm pretty sad about. I get to see my dad and my sister next weekend for sure, maybe my mom. I need to be studying for the test I have on monday that I keep forgetting about. Maybe I'll do that soon.

randomness

List things that you want to say to people, but never will.
Don't say who they are.
Never discuss it again.
No particular order.

Sometimes I wonder why I'm friends with you. You can be one of the most annoying people that I've ever met.

I think you're horrible at what you do, and if I had my way you wouldn't be doing it. You're too judgemental.

I wish you'd do one of two things, either contact me and get it over with. Or move on.

Sometimes you're really shallow, and it gets kind of aggravating.

I wish we spent more time together. And I feel really bad because even though I think you're great, I'm shallow and I said some really mean things about you a while back just to fit in.

I let what other people said about you influence my opinion of you, and now I wish I could take it back.

I was really hurt when you rejected me, even though I acted like it was no big deal.

I don't think you have a chance.

these days the stars ain't out of reach

Someone that I know always says that in the end we always go back to the beginning. To me, that is such a complex statement. It has so many meanings. The thing that I always think of, though, rings true. At least for me. It always seems that when I fall, I go back to the way that I once was. I go back to the things that I used to do, the people that I used to know. Someone once told me (or maybe it's just what I once thought) that I do this because it's who I really am and I can't change that, I can't get away from it. Even if I want to so badly. I don't know. Sometimes I wonder if it's true, if I'm destined to fall in the same way every time. I'm extremely frustrated with myself. Things were going so well. I was doing so well. But I always go back to that place, that person. I don't even want to be that person. At least most of the time. I don't know. It seems like I'm rambling and not making much sense.

I've been perusing other blogs lately. It seems as if everyone else writes their blogs for other people. As if they're writing for an audience. I think mine is mostly for myself, I write to clear my head. To put things in perspective. Perhaps that's why a lot of people don't read mine? Not that I mind, don't get me wrong. I don't plan on changing my blog. If it weren't for this, I would probably have anxiety attacks more often. Just an observation.

the world is turning in front of me and sometimes it's hard for me to let go

So in my quiet time yesterday, something dawned on me. I meant to write about it last night, but I was just so tired!

So my devotional is by Beth Moore and it's called Praying God's Word: Devotional Journal. I know that there's a book that it's supposed to go with, but meh. I didn't want to read the book, I just wanted the journal. So that's what I got.

Anyway, yesterday's devotional was called "Much to Teach" and she has this to say: Perhaps one of your strongholds is an addiction to a certain substance or behavior (hahaha God just kicked me in the face when I read that). Hear me: God can set you free. But what He requires from you is time, trust, and cooperation. The immense power of an addiction is rarely broken in a day. You see, God has as much desire to teach you as well as overwhelm you. He could show us His power by instantaneously setting us free from all desire for our stronghold. But few things beyond our salvation are "once and for all." If He delivered us instantly, we would see His greatness once, but we would soon forget. We'd risk going back. On the other hand, if God teaches us victory in Christ day by day, we live in the constant awareness of His greatness and sufficiency.

Let me tell you, that was a blow. Here I had been expecting God to just automatically take away my desire. It hadn't occurred to me that perhaps God was taking it away, just not automatically. It never occurred to me that the Teacher wanted to actually teach me. In that moment it occurred to me that this desire to go to clubs and go out to bars is an addiction. And for a long time, I thought that the only addictive part was the drinking, and I figured that as long as I didn't drink when I went out, I'd be okay. Aha! How wrong was I? That was a lie Satan was telling me. It had nothing to do with alcohol. I stopped drinking when I went out, and I didn't feel any better. The way I acted was the problem. Here's the kicker for me. I stopped telling people that I was doing it, because I knew what their reactions would be. GUILT? you bet. I didn't realize it, though. Talk about a kick in the pants.

I'm nervous though. I feel as if I can't trust myself to make the right choice. I've already proven that I give in to temptation if I'm having an especially rough time. Sometimes I can be strong and avoid temptation. Other times, especially if I'm stressed or having a hard time with something, the temptation is too much. I tell myself "this is the last time." Well the last three times have been the "last time." So where did that get me?

I think, though, that yesterday's devotion really made a difference for me. I realized that it is possible to resist the temptation, even in the hard times. I just have to work extra hard.

A good friend sent this to me. I'm just passing it on. It's the truth!

Let it go for 2007.. By T. D. Jakes

There are people who can walk away from you.

And hear me when I tell you this! When people can walk away from you:
Let them walk.

I don't want you to try to talk another person into staying with you, loving
you, calling you, caring about you, coming to see you, staying attached to
you. I mean hang up the phone.
When people can walk away from you let them walk. Your destiny is never
tied to anybody that left.

The bible said that, they came out from us that it might be made manifest
that they were not for us.
For had they been of us, no doubt they would have continued with us.
[1John 2:19] People leave you because they are not joined to you. And if
they are not joined to you, you can't make them stay.

Let them go.

And it doesn't mean that they are a bad person it just means that their part
in the story is over And you've got to know when people's part in your story
is over so that you don't keep trying to raise the dead.
You've got to know when it's dead.

You've got to know when it's over. Let me tell you something. I've got the
gift of good-bye. It's the tenth spiritual gift, I believe in good-bye.
It's not that I'm hateful, it's that I'm faithful, and I know whatever God
means for me to have He'll give it to me.
And if it takes too much sweat I don't need it.
Stop begging people to stay.

Let them go!!

If you are holding on to something that doesn't belong to you and was never
intended for your life, then you need to......

LET IT GO!!!

If you are holding on to past hurts and pains ......

LET IT GO!!!

If someone can't treat you right, love you back, and see your worth.....

LET IT GO!!!

If someone has angered you ........

LET IT GO!!!

If you are holding on to some thoughts of evil and revenge......

LET IT GO!!!

If you are involved in a wrong relationship or addiction.....

LET IT GO!!!

If you are holding on to a job that no longer meets your needs or talents
LET IT GO!!!

If you have a bad attitude.......

LET IT GO!!!

If you keep judging others to make yourself feel better......

LET IT GO!!!

If you're stuck in the past and God is trying to take you to a new level in
Him......

LET IT GO!!!

If you are struggling with the healing of a broken relationship.......

LET IT GO!!!

If you keep trying to help someone who won't even try to help
themselves.....

LET IT GO!!!

If you're feeling depressed and stressed .........

LET IT GO!!!

If there is a particular situation that you are so used to handling yourself
and God is saying "take your hands off of it,"
then you need to.....

LET IT GO!!!

Let the past be the past. Forget the former things. GOD is doing a new
thing for 2007!!!

LET IT GO!!!

Get Right or Get Left .. think about it, and then .

LET IT GO!!!

"The Battle is the Lord's!"

I'm not alright I'm broken inside and all I go through it leads me to You

So last night was definitely a PMS night. I went to sleep early and woke up late, and it was great. About my post from last night. It's true. Unfortunately it's one of those things that I have to admit about myself. Though I realized that it's not that I'm incapable of doing those things, in the case of saving money I haven't learned how to do it. So that's what I'm going to do this semester. With my classes, the reason that I'm not doing so hot is because I'm lazy. There was an entire week where I only went to class on one day. I didn't start studying for the tests until the night before. I had started out the semester well. I was reading ahead of time, and going to class. Then I got lazy. I stopped doing the readings, and I decided that I didn't feel like going to class. So that's something that I have to work on, also.

I still maintain that being an adult with all this responsibility sucks.

So I don't know if it's PMS or if it's because it's true, but right now I just really feel like I suck at life.

I can't save money for anything. I wish I could. I really want to. I'm supposed to. I just can't do it. My mom is amazing at it, and you'd think that I got that talent from her. But no. I got 1000 dollars back from school. It was supposed to be put in a bank account. I spent it. ALL of it. One week ago, there was 200 dollars left out of that thousand. Now? $16.59 It's very overwhelming. I'm supposed to be saving this money so I can buy a car. So I can get a job over the summer. So I can move into an apartment off campus.

The second reason I suck at life? I can't be motivated to do well in my classes. I think I have one class that I have above a C in right now. I know it's only the beginning of the semester, but I mean come on. I can't even start off with a decent grade. How am I supposed to end up with one?

I'm thinking (seriously) that I ought to just forego a social life, get a second job, and do nothing but eat, sleep, work, and study. Oh. and not spend money. Because otherwise, I suck at it.

So it's back.
That restless feeling.
I wish I knew how to get rid of it.
Besides the obvious (giving in.)
Except.
I really really want to give in.
I really really really want to just go.
Somewhere.
Anywhere.
but here.

Savior, He can move the mountains. my God is mighty to save. Forever, author of salvation, He rose and conquered the grave

Have you ever noticed that no matter how hard you try, you can't forget the past? It seems to me that the past refuses to be forgotten. Whether it be an event, or a person, or perhaps even a place, you can't get rid of it. Sure, you can go for a long period of time without thinking of it. Before you know it, you don't ever think about it. Then all of a sudden, there it is. Walking down the street, watching tv, sitting at your job, talking to someone else, whatever the situation. It all comes flooding back to you. Or you're just reminded of it. Perhaps it's a person you see everywhere that you wish you could forget. Or maybe it's parts of a place that show up in every corner you turn. Does this make it hard for you to move on? For me, I think that I might have been the biggest obstacle to getting over my past. I think that I just wallowed (for lack of a better word) in the pain and misery of everything that was going on in my life at a certain point. I let it take over my life. I tried to see bits and pieces in everything that was going on around me. I wouldn't let it go. Looking back now, I've figured out that I was afraid of letting go. I can't explain why, I don't know that I ever will be able to. I made myself miserable, and for what? Why is it that I wanted to be miserable for so long? Why didn't I want to be happy? I think that I used it to connect with people. I played the wounded victim. I wanted people to think "wow look at how much she's been through." Why?

