Jesus Paid It All by Passion Worship Band on the album Everything Glorious

here's the lyrics:

I hear the Savior say,
“Thy strength indeed is small;
Child of weakness, watch and pray,
Find in Me thine all in all.”

Jesus paid it all,
All to Him I owe;
Sin had left a crimson stain
He washed it white as snow

Lord now indeed I find
Thy power and Thine alone
Can change the lepers spots
And melt the heart of stone

Jesus paid it all
All to Him I owe;
My sin had left this crimson stain
He washed it white as snow

It’s washed away
All my sin
And all my shame

And when before the throne
I stand in Him complete,
"Jesus died my soul to save,"
My lips shall still repeat

Jesus paid it all,
All to Him I owe;
Sin had left a crimson stain,
He washed it white as snow.

Sin had left a crimson stain
He washed it white as snow

O praise the One who paid my debt
And raised this life up from the dead

We’ll praise the One who paid my debt
And raised this life up from the dead

O Praise the One who paid my debt and raised this life up from the dead

"Sin had left a crimson stain, He washed it white as snow."
I absolutely love this version of Jesus Paid It All. It's one of the greatest worship songs, in my opinion. Passion Worship Band sings it on their album Everything Glorious. We sang it this morning in church.

Oh my gosh!

I went to the early service this morning. I was so surprised that I woke up that early! I'm really happy that I went, though. We had a guest speaker who spoke about forever friendship. That was something I really needed to hear. God really convicted me this morning. It was definitely an awesome morning! We also had a guest worship band. They were from California. They were really good and they did all my favorite worship songs! This is my favorite, though. I've been listening to it all day.

Today has been a really good day. My mom made a delicious dinner. For the first time in a week, my brother was home. So the entire family got to eat dinner together. Then I napped. For 3 hours. Then we all watched Big Brother. Such a good show. I'm proud of Janelle for putting up one of the chill town alliance. It's about time!

I've been spending a lot of time these last couple days talking to a guy that I know. To be honest, I kinda thought that he had forgotten about me. I think it's so cool that we've been having the conversations we've been having. He's really intelligent and we have some pretty deep conversations. When I get back we're supposed to do a bible study together. I'm excited about that. He told me that he's excited about it, too. Which is a pretty cool thing, I think. We'll see how this friendship goes. I'm not really sure where he stands on a lot of things, but I get the feeling that he's more conservative than I am when it comes to some stuff. I also kinda get the feeling that he's a fire and brimstone kinda guy. I guess we'll see. He does want to be a missionary, and I think that's pretty freakin' cool. Just not for me.

Okay. I'm gonna post the lyrics to this song, cuz I just can't get enough of it!

I am so sick of seeing commercials for weight loss pills. I can't begin to tell you how much they piss me off. They make it seem so easy to lose weight. It's nothing of the sort. It's hard work. I hate that tv makes it seem that the only way for a woman to be attractive is if she's skinny. Some girls look attractive, but mostly it just looks unhealthy. I don't mean skinny in the way that they are naturally thin. I mean the way that they look like they haven't eaten in months. AHHHH!

Today I actually packed something! I'm proud of myself. haha. I packed all the stuff for my desk. And then my sister took my desk. Now I've gotta start packing everything else. I did freecycle a lot of stuff though. So that was good! Now I have to go through all my boxes of stuff that I left here when I moved.

Meanwhile, I'll watch Sex and the City. I love this show. I really like to italicize stuff. I don't know why. Umm. I don't really have an agenda for tomorrow. I have a feeling this week is going to consist of a lot of packing. Three weeks from Wednesday I'll be going back. I am so super excited. I have no idea what to expect. Except, I still have to mail in my housing application. I'm pretty sure they still have rooms. That's what the website says. I guess we'll see, eh?

I guess that's it?

Warning: Not for the easily offended. This post has numerous references to God and His amazing works.

I'm continually amazed by the way God works.

Even through something as simple as a photograph.

