I can't come up with a catchy title.

Hrm. This is pretty much not good. I'm getting back into the habit of staying awake until about 2 a.m. and waking up around noon. For about a week and a half, I was going to sleep around 10 or 11 p.m. and waking up around 7 a.m. I pretty much liked that schedule. Don't get me wrong, it's not like I don't get enough sleep, and I am on "vacation" so to speak, but I know that if I keep this sleeping schedule the rest of break, I won't have a good sleeping schedule when I get back to school. I suppose that sometime in the next few day I'll try to get back into the schedule. For now I'm watching "20 Most Horrifying Hollywood Murders" on the E! Channel. It's pretty interesting.

So I haven't done my quiet time in a few days. I don't know what's going on. It just seems that I can't keep up with doing it on a daily basis. I can't even say that I'm too busy and I forget. Honestly, I'm not that busy during the day. I mean, God is the creator of the universe, and He still makes time for me. I can't even make time for Him on days that I don't do anything. How am I going to keep up with my quiet time on days that I have work, class, etc? Gah. I don't even know what to do with it.

Anyway. not too much else going on. Just passing the time and enjoying the time with my family.

...

Coming home in the past has always been very bittersweet for me. This time is very different. Usually coming home means being restless, it means being anxious about going back to school.

This semester has been so stressful for me. Between classes, work, personal relationships, and my brother leaving I was stretched out way too thin. I dropped the ball a lot this semester. I definitely struggled with a lot. It got to the point where not only was I not in the mood to go out and be social, but I couldn't even deal with being alone. Coming home was such a relief. It was a chance to get away from everything and everyone that was causing me anxiety.

This last week was sooo amazing. It was so great to be able to get a full night's sleep, every night. I actually have been doing my quiet time. Most importantly, I've been able to spend time with my family. It's been very weird not having my brother here, and it's a little sad, but it's still been great. I think that had this break not come right now I would probably have had a nervous break down.

Anyway. I have two weeks left at home. I don't really have any plans. I don't really have anything else to say, so I guess I'm gonna go to sleep.

Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas!!!!

I hope that people remember the real reason we celebrate this holiday. It's not the gifts, or the food, or the decorations. It's the King who was born in a barn so that He would die for the sins of you and I.

Totally Tubular!

So it's 6:15 a.m. The second day in a row that I've woken up this early after a full night's sleep. It's the best feeling in the world, a good night's sleep. I think this should happen every night!

So I knew that this past week was going to take a toll on my body/health. But I definitely didn't expect to get strep throat. I didn't even know it was going around, but I got it. Though I'm definitely not surprised. If someone within a 15 foot vicinity of me is carrying it, I'm likely to get it. Luckily, we still had the prescription from when my sister had strep throat, and I caught it early. So hopefully it won't get too bad.

Plus it gives me an excuse to be lazy :-P

Yesterday was a pretty good day. I got most of my Christmas shopping done. There's only one more person that I need to buy a gift for, but first I need to verify that we're doing a gift exchange. It would help if he would answer his flippin phone! Haha. Last night I tried calling my friend TJ to see if he wanted to get some dinner at Chili's while I was out and about but he never answered. Oh well. Just wasn't meant to be, I guess.

I don't know what all we're doing today. I know that I need to do some laundry, and my mom is baking :) Plus, tonight is third advent. So that's pretty exciting. Since it's the third one, we get to pick out a small gift from under the tree. I'm pretty excited about that!

I also borrowed my sister's Hanson Christmas cd (don't hate) and am currently uploading it on my computer to put on my ipod. All the while drinking green tea with lemon, which I'm hoping will help my poor throat.

Oh man! So last night I went shopping at Target (I LOVE THAT STORE!) and bought the coolest Trivial Pursuit game ever. It's Trivial Pursuit: Totally 80s! My family loves to play board games, especially trivial pursuit games. We own so many of them. So of course, I had to have it. Plus I got a new Target Card yesterday, so why not spend some money?! Haha, actually. The game was going to be a gift to my family, and I was going to wrap it and everything. Then I decided that I wanted to play it too badly, so I just left it unwrapped and we played it last night. Such good times! My mom, of course, is full of information that you'd never think anyone would know, and she won!

Some of my favorite family memories include playing board games.

HOORAY!

