lying in the darkness, eyes closed tight. the deafening silence takes over the mind. there is no pleasure, nor is there pain. just the numb. it is hard to comprehend, and hard to figure out. what is to blame for this numbness? every fiber of being has faded away. there only remains one hope. aside from that, all emotions are gone. they come and go in short bursts. but alone in the dark, eyes closed tight, with the deafening silence, there is nothing.

fear

do you think it's possible to hurt so much, that finally your body just says Enough! and your emotions just shut down?

I think I've reached that point

it kind of scares me. Part of me feels like i'm making a huge deal out of nothing. The other part feels like this isn't as important to me as it should be.

fear of the unknown.

fear of losing someone so important to me.

fear that someone is too important to me.

fear that I won't be as important to that someone anymore.

fear of the unknown.

what do you do?

what do you do when the one person who can make you stop crying is the person that's making you cry?
what do you do when the one person who can make everything right is making everything wrong?
what do you do when the person you deeply love is the person who is breaking your heart?
what do you do when that person isn't to blame?
how do you tell them?
how do you fix it?

how can you be so sure that we're meant to be? how do you have so much faith? why do you have faith in me when I can't even have faith in myself? why do you love me so much? I don't deserve it. I've done nothing to deserve it. I'm scared. I don't know how to tell you. I'm so scared that something's going to go wrong. I want nothing in this world except you.

DISCLAIMER: I did not write this. It is the feeling of the week. This is a great song by Richie Sambora

Fallen From Graceland
There's a line that you cross,
When you find out that you're lost.
When your world is closing in,
And it crawls under your skin.
And the heart's always blind,
When it's in this state of mind.
There's a burning light in this town,
For every heart that's broken down tonight,
Here tonight.
You're stranded out there in the rain,
And you just can't see past the pain tonight.
You've fallen from graceland, Fallen from graceland.
When you're too proud to crawl,
It keeps your back against the wall.
You wanna die, but you live,
With nothing left to give.
And there's no place to hide,
When you're tangled up inside.
There's a burning light in this town,
For every heart that's broken down tonight.
Here tonight.
You're stranded out there in the rain,
But you just can't see past the pain tonight.
You've fallen from graceland.
And there's no place to hide,
When you're tangled up inside.
There's a burning light in this town,
For every heart that's broken down tonight.
Here tonight.
You're stranded out there in the rain,
But you just can't see past the pain tonight.
You've fallen from graceland.
Fallen, you've fallen from graceland tonight,
Fallen, fallen, fallen, fallen from graceland.
And tonight.
There's a light, a bright light burning,
For every broken heart in this world tonight.
Deep inside.
Yes, there's one light burning,
That will lead you through the storm tonight.
It's gonna be alright, be alright,yeah,
Gonna be alright, yeah, it's gonna be alright.
(Oh it's gonna be alright, tonight)
Fallen, fallen, fallen, fallen from graceland, (Fallen from graceland)
Tonight.

According to recent studies, the maturity level of college age boys is equivalent to that of a boy in kindergarten. Whose studies? Mine. In fact, I'm convinced that the maturity level a boy reaches by the age of 5 is the maturity level he maintains for the rest of his life. This may not be so obvious when a boy is alone. But get him in a social setting with more boys, and it becomes blatantly obvious. i've discovered that fraternities are the worse case scenarios when it comes to this situation. Case study #1. After having woken up from a long nap (yes I'm 20 and still take naps, sue me), I decided I was hungry. Apparently I missed the memo that tonight the immaturity was out in force. Hoping to just enjoy my meal in peace was apparently too much to ask. Walking into the dining hall, I witnessed perhaps the most pathetic sight i've seen in the past few months. Perhaps the past year or so. I walk into see 3 boys arguing with the cashier. Let me set this up for you. One guy must be at least 5'11 and built like a football player. The other guy, was somewhat shorter. The third guy was in a motorized scooter contraption with a bicycle wheel on the front. All were wearing polo shirts with popped collars. This just screamed FRAT to me. I didn't know if I should run or stay to watch. I decided I was too hungry to leave. Plus, who looks away from an accident as it's happening? The kid in the scooter thing was trying to convince the cashier that he "needed" his scooter as he was disabled. She couldn't argue, and he went on his way. I got my food and sat down at a table. Who sits down behind me but scooter boys frat friends. Oh great, there's like 8 of them. Meanwhile, the kid in the scooter was just riding all around the dining hall. His friends kept yelling things to him, and lovingly, i'm sure, nicknamed him "Retard." Oi. As I look around to see who all is there I witness scooter boy's first mistake. Some kid asks to try out his scooter. He obliges. So there they are, scooter boy (who is supposedly disabled) is standing there watching some other immature idiot ride his scooter around looking as gleeful as a small child at a carnival full of free toys. Somehow the manager catches wind of the situation, and the scooter is to be parked outside. Thank God. Only to be stolen by 5 girls. Oi. They are not doing much for the name of women. The rest of the dining experience went without event. Thank God. Case study #2. Yesterday morning, upon waking, I decided I was hungry. (yes, we all see the pattern, thanks) I decided that I should eat. I went to eat. Uneventful. I also decided that I needed to take a trip to the computer lab. Mainly so I wouldn't have to be in my room with my roommate and her friend before they left. So as I'm walking to the computer lab, I decide to stop and talk to a girl who happens to be in one of my classes. We discuss typical hi, how are yas? and she introduces me to her male friend. Who looks straight at me, and goes, when are you going to lose weight? I wanted to donkey punch that kid in his balls. But outwitting is so much funnier. So I looked at him and I was like "I'll lose weight when you stop being ugly." Which I then proceeded to point out to him that I could lose weight, but he could not lose ugly. Score: me - 1 him - a donkey punch to the ego. The girl just laughed. This begs the question, WHY???? Why, oh why, upon meeting a person for the first time would you feel it necessary to make a comment like that? It makes me sad for the children of the future to have these guys to look up to as fathers. What is this world coming to? The moral of this story? When in doubt, donkey punches are best when applied to a man's genitals.