Not too long ago this would have broken me. It would have evoked a sadness beyond understanding. It would have made me cry. It would have made me think that God was giving me a sign that I had made the wrong decision.

But now. Now is a different story. It brought back a memory. A good memory. It made me smile. What I didn't do was cry. I wasn't sad. What that picture represented to me was the amazing way God works. I was reminded of the passion with which I begged God to take him out of my life. I was reminded of the feeling of relief and peace when God answered my prayers. I remembered the longing, and the struggle with my decision. I remembered wondering if I had done the right thing.

Now I know. Don't misunderstand. That was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do in my short life. It doesn't mean that I don't care about him, because I do. I think I always will. I feel like I'm constantly overexplaining what happened. So I won't do that.

Instead I'll be thankful that God answers my prayers. I'll rest in His mercy and know that He has a reason for everything. I'll take comfort in the knowledge that His love is all that I need in my life right now, and He'll bring someone in my life when it's the right time.

My letter to Reality TV

Dear Reality Televison,

I hate beating around the bush, so I'm just gonna say it.

We're having problems.

I won't lie to you, either. It's not me. It's you.

I don't know what the problem is. Lately, things just haven't been the same. You're not the same program that I fell in love with. What happened to the good times? What happened to the drama? Now it seems that you're humorless and completely unoriginal. Quite frankly I'm disgusted. It's almost as if you'll let anyone in on the action. In the beginning, it was great. It wasn't wholesome, but it was great. Then you started adding more programs. At first it was just MTV. Then the basic channels started to get in on the action. I'll admit, I was a bit jealous at first. Eventually, I actually came to like some of the programming. Then A&E, VH1, and TLC got in on the action. I quickly realized that I had to grow with the times, and even liked some of the programs offered. Then Bravo got in on the action. I thought to myself "well, it's going a little far, but I enjoy Queer Eye For The Straight Guy and Blowout, so I guess I can learn to live with it."

And then it happened. The thing that ended our great love affair.

Sci-Fi happened.

How could you do this to me? I thought what we had was great, but it seems that you'll take anyone. And by anyone I mean everyone. I can't do this anymore. I'm going back to the originals, and after that. It's over.

I don't love you anymore,
Me

when the burden seems too much to bear, remember the end will justify the pain it took to get us there

I have yet to actually launch the plan to make the time go by faster. Since the other day, I haven't packed anything. I get in these moods where I clean like mad. Then after that, nothing. I think now is the "after" time.

I'm going to the gym today. I'm pretty excited about that. I have 27 days to slim down a little. I figure, if in those 27 days I can tone up, then I'll feel better about myself and I'll still be motivated to go to the gym when I get back to school.

I've figured out that my day is going to have to start earlier than I had originally planned. I'm not going to be able to work past 1 a.m. this semester. I'm also not going to be able to come home from work and stay on the computer until 3 in the morning. I want to go to the gym in the mornings, before class. So I figure, I have to get up around 8 or 8:30. It gives me time to do my quiet time, because I know that if I don't do it first thing in the morning then I won't do it all day. Though, pointing that out is kinda pointless anyway because the Bible tells us that we should do it in the morning. After that, I'll still have enough time to spend an hour at the gym. Then I'll come back and shower and be in class at 11 on Mondays and Wednesdays. Tuesdays and Thursdays will be easier because I don't have a class until 2, and Friday I have no classes. I'm debating whether I should go to the gym 5 days a week, or 3. I'm having a hard time deciding. If I go 5 days, I'll see results faster. If I go 3, I won't feel like my schedule is so hectic. Except, I know that if I don't go at least 3 then eventually I'll stop going altogether, and I don't want that. I think the first week, I'll go 3 days and see what my schedule is like. Then, if time allows, I'll go 5 days a week. It's going to be hard to get into the work routine again. I'll be working anywhere from 6 p.m. until 2 a.m. Though, if I can help it, it will be only until 1 a.m. Shifts are 5 hours. Even though I'm awake til 1 a.m. I don't have to get up at 8:30 in the morning. So it's going to be an adjustment. I don't want to overdo it my first week back. Right now, a lot is up in the air. Aside from classes and work, I've also got the leadership position at the BCM, and apparently I'll be helping organize activities. I'm super excited about it. Then Thursday nights are booked after like 6. And Sundays are pretty busy. I'm pretty sure I'll be able to handle it. Though there may be a few times where I'll be knitting like crazy. It's what I do when I get super stressed. Come to think of it, I may not have time to spend an hour at the gym monday and wednesday mornings. I don't know how long it's going to take me to a) get from my dorm to the gym and b) from my dorm to class. And then to take a shower and get dressed and get all my stuff. An hour just might not be enough time. I guess we'll see.