I can honestly say that it's been quite a year for me. So much has changed in my life, so much has changed about myself. Though sometimes I catch myself using my past as a way to connect with people, I've now found other things. I'm happier than I've been since I can remember. I've realized that all the things I went through had to happen. It was how God got my attention. Good things are finally happening to me. More importantly, I'm letting good things happen to me. I'm accepting that I'm worth that much. I guess I never thought that I was worth it, because I had allowed myself to do the things that I've done. I suppose in a way it was a form of self-punishment? I'm so thankful that I got out of that. I can now accept my past. I can say yes, I've done those things. No, I'm not perfect. I suppose I've sort of liberated myself. I don't have all the answers. I don't even know who I am yet, but I'm getting there. I'm finding out more and more about who I am every day. I'm so excited to wake up every day and experience something new. I read somewhere that once a week you should do something unexpected, just to keep your life exciting. I think I'll try that. This week, something happened in my life. Something major, at least to me. Last weekend was particularly rough, but again it needed to happen. It was a catalyst for (perhaps the first) change in my life. I decided last week that I was sick of going to bars, and going to parties, and getting drunk. I haven't changed my opinion that a drink now and then is wrong, but I do see now that nothing good comes out of going and getting wasted in a place full of drunk, obnoxious people. I was one of those drunk, obnoxious people. I even lowered my standards. I would never have accepted that behavior from people I love. Why would I accept it from myself? So I gave it to God. He completely took away that desire. This past week I had a few opportunities to go out and get drunk, and I said no. I said no because I didn't even want to. The thought didn't appeal to me. That is so amazing to me, considering that not even 7 days before I had wanted to do it so badly that I considered putting my job in jeopardy.

What is it some random commercial says, change is good? That is so true.

I'll join with the angels in Heaven on high singing Praise the Lord I saw the light

ahhhhhhhh. David Crowder Band does an amazing version of "I Saw The Light" and it's on their A Collision or (3+4=7) album. (not a shameless plug, oh no!)

haha. I just finished the homework for one of my online classes. I should start the one that's due tomorrow at midnight (for a different class) considering that I'll be pretty busy tomorrow. I'll do it in a little while. Right now I'm not doing much of anything. I slept right through class today. Apparently I was tired from work last night.

Tonight is Challenge and I have to go in at 6:30 to do the welcome committee. I'm not really sure what I'm going to do with it yet. Caroline is going to help me, so yay for that!

"why are we obsessed with possessions here on earth? go and take a look at the flowers and the birds. God has always taken care of nature's every need. How much more important in the Father's eyes are we?"

I love that line. It's from Things Like You by Sanctus Real. How true is that. Oh, which reminds me. I need to do my quiet time. When I woke up my roommate was here, so I waited until she left. Now she's gone to take a test and then she's coming back to pack her stuff for the weekend. So I don't know how long I have.

Oh, if you're a praying person please pray for my friend Justin. I just got word that he's been sent back to Iraq, and they say only until the summer, but no one knows for sure when he'll be able to come home.

shine Your light and let the whole world see we're singing for the glory of the risen King

Today was actually very productive. I'm quite pleased with myself.

I went to class. (hooray!) Except last night at work I forgot to bring my binder and did the wrong case. So I did the right one today after class and dropped it off at my professor's office. Before I did that, I ended up at the free market on campus, hanging out with some cool people. Then I had some Burger King, and got to see Rachel, so that was cool. Caroline and I hung out with her for like an hour or something. Then I saw Val, and that was cool cuz I haven't seen her in forever. After that, I sat at the BCM tent thing for another half hour or so. Then I dropped off my assignment, then I went over to the BCM where I got more stuff done! I didn't get a chance to talk to Rahul, but I did ask Kylie to include in the mass email that goes out the prayer thing that I'm starting with my email address so people can be added to my list. Now I just have to figure out how to organize that on gmail. Yay! new organizing stuff. I love it. Then I went and checked my mail (my Beth Moore devotional still hasn't come!) and now I'm in my room before work.

Oh! The best part is that last night I found someone to take my Friday opening shift permanently so now I can do a Bible study on Friday nights! Hooray!

Even more importantly, not only have I been doing my quiet time every day, but it's been amazing! Today I found this verse that I just fell in love with. It's 1 Corinthians 1:9. (I mainly just love the first three words) It says God is faithful. Man oh man how that has proven to be so true in my life! Then it occurred to me (also during my quiet time) that God is faithful even when I'm not, and that just blew my mind. Definitely made me stop and think a while. Good stuff!

Man, my life is going so great right now! Oh man. So I had a meeting with Rahul yesterday, and we just talked about everything. I told him the problems I had been having with Challenge, and I ended up becoming part of the welcome committee, and now apparently I'm the organizer of it (which means I'm in charge of all the interns mwahaha). So I'm really excited about that, because I want people to feel welcome, not like they're lost in the shuffle. Plus I'm heading up this prayer chain thing, and I'm super excited about that.

Okay I think that's it. OH! I forgot to mention two very exciting things. The first is that I got a Coach purse (which is pretty much just like brand new, except used) for 17 dollars at a thrift store last Saturday. I'm so flipping excited!!! SEVENTEEN DOLLARS for a purse that's like normally around 200 dollars or so. Maybe even 300. I've wanted this purse for like 2 years now. Patience really does pay off!! The other exciting thing is that on Friday Caroline and I are going thrift shopping again! This time we're going to places that we missed on Saturday (because we were on a time crunch) and now that I don't have to be back for work, we can take our time! So excited!

Okay, that's really all I have to say! I'm gonna take a nap before work.

Yes You Have by Leeland

so I'm gonna do something that I haven't done in a while. In my last post is a link to Leeland's myspace page. I highly recommend you check them out. I just got their album and they are amazing. These are the lyrics to my favorite song by them. I think it's such a beautiful worship song.

Every tree and every storm
Every rushing wind that moans
They sing Your praise
My God they sing Your praise

Every star and open sky
tell of Your glory divine
They shout Your praise
They shout Your praise, yeah

You've stolen my heart, yes You have
You've stolen my heart, yes You have
You've wiped away the stains
And broke away the chains
Yes You have

With Your love you set me free
oh, three nails gave me liberty
So I'll sing Your praise
My God I'll sing Your praise

and Oh, with Your love
You forgave my sin
forgot my past
and brought me back again

So I'll sing Your praise
I'll sing Your praise, yeah

You've stolen my heart
yes You have
you've stolen my heart
yes You have

You've wiped away the stains
and broke away the chains, now
yes You have

If I ascend into the sky
Or hide behind the night
I cannot run Your love is chasing me

If I fall into the sea
Your hand will rescue me
No one will take Your place
because this is all for You
yes, this is all for You
You're the King of the world
You're the King of the world

You've stolen my heart
yes You have
You've stolen my heart
yes You have
You've wiped away the stains
and broke away the chains
yes You have
You've stolen my heart
yes You have
you've stolen my heart
yes You have
You've wiped away the stains
and broke away the chains
yes You have

I don't see my brokenness anymore, when I'm seated at the table of the Lord. I'm carried to the table, swept away by His love.

(the song in the title is Carried to the Table by Leeland. They're my new favorite band!)

Today has gone by so quickly. Granted, I slept through most of it. I didn't even mean to! I woke up at 730, so I could leave and do my quiet time before I went to class. Except, it was like 40 degrees outside, so class was out. I waited til my roommate left, and had an amazing quiet time! I'm so excited! My Beth Moore "Praying God's Word Devotional" was shipped out today, so I should get it soon! Hooray! The verse that stuck with me today was this:

Psalm 46:10 "Be still and know that I am God."

It just gave me shivers, and I just thought about it for the longest time. Coolest feeling ever!

So I was awake til around 11 or so, when I just all of a sudden got so tired that I could barely keep my eyes open. The next thing I know, it's 4 o'clock. Weirdest thing ever.

Now I'm just wasting time until I have to go to work. I'm gonna wear like 2 pairs of pants (haha just kidding). I am gonna bring a blanket, though. It's too flippin cold to not have one. At least I have the early shift, and get off at 11:30. yay!

So last night at Late Nite was awesome. I haven't gotten that feeling since I first came back to God. I can't explain what happened, but I know why it did. I'm so thankful for a God who hears and listens to my prayers. One of the things that I've been struggling with is to be a "normal" college student, and go to parties and all that nonsense. It finally came to a breaking point Saturday night. God just cleaned out my heart and that feeling is completely gone. I can't even describe how it feels. My heart actually feels lighter.

Hooray for more prayers answered! I finally have my accountability partner back! Who knew that something that seemed so "wrong" was actually what God had in store all along!

Oh man! I'm so flippin excited for the Fusion Conference!!!! I can't wait to see David Crowder Band! It's gonna be amazing.

Ooh. Maybe I'll take my knitting to work tonight and work on a scarf. Hmm. Sounds like a plan to me.

