Your grace is enough for me

I've been feeling really good lately.

Not anything extraordinary. Just that general feeling of my life is going exactly as it should be.

This last semester was really hard for me. For reasons which a few people know, I really struggled these past few months. I struggled with personal decisions, I struggled with classes, and I struggled with personal relationships. If it hadn't been for a few close friends I don't know how I would have made it through.

One friend, in particular, really made a difference. Although I doubt she'll see it that way. She really helped me take my mind off a lot. It really was a small act on her part, but it got me through a tough situation. I never knew that a trip to the gas station in the middle of the night would save me from myself. But it did.

I think I grew up a lot. I became the person that I always wanted to be. Most importantly, I matured spiritually. I finally was able to commit myself to being open in my faith.

Confession time, I suppose. I have this unhealthy fear of judgement. I always care more about what people think of me than I should. I let it influence my actions and my decisions. I let it influence my inactions. I've never been able to share what I believe because I was afraid that someone would dislike me for it. I was always afraid of offending someone. I was never truly able to be my own person. I was a different person for everyone. Because of it, I never knew who I really was.

It wasn't until this semester, really, that I let go of that fear. I embraced it, I confronted it. I dealt with it. I dealt with a lot. I made the hardest decision I've ever made. I let go of someone that I love. I did exactly what I was afraid of. I hurt the person that meant the most to me. In doing so, I took control of my life. I didn't let that fear control me anymore. I did what I felt was best for me. It's something that I had needed to do for a long time. I just couldn't figure out how to do it.

After that, making a decision about something, anything, was a lot easier. I had already accomplished the hardest thing. Except I was still afraid of sharing my faith. I thought that everyone had this conception of me, of who I was. I was afraid that if they found out who I really was, that they would judge me. Worse than that, I thought they would hate me. So I did the best thing I could. Before a hundred or so people, I shared who I was. I shared my past. I didn't pretend to be someone I wasn't. I didn't hide anything about where I'd been. I put it all out there, for everyone to see. It wasn't like I expected. I'm sure there were a few people who judged me because of it. But the people who mattered the most, and the one who mattered the most at that time (myself), accepted me. I was finally able to take responsibility for my actions. I was finally able to forgive myself for the things I'd done, and the pain I'd caused. Not only to others, but to myself. People I didn't even know came up to me and told me that my testimony was similar to theirs, and they were glad to see someone else who had gone through it. I think the best thing that came out of that, though, was that I no longer had to pretend. I didn't have to put up an act. In that moment, I knew my friends loved me for what I really was, not what they thought I was. That's the first time in my life I've ever truly felt like that.

It's because of these past few months, because of the things that I've gone through, that I know I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be.

When one door closes, another opens.