I can't believe it's already Wednesday. Time is going by so quickly :) There's no Big Brother tonight, but Rockstar:Supernova is on, so it's okay.

I guess that's all for now. I had more to say, but I think it's better off in a different post. I'll work on that tonight.

I find myself again when I fall down at Your feet.

"My eyes betray me, reason escapes me. I find myself in the wilderness again. I believe some things, they can never change. It's good to know Your love is one of them. You said that I could never wear my welcome out." - Sanctuary by John Cox

It's not a good idea to wear shorts to the gym if your thighs rub together. It's uncomfortable, trust me. Also really annoying pulling them down every 3 seconds. Next time I shall wear longer shorts.

Next time being tomorrow.

I absolutely love this song. I've heard it over and over again, but the words never really sunk in. "All I have is Your grace and that's enough." how true is that? the title of this post also comes from the song. In fact, most of the titles of my posts come from one song or another. I am a music fiend. I think it might be borderline unhealthy. I get antsy if there's no music playing. Sometimes silence bothers me. Except when I'm sleeping. Then it's okay.

I saw something today that made me think. It said "Once you love someone, they're a part of you forever" and like so many other times, one specific relationship came to mind. Then I thought about it more, and I realized that it also includes friends and family. I can't begin to tell you how often I find myself doing something that I picked up from a friend. A certain phrase, or a facial expression, a hand movement, whatever. Some idiosyncrasy unique to one person or the other. All of a sudden I find myself doing the same thing. In a way, it's kind of comforting. Maybe I'm just weird.

and all that I am, is all that You see, when nobody is looking at me

Hello, my name is Amber, and I have a problem.

I'm a blogaholic.

I've deduced that I'm addicted to a few things. Here's the list:

1. Blogging
2. Big Brother
3. Law and Order
4. Blogging
5. Myspace
6. Music
7. Blogging
8. Rockstar:Supernova
9. Naps
10. Blogging

Notice a trend? I think, though, that my blogging is actually therapeutic, in a way.

I'm really proud of myself! I went to the gym today and I stuck with the treadmill for an hour. I knew I was dedicated. Now we'll see how long I can stick with it this time. I'm pretty sure I can. I think that it'll be easier to go to the gym once I get back, because then I can go on my own schedule. I'm not stuck having to go when everyone else goes. I can go in the morning, if I want. Or I can go later on in the day. I think I might actually try going at like 8 or 9 in the morning. I have to make sure that I go at a time when I can still go back and take a shower before my classes. I don't have time between classes this time like I did last time. 15 minute breaks are what I have. Not 2 hour breaks. I'm excited though, I don't think I've stressed that enough.

28 days from tomorrow I go back! I can't wait.

/rant
Okay. So I have to do this. I'm watching Big Brother (shocking, I know!) and we're at the beginning of the veto competition. WHAT THE HECK IS GEORGE WEARING?!?!?!?!?! I can't deal with it. He needs to go home. He's so freakin' useless, and annoying. Oh yeah, and I love Jase. Just putting it out there. Is it possible that perhaps Howie might be gay? I can't decide. I also love Marcellas.
/end rant

Today I made the best oatmeal fudge. It was way better than last time. Except, there wasn't as much peanut butter as last time, so I had to make half a batch. But it was worth it.