Oh and things are better with my roommate. YAY! Life is good (eternal life is better! hahaha)

I've been tagged.... it took me forever... but I did it!

THE RULES: Each player of this game starts with the 6 weird things about you. People who get tagged need to write a blog of their own 6 weird things as well as state this rule clearly. In the end, you need to choose 6 people to be tagged and list their names. Don't forget to leave a comment that says you are tagged in their comments and tell them to read your blog.

1. I eat raw potatoes. Apparently this is abnormal. Ever since I can remember, every time my mom (or grandma) was making potatoes, they used to slice off a piece of potato to get us out of the kitchen. They're so good!

2. I knit and crochet. Recently I've discovered that this is something typically associated with Grandmas. Oh well. I do it, and I love it. very relaxing/stress relieving.

3. I love Southern Gospel. HAHAHA. I make fun of my mom so much for listening to it, but I secretly love it! (don't tell my mom!) In the same thread, I also love the really old church hymns (how great thou art, come thou fount, amazing grace, etc...)

4. I am very indecisive when it comes to every day things (such as where I want to eat for lunch/dinner/whatever, or what we should do when we're bored) but I know exactly what I want to do with my life, my life's goal, and just how I'm going to do it.

5. I'll eat pretty much anything at least once, but I'm really picky about what I eat. I know it makes no sense, but it's true. I'm up for pretty much everything (I've even tried sushi like 3 times even though I hate the seaweed) but I'll sit and pick lettuce out of my salad that looks gross and I don't eat corn.

6. I talk to myself. A lot. Not just random things, either. I've been known to have entire conversations with myself.

Bah. This part about tagging 6 people, I don't know that there are 6 people that I know who read my blog. So if you read it, you're tagged. Let me know when you do it. Thanks!

if you never try you'll never know just what you're worth

I always find it funny how the lyrics that I use as post titles (which are usually just lyrics from the song that I'm listening to at the moment) always end up pretty much reflecting life at that point in time.

I don't believe in coincidences. I don't believe things happen by chance.

I do believe that God speaks to me through music. I can only hope that God is speaking to you through the words that I write.

So many options for tonight. I could go to work and get paid to do nothing. I could go to Challenge and hang out with some people. I could go to Campus Crusade and see what that's all about. Or, I could sit at home and watch Grey's Anatomy. The problem is that I spent quite a bit of money last week that I was supposed to be saving. So now I need to pick up extra shifts and literally spend as little as possible to get back that money, plus some. So I should go to work, but I don't know if I want to go to work. What to do, what to do.

Or, I could forego any type of social activity Saturday night and take the extra shift then. Or I could do both shifts. AGH! I came to the conclusion today that being an adult sucks. At least sometimes.

Okay. I made a decision. I'm going to work tonight, and then see how I feel about Saturday later on.

I think that's a responsible decision.

ugh. blogger is ridiculous.

I had a direction that I wanted this post to go in, but now I've completely forgotten what it was. I guess it must not have been that important to me.

Life is quickly becoming quite interesting from me (aside from all the family stuff going on.)

On what feels like a whim, I decided to join the leadership team for Late Nite. Now I'm beginning to wonder if that was the right decision. I've been praying about it, but it feels as if God is not answering me right now. Perhaps that is my answer? I know that God always answers, I'm just wondering if what feels like a "non-answer" is actually His way of telling me that I should not have joined leadership.

My classes are actually going pretty well. Unlike last semester, most of my classes actually have work due on a regular basis, so that is forcing me to keep up with the reading and materials. Which means that (hopefully) I won't fall behind in my reading. I'm enjoying my classes immensely, which is another thing in itself because last semester I pretty much hated most of my classes to the point that I never went.

Since I've been back, I've been pretty busy. Sunday, I did a little bit of shopping for some things that I needed. Then I went to Starbucks with Caroline, and we hung out. We've been hanging out a lot more lately, which is really exciting to me. Then there was Late Nite, and after that a bunch of people went and saw The Hitcher. It was pretty gory, and scared me half to death, but it was pretty good. Yesterday was pretty mellow compared to Sunday. I went to class in the morning, then I came home for a little while. Then I decided to head to the mall and buy the promise ring that I've been wanting for what seems like eternity. I was pretty happy about that. Then I worked last night until 11:30. Then I came home and went to sleep. Today I had the class in the mall, then I headed to the grocery store for a few things that I needed. Today was just pretty mellow, seeing as how it's the only day that I don't really have anything going on. I did some homework, and read a couple chapters for a couple of my classes. Now I'm just wasting the next twenty minutes or so, listening to some jazz music while I wait for Law and Order: SVU to come on.

I've been doing my quiet time every day! I'm really excited about that. I've noticed a difference in a lot of areas in my life since I've been doing it on a regular basis. I've been a lot less stressed, actually. I've also had a sharp decline in my desire for a relationship. I've actually rarely even thought about wanting a boyfriend. I've been so busy with other stuff that I haven't even had time to miss the intimacy of a relationship. That's pretty exciting for me considering what last semester was like. I'm beginning to realize that last semester was just bad all around for me. I've also noticed that my friendships have become a lot better since then. I think that I've been able to be more patient with things and people, and I've really learned to appreciate the friends that I do have. I'm trying to be a better friend to everyone, and at the same time keeping the ones that I really do want the most to work out. That sounded kinda lame, I think. Oh well.

Meanwhile, I've seen Pride and Prejudice and I'm extremely happy with the way they made it. It's so true to the book. I think it might become my favorite movie. I haven't decided yet, but it's definitely up there on the list. Now, I've decided to read the book. Again. For like the 13594386th time. It is most definitely my favorite book ever. I absolutely love the story, I think it's amazing. I recommend it to anyone who hasn't read it.

So yeah. That's how life is going for me. This week is going to be pretty busy class-wise. I've got an assignment due tomorrow, one due Thursday, and another due Friday. Then Friday night I'm working a 9 hour shift, and Saturday night I work at 6, and I haven't decided whether or not I'm going to work another 9 hour shift. I definitely am going to need the money, but I don't know if I'll be up for it. I'll have to see later on this week.

Hallelujah!!! My God reigns

Wow.

I don't even know where to begin.

God is moving mountains. In my life. In the lives of those around me. He is moving mountains that some would deem immobile.

Here's the back-story on the biggest mountain.

My aunt has three children, all with different fathers. Her youngest child is 11, and he has Fragile X Syndrome. Her life has been difficult. A few years ago she married a man that my grandmother (her mother) introduced her to. The first time that this man was in my parents home, he smacked my sister (who at the time was probably 13) on the butt and she violated. He has never been welcome in our home again. He has treated her three kids horribly. He tried to kick out her oldest daughter when she turned 18. We believe that he has been abusing my 11-year old cousin, but we can't be sure. During their marriage, he has cheated on her numerous times, even going as far as having a mistress in China whom he refers to as his "wife." Within the past month or so, she discovered that he has been subscribing to porn sites, and has gone on dating sites and created profiles. On these sites he describes in great detail his penis and claims he is divorced. He is looking for girls to have sex with, and girls who are willing to have threesomes. My aunt is very beautiful, and he is lucky to have her. He takes complete advantage of that. She has been trapped in his home, especially as she no longer has any family in Michigan since we have all moved. For about a year she has been talking about leaving him, but always with the excuse "next week" or "next month" or "when I get my debts paid off."

My dad received an email from her over the weekend telling him about the porn sites and the dating sites. She also discovered emails on her computer to the woman in China, and found out that he has been flying this woman over from China on a regular basis to see him. All his money goes to his mistress, and his wife sees none of it.

So Sunday morning, my dad called my aunt and convinced her to leave him. We were a bit skeptical, however, because she's been saying it for over a year now.

Last night at midnight she showed up at my parents' house. It is honestly the most amazing thing that has happened. I don't know how anything could top it.

All I can do right now is give God all the praise and glory. I honestly believe that she would not have done this on her own. The guy is insane, and had he come home while she was packing and found out that she was leaving, we don't know what would have happened. He probably would have gotten violent. I'm just so grateful and relieved that she is finally out of that situation.

I'm not trying to hide anything I wear it on my sleeve I'm not trying to be something I'm not this is all I've got

I'm not trying to reinvent the wheel. Just trying to be real.
I'm not trying to say "follow me" I'm not the one who leads.
Let me introduce myself to you. This is who I am. No more no less.
I am just a man who understands. Because of You I'm blessed. No more no less.

I'm not trying to prove anything. It's all about the change.
I hope you stay just long enough to see. The heart that's beating here inside of me.
Beyond all of the things you may think you know, I'm just a kid trying to make it home, that's it.
No more no less. Lord I wanna go home. Nothing more and nothing less. I just wanna go home. Nothing more and nothing less.

- Mercy Me "No More No Less"

Looking back, I realize that my last post was pretty dramatic. Well, not dramatic, because that's honestly how I was feeling when I typed that post out. Now that I've had time to calm down, I feel so differently. Let me elaborate:

My sister recently got in trouble for something that she should not have been doing. When I look at her situation, I see myself only a few years ago. I do not want her to go down the same path that I did. I do not want her to experience the heartache and pain. I also feel slightly responsible for what she did. She saw what I went through, and how I handled it. However, I never really took the time to talk to her about what it did for me, and the regret that I feel about it. I think that maybe if we had talked about it, she would have made better decisions. I do know that she has to make her own mistakes, and I can't blame myself for them. I also can't be mad at her for her actions. That's not my job, nor is it the right way to react. I know that I need to help her get through this, and hopefully avoid the same places that I've been.