I'm so excited that this semester is finally over. I took my last exam today. I don't know how I did on it, and I don't particularly care right now. I'm sure I'll care when I get back to normal, but right now I'm just so glad that this week is over with.

Tomorrow morning at 9 I'm going to babysit Collin and Griffin. I'm pretty excited about it, they're only the cutest kids in the world. After that I have to do my checkout with my RA and then finish up whatever in my room and then I can leave.

I am so glad to be going home! Today after my exam I got to sleep. It was honestly the best sleep I've had in a long time. I didn't have to worry about waking up by a certain time, or having to wake up and study. It felt so good!

Other than sleep (rarely) and study, I haven't done much this week. Last night I did get to do some shopping, and went to steak and shake with some friends. That was a nice break from the ordinary.

I need to remember tomorrow that I have a couple Christmas cards I need to get mailed out. I also need to find my stamps and get some addresses. What I really need to do is pack. I'll do that in a little while.

I did my quiet time a few times this week, but my schedule has been so messed up that I just didn't do it. Starting tomorrow I'm gonna try to start doing in every day, at around the same time.

Anyway, I guess that's it. Gonna surf the web and listen to some Christmas music.

have you seen me and what I want to be did anybody call did anyone at all ask where I was did you tell them it's because I've been here so long

So I'm halfway through my finals. Two down, two to go.

I have to be honest, though. I have done absolutely nothing today as far as the 8 page paper that I have due tomorrow. I'm not really worried about, but I should work on it. Instead I've watched the new episode of House. I also watched How The Grinch Stole Christmas as well as like some background thing on it. I love that show! So cute!

Anyway. I'm pretty exhausted, but it's like I'm too tired to sleep. It's weird. I was in a weird mood tonight, and I ignored all phone calls after like 9. I also put up an away message and didn't talk to anyone. It felt good to just kinda be in my own world for a little while. I think that's something everyone should do for themselves once in a while.

I go home on Friday. I'm definitely ready to get away from here for a while. This semester has been pretty rough for me. It'll be great to be able to spend some time with my sister, and with the rest of my family. I'm definitely looking forward to getting into all the holiday stuff. On the 22nd, we're having our family Christmas party. This year it's at our house. I'll be able to see my cousins, and my Oma and Grandpa, and my aunts, and my uncles. One of my uncles will be home from Afghanistan, so I'm excited about that.

I'm also looking forward to doing some shopping! I can't wait for the after-Christmas specials. But mostly, I'm just looking forward to having some sort of normal sleeping pattern, and being able to spend time with my family.

I thank God every day for my family. It's going to be sad this year, though. It will be the first Christmas in my entire life that my brother hasn't been with us. That's still pretty tough, and I'm still having a hard time with the whole situation. If you're a praying person, please pray for my brother. He's so lost, with no direction for his life.

hooray for more Christmas traditions!

Sometimes all you need is to be rescued from yourself.

This weekend could have gone really badly for me.

Instead, I have amazing friends. Tonight was one of those nights where I wasn't really feeling up to being social, I just wanted to be alone. but obviously God had other plans, because I'm currently sitting in Jess' apartment at 6:08 a.m. after having only gone home for a few minutes to grab my stuff and leave again. Granted, I didn't get any of my own studying done, but that doesn't matter. I think tonight was one of those nights where I probably shouldn't have been alone. It's like, sometimes, when all you want to do is be by yourself that's the last thing that should happen. It's hard to explain. Tonight was fun, in a random sort of way. I should probably study. And I will. Just not right now. Right now I'm going to blog about nothing. Well actually, I'm going to write about another Christmas tradition, because It's technically Sunday, and today is the second Advent.