*UPDATE* what the heck?!?!?!! stupid george. But kaysar still looks hot, so it's not that bad. Oh man. I love this show.

Ok. That's enough for now.

if I leave here tomorrow, will you still remember me?

It seems that the gym and I just aren't meant to be. I got all dressed for the gym, had my ipod charged, ready to go. My mom has a chiropractors appointment every other day that she goes to before the gym. Today, when she got finished with the chiropractor, she was in too much pain to go to the gym. So we didn't. That's okay! I think this is a test to see how dedicated I am. I'm pretty dedicated. I'm gonna go back tomorrow. I guess anything worth having is worth working for.

I forget why I stopped watching Seventh Heaven. Oh yeah. I left for school and didn't really have time to watch television. It'll probably happen again this semester.

It seems I have nothing to say at the moment. Perhaps I'll try again later.

Love so indelible to know, You're never gonna go, You're never gonna go. Love too unthinkable and true for anyone but You

ahh laziness, you have been thwarted once again.

I've decided to start going back to the gym. It's a paid membership, so I might as well use it, eh? At least for the four weeks (!!!) that I'm here. Maybe I'll lose the little bit of weight that I want to. And it'll set the routine for when I get back to go to the gym three times a week like I want to. This time around, my schedule is set up better. No classes before 10 am. That's exciting! And on tuesdays/thursdays only one class at 2. That means mondays and wednesdays I can work later at night and not have to worry about not getting enough sleep. I have a feeling that I'll attend class more often this semester. I have to figure out what night's I'm going to work. I have to keep in mind that I don't know what my workload in my classes is going to be like and I'm going to need time to study. So I think because of that I'm only going to work three days a week, and pick up a shift here and there. I'll also be able to take a test this semester, and if I pass they'll give me a raise. So that will be nice. Plus, I can put in an application for dispatcher starting in the spring. That'll be good, too because I can do homework at work (like I do actual work anyway ha!) Actually, I can't say that for sure anymore. Apparently my boss graduated, which disqualifies her for the job now. So I guess we're getting a new boss. Hopefully it's someone who's not as strict as she was. Then things will still be great. Even if the new boss is as strict, it won't be too bad. I can't complain because I have a pretty easy job anyway, and it's right on campus. Plus, it's not like I'm living off the money I make. According to my countdown, there's 30 days left until I go back. I really can't wait to get back into a routine of some kind. I'm looking forward to my classes, and to work. I'm especially looking forward to seeing my friends. Mostly Caroline and Rachel.

I'm also looking forward to my leadership position in the BCM. I'm going to have to figure out how to balance everything. OOH! I just realized a super advantage to having classes at 11. It gives me plenty of time for my devotional in the morning! I don't have to feel rushed!! Anyway.

For a few days, I've had this great urge to knit something. And I even have an idea as to what I'm going to do. I just haven't gotten around to doing it. I have no reason. Though, in my defense, these past two days have been abnormally busy.

Now, on to more important things.

Big Brother.

Who was shocked? I was! I knew James would do something risky. Good job. Okay, okay. I have to admit, I cannot stand George. I'm so glad James put him up. He needs to go. I can't believe he had the audacity to be insulted that James thought he was a good player. Who would be insulted?? GAH! Just proves why he shouldn't be there in the first place.

It needs to be pointed out. Did you see Erika spray-tanning Will!? That was just hilarious! Then, at the nomination ceremony, his face was abnormally orange. I couldn't get over it. Again, at the end when he was in the diary room, he was pale and pasty again. HA! Okay, I feel better.
/end rant

Anyway, I guess that'll do it for tonight. I think I'll catch up on the news and do some more internet surfing and list making :) I love to make lists.

this is my prayer (its called may the few, by shane and shane)

may the few be many, Lord
may they see You as You are
may the narrow road be wide here,
wide now
may Your kingdom come

Glorious and mighty are Your ways
in all the earth
and may Your worth arrayed in glory
render hearts to only worship You

the coldest heart can be brought to life when it is thrown into the fire of goodbyes

This weekend has been very eventful.