Moving on.

I need help. Rather, I need advice. I've been doing my quiet time every day (yay me!) but I feel like somehow I'm doing it wrong, if that makes sense. Right now I feel like I'm basically reading a passage and praying. I don't feel as if there's any interaction with God. That just seems wrong to me. I am completely at a loss as to how to improve my quiet time. Right now it's probably 5-10 minutes. Don't get me wrong. It's making a difference that I'm doing it on a daily basis, and I can see it in my attitude and my actions. I just want to make it better!

Tonight is the first Challenge of the semester. I'm pretty excited, actually. I want to start going on a regular basis, again. I also want to look into the possibility of getting involved somehow (though not on leadership.) I don't know about that though. I need to keep praying about it.

Anyway. That's my current life-situation. I must say, it's not that bad. I'm actually in a pretty good place right now.

How are you?

Ugh.

It's a heartbreaking time in your life when you realize that someone you thought you knew very well is not at all even remotely the person you thought they were. It's even worse when you're supposed to be a role model to them.

You start to ask yourself where you went wrong, and how you could have done better. I mean. I don't even know how to address the situation. I can't even look at this person the same. I honestly don't know what to do, it just blows my mind. This is something that I would have never expected. I know that's vague, and I don't think I'm going to give full details on here. but honestly this just makes everything so different.

please just keep me and my family in your prayers.

I am me, but who am I?

I think making new year's resolutions is a ridiculous idea. If you're going to change something about yourself, do it when you realize that you need to change. Don't wait until the "new year" starts to make the change. It's even more ridiculous because most people don't even stick to their resolutions. I mean, seriously. There is nothing about the "new year" that's going to make you a different person, more likely to keep your resolutions this year than last year when you made them and didn't keep them.

With that said, the break at home has been so relaxing for me. I've had a lot off time to think about what's been going on this last semester, and why I've been so stressed out. I do think that there's a lot of stuff I want to change. About myself, about my life, about the things that I can control. I guess you could call this a "resolution" if you really wanted to, but I don't consider that. I think this is something that's been a long time coming.

Somewhere along the way, I stopped being myself. I don't know why, but it was almost as if I was a completely different person. I was not happy. I was pretending to be this person that I wasn't. And for what? It's not like I gained a bunch of friends. And the friendships that I did gain were based on what, being someone that I'm not? I want to be myself, I want to figure out who that is. And I want to find friends that I can be myself around. I don't want friends that I have to pretend around.

Through everything that's been going on, it's almost as if I've been devoid of most emotions. Even though I wasn't completely emotionless, it was a temporary feeling. Most importantly, I've lost my passion for pretty much anything. I don't know what my passion is anymore, and I want to find it. I want to get it back.

One thing that I haven't been doing much of is being completely honest with people. I hate that. One of the things I hate about other people is when they're dishonest. Knowing that about myself, I try to be honest with people. Obviously, that doesn't always happen. This goes beyond that, though. The biggest thing, though, is that part of my testimony isn't completely true. I can honestly say that I don't know why I felt the need to exaggerate something that wasn't nearly as bad as I made it seem. I told a lot of people that before I committed my life to Christ, I struggled with drugs and alcohol. That's not completely true. I didn't have an addiction, and it wasn't as big of a struggle as I told people. I hate the fact that I lied, and I hate that it's almost a continuing lie. Because of this people think it's wrong that as a legal adult I see nothing wrong with going out with some friends and having a drink or two. They say that I should know better. To be honest, there's only few people that I even care enough about to be honest with about this part of my life. The rest of the people aren't important to me, they aren't close to me, and they don't make an effort to include me in their lives. So as far as they are concerned, I don't need to go back and tell them any different. I will just be honest about everything from this point on. If I'm asked about it, I'll be honest. But I won't go out of my way.

The most important part of my life that I want to change is my quiet time. I know that I talk about this a lot. It probably sounds redundant, but I want to get back into it. I want to do it on a daily basis. I want to get more into the Word, and I want to grow closer to my God. I want to have that relationship that other people seem to have. I can't explain the way it is now. I wish I could. It's almost as if it's a relationship with like a grandparent, or an extended relative. It's something that I see sometimes, and it's something that I know is there. And there are even some times that I feel it with this intensity that is amazing. But on a daily basis, it's not really this thing that I feel. I want to change that.

So that's it. At least that's all that I can think of right now. I made the list in my prayer journal. I'm excited about the coming semester. I'm excited about going back to school, and getting back to the few friends that I want to spend my time with. I can't wait to find more people that I want to get to know better. Honestly, right now, there are only two people that I want to even devote my energy to. They're the only ones that I feel are genuinely my friends. They're the two people that I feel actually care about me, and aren't just friends with me to serve their own selfish purposes. I can't wait to see how this semester turns out.

I can't come up with a catchy title.

Hrm. This is pretty much not good. I'm getting back into the habit of staying awake until about 2 a.m. and waking up around noon. For about a week and a half, I was going to sleep around 10 or 11 p.m. and waking up around 7 a.m. I pretty much liked that schedule. Don't get me wrong, it's not like I don't get enough sleep, and I am on "vacation" so to speak, but I know that if I keep this sleeping schedule the rest of break, I won't have a good sleeping schedule when I get back to school. I suppose that sometime in the next few day I'll try to get back into the schedule. For now I'm watching "20 Most Horrifying Hollywood Murders" on the E! Channel. It's pretty interesting.

So I haven't done my quiet time in a few days. I don't know what's going on. It just seems that I can't keep up with doing it on a daily basis. I can't even say that I'm too busy and I forget. Honestly, I'm not that busy during the day. I mean, God is the creator of the universe, and He still makes time for me. I can't even make time for Him on days that I don't do anything. How am I going to keep up with my quiet time on days that I have work, class, etc? Gah. I don't even know what to do with it.

Anyway. not too much else going on. Just passing the time and enjoying the time with my family.

...

Coming home in the past has always been very bittersweet for me. This time is very different. Usually coming home means being restless, it means being anxious about going back to school.

This semester has been so stressful for me. Between classes, work, personal relationships, and my brother leaving I was stretched out way too thin. I dropped the ball a lot this semester. I definitely struggled with a lot. It got to the point where not only was I not in the mood to go out and be social, but I couldn't even deal with being alone. Coming home was such a relief. It was a chance to get away from everything and everyone that was causing me anxiety.

This last week was sooo amazing. It was so great to be able to get a full night's sleep, every night. I actually have been doing my quiet time. Most importantly, I've been able to spend time with my family. It's been very weird not having my brother here, and it's a little sad, but it's still been great. I think that had this break not come right now I would probably have had a nervous break down.

Anyway. I have two weeks left at home. I don't really have any plans. I don't really have anything else to say, so I guess I'm gonna go to sleep.

Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas!!!!

I hope that people remember the real reason we celebrate this holiday. It's not the gifts, or the food, or the decorations. It's the King who was born in a barn so that He would die for the sins of you and I.

Totally Tubular!

So it's 6:15 a.m. The second day in a row that I've woken up this early after a full night's sleep. It's the best feeling in the world, a good night's sleep. I think this should happen every night!

So I knew that this past week was going to take a toll on my body/health. But I definitely didn't expect to get strep throat. I didn't even know it was going around, but I got it. Though I'm definitely not surprised. If someone within a 15 foot vicinity of me is carrying it, I'm likely to get it. Luckily, we still had the prescription from when my sister had strep throat, and I caught it early. So hopefully it won't get too bad.

Plus it gives me an excuse to be lazy :-P

Yesterday was a pretty good day. I got most of my Christmas shopping done. There's only one more person that I need to buy a gift for, but first I need to verify that we're doing a gift exchange. It would help if he would answer his flippin phone! Haha. Last night I tried calling my friend TJ to see if he wanted to get some dinner at Chili's while I was out and about but he never answered. Oh well. Just wasn't meant to be, I guess.

I don't know what all we're doing today. I know that I need to do some laundry, and my mom is baking :) Plus, tonight is third advent. So that's pretty exciting. Since it's the third one, we get to pick out a small gift from under the tree. I'm pretty excited about that!

I also borrowed my sister's Hanson Christmas cd (don't hate) and am currently uploading it on my computer to put on my ipod. All the while drinking green tea with lemon, which I'm hoping will help my poor throat.

Oh man! So last night I went shopping at Target (I LOVE THAT STORE!) and bought the coolest Trivial Pursuit game ever. It's Trivial Pursuit: Totally 80s! My family loves to play board games, especially trivial pursuit games. We own so many of them. So of course, I had to have it. Plus I got a new Target Card yesterday, so why not spend some money?! Haha, actually. The game was going to be a gift to my family, and I was going to wrap it and everything. Then I decided that I wanted to play it too badly, so I just left it unwrapped and we played it last night. Such good times! My mom, of course, is full of information that you'd never think anyone would know, and she won!

Some of my favorite family memories include playing board games.

HOORAY!

I'm so excited that this semester is finally over. I took my last exam today. I don't know how I did on it, and I don't particularly care right now. I'm sure I'll care when I get back to normal, but right now I'm just so glad that this week is over with.

Tomorrow morning at 9 I'm going to babysit Collin and Griffin. I'm pretty excited about it, they're only the cutest kids in the world. After that I have to do my checkout with my RA and then finish up whatever in my room and then I can leave.