just another face in the crowd. she's not alone. but she's not among friends. these people don't know her. they don't care for her the way friends do. they are simply moving along in their life journey, and their streams have merged.

a broken heart
she can't replace
another soul
another face

she searches on
not knowing why
a broken heart
again she'll cry

another day
another soul
her broken heart
fills the hole

a broken heart
after every fool
she now expects
they're not you

And she cries

She stands in silence and bows her head. She stares at her hands, trying to ignore the stares. She feels unwelcome in this place, unsure of why she's come. She owes him nothing, she came for herself. To see the face, to try to understand. It's too late to ask why. The answer would have made no difference anyway. She thinks back on her life. Growing up, all the milestones. All the times he should have been there, but wasn't. And she cries.

"Why weren't you there?" she whispers. "Why didn't you love me?"

His lifeless face just stares at her. And she cries.

"This is all your fault." she blames him. For all the years, all the heartache. He was her weakness. He was the reason she closed herself off. And she cries. For all the hurt, and the nights she cried herself to sleep.

She watched his family out of the corner of his eye. She touched his face. As much as she wanted to, she couldn't forgive.

"I will never forgive you."

Suddenly feeling out of place, she turned around and walked away.

And she cries.

it has occurred to me that sometimes you don't know the whole story. It has also occurred to me that sometimes the story may have more than one version. If those versions all come from the same person, who also happens to be the origin of the story. If that person tells different versions of their story to different people, which one are you supposed to believe? You have to consider their motives for telling each person the version they give. The reason for telling one person a story might be that they've had a bit of alcohol and are telling you the truth. Another version might come about because they are trying to impress a certain person, or maybe they're just telling that person what they want to hear, or what would be acceptable to that person. There may come a time when the two versions of the same story meet. And it may come out that there are two versions of the same story. Is trying to impress someone really worth what's going to happen when that person finds out you lied? And what if the version you told to said person was the truth? how will they know? It begs the question, at which point does exaggerating become lying? Wouldn't it just be easier to tell everyone the truth and let destiny take it's course? Or perhaps give each person to make a decision/judgement based on the truth, as opposed to a version of the truth. Or maybe this is all just a big ball of confusion. Either way, it all boils down to one thing that you learned when you were little: honesty is the best policy. always

she writes

she wants to cry. instead she writes
she stresses. she writes.
she wants to scream. instead she writes.
even in happiness. she writes.
to herself.
to you.
to everyone.
she writes a little.
she writes a lot.
early in the morning.
late at night.
she writes.

meditation

Determined not to let it get to her, she jutted out her chin, chanting her mantra silently. She knew it wouldn't be long before the tears she was holding back would break through her wall.
"I won't do this here." she thought to herself and she counted slowly to one hundred. The past week had been a roller coaster ride. She needed this time away. She needed a way to relieve the stress. Today it was the song on the radio while she drove. She had no destination, and no time frame for getting there. She rolled the windows down and turned up the radio. The wind blowing her hair, she sang as loud as she could. to every song she knew. If she smoked, she would have gone through an entire pack of cigarettes that day. She didn't know if it was the singing, or the driving, or maybe a combination of everything, but her soul felt different that day. Lighter. She opened her eyes. Though she never left the room, her soul had travelled miles from where it had been.

a new beginning

I already have a blog that I write in. I created this one for 2 reasons. The first is that I like the site and the second is because I'm trying to do some writing. Not normal every day life stuff. More like opinions on things, creative writings, and the sort. We'll see how it goes.