Saturday I woke up at 9:30 (!!) I can't remember the last time I woke up that early. I found out that we were taking my sister shopping for school. It also meant that I got to go shopping for new clothes! We decided to head south, which was fruitful for my sister, but not for me. We did have lunch at a Mexican restaurant that we've never eaten at before. I thoroughly enjoyed it. After that we decided to take the slower route home. We ended up going to the mall here, where I spent most of my money at Old Navy. Normally I don't shop there, but they had really good sales and I got some cute stuff! We stopped at a few other little stores, and I picked up some other stuff. It was a very good day. We got home around 7 p.m. I was so exhausted that I went to bed at 9 p.m. Hence the lack of posting last night. There were a few times when I got into an argument with my parents, and a couple times feelings were hurt (on both sides.)

This morning, I woke up at 9. It's not that surprising, seeing as how I'd slept for almost 12 hours. To avoid the same situation as yesterday, with the hurt feelings and whatnot, I decided to do my devotional this morning. It definitely calmed me, and I prayed for patience throughout the day. I have to say, it made all the different. My family has a habit of picking on each other. A lot. There are a lot of insults thrown around. I prayed that God would help me to not insult any member of my family. And today was much better! We went thrift shopping. I think this is my family's favorite thing to do together. My mom passed her love of thrift stores onto me and my sister. So that's what we did. We had lunch at Sonny's BBQ. Good times. Now we're just at home relaxing, and waiting for Big Brother tonight. Nominations! I'm so excited. I have absolutely no idea what to expect. I never do with James.

Oh yeah. A couple things.

My brother wasn't home this weekend. :( He went to his friends house. He hasn't exactly been spending a lot of time with the family lately. I don't really know what's going on with him. He's 19 and doesn't really have any direction in his life. Please pray for him. He was saved a few years ago, but I don't know how his relationship with God is.

My parents are having a hard time with church. Not in the way that I am. They love this church, they just aren't going. They always talk about how they need to start going again, but it never turns into action. Please pray for them, that they would turn their thoughts into actions.

My little sister is getting lost in the shuffle. As far as I know, she isn't saved. I don't think she's been baptized. I know she doesn't go to church, and she doesn't particularly enjoy it. I think it's mostly because my parents aren't taking her, and they aren't showing an interest. I'd like to think that I'm doing the best I can, but I can't say that in all honesty. I'm really not doing the best I can. Pray for her, please.

Also, I've had a really hard time with spending the summer being at home. I know God has a purpose, but I don't know what it is. I feel like time is running out. Please pray that God reveals the purpose to me.

Shameless promotion of possibly the best music site on the internet

If you haven't already, check out PureVolume. Set yourself up a listener account, or an artist one if you're an artist. It's got a really great selection of music. And a lot of bands have a few downloads for free (and it's legal.) If you don't want to download any music, you can create your own playlist and play it on your player. It's great!

"I cried to the Lord with my voice, and He heard me from His holy hill" Psalm 3:4

It's true. That's how it happened. When I was at my lowest, at my weakest, I called out to God. He did more than answer, He pulled me out of that place. My life changed forever. I was changed forever. There's no way to ignore a drastic change like the one that occurred in my life. Literally, within 24 hours I felt like a completely different person. I may not have always been happy, but I always had joy. That's a comforting feeling. Since that point, my life hasn't always been great. I haven't been perfect. But there's still been joy, that I can't explain or describe. Only those who know the joy of God's rescue can understand.

I am, however, having a problem with my quiet time. By that I mean that I don't do it. It's not like I have any excuse or reason. It's not like I don't have ample time on my hands. It just never gets done. Though, I did do it yesterday, and today. But it's not on a regular basis. I'm trying to fix that. I don't know why I have a hard time doing it. I honestly don't even think about it most days. The days that I do think about it, I keep putting it off. "I'll do it after I finish this article." "Let me just read this one blog, then I'll do it." "Let me check my email one last time." Those are some of the common excuses I use to procrastinate. Then before I know it, it's two in the morning and I'm too exhausted. I fear that I'll fall asleep in the middle of it. So another day goes by where it doesn't get done. I'm trying to fix that.