I am so glad to be going home! Today after my exam I got to sleep. It was honestly the best sleep I've had in a long time. I didn't have to worry about waking up by a certain time, or having to wake up and study. It felt so good!

Other than sleep (rarely) and study, I haven't done much this week. Last night I did get to do some shopping, and went to steak and shake with some friends. That was a nice break from the ordinary.

I need to remember tomorrow that I have a couple Christmas cards I need to get mailed out. I also need to find my stamps and get some addresses. What I really need to do is pack. I'll do that in a little while.

I did my quiet time a few times this week, but my schedule has been so messed up that I just didn't do it. Starting tomorrow I'm gonna try to start doing in every day, at around the same time.

Anyway, I guess that's it. Gonna surf the web and listen to some Christmas music.

have you seen me and what I want to be did anybody call did anyone at all ask where I was did you tell them it's because I've been here so long

So I'm halfway through my finals. Two down, two to go.

I have to be honest, though. I have done absolutely nothing today as far as the 8 page paper that I have due tomorrow. I'm not really worried about, but I should work on it. Instead I've watched the new episode of House. I also watched How The Grinch Stole Christmas as well as like some background thing on it. I love that show! So cute!

Anyway. I'm pretty exhausted, but it's like I'm too tired to sleep. It's weird. I was in a weird mood tonight, and I ignored all phone calls after like 9. I also put up an away message and didn't talk to anyone. It felt good to just kinda be in my own world for a little while. I think that's something everyone should do for themselves once in a while.

I go home on Friday. I'm definitely ready to get away from here for a while. This semester has been pretty rough for me. It'll be great to be able to spend some time with my sister, and with the rest of my family. I'm definitely looking forward to getting into all the holiday stuff. On the 22nd, we're having our family Christmas party. This year it's at our house. I'll be able to see my cousins, and my Oma and Grandpa, and my aunts, and my uncles. One of my uncles will be home from Afghanistan, so I'm excited about that.

I'm also looking forward to doing some shopping! I can't wait for the after-Christmas specials. But mostly, I'm just looking forward to having some sort of normal sleeping pattern, and being able to spend time with my family.

I thank God every day for my family. It's going to be sad this year, though. It will be the first Christmas in my entire life that my brother hasn't been with us. That's still pretty tough, and I'm still having a hard time with the whole situation. If you're a praying person, please pray for my brother. He's so lost, with no direction for his life.

hooray for more Christmas traditions!

Sometimes all you need is to be rescued from yourself.

This weekend could have gone really badly for me.

Instead, I have amazing friends. Tonight was one of those nights where I wasn't really feeling up to being social, I just wanted to be alone. but obviously God had other plans, because I'm currently sitting in Jess' apartment at 6:08 a.m. after having only gone home for a few minutes to grab my stuff and leave again. Granted, I didn't get any of my own studying done, but that doesn't matter. I think tonight was one of those nights where I probably shouldn't have been alone. It's like, sometimes, when all you want to do is be by yourself that's the last thing that should happen. It's hard to explain. Tonight was fun, in a random sort of way. I should probably study. And I will. Just not right now. Right now I'm going to blog about nothing. Well actually, I'm going to write about another Christmas tradition, because It's technically Sunday, and today is the second Advent.

So, like I said before, my dad is German. Hence, we have a lot of German Christmas traditions. Although, I don't really know if Advent is particularly German, I'm gonna pretend it is until someone proves me wrong. Advent is the waiting period before Christ's birth. It's celebrated the four Sundays before Christmas eve. We have an advent wreath, with four taper candles, and a pillar candle in the middle. On the first Sunday we light the first candle, and on the second Sunday the second candle, and so on and so forth. On Christmas Eve we light the pillar candle in the middle of the wreath. Before my brother moved out, Advent was a whole production. My brother, sister, and I would go into a bedroom and shut the door. We would read the story of Christ's birth, and talk about it until it was time to come out. We always knew when it was time to come out because that's when we would hear the music start. When we came out of the room, our parents would have turned on all the Christmas lights, and lit all the angel chime-things (I'll try to describe those later and find out what they're called) and we would each have a tray with little candies and perhaps a small gift. On the first Advent, it was only candy. Which was fine with us. On the second Advent, a small unwrapped gift. Third Advent was a larger unwrapped gift, and by Fourth Advent there would most likely be gifts under the tree, and we would be allowed to choose one (although sometimes they were chosen for us.) Afterwards, we would all sit around and discuss the story we had read. I think it was something tat made me appreciate Christmas even more, and it's definitely a tradition that I'll carry on with my own family.

Let me breathe my strength my solace from the spring

What is it about stepping outside our comfort zone that makes us stuck in our ways?

What is it about admitting that we're wrong or need help?

Why are so good at giving advice to people in the same situation we are, yet we can't take our own advice?

This is the place I'm in. I have no idea how to ask for help. My pride gets in the way. I hate admitting that I can't do something on my own, and that damned comfort zone will be the death of me. Or at least the spiritual death of me. I see the women around me, and I the passion that they have, the relationship they have with God. I wish I could have that. I don't know how. I honestly don't know. I don't know where to begin, I always feel like I'm doing something wrong. I mean, things go well for a while. then something happens. I get sidetracked, and before I know it I'm back where I started. Why do I keep ending up like this. How do I get out of this cycle?

I believe that I mentioned somewhere before that I feel like I've lost all capacity for feeling bad or feeling guilty this semester. I wish I knew why. I wish I knew how to get it back. I know this sounds weird, but I want so badly to feel guilty! The twist is, when I do something wrong, I know that it's wrong. Not only do I know it's wrong, but I avoid telling people about it because I know that it's wrong. I don't know if I avoid telling them because I feel bad about it, or because I don't want them to judge me. I think it has more to do with being judged. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place, and I don't know what to do.

I desperately need an accountability partner, and someone who can help me get through this.

There's nothing like the joy that fills your heart when you know that you are loved.

I am in the best mood that I've been in these past few weeks. I just finished my paper!!! Not only did I finish it, but I happen to think it's pretty good!

Aside from that, it's almost finals week, which means that it's almost time to go home!!!! I go home in 9 days, and I'm so excited! Plus, I get to see my family on Saturday, which I'm pretty stoked about. I found out that I'm getting an 81 in one of my classes (which is definitely NOT what I thought I was getting!) and so now I don't have to take the extra credit quiz tomorrow! Which means I don't have to read an unnecessary book, which will only take up brain space that needs to be filled with information pertinent to my finals.

So seeing as how it's December 6th (rather, it's 2:50 a.m. on December 7th, but I still haven't slept, so it's December 6th to me), I think I'll share one of my favorite childhood Christmas traditions. I must preface this by saying that my dad is German, so this is a German tradition.

December 6th was always the night in our house that Niklaus came, because that's the day that he came in Germany. Niklaus is the German Santa Claus. As kids we'd always get so excited! Of course, Niklaus couldn't come until it was dark, because he never traveled in the daylight. But that never stopped us from asking when he was coming! It was the biggest thing in our house! And we always knew when he was coming because he would ring bells. We listened for the bells pretty much as soon as the sun set. Niklaus would bring us bags with gifts and candy, and would set the bags by the door. As soon as we heard the bells we knew that he had brought the gifts. The first thing we did was run to the window to get a glimpse of him! It was the best feeling in the world when we saw Niklaus walking away in his red suit with his beard and his black boots in the snow. One year he even had a sleigh with a horse! Then of course we brought in our bags and proceeded to sort through our Christmas treasures! Those are memories that I will never forget, and traditions that I will carry out with my own children.

Perhaps I will share mor traditions as Christmas gets closer :)

I don't know where to go from here, except I do.

So it's 3 a.m. and I'm hanging out at the BCM. I'm not really sure why I'm here, actually. I should be at home either sleeping or working on my paper. But I'm doing neither. I should be working on my paper here, but I'm not. Instead I'm just sitting around doing nothing. In like two hours we're gonna go check the line for tickets to the football game, and after that I don't know what. If she needs me to, I'll stand in line with Jess so I can get a ticket with my ID cuz she doesn't have hers.

Anyway. Things are weird. I don't know, maybe because it's the end of the semester or because I'm extremely stressed. Either way it's a weird feeling. I haven't done my quiet time since Saturday, even though I keep saying that I'm going to. It's possible that I'm going to throw my shoes on and grab my sweater and go outside and spend some time with God, but we'll see how that goes, too.

I'm at a really weird place relationship-wise. A while ago I made the decision that I wasn't going to date anyone and I really meant it. I felt (and still feel) that I'm not in a place to be in a relationship. I don't have the time nor energy to devote to a relationship. Plus I'm not in any place spiritually to be in a relationship. I can't even keep focused on God while I'm single, there's no way I could balance that and a relationship.

Despite knowing all that, I so desperately want the intimacy that comes with a relationship. I want the friendship, and the romance, and above all the intimacy. Sometimes it doesn't bother me that much, then others it's just an overwhelming feeling. It can also sometimes be an uncomfortable feeling, and I find myself being envious of friends who are in a relationship.

I know that this is a period of growth and that God is trying to teach me something. Unfortunately, I'm not moving forward very much. In fact, I might be moving slightly backwards, or at the very least standing still.

I don't know where to go from here, except I do.

Restless..... and it's only 9:30 a.m.