So, like I said before, my dad is German. Hence, we have a lot of German Christmas traditions. Although, I don't really know if Advent is particularly German, I'm gonna pretend it is until someone proves me wrong. Advent is the waiting period before Christ's birth. It's celebrated the four Sundays before Christmas eve. We have an advent wreath, with four taper candles, and a pillar candle in the middle. On the first Sunday we light the first candle, and on the second Sunday the second candle, and so on and so forth. On Christmas Eve we light the pillar candle in the middle of the wreath. Before my brother moved out, Advent was a whole production. My brother, sister, and I would go into a bedroom and shut the door. We would read the story of Christ's birth, and talk about it until it was time to come out. We always knew when it was time to come out because that's when we would hear the music start. When we came out of the room, our parents would have turned on all the Christmas lights, and lit all the angel chime-things (I'll try to describe those later and find out what they're called) and we would each have a tray with little candies and perhaps a small gift. On the first Advent, it was only candy. Which was fine with us. On the second Advent, a small unwrapped gift. Third Advent was a larger unwrapped gift, and by Fourth Advent there would most likely be gifts under the tree, and we would be allowed to choose one (although sometimes they were chosen for us.) Afterwards, we would all sit around and discuss the story we had read. I think it was something tat made me appreciate Christmas even more, and it's definitely a tradition that I'll carry on with my own family.

Let me breathe my strength my solace from the spring

What is it about stepping outside our comfort zone that makes us stuck in our ways?

What is it about admitting that we're wrong or need help?

Why are so good at giving advice to people in the same situation we are, yet we can't take our own advice?

This is the place I'm in. I have no idea how to ask for help. My pride gets in the way. I hate admitting that I can't do something on my own, and that damned comfort zone will be the death of me. Or at least the spiritual death of me. I see the women around me, and I the passion that they have, the relationship they have with God. I wish I could have that. I don't know how. I honestly don't know. I don't know where to begin, I always feel like I'm doing something wrong. I mean, things go well for a while. then something happens. I get sidetracked, and before I know it I'm back where I started. Why do I keep ending up like this. How do I get out of this cycle?

I believe that I mentioned somewhere before that I feel like I've lost all capacity for feeling bad or feeling guilty this semester. I wish I knew why. I wish I knew how to get it back. I know this sounds weird, but I want so badly to feel guilty! The twist is, when I do something wrong, I know that it's wrong. Not only do I know it's wrong, but I avoid telling people about it because I know that it's wrong. I don't know if I avoid telling them because I feel bad about it, or because I don't want them to judge me. I think it has more to do with being judged. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place, and I don't know what to do.

I desperately need an accountability partner, and someone who can help me get through this.

There's nothing like the joy that fills your heart when you know that you are loved.

I am in the best mood that I've been in these past few weeks. I just finished my paper!!! Not only did I finish it, but I happen to think it's pretty good!

Aside from that, it's almost finals week, which means that it's almost time to go home!!!! I go home in 9 days, and I'm so excited! Plus, I get to see my family on Saturday, which I'm pretty stoked about. I found out that I'm getting an 81 in one of my classes (which is definitely NOT what I thought I was getting!) and so now I don't have to take the extra credit quiz tomorrow! Which means I don't have to read an unnecessary book, which will only take up brain space that needs to be filled with information pertinent to my finals.

So seeing as how it's December 6th (rather, it's 2:50 a.m. on December 7th, but I still haven't slept, so it's December 6th to me), I think I'll share one of my favorite childhood Christmas traditions. I must preface this by saying that my dad is German, so this is a German tradition.

December 6th was always the night in our house that Niklaus came, because that's the day that he came in Germany. Niklaus is the German Santa Claus. As kids we'd always get so excited! Of course, Niklaus couldn't come until it was dark, because he never traveled in the daylight. But that never stopped us from asking when he was coming! It was the biggest thing in our house! And we always knew when he was coming because he would ring bells. We listened for the bells pretty much as soon as the sun set. Niklaus would bring us bags with gifts and candy, and would set the bags by the door. As soon as we heard the bells we knew that he had brought the gifts. The first thing we did was run to the window to get a glimpse of him! It was the best feeling in the world when we saw Niklaus walking away in his red suit with his beard and his black boots in the snow. One year he even had a sleigh with a horse! Then of course we brought in our bags and proceeded to sort through our Christmas treasures! Those are memories that I will never forget, and traditions that I will carry out with my own children.

Perhaps I will share mor traditions as Christmas gets closer :)

I don't know where to go from here, except I do.

So it's 3 a.m. and I'm hanging out at the BCM. I'm not really sure why I'm here, actually. I should be at home either sleeping or working on my paper. But I'm doing neither. I should be working on my paper here, but I'm not. Instead I'm just sitting around doing nothing. In like two hours we're gonna go check the line for tickets to the football game, and after that I don't know what. If she needs me to, I'll stand in line with Jess so I can get a ticket with my ID cuz she doesn't have hers.