Currently I'm doing my devotionals in Psalms, which is how I came across the title of this entry. And it was so fitting for quite a few times in the past months. It was true when I gave my life completely to God, in November. When I abandoned the partying, and the drinking. I cried out for help. It was true in February, when again I found myself in an unhealthy relationship. I begged God to remove it from my life. Not only did He do that, but He gave me the courage to do it myself. And I can't tell you how relieved, how amazing, I felt afterwards. So again, I'm crying out. I need to get out of this place. I need to be pulled out of my complacency. This comfort is very uncomfortable. But not uncomfortable in the way that a Christian should be uncomfortable. Uncomfortable because I know that I'm not where I should be.

I'm okay, yeah. I'm okay, yeah. But you really need to listen to me because I'm telling you the truth. I mean this, I'm okay. Trust me. I'm not okay

well if you wanted honesty, that's all you had to say. I never want to let you down or have you go, it's better off this way.

Hm.

It's funny how some songs seem to fit exactly how you're feeling at a given point. Or maybe I'm just being melodramatic. I have a tendency to do that sometimes. Especially if I don't know what's bothering me. Sometimes I just make something up.

I have this overwhelming desire to knit something. All my stuff is behind a shelf. It's not that I can't get to it, it's just that I'm lazy. And it's 2 in the morning. I guess now would be a good time to start knitting a super long scarf for winter?

It's an odd feeling to look at my life, and see how much I've matured. Yet at the same time, I can be so very immature.

Is it weird that writing in this makes me feel better? I don't think so, and that's all that matters.

I think I'll go see what my sister is doing, and see if she wants to sleep in here tonight.

My ipod is charging, and I can't shut my computer off while I'm doing that. So I'm gonna surf some blogs and whatnot.

Your grace is enough for me

I've been feeling really good lately.

Not anything extraordinary. Just that general feeling of my life is going exactly as it should be.

This last semester was really hard for me. For reasons which a few people know, I really struggled these past few months. I struggled with personal decisions, I struggled with classes, and I struggled with personal relationships. If it hadn't been for a few close friends I don't know how I would have made it through.

One friend, in particular, really made a difference. Although I doubt she'll see it that way. She really helped me take my mind off a lot. It really was a small act on her part, but it got me through a tough situation. I never knew that a trip to the gas station in the middle of the night would save me from myself. But it did.

I think I grew up a lot. I became the person that I always wanted to be. Most importantly, I matured spiritually. I finally was able to commit myself to being open in my faith.

Confession time, I suppose. I have this unhealthy fear of judgement. I always care more about what people think of me than I should. I let it influence my actions and my decisions. I let it influence my inactions. I've never been able to share what I believe because I was afraid that someone would dislike me for it. I was always afraid of offending someone. I was never truly able to be my own person. I was a different person for everyone. Because of it, I never knew who I really was.

It wasn't until this semester, really, that I let go of that fear. I embraced it, I confronted it. I dealt with it. I dealt with a lot. I made the hardest decision I've ever made. I let go of someone that I love. I did exactly what I was afraid of. I hurt the person that meant the most to me. In doing so, I took control of my life. I didn't let that fear control me anymore. I did what I felt was best for me. It's something that I had needed to do for a long time. I just couldn't figure out how to do it.

After that, making a decision about something, anything, was a lot easier. I had already accomplished the hardest thing. Except I was still afraid of sharing my faith. I thought that everyone had this conception of me, of who I was. I was afraid that if they found out who I really was, that they would judge me. Worse than that, I thought they would hate me. So I did the best thing I could. Before a hundred or so people, I shared who I was. I shared my past. I didn't pretend to be someone I wasn't. I didn't hide anything about where I'd been. I put it all out there, for everyone to see. It wasn't like I expected. I'm sure there were a few people who judged me because of it. But the people who mattered the most, and the one who mattered the most at that time (myself), accepted me. I was finally able to take responsibility for my actions. I was finally able to forgive myself for the things I'd done, and the pain I'd caused. Not only to others, but to myself. People I didn't even know came up to me and told me that my testimony was similar to theirs, and they were glad to see someone else who had gone through it. I think the best thing that came out of that, though, was that I no longer had to pretend. I didn't have to put up an act. In that moment, I knew my friends loved me for what I really was, not what they thought I was. That's the first time in my life I've ever truly felt like that.