Do you ever feel that you were meant for something more, something bigger?

The kind of restless I'm talking about isn't the typical "can't sit still" restless. It's a restlessness in my heart. A feeling that right here, right now isn't what God has meant for me.

I love this place, I love my friends, but I want more. I want bigger.

When I was living at home, before I came to school, someone who was once a good friend told me that I didn't belong in that town. He said that it was too small for me, and it was true. But even the restlessness I felt then isn't the same as the kind I feel now.

It's hard, because on one hand I just want to be finished with school, and start my life. On the other hand, I want to make the best of college, I want to soak in the experience, and I want to grow. I know I'm not ready to be done with school. I just can't help but feel restless once in a while.

5 Untold Truths About Me

1. I am stubborn.

2. I hate admitting when I'm wrong.

3. Sometimes I get freaked out in the dark.

4. I have a hard time getting close to people even though I seem to have a lot of friends.

5. I hate asking for help (so when I ask for help it means I really need it)

I so hate consequences

True to form, I put off doing my papers until the very last minute. the very last minute. I finished the first paper two hours before it was due to be emailed. So I emailed that sucker and went to sleep for three hours. That gave me 6 hours before my next paper was due. Technically 7 hours, but I was aiming for an hour early so I had time to fix errors and print it out and whatnot. Well imagine my surprise when the 8 page paper I set down to write ended up being assigned as a 10 page paper. That should have been my first sign. But I figured, no problem I can get this done. I was wrong. I read the book that the aper was on, and then I drafted out a quick outline and began typing my "think" paper. With a paper like that, you'd think it would be easy to type up ten pages, double spaced. 4 o'clock rolled around and I was finished. There was only one problem. It was only 5 pages, and despite everything I tried, I just couldn't get it to ten pages. So I had to make a hard decision. I could pray and pray that in one hour I could type five whole pages and print it out and get it in on time and have it be at the very most a C or D paper. Or, I could put it aside and work on it this weekend and make it an A or B paper, and take a full letter grade reduction for handing it in late. Unfortunately I have to take the reduction because there was no way I was getting that done by 6 o'clock. But that leaves me this weekend to work on it, plus I have a test in the same class on Monday, so I need to study for that. oh the stress. But, I did this to myself, so now I just have to deal with the consequences, even though they suck. Hopefully next time I'll remember how stressful this was and get my stuff done (or at least started) early!

I'm getting ready to go grab something to eat and then head to work for the early shift. I really need to make some money and I've picked up a few shifts this week for bill money and Christmas money. So that was a blessing. Luckily, all my shifts are base shifts, which means that I can take my study guide into work tonight and fill in all the answers. I can't wait for this semester to be over. I'm so ready to be done with these dumb law classes and get into my criminology stuff! So excited! I'm mostly looking forward to sleeping tonight! I'll probably spend all day tomorrow filling in answers on my study guide. Hooray for Saturdays!

It's lovely weather for a sleigh ride (I wish!)

I've come to the conclusion that people have little detectors that go off whenever I decide to have some "me" time. I've been exhausted for the past few days, so today after my classes I decided I was going to sleep until I felt better and then work on my papers. I went to sleep at 2 and woke up at 7. I still haven't gotten around to writing my papers, but since 2, I've received phone calls from 5 different people, one person has called about 4 times, and gotten two text messages. Understand that this is highly unusual for me. Normally, I only receive about 2 phone calls in an entire day and maybe one text message. Now, one friend I can understand because she's having an especially hard time lately, but as for the others, COME ON! This is ridiculous. If I don't answer the phone the first two times, chances are good that I'm not going to answer the third, fourth, or fifth times either. Also, I've had an away message up pretty much all day and I haven't talked to anyone. It's just been some good "me" time. Except I haven't worked on either of my papers at all, which is not good. They're both due on Friday, one at 10 a.m. and the other by 6 p.m. Ugh. Guess what I'll be doing tomorrow?

Anyway. It's 2:30 a.m. and I'm going to go back to sleep. I'm tired again.

Hooray for hot cocoa and Christmas music!

a beautiful collision is happening now

I hate the way my fingers are stiff when I wake up in the morning.

Hooray for an amazing God!

Last night I picked up an early shift at work. What a blessing! I also picked up a few shifts in the coming week. That will definitely be so great. It will help out with the money that I've spent, and with money for Christmas. Plus I keep forgetting that I get to sell my books back soon!

Last night I got off work at 11:30, and I ended up going to Jess' apartment to hang out with her and stay the night. It was definitely very much what I needed. It wasn't anything profound, we just hung out but it was great after not having seen anyone for a week.

gah.

So much to say but the words won't come!

I have class today at 2, and another at 4. I have two papers due this week, one on Thursday and one on Friday. The one on Friday came as a big surprise because I thought it was due next week and I had absolutely no clue what it was supposed to be about. So that's kinda crappy, but it'll get done. I have no choice. The other paper is one I've known about for a few weeks, but as usual, I put it off til the last possible minute.

UGH! I hate growing up and becoming an adult. There's too much responsibility. I will gladly trade the "freedoms" of living on your own for the lack of responsibility that comes with not being an adult.

I think the thing that hurts me more than anything else is when I see my friends hurting and I don't know what to do to help, or even worse there's nothing I can do to help.

Definitely NOT studying :(

so I'm in the library. It's 8:30. Obviously I didn't go to Late Nite. I need to study for this test so that I can get a decent grade and keep my gpa up. It's not that I haven't gotten anything done, it's just that it's coming along slowly. I've got my Starbucks mug, full of coffee that's chock full of sugar, vanilla, and cinnamon. I'm doing this review so slowly. It's just not interesting. I honestly don't know how this is going to keep my attention at all! It doesn't help that the study rooms are like 4 feet away and the group of people inside one of them is really loud. She keeps laughing loudly and getting all excited. It's pretty distracting. At least I remembered to bring my headphones so I can listen to music. My friend is flying back into town and she's going to join me here and we're going to have a "library party"! I must say I'm pretty excited. After a week at home, I'm ready to see someone that's not family! haha.

So, last night I was sitting in my bed, playing on my computer and watching television. Chris IMed me. It was kinda odd. He kinda acted like nothing happened at first. So I flat out asked him why I hadn't heard from him for two weeks. He claimed he thought I 'was mad at him' and then pointed out that I hadn't IMed him either. When I asked why he thought I was mad at him, he didn't answer then said that he was going to watch tv and would talk to me later. Shockingly, he hasn't IMed me. I'm pretty okay with that.

Mmm. So I'm officially a criminology major. That's pretty exciting. I get to take my basic criminology classes next semester. I have a feeling that next semester will go better than this one.

YAY! the noisy group left. Now I might be able to focus a little more. Ha. Who am I kidding? Oh well, I'll get some stuff done. Eventually. For now, I'll continue to pretend I'm doing something. Maybe I'll run downstairs and get more coffee. I think I'll bite the bullet and ask the guy two tables over to watch my stuff. I hate doing stuff like that, but 1) I don't feel comfortable just leaving my stuff and 2) I refuse to pack up my stuff just to go get more coffee, especially because I have a table right by an outlet. Curses.

there's a smile when the pain comes, the pain's gonna make everything alright

This week has been good for me. I didn't get to do the things I had planned, but I'm okay with that. I was supposed to study for a test and hang out with an old friend. I did neither of those. I did spend lots of time with my family, and I watched two movies that I've never seen. I saw You, Me, and Dupree and Over The Hedge. They were both really funny and cute.

This week was very relaxing. It was very good for me, helped me put a lot of things into perspective. I don't know, leaving is kinda bittersweet. As Jess put it, I'm not "ready for normal life." I just want this semester to be over. I want to find another job and not have to worry about this dumb job.

I don't know. I'm in a weird mood. It's a mix between PMS, anxiety, and like a happy sadness. I'm having a really hard time with this whole "friend" situation. If it's true that in the past few weeks I've learned who my real friends are then that means that I'm not left with very many real friends.

wow. so I just realized that I haven't done my quiet time at all this week. I haven't spent any time with God. I honestly don't know what my problem is. There were actually a couple of days where it never occurred to me to even do it. Actually, I don't think there were any days that it occurred to me that I should do it. I mean, why do I feel like I "should" do it? Before this week, it wasn't even a matter of should or shouldn't. It was honestly something that I wanted. I don't know what changed.

This post is a bunch of ramblings that probably won't make much sense to anyone except me.

I hate it when you feel like crying but the tears won't come. The worst part is that most of this is probably attributed to PMS. I feel like I need something but I don't know what.

"I can see a light that is coming for the heart that holds on. And there will be an end to these troubles, but until that day comes still I will praise You."

Weeping may endure for the night, but joy comes in the morning.

It's the greatest feeling when God puts people into your life who help you to be a better person.

I know You're alive, You came to fix my broken life and I sing to glorify Your holy name, Jesus Christ.

I'm so thankful for all the blessings in my life. Sometimes I may not always see them, and I may not always act that way, but I am aware that they're continually coming my way.

On second thought, maybe I am ready to go back to normal life.

33 days til christmas!

There's nothing like coming home.

Nothing can compare to the feeling of home. I love being here. I know that I've complained about heing home, and that by the time I leave, I'll probably be ready to go, but for now I'm just so happy to be here. It's definitely a needed break from the stress of school and life in general.