Anyway. Things are weird. I don't know, maybe because it's the end of the semester or because I'm extremely stressed. Either way it's a weird feeling. I haven't done my quiet time since Saturday, even though I keep saying that I'm going to. It's possible that I'm going to throw my shoes on and grab my sweater and go outside and spend some time with God, but we'll see how that goes, too.

I'm at a really weird place relationship-wise. A while ago I made the decision that I wasn't going to date anyone and I really meant it. I felt (and still feel) that I'm not in a place to be in a relationship. I don't have the time nor energy to devote to a relationship. Plus I'm not in any place spiritually to be in a relationship. I can't even keep focused on God while I'm single, there's no way I could balance that and a relationship.

Despite knowing all that, I so desperately want the intimacy that comes with a relationship. I want the friendship, and the romance, and above all the intimacy. Sometimes it doesn't bother me that much, then others it's just an overwhelming feeling. It can also sometimes be an uncomfortable feeling, and I find myself being envious of friends who are in a relationship.

I know that this is a period of growth and that God is trying to teach me something. Unfortunately, I'm not moving forward very much. In fact, I might be moving slightly backwards, or at the very least standing still.

I don't know where to go from here, except I do.

Restless..... and it's only 9:30 a.m.

Do you ever feel that you were meant for something more, something bigger?

The kind of restless I'm talking about isn't the typical "can't sit still" restless. It's a restlessness in my heart. A feeling that right here, right now isn't what God has meant for me.

I love this place, I love my friends, but I want more. I want bigger.

When I was living at home, before I came to school, someone who was once a good friend told me that I didn't belong in that town. He said that it was too small for me, and it was true. But even the restlessness I felt then isn't the same as the kind I feel now.

It's hard, because on one hand I just want to be finished with school, and start my life. On the other hand, I want to make the best of college, I want to soak in the experience, and I want to grow. I know I'm not ready to be done with school. I just can't help but feel restless once in a while.

5 Untold Truths About Me

1. I am stubborn.

2. I hate admitting when I'm wrong.

3. Sometimes I get freaked out in the dark.

4. I have a hard time getting close to people even though I seem to have a lot of friends.

5. I hate asking for help (so when I ask for help it means I really need it)

I so hate consequences

True to form, I put off doing my papers until the very last minute. the very last minute. I finished the first paper two hours before it was due to be emailed. So I emailed that sucker and went to sleep for three hours. That gave me 6 hours before my next paper was due. Technically 7 hours, but I was aiming for an hour early so I had time to fix errors and print it out and whatnot. Well imagine my surprise when the 8 page paper I set down to write ended up being assigned as a 10 page paper. That should have been my first sign. But I figured, no problem I can get this done. I was wrong. I read the book that the aper was on, and then I drafted out a quick outline and began typing my "think" paper. With a paper like that, you'd think it would be easy to type up ten pages, double spaced. 4 o'clock rolled around and I was finished. There was only one problem. It was only 5 pages, and despite everything I tried, I just couldn't get it to ten pages. So I had to make a hard decision. I could pray and pray that in one hour I could type five whole pages and print it out and get it in on time and have it be at the very most a C or D paper. Or, I could put it aside and work on it this weekend and make it an A or B paper, and take a full letter grade reduction for handing it in late. Unfortunately I have to take the reduction because there was no way I was getting that done by 6 o'clock. But that leaves me this weekend to work on it, plus I have a test in the same class on Monday, so I need to study for that. oh the stress. But, I did this to myself, so now I just have to deal with the consequences, even though they suck. Hopefully next time I'll remember how stressful this was and get my stuff done (or at least started) early!

I'm getting ready to go grab something to eat and then head to work for the early shift. I really need to make some money and I've picked up a few shifts this week for bill money and Christmas money. So that was a blessing. Luckily, all my shifts are base shifts, which means that I can take my study guide into work tonight and fill in all the answers. I can't wait for this semester to be over. I'm so ready to be done with these dumb law classes and get into my criminology stuff! So excited! I'm mostly looking forward to sleeping tonight! I'll probably spend all day tomorrow filling in answers on my study guide. Hooray for Saturdays!