It's because of these past few months, because of the things that I've gone through, that I know I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be.

When one door closes, another opens.

So I'm gonna go off on a Big Brother related rant....

I can't believe how stupid Kaysar is being. Though, in all fairness he proved in season 6 that he can't play the game. First, he gives HOH to Jennifer because she cried. How stupid is that? It was one of the most important HOH competitions, and he hands it over and sealed his fate. This is after he's been evicted once and America votes him to come back in the house and have a second chance in the house.

Now he's pulling the same crap. Why on earth did he nominate Nakomis and Diane??? Seriously. I understand that Nakomis is smart and they want to eliminate the possibility of "floaters" but I think that's just a crap excuse. He even made some sort of "deal" with Will and Boogie to not nominate them. That's just ridiculous. You can't trust either of them. If one of them gets HOH next week, of course they're gonna target the season 6 (seasick haha!) alliance.

And what the heck is "Chicken" George doing there?!?! He doesn't do anything! He takes up space, air, and food. He's not contributing to any of the drama! This is just ridiculous. He's got no plans as to how he's going to get to the end. He's just hoping he's not gonna be targeted. Why oh why would people want him back? He doesn't do anything!!


ah.... I feel better

we fall down, we lay our crowns, at the feet of Jesus

So I've just decided that I'm not going to go to Ridgecrest. It's really not that important to me. And it's too much work for something that I don't really want to do. I feel good about that.

I've decided that there must be chocolate ice cream in Heaven.

My dad came home from the hospital. That makes me really happy. He's okay. There was a small clot in one of his arteries that was making his heart work harder, but it's better now. He has to go back in for checkups, and stuff. Heart problems run in his family. So we'll see how things work themselves out.

So this weekend I had the opportunity to buy Elizabethtown and Walk The Line. And it was totally worth it. I love both movies. In fact, I think Elizabethtown might beat Dirty Dancing as my favorite movie.

Yeah. It's that good.

I'm feeling really good about everything today.

Love is God and God is love. No one's below, no one's above.

I don't think I'm going to Ridgecrest. It's becoming increasingly difficult to make things happen. When I found out that there was a way to get the school to pay for it, I thought it meant that I was supposed to go. The only thing holding me back was the money, and since that seemed to not be a problem, I was ecstatic. Then a few days later I found out that you still had to have the money up front, and the school was gonna refund it after the trip. Well that put me back at the original problem. So I talked to Rahul about it. And he said to fill the paperwork out and we'd figure out a way to get it taken care of. Now it's three days before the papers are due, and I sit down to get the paperwork taken care of, and I run into another problem. On one of the applications, I have to have a professor co-sign. All my professors are an hour and a half away. And I have no way to get there. So I asked Rahul again. And he said no problem. I could have Dr. Smith sign it on thursday. Except I won't be there Thursday. AHH! Then I find out that there's a mandatory meeting on the 27th for everyone that's going. I can't make it. This is becoming frustrating.

2 a.m. and I'm still awake writing this song if I get it all down on paper it's no longer inside of me threatening the life it belongs to

"and I feel like I'm naked in front of a crowd because these words are my diary screamin' out loud and I know that you'll use them however you want to"

Sometimes it feels so good to just scream. To open up your throat and scream.

This town sucks.

None of my friends are here. I feel like I'm stuck. There's 6 weeks until I go back, but it feels like forever.

At this point, I don't even have anything productive, or intelligent, to say. I'm burnt out.

There's only so much one person can take.