I missed my mom so much. I'm so excited about spending time with her and doing all the holiday stuff with her. On Saturday we're going to put up our Christmas tree, I think. I'm so super excited about it!

Anyway. I'm probably going to go to sleep now.

I Stole this from Ellie (and changed the return directions)

1. What time is it? 3:48 p.m.
2. Full Name? Amber
3. What do you fear most? Spiders, and being alone
4. What do you drive? When I go home, it's a Ford Taurus, when I'm at school, nothing
5. Have you ever seen a ghost? No, I don't believe in ghosts
6. Where were you born? New Mexico
7. Ever been to Alaska? No
8. Ever been toilet papering rolling in decorating trees? No
9. Croutons or Bacon bits? Bacon Bits
10. Favorite day of the week: Sunday
11. Favorite restaurant: Olive Garden, but I'm really missing home cooked meals
12. Favorite Flower: Lily
13. Favorite sport to watch: football
14. Favorite Drink: Margarita...(oh good answer ellie!) other than that, sweet tea
15. Favorite Ice cream: strawberry
16. Disney or Warner Brothers: I don't really care
17. Favorite fast food restaurant: mmmmmm Chick fil a or Subway
18. What color is your bedroom carpet? uhh this ugly dark gray
19. How many times you failed your driver's test? none
20. Before this one, who did you get your last e-mail from? (well this wasn't an email) but the last one was from the director of the BCM
21. What do you do most often when you are bored? uhh sleep? that's probably what I do
22. Bedtime: whenever I either a) get tired or b) get home
23. Who will respond to this email the quickest? I have no clue
24. Who is the person you sent this to that is least likely to respond? Doesn't apply
25. Who is the person that you are most curious to see their responses? Pretty much everyone
26. Favorite TV show? Grey's Anatomy
27. Ford or Chevy? it really doesn't matter to me
28. What are you listening to right now? my new cd, "Become What You Believe" by Last Tuesday
29. What are your favorite colors? Pink, Purple, and black
30. How many tattoos do you have? four!
31. Do you have any pets? I have a cat at home
32. Which came first the chicken or the egg? Chicken
33. What would you like to accomplish before you die? wow... I'd really like to impact (read:change) the world, but smaller than that, I'd like to finish college, get married, have a family, and lead people to Christ
34. How many people are you sending this e-mail to? I'm not, I am going to post it on my blog.
35. If you could go anywhere real or not where would you go? I really want to go to Italy, Greece, New York, and Germany
36. If you could meet anyone in the world, who would it be? hmm, Jon Bon Jovi, David Crowder, Mac Powell (actually all of Third Day), Bono (from U2), the man I'm going to marry, Ellie, Hillsong, and there's more but I can't think of them
37. What time is it now? 3:56 p.m.

RETURN DIRECTIONS: Since this is no longer an "email" questionnaire (i like that word), I've changed the directions. Copy and paste this into your own blog (no matter where it is) and put in your own answers. let me know that you did it so I can go check out your answers!

That's what Christmas means to me

ah! so proud of myself! well, kinda. I'm currently in the library. What am I doing in the library you ask? Well I'll tell you. I'm studying!

don't have a heart attack, I know it's a shock. It is to me, too. I've got my laptop (obviously!), my constitutional law book, all my study guide stuff, and Christmas music! That's right, I said Christmas music. You better believe that it's not too early to be listening to Christmas music. I'm really super excited about the holidays. I can't wait to see my family! I'm going home on probably Tuesday. I get to help decorate for Christmas!!!!! I'm so flippin excited, I'm gonna take so many pictures! I wish it would stay cold, it was 81 degrees yesterday! That is not holiday weather! But even that can't get me down! I'm feeling so much better!

I'm sleeping better, getting enough and not sleeping all day. I can't remember the last time I took a nap in the middle of the day! (yeah yeah it was last week, whatever) I've been to every class thus far, and I'm even paying attention. It's pretty great. I've officially decided to switch my major to criminology, and I have an appointment on Monday with the advisor so I can figure out what classes I need to sign up for next semester. I'm also picking up a few shifts here and there at work. I spent a lot more money than I planned on in the past week or so, and I need to make it back. Especially considering Christmas is coming up and I have a few gifts I need to purchase. Mainly for family. There's only a few friends getting actual gifts (not because of money but because there's only a few people that have been good enough friends to actually warrant a gift. The rest of my friends are getting cards and probably cookies. I'm really super excited because tomorrow is the Sanctus Real concert!!!! I can't wait!!!!

Anyway, I know I promised Ellie a post about my family's Christmas traditions, but that's gonna be a whole separate post. I'm getting ready to head back to my room and do some more work there. I'll probably end up posting again before the night is through.

one more!

okay, this is the last post tonight. I promise! (it's 4:41!!! GOSH)

God is amazing.

For like a month now, I've been unable to find my rings. I've looked pretty much everywhere, with no luck. Finally I figured that I'd left them at home last time I was there and gave up looking. Well just a little while ago I was standing at my (open) window enjoying the cold, fresh air (I LOVE FRESH AIR!) and having a conversation with God. I was just asking Him to reveal Himself to me. I was hoping for a shooting star or something. I love that God has a sense of humor, and I love that He always reveals Himself in ways that I least expect it. So I stood there for a while, with nothing. I was like well I should go to sleep. So I got all comfy in my bed, and all of a sudden it occurred to me that possibly I stuck my rings in a zippered part of a purse that I haven't used in forever. I was like no, no way. I decided to wait until I wake up later to check, because seriously what was the likelihood of that being where my rings were? All of a sudden I couldn't stand it, so I got out of bed and found the purse, and there they were! Right under my nose the whole time! I love God's sense of humor. He always reveals Himself to me in the tiniest of ways, and always when I least expect it!

If I ain't smart enough to say I'm sorry, it's just because the words got in the way

I'm beginning to think that it wasn't such a good idea to have 7 cups of coffee after 10 p.m. It's now 3:04 a.m. and I can't sleep. There are so many thoughts in my head, and I'm just not tired.

Luckily, Family Guy is on, and I think it's an episode that I haven't seen. Though now that it's been on for longer than 30 seconds, I do believe that I've seen it. Which means, of course, that there's nothing good on television. Yep, I've seen it.

Moving on.

I'm proud of myself because I buckled down and did homework tonight. I even read the chapter that correlates with tomorrow's lecture! This not having to work thing is really agreeing with me, I think. Too bad I can't sleep. I made a joke about pulling an all-nighter. I didn't really think that's what I would be doing.

I turned the television off and turned on some music. Maybe getting some of my thoughts out will help me sleep. Of course, that is dependent on my thought staying in my brain long enough to type it out. Caffeine really does wonders if you don't get it that often. Normally I drink orange juice and water. Occasionally I have sweet tea, or hot tea once in a while. But more often than not it's water and orange juice. I don't really drink soda that often, and I can't remember the last time I had a real cup of coffee before tonight. So you can imagine what 7 cups in a 2 hour span can do to me.

So I'm supposed to register for next semester's classes on Thursday. Except, I'm thinking about switching my major to criminology so I need to meet with the criminology advisor and I can't do that until Monday. Which means I won't be able to register until then.

I imagine coffee is a lot like alcohol. If you drink it on an empty stomach, the effects are worse. Apparently I didn't eat enough.

Friday I'm going to see Sanctus Real and I'm stoked! They're pretty much my new favorite band, and it's only gonna be like 14 bucks. Super excited!

So I did a crazy thing this weekend. (actually, I did a couple) I told Chris that it wasn't like it was before. I know you're confused. Bear with me. He had a four day pass this weekend and he was in town (or nearby.) Now to understand this story, you have to understand that before he left the army we were kind of friends with benefits. He claimed he was "getting to know me" and in no place to be in a relationship. At that point I was just looking for attention and he happened to be giving it to me. Plus, I was attracted to him. I (and in no way am I proud of this) used to go over to his apartment at 3 a.m. and he would put in a Family Guy dvd and we would pretty much make out. So anyway, he was in town this weekend. Well he said that he wanted to see me. He planned on stopping by on his way to his dad's house on Saturday night. He basically told me that he only had an hour to spend with me, and you can pretty much guess how he wanted to spend it. I told him that we couldn't hang out in my room, and that I just wanted to hang out with him. Well all of a sudden it was "later than he thought" and couldn't we just hang out on Sunday? So I agreed, saying that we could go to lunch or something. Well, the only time he could hang out with me on Sunday was at night (of course) and on the way from his dad's house back to his mom's (or possibly GA I don't know.) I don't really remember how it came up, but I told him that we weren't going to spend any time making out, and that I was no longer interested in him. Shocking how that little revelation all of a sudden changed everything and no longer was he going to have time to "stop by" for an hour or so. Not that I was surprised, nor was I disappointed. I was actually pretty relieved that I didn't have to deal with that anymore. Suffice to say, I don't think I'll be hearing much from him.

The other shocking thing that I've done recently is made the decision to not date. It came after a long struggle with not being in a relationship. After considering my past relationships, I pretty much concluded that I'm horrible when it comes to picking guys for myself. The next guy that I date is going to be the guy that God means for me to marry. And I'm okay with that. Until then, I'm keeping myself pure, and I'm honoring my future husband. That for me is pretty dramatic.

AHHHHHHHHHH so let me just say this: CHRISTMAS IS ALMOST HERE!!!!!!

