I am me, but who am I?

I think making new year's resolutions is a ridiculous idea. If you're going to change something about yourself, do it when you realize that you need to change. Don't wait until the "new year" starts to make the change. It's even more ridiculous because most people don't even stick to their resolutions. I mean, seriously. There is nothing about the "new year" that's going to make you a different person, more likely to keep your resolutions this year than last year when you made them and didn't keep them.

With that said, the break at home has been so relaxing for me. I've had a lot off time to think about what's been going on this last semester, and why I've been so stressed out. I do think that there's a lot of stuff I want to change. About myself, about my life, about the things that I can control. I guess you could call this a "resolution" if you really wanted to, but I don't consider that. I think this is something that's been a long time coming.

Somewhere along the way, I stopped being myself. I don't know why, but it was almost as if I was a completely different person. I was not happy. I was pretending to be this person that I wasn't. And for what? It's not like I gained a bunch of friends. And the friendships that I did gain were based on what, being someone that I'm not? I want to be myself, I want to figure out who that is. And I want to find friends that I can be myself around. I don't want friends that I have to pretend around.

Through everything that's been going on, it's almost as if I've been devoid of most emotions. Even though I wasn't completely emotionless, it was a temporary feeling. Most importantly, I've lost my passion for pretty much anything. I don't know what my passion is anymore, and I want to find it. I want to get it back.

One thing that I haven't been doing much of is being completely honest with people. I hate that. One of the things I hate about other people is when they're dishonest. Knowing that about myself, I try to be honest with people. Obviously, that doesn't always happen. This goes beyond that, though. The biggest thing, though, is that part of my testimony isn't completely true. I can honestly say that I don't know why I felt the need to exaggerate something that wasn't nearly as bad as I made it seem. I told a lot of people that before I committed my life to Christ, I struggled with drugs and alcohol. That's not completely true. I didn't have an addiction, and it wasn't as big of a struggle as I told people. I hate the fact that I lied, and I hate that it's almost a continuing lie. Because of this people think it's wrong that as a legal adult I see nothing wrong with going out with some friends and having a drink or two. They say that I should know better. To be honest, there's only few people that I even care enough about to be honest with about this part of my life. The rest of the people aren't important to me, they aren't close to me, and they don't make an effort to include me in their lives. So as far as they are concerned, I don't need to go back and tell them any different. I will just be honest about everything from this point on. If I'm asked about it, I'll be honest. But I won't go out of my way.

The most important part of my life that I want to change is my quiet time. I know that I talk about this a lot. It probably sounds redundant, but I want to get back into it. I want to do it on a daily basis. I want to get more into the Word, and I want to grow closer to my God. I want to have that relationship that other people seem to have. I can't explain the way it is now. I wish I could. It's almost as if it's a relationship with like a grandparent, or an extended relative. It's something that I see sometimes, and it's something that I know is there. And there are even some times that I feel it with this intensity that is amazing. But on a daily basis, it's not really this thing that I feel. I want to change that.

So that's it. At least that's all that I can think of right now. I made the list in my prayer journal. I'm excited about the coming semester. I'm excited about going back to school, and getting back to the few friends that I want to spend my time with. I can't wait to find more people that I want to get to know better. Honestly, right now, there are only two people that I want to even devote my energy to. They're the only ones that I feel are genuinely my friends. They're the two people that I feel actually care about me, and aren't just friends with me to serve their own selfish purposes. I can't wait to see how this semester turns out.