I'm so flippin' excited. I've already busted out the Christmas cd's. And I'm pretty sure I'm gonna make my own Christmas mix. Oooh... maybe that's what I'll do tonight if I can't sleep. Thanksgiving is in a week, and after that all the holiday traditions begin! I can't wait. This is my favorite time of year. Pretty much the whole month and a half surrounding Christmas. Best time of the year. Period.

Man, it's already 3:41. I wish I could sleep. I don't want to fall asleep and miss class. Especially because I put so much work into preparing for tomorrow's class.

Okay. I think I'm going to sleep now.

keep carrying that anger, it'll eat you up inside

Maybe we like the pain. Maybe we're wired that way. Because without it, I don't know; maybe we just wouldn't feel real. What's that saying? Why do I keep hitting myself with a hammer? Because it feels so good when I stop.
-Meredith Grey


how true is that? It's like some sick form of torture, self-mutilation if you will. Except it's emotional, spiritual, not physical. There are no physical scars. Only emotional ones.

I just finished my quiet time, and I feel amazing. I can't even begin to describe the way it feels, that incredible relief knowing that even though I messed up, I'm not ruined. Though I don't know if I was ever really worried about being "ruined." I think it was more the worry that I would feel like that forever.

His anger is but for a moment, His favor is for life. Weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning. Psalm 30:5

Starting over again...

I'm so frustrated with myself. For so many different reasons. I thought I was doing well. I was doing well. At least for a while. I don't know what my problem is. I have everything I could ever need, and then more. I have a great family who supports me, I have great friends, I'm lucky to be going to school. I really don't know what's wrong with me. I was doing really well. Then I crashed. All of a sudden I started going out again. And not just going out, but partying. I know it's wrong. I mean, I've been there and done that. I know what it's like. I know what consequences it brings. I know that its only a temporary solution. It's like putting a band-aid on a gunshot wound. I think, though, that the worst of it is that even though I know I shouldn't be doing it, I don't feel guilty. Shouldn't I feel guilty? Shouldn't I have some sort of feeling? It didn't make me feel better about myself, but I don't feel bad about myself. I'm just very apathetic. I hate this. I hate not feeling anything. I wish I could feel bad about it, then maybe I could stop. It's hard because I want to stop, but at the same time, I don't. AAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH. That's pretty much how I feel. I want to scream, I want to cry, I want to feel bad. Then when I get all of that out, I want to feel better. But I can't. I quit my job (basically) because it was causing too much stress in my life. I was sleeping all the time and missing class. I was stressed out because I'm behind in my classes. It was hindering my walk with God. I wasn't trusting Him to take care of me financially. I don't know. I felt better when I made the decision to not stay with it. It sounds bad, and I don't care. But now, I don't know. I kinda wish I hadn't. I know that I can always go back pretty much whenever I want. But when it comes right down to it, I don't want to. I don't know what I want anymore. I wish I could just go to sleep and not wake up for days, and not have to worry about anything. I wanted so badly to go home this weekend. I was sooo looking forward to it, and it didn't happen. I don't know. I went out again last night. I only had a few drinks, nothing major. And I had a good time. The problem this time isn't that I went out. It has more to do with who I went out with. I know I need to get away from her. She is not a good influence, and she is definitely not helping me in my faith. I wish I was stronger, I wish I knew what to do. I wish I could fall on my knees and cry out to God, and feel better about all this. But I can't, and I don't know why. I can't pray. It doesn't feel right. I don't feel close to God. I feel like I'm just that person who always asks for forgiveness, but never changes her actions to prove that she's sorry. I can't do this by myself, and for some reason I'm too scared to completely trust God with it. Ho do I make this better?

do You think I'll be different when You're through?

I am so looking forward to a night alone.

I'm super excited about it. Right now I'm watching Ugly Betty, then after this is Grey's Anatomy. After that I plan on going to sleep early, or maybe reading a book. I'm not answering the phone, and I'm not going anywhere. After class today I went to Walmart and picked up some snacks and stuff for dinner. I kinda started cleaning today, but I wasn't in the mood to do it. So I'll do it tomorrow. It really needs to get done, and I know that the mess in here is contributing to my stress.

Anyway, tomorrow should be pretty relaxing. I'm excited about that.

I feel kinda bad, because I think Jess is worried because I'm not going to the BCM tonight. I feel like she thinks that I'm going to go out and drink or something. I mean, I can see why she'd worry. Truth be told, the desire has lessened tremendously. Don't get me wrong, it's still there, somewhere, but it's not strong enough to make me go out and do it.

Thankful for:

• not having to work anymore unless I really want to
• a weekend with the room to myself after a stressful week
• Jessica, for caring about me
• my family! for getting to see them this weekend!
  

You've stolen my heart, yes You have

This is the song that I'm currently obsessed. It's called Yes You Have by Leeland. Go here to listen to it.

It really describes the state of my heart right now. Things are just getting so much better. I have this peace that I can't describe. Nor can I explain it. I only know that it is through the grace of God that I have this inexplicable joy in the midst of all this stress.

A beautiful collision is happening NOW

So I'm sitting in class and we're discussing election results. Surprise, surprise, I know, considering I'm in a political behavior/public opinion/voting behavior class. I have a busy day today. I got a great night's sleep last night. I got home from class around 6. Around 630-7ish I headed over to play some free pool with a guy that I know. I was home by 830-9ish. I went out real quick with Jess, and we went for a walk. Then I was home by like 10ish. I didn't go out the rest of the night. It felt so good! Today I have two classes. After my second class (which I'll probably leave early) I'm heading over to the BCM to babysit. I'm excited about that. Tonight I have to work at 9, and it's the last night that I have to work. I'm pretty stoked about that.


AHH! So just let me say how happy I am that we kept a Republican in the governor's house!

Anyway. I'm feeling so much better since I told my boss that I'm not working anymore. I even think that I'm making improvements with my classes. I've been making an effort! I even took notes yesterday! I'm pretty proud of myself.

I don't know if I'll be able to go home this weekend. I'm a little upset about that. I was really looking forward to just unwinding this weekend. My dad told me last night that he didn't know if I was coming home this weekend (because they might be coming here), and I almost started to cry on the phone. Ugh. So obviously I'm still stressed.

I guess it won't be the worst thing in the world if I don't go home this weekend. I'm going home for Thanksgiving, and that's only 2 weeks away. I was just looking forward to going home and getting free stuff. Especially now that I won't have a steady paycheck. Oh well. If my parents come here, I'll just have them take me grocery shopping.

Bleck. I guess class is starting. We wasted half an hour discussing the election. That's pretty sweet. It means there's only like 40 min left in class.

Oh, I still haven't gotten my voice back completely. I don't know what's going on. It's been gone for like a week and a half.

I guess I'm gonna take down these notes and try to pay attention. I know that what's really going to happen is I'm going to play on the computer, but at least I can pretend. :)

bleck. I couldn't come up with a title. I give up.

AGH!

I'm so frustrated with my job right now. Actually, I'm frustrated with my co-workers. If you do something that's against the rules at your job (especially if you've only been at said job for two weeks) then it's a good job to do 2 things.
1. Tell your boss so as to cover your own behind (and that of your partner)
2. If you and your partner agree to keep it a secret DON'T BRAG ABOUT IT.
How can you expect to brag to someone about doing something wrong (and illegal) and expect that the person you bragged to will keep your "secret"?

GAH!

Basically someone at work bragged to me about the fact that they hit someone's car with the golf cart, and they weren't going to tell the boss. Well part of my job description is to make sure that people are doing their jobs correctly and aren't doing dumb stuff. Therefore, I was pretty much obligated to tell my boss. I even struggled with it. I thought about not telling my boss, but I wasn't going to put myself or my partner in the position where if it came out we knew then we would get in trouble. So I told my boss. The person in question almost got fired, and his partner lied for him, and so she got in trouble. This basically caused a lot of drama at work tonight. I hate drama. With a passion that burns deep within my soul. I have no doubt that this cast me in a bad light and people probably think of me as a narc. Which pretty much means that there's probably not a lot of people at work that I'll get along with. I don't understand. We're supposed to be in college. Why do people have to be so immature? Why is there a need for so much drama? Oh well. My friend told me that I did what I thought was right, and if they want to cause drama then that is their problem. It just bugs me.

I want to finish last, last in the world's eyes

Ahh spontaneity... how I love thee.

2:30 p.m: Decided I wanted a tattoo

3:00: Left for the tattoo place

3:30: Signed a form, handed over the plastic, got an appointment

4:15: walked out of the tattoo parlor with my fourth tattoo.

I love it! It's an ichthus (explanation here)

What a good day. I went to my classes, took notes, kinda paid attention. what matters is that I was there! I have to work at 9 (ugh) and it's 6 now. I think I'll do my quiet time and then take a nap. Of course, first, I'll wash my new tattoo!!! Man, I'm so excited. My roommate went home for the weekend today. I don't know why she left for the weekend on a wednesday, but whatever. I'll be able to do some cleaning, and laundry! I'm debating about going to the homecoming game on Saturday. I'm really having some issues with someone right now, and hanging out with her will be a little uncomfortable for me. I haven't had a chance to talk to her about it, because I haven't exactly figured out some stuff. I'll probably end up going to the game, it should be fun. Two of my friends are having a birthday party on saturday night, so I might end up going to that. I haven't decided yet.

On a positive note, my quiet time has dramatically improved! I'm so excited about it! I'm gonna go do that now and then